SummerBreeze

Hi, I just found this board and joined. I blew a 3 week sober last night. I do and say some crazy things when I'm drinking. I'm so ashamed. I keep hurting myself and other people. I was sober for 18 years but this time I'm having a hard time staying there. Why does that thought of "never another beer?!" override the thought that sober is so much better???...until the next morning that is! I keep telling myself and my boyfriend I will stop, his hope in my stopping is fading fast. I've hurt him so much. Right now I just wonder how you go on with life, leave the past in the past and not beat yourself up. I've done that so many times that it's even getting old with me. How do I get there again?? I'm sorry if this sounds rambled...that's how my thoughts are right now. I don't like me right now. I told an ex boyfriend that I drank with last night that I loved him! I don't! What the??? Now I have to tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore. See? I hurt everyone!!! I know to pray to my higher power when the cravings start but I chose to not pray, knowing the cravings would leave, and chose drinking anyway. Right now I feel there is no hope for me.
Thanks for listening.

Candy Scratch

Hi Breeze and welcome to SR,
Just take a look at the picture under your name. That's how you do it. One step at a time. One day at a time.

You are not alone. Many here have been in a similar place. Are you getting any outside support, like AA or Smart Recovery or are you just doing this on your own right now?

There is always hope - please don't give up.

Hugs,
Candy Scratch

kcathometaz

Just keep on trying Breeze...and hang in there..I have stopped and started drinking again so many times it is not even funny...just part of the disease I guess..no since in beating yourself up....hugs

CarolD

Hi and Welcome!

Stay in focus...you KNOW how to succeed!

SummerBreeze

Hi Candy Scratch, thanks for the welcome. I'm trying not to give up hope. No, I'm not going to AA or any support group right now, just trying it on my own. I think I need to go to meetings of some kind though. I'm trying to remind myself that the things I said and did last night will soon be in the past and my life will go on, I really want to be sober.

Hi Kcat, I'm trying not to beat myself up. Starting and stopping again is a big problem when the cravings are so intense. I know they will eventually go away...Oh God I just want to stop and not give into them!

SummerBreeze

Hi! Yes, you're right, I do know how! ..I just have to keep my mind set on it. With the help of my Higher Power I CAN stop...and stop hurting everyone including myself. Having my self respect is much more important to me than drinking. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I'll feel much better once I undo some of the things I said last night. Then maybe I can move on. I hope that made sense.

eire rose

Hi and Welcome

I did some pretty wierd stuff too at the end of my drinking, I also tried to do it on my own but could only last a week or two.

AA helped me to stay sober and learn how to live without alcohol, I was so lost before I went to AA, thankfully I now have some dignity in my life.

Love, Rose

SummerBreeze

Hi Rose, I'm so glad you have been able to stay sober now. Yes! having my dignity and self respect is what I miss the most. Waking up the next morning and thinking OMG! I can't believe I did that, said that.... is not a good feeling at all.

michski

(( summer )))

Yep, I was a complete azzhole to my friends and family. That's primarily why I stopped drinking. I chose my friends and family over the bottle and it's a choice I will never regret.

AA is a good program to help you deal with accepting what you've done while drinking and then moving on.. it helped me regain the respect and love of my friends and husband. Hopefully you can begin again and learn how to make good choices for yourself instead of those that make you feel depressed and rip off any trace of self esteem. You can do it!

Good to see you and hope we'll see more of you. Lots of people have used these boards to get clean and sober, you can too!

SummerBreeze

Yes, azzhole pretty much sums it up. My boyfriend has been as understanding as he can be, more understanding than I would be if it were him I think. Like you, I want the respect back from others along with my self respect. I need to get into a program that will help me deal with the crazy horrible things I've done while drinking and learn to move on. What good will staying stuck where I'm at now do? None!

I've been reading thru posts, the poems, the prayers and sitting here crying because I am reading things that sound so familiar...things I've done...it's a good cry, not that I'm glad others are struggling too but to know I'm not alone.

michski

((( summerbreeze )))

You'll get it all back. There's a weird little switch that happens when people who love you see you really trying to keep clean. At least in my experience people switched from totally avoiding me to supporting me with everything they had. In a few months my whole family was cheering me on and wanting to discuss and forgive. They began to see me as strong and trustworthy and admired my courage to change... they realized I had chosen THEM instead of my bottle and everything worked out (actually) for the better! The whole experience strengthened our bond. It's gonna happen to you too so hang tight and don't pick up!! Regardless!!

nogard

Welcome to SR