lizzy girl

Had a heart to heart phone talk the other night with my best friend that I rarely see. We have been friends for 35 years and probably knows me better than my family. She has been very supportive to me since I called her a couple of weeks ago to tell her about the threatening comments coming from my AH husband recently. We started talking about abuse. She lived with emotional abuse for 10 years from an alcholic and drug addict so she knows it all. She told me she was reluctant to tell me through the 25+ years my husband and I have been together that she has disliked him and the way he treated me and that all our old mutual friends felt the same as she thought she would lose me as a friend. I pushed her to tell me what specifically she recalled that he did to me. She gave me a number of examples of how he belittled me, berated me, etc.

The the killer is when she told me my husband told an old boyfriend about 15 years ago when we were on vacation together that he would pick up prostitutes when he was away on business trips. I was floored!!! I know he went to strip clubs when out of town because he never hid if from me, but I never thought he would take it further than that! I am devasted.

I don't trust him in many ways but I always thought we had fidelity in our marrage. He always spoke about how he couldnt believe men would touch prostitutes and risk getting aids, so I'm really having a hard time believing it--maybe her boyfriend misinterpreted his comment. He hasn't traveled in years. If he did do this, it was a long time ago. Could it have been once, 10 times, 50 times? This will always go through my head.

My question is, what is the point of confronting him at this point, he will no doubt deny it? Maybe it isn't true anyway. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with everything else going on in our relationship, what purpose would it serve to bring this up. But, this is going to eat me alive. She I tell him?

deax

Not to scare you but have you been tested yet? That should probably be your first priority right now.

If it's eating you alive, and if you feel safe doing so, then I don't see why you should not mention this to him. Get it off your chest. But as you said, don't bank on him telling you the truth. If you know he's abusive to you, and if you know he can't be trusted in general, I'm not sure what makes you lean toward giving him the benefit of the doubt in this matter...

My bf said lots of things to me that didn't match his actions. Addicts lie. I'm in no way saying your husband definitely did this, I obviously wouldn't know. I'm just saying it might not be wise to bank too much on things an abusive alcohlic says, you know?

I can tell how upset you are and I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time.... Take care of yourself first and foremost. (hugs)

Zoey

It is my personal belief that any and all men will say they never have, never would go to a prostitute to the wife or SO. Some telling the truth, some lie.

Back in grandmothers day no one ever had sex befor marriage (true for some)
No one ever masturbated. (true for some)

Some things just cause us to lie.

The answer is, unless we are an eye witness we will never know.

I have heard that some of the houses, have a bar and some go into the bar part just out of curiosity and maybe catch a look at one of the girls without being with a girl.

I had been in enough bars at closing time so that by the time I married I sorta accepted one night stands might happen. Might looked like it would happen, but didn't.

So I would get tested, and try to accept that we will never know.

Hated to write this, just my take on this. I feel talking will not help.

I love men. However I find we are different, if the female breaks up with J she explains and explains, if J breaks up with girfriend, he says, "This isn't working". end of conversation. Or "I found someone else, sorry".
Sometimes they just disappear, nothing said.

I feel guilty for fueling your hurt and anger, by telling you this.just felt it should be said.
Always exceptions, even in alcoholic's.
Read, read and read. Go to meetings. Get a sponser. Get tested, Give the benefit of the doubt. Find an addiction councelor and go talk to them. Perhaps an EGO lie, Perhaps a fun lie.
Take what you can use and leave the rest.

mallowcup

Fidelity and a wifes virtue is are important, if it were true, it would make all these years of devotion a horrifying mockery. He probably said it. Is it true, probably. If you ask, he'll deny it. In your heart of hearts, if you are staying you will have to decide it's a lie. If you are leaving, you will have to decide it's true. When something is left to your imagination, you can imagine it one way or the other. Here's the important thing. He has every reason to lie and your friend has absolutely no reason to lie.

lizzy girl

I talked with my counselor last night about whether or not I should confront him. He didn't think I had anything to gain by doing so either. So, how do I live with this? I'm not going to deny it may be true, but I think I have to put it out of my mind as long as I choose to stay in this relationship. But, it's there in my hip pocket if I think it would benefit me someday.