constant

OK lets say that I decide on a boundary that my husband can't drink at the house or in front of the kids, etc. etc., How do I enforce this boundary. My husband would laugh me right out of the house if I tried that. I put my foot down about the local bar, but now he just goes to another one. So I guess I am asking what is the point. If I set the boundaries and they are broken, then what. Isn't that coming close to issuing ultimatums? I know those don't work!!

This is totally off what I just asked, but thought I would throw this in too. Has anyone ever seen the show "I am a binge drinker" on MTV? I don't normally watch MTV, but my husband had it on watching this show. When it was over, he commented on how he doesn't want our children to ever drink! (along with other drugs) I commented that with alcoholics in both sides of the family (not including him) that they could easily become addicted. He then said yeah, with me, my brother, my parents...... I was shocked! We have discussed his parents and his brothers alcoholism, but he has never admitted that he IS an alcoholic. I have said you need help, you have a problem with alcohol, but I was shocked that he made this statement. Normally he says yeah I need to cut back, I've just been drinking too much lately. But this is new. Has anyone ever experienced anything similar? Is he making progress without getting help or ceasing using?

Ann

Constant

The number one guideline for setting boundaries is that they must be about US and not about controlling them. I know that before I set down a boundary, I need to take a very close look at why I am doing it. And the number two guidleine is that the boundary must be enforcable...otherwise it has no credibility.

A boundary that tells him where he can go or not (the local bar) is about him and controlling him. Not so good.

Not allowing alcohol in the house can be tough if he owns the house too. Just what can you do if he steps in this boundary? When my son lived at home, I set that same boundary and the deal was he could respect me and live in my home clean and sober, or I would love him just as much when I asked him to live somewhere else. And I enforced it, because it is my house and my safe place and my place of serenity. And I would not let that be disrupted.

You have to think it through and decide if and how you could follow through with it, or if you could at all.

A boundary such as "I won't be in the same room as you when you have been drinking" or "the children and I will not stay in your presence when you have been drinking". I can repeat this, because she quotes it often, but JT once said, "I'm not saying I'm leaving, but I am saying that I am not going to continue to live like this" (hope I got it right).

I believe there is a sticky post at the top of Nar-Anon or Al-anon, perhaps under the power posts (I'll find it and let you know) about boundaries. Take a read, maybe it will help.

Ann

It's in the Powerposts, stickied at the top of this forum (Al-Anon).

constant

Thanks Anns, Sometimes I get so confused that I don't know which way is up or down. I makes perfect sense when I read what you wrote and the sticky! Why am I always to slow to see it? When I look at a lot of the changes I have mad, I realize that they are STILL "controlling" by nature. Just more suttle than normal. Why do I think I know everything and can control everything? Wish I would get over it already!!!!!!

Gotta get some rest, started walking again today and it is way past my bedtime. My legs are killing me and my eyes are slowly closing. Have a great night!

Thanks again, what a nice calm feeling I can go to bed with now.
Constant

JT

Constant,

Ann had some good advice. You are not slow to see it. You are learning just like we all did...you are where you are suppose to be. You asked the question and got the answer and you are here to hear it. That itself is a miracle. Keep up the good work. Recovery is not a straight line...like Ward says...back up ten yards and punt. You are still in the game!!!

Hugs,
JT