how aa helps me as an adult child.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
how aa helps me as an adult child.
hi
alanon 2and a half years, coda one year.
aa- 1 day. i went to an aa meeting last night with trepidation. i saw my father in the speakers, i was alert and yet drawn to everyone in that room and yet also repelled. i heard my fathers story, my sisters soul speaking from the speakers. i heard myself.
i realised a lot....(((epiphany))). my dad raped me, he bashed me, he did it to my family, he was an alco. we loved each other. i sometimes still hate him. i have 50% of my genes from him. i have rejected the fact that i have some part of him in me. going to aa allowed me to embrace/acknowledge that part of me that i had rejected,judged,hated all my life, the part of me that comes from my alcoholic father. i had built up a sense in alanon of us vs them without realising it. alanon the innocent victims of circumstance vs the haughty,irresponsible ****ers in aa that had unintentionally caused us grief.
going to aa has opened my eyes to aa and alanon really being sisters against the disease, not the disease-d. also i am forced to see my own addictions to food. i admit i haugtily boasted myself in alanon meetings how whilst my sister got smashed i only had a glass of wine or didnt drink at all. a sense of self-righteousness that i am aware of now. i also can finally admit that i believe alcohol was never meant for human consumption and that that includes me. i feel i am already being released of judgement, hatred and am being given the grace of forgiveness, i walked into that aa meeting thinking, one more addiction? oh lord keep me open. i walked away thinking, welcome to the human race!!! i also felt god telling me, i gave you your soul and i love you still, now and always. thanks people.
alanon 2and a half years, coda one year.
aa- 1 day. i went to an aa meeting last night with trepidation. i saw my father in the speakers, i was alert and yet drawn to everyone in that room and yet also repelled. i heard my fathers story, my sisters soul speaking from the speakers. i heard myself.
i realised a lot....(((epiphany))). my dad raped me, he bashed me, he did it to my family, he was an alco. we loved each other. i sometimes still hate him. i have 50% of my genes from him. i have rejected the fact that i have some part of him in me. going to aa allowed me to embrace/acknowledge that part of me that i had rejected,judged,hated all my life, the part of me that comes from my alcoholic father. i had built up a sense in alanon of us vs them without realising it. alanon the innocent victims of circumstance vs the haughty,irresponsible ****ers in aa that had unintentionally caused us grief.
going to aa has opened my eyes to aa and alanon really being sisters against the disease, not the disease-d. also i am forced to see my own addictions to food. i admit i haugtily boasted myself in alanon meetings how whilst my sister got smashed i only had a glass of wine or didnt drink at all. a sense of self-righteousness that i am aware of now. i also can finally admit that i believe alcohol was never meant for human consumption and that that includes me. i feel i am already being released of judgement, hatred and am being given the grace of forgiveness, i walked into that aa meeting thinking, one more addiction? oh lord keep me open. i walked away thinking, welcome to the human race!!! i also felt god telling me, i gave you your soul and i love you still, now and always. thanks people.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Wow utopia, that's awesome recovery you're showing there. Way cool.
It took me 20 some years to be able to see my own biological father as a human being with an addiction instead of a monster. I have many of the feelings you mentioned, I still hate him sometimes, I still have the old knee-jerk reflexes where I act in manners _opposite_ to him without thinking it thru.
Accepting the _good_ parts of me that come from my biological father was incredibly difficult for me, so I think it's awesome when you say you have been able to do a bit of that as a result of going to AA.
Being able to "let go" of the anger I had towards my parents was a huge healing for me, and it looks like you're doing exactly that. Thank you for taking the time to share that here.
oh yeah, congratulations on having the courage to take the action and go to that meeting. So many people are never able to do that, you should be proud of yourself.
Mike
It took me 20 some years to be able to see my own biological father as a human being with an addiction instead of a monster. I have many of the feelings you mentioned, I still hate him sometimes, I still have the old knee-jerk reflexes where I act in manners _opposite_ to him without thinking it thru.
Accepting the _good_ parts of me that come from my biological father was incredibly difficult for me, so I think it's awesome when you say you have been able to do a bit of that as a result of going to AA.
Being able to "let go" of the anger I had towards my parents was a huge healing for me, and it looks like you're doing exactly that. Thank you for taking the time to share that here.
oh yeah, congratulations on having the courage to take the action and go to that meeting. So many people are never able to do that, you should be proud of yourself.
Mike
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Thank you very much for sharing that Utopia. I struggle weekly with seeing my father not as the alcoholic who is spiraling out of control (he didn't used to drink this much when he was working or when I was at home), but as a person with some deep seated issues who is using extremely poor coping mechanisms that simply aren't working for him.
I struggle each time I see my mom to not see the woman who would turn on a dime from a caring person to a towering rage. Therapy has helped her a good bit, but she would still have a long way to go.
I struggle to not want to just walk away from them (a move I know I'd regret unless the situation was really accute - which it has come close to on a couple of relatively recent occassions). I struggle to see them as people and not as medical/psychiatric diagnoses.
It sounds like you've found a good place, and I'm very happy for you for that. I'm still working on it.
I struggle each time I see my mom to not see the woman who would turn on a dime from a caring person to a towering rage. Therapy has helped her a good bit, but she would still have a long way to go.
I struggle to not want to just walk away from them (a move I know I'd regret unless the situation was really accute - which it has come close to on a couple of relatively recent occassions). I struggle to see them as people and not as medical/psychiatric diagnoses.
It sounds like you've found a good place, and I'm very happy for you for that. I'm still working on it.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
Thanks (( utopia )) That's HUGE! I am still dealing with issues around my addict parents. I wonder what they would've been like if they hadn't been addicts... Now some years after both their deaths I am beginning to accept the fact that they were just two screwed up people who happened to have kids. Parents don't come with resumes...
Letting go of my feelings of victimization was formost in my own recovery from drugs/booze. I became willing to accept what has happened to me in my life... It's a big gulp to swallow but it's so much better than the alternative of living my life in a 2nd hand fashion by clinging to old pains that really didn't belong to me.
sounds like you've had a real light bulb realization and now you can move on like the free woman you are.
Letting go of my feelings of victimization was formost in my own recovery from drugs/booze. I became willing to accept what has happened to me in my life... It's a big gulp to swallow but it's so much better than the alternative of living my life in a 2nd hand fashion by clinging to old pains that really didn't belong to me.
sounds like you've had a real light bulb realization and now you can move on like the free woman you are.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 61
Thanks. I'm still dealing with issues. I am in pain. I am hurt. my dad is a drug addict. He has been a drug addict for about 16 years now. He was making meth whne his meth lab exploed on him and now is in the hospital and after the hospital is going to prison. Everytime he gets out of jail or prison he promises me he will straighten up his life and get clean and sober and get a job. But he always brakes his promise. Does he know that he is hurting me? He is slowing braking me. I knew that the cops knew that the meth lab exploded on him before he did because the cops were investagating the fire and I went to visit him at hospital room crying before the cops came and he kept asking me what was wrong and his dad my grandpa was crying and he kept asking him but we couldn't say anything that way he wouldn't try to run. That was the hardest thing to do. I'm full of anger, hurt, and about every other emotion. You know what was even sader spending those 5 last minutes with him knowing I wouldn't see him again for who knows how many years. And what was hard was telling my mom his exgirlfriend and I have to tell my brother but haven't yet. I don't think I have ever seen my dad sober.
I can't let go of my feelings. I know I need to forgive. I'm not mad at him. Its kinda hard to explain.
I struggle each day. I barely get through the day without crying. It was painful seeing my dad and pain and painful knowing he broke my promise.
Then I have flashbacks from I was like 2. I have a lot of flashback of lots of different moments.
Don't get me wrong I love and miss my dad but terribly want him to get sober.
I'm going to go. Bye
Love, Peace, and Joy
I can't let go of my feelings. I know I need to forgive. I'm not mad at him. Its kinda hard to explain.
I struggle each day. I barely get through the day without crying. It was painful seeing my dad and pain and painful knowing he broke my promise.
Then I have flashbacks from I was like 2. I have a lot of flashback of lots of different moments.
Don't get me wrong I love and miss my dad but terribly want him to get sober.
I'm going to go. Bye
Love, Peace, and Joy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: northeastern California
Posts: 80
Sadness, my heart goes out to you because I remember what it was like to want my Dad sober. He died of alcoholism and during my anger phase, the only thing I could think of was: "What a waste of Life!"
The wounds don't heal right away. Through the program of ACoA, I learned that I didn't cause it, couldn't control it, and couldn't cure it! Gradually I also learned to admit that he was ill (with alcoholism), accepted what he was, (didn't like it, but accepted it), and forgave him for all the hurt, sorrow and destruction he caused his family.
I gave my Dad up to God long before he died, and I went on to make my life the best I knew how, to please my God.
May God provide you with strength and courage.
Love and prayers,
Luv2all
The wounds don't heal right away. Through the program of ACoA, I learned that I didn't cause it, couldn't control it, and couldn't cure it! Gradually I also learned to admit that he was ill (with alcoholism), accepted what he was, (didn't like it, but accepted it), and forgave him for all the hurt, sorrow and destruction he caused his family.
I gave my Dad up to God long before he died, and I went on to make my life the best I knew how, to please my God.
May God provide you with strength and courage.
Love and prayers,
Luv2all
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Utopia)))) Incredible post... jolting honesty... beautiful recovery.
Both my parents were active alcoholics until after I left home. I felt like THEIR parent from the time I was about 8 or 9 years old. I spent too many years keeping track of what I didn't get, instead of understanding what I had received.
I had a roof over my head, hot meals (mostly... smile), and a bed. I was dressed and had opportunities others never had. They did more for me than was done for each of them.... that was the part I had to learn. They gave me more than they received. Through their examples, I know I can do the same. I can give back more than I've received.
Both my parents were active alcoholics until after I left home. I felt like THEIR parent from the time I was about 8 or 9 years old. I spent too many years keeping track of what I didn't get, instead of understanding what I had received.
I had a roof over my head, hot meals (mostly... smile), and a bed. I was dressed and had opportunities others never had. They did more for me than was done for each of them.... that was the part I had to learn. They gave me more than they received. Through their examples, I know I can do the same. I can give back more than I've received.
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