So many questions...please help!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: brisbane qld
Posts: 5
So many questions...please help!
I've posted an introductory thread in the "New to..." subforum, so if you've missed that, Hi! I'm new!
The proverbial brass tacks are this:
My partner and I split 3 months ago having been together for over 4 years. We have a young toddler. All through our r/ship, was a heavy drinker...lovely caring and gentle when sober, a verbally nasty and highly unstable and irresponsible man when drunk.
After our child was born, his drinking went from roughy once or twice a week to maybe 3 sessions a month where he'd get slightly buzzed, but was still functional, the way most people will do socially from time to time, but about 4 times a year, would get absolutely inebriated, and come home full of verbal abuse of the kind that reduced me to swathes of tears...he'd be almost unable to stand and would want to hold our son...I'd have to physically stand between our son and him and stop him, otherwise at the very least he would have dropped him...it was pretty horrible.
Every time, the day after he'd promise to never do it again, and once he even went to AA, but it was only because I nearly left him.
He's a periods of abstinence, and has discovered online a theory and support group for "controlled moderation."
We actually seperated 3 months ago, although are still living in the same house, partly because of the drinking, but also because he is a complete -workaholic- as well...when not at work, he was at home glued to his home pc from waking to sleeping...we have not so much as spent one evening alone since our son was born 3.5 years ago...
Anyway. 2 weeks ago, I go up for a glass of water at 2am, and found him gone...rang his cell to make sure he was ok, and discovered him absolutely blasted on alcohol and valium, and sitting over at one of our good friend's houses...she had proceeded to get drunk with him. For 4 hours they on and off phoned my house to verbally abuse me, and make fun of me. I told him simply to not come back until he was sober...so of course at 6am, he shows up unable to even walk up the stairs.
I had an appointment at 9 that morning that I could not attend because he would have trashed the place or accidentally set fire to it or something or let the poor old cats out...so I spent the next three hours trying to placate him until he finally passed out.
Of course the next day, he gave me many apologies, and swore he'd never touch another drink if I'd come back to him...but I've heard this before and before and before....
When sober, he's a great dad and a gentle man, and I really do love the
"sober him"...but my dad was an alcoholic and I'm terribly afraid I'm going to live my mother's life.
So my questions for you guys are:
Does this sound like an alcohol problem to you, or is it within normal boundaries?
Is he an alcoholic if he only does it 3 times a year?
What are the chances of him making good on his promises this time, with either the moderation or abstinence, and the full knowledge now that I *will* leave him?
What other insights do you guys have? Please feel free to tell me anything that you think might help...I'm in dire need of advice and really need to know more...it just doesn't fit the "standard" pattern...my dad used to drink nearly every day...
Much and many thanks in advance to all who read and/or reply
The proverbial brass tacks are this:
My partner and I split 3 months ago having been together for over 4 years. We have a young toddler. All through our r/ship, was a heavy drinker...lovely caring and gentle when sober, a verbally nasty and highly unstable and irresponsible man when drunk.
After our child was born, his drinking went from roughy once or twice a week to maybe 3 sessions a month where he'd get slightly buzzed, but was still functional, the way most people will do socially from time to time, but about 4 times a year, would get absolutely inebriated, and come home full of verbal abuse of the kind that reduced me to swathes of tears...he'd be almost unable to stand and would want to hold our son...I'd have to physically stand between our son and him and stop him, otherwise at the very least he would have dropped him...it was pretty horrible.
Every time, the day after he'd promise to never do it again, and once he even went to AA, but it was only because I nearly left him.
He's a periods of abstinence, and has discovered online a theory and support group for "controlled moderation."
We actually seperated 3 months ago, although are still living in the same house, partly because of the drinking, but also because he is a complete -workaholic- as well...when not at work, he was at home glued to his home pc from waking to sleeping...we have not so much as spent one evening alone since our son was born 3.5 years ago...
Anyway. 2 weeks ago, I go up for a glass of water at 2am, and found him gone...rang his cell to make sure he was ok, and discovered him absolutely blasted on alcohol and valium, and sitting over at one of our good friend's houses...she had proceeded to get drunk with him. For 4 hours they on and off phoned my house to verbally abuse me, and make fun of me. I told him simply to not come back until he was sober...so of course at 6am, he shows up unable to even walk up the stairs.
I had an appointment at 9 that morning that I could not attend because he would have trashed the place or accidentally set fire to it or something or let the poor old cats out...so I spent the next three hours trying to placate him until he finally passed out.
Of course the next day, he gave me many apologies, and swore he'd never touch another drink if I'd come back to him...but I've heard this before and before and before....
When sober, he's a great dad and a gentle man, and I really do love the
"sober him"...but my dad was an alcoholic and I'm terribly afraid I'm going to live my mother's life.
So my questions for you guys are:
Does this sound like an alcohol problem to you, or is it within normal boundaries?
Is he an alcoholic if he only does it 3 times a year?
What are the chances of him making good on his promises this time, with either the moderation or abstinence, and the full knowledge now that I *will* leave him?
What other insights do you guys have? Please feel free to tell me anything that you think might help...I'm in dire need of advice and really need to know more...it just doesn't fit the "standard" pattern...my dad used to drink nearly every day...
Much and many thanks in advance to all who read and/or reply
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
MissileGirl;
First, WELCOME to Sr!
Please ask yourself this question.
Why should he believe you that you will leave this time? You've said it before and didn't follow through.
He's learned that you don't mean what you say. So, he can play the game, continue to get trashed occassionally, and know you will drop all your plans to care for his needs, so he doesn't hurt something or someone.
As far as being an alcoholic? Only he can answer that question. But, here's a short test you can give him to discern for himself. It's called CAGE test:
C - Have you ever thought you should CUT DOWN on your drinking?
A - Have you ever felt ANNOYED by others' criticism of your drinking?
G - Have you ever felt GUILTY about your drinking?
E - Do you have a morning EYE OPENER?
OR
The RAPS4, asks if an individual:
Felt guilt after their drinking (Remorse),
Could not remember things said or did after drinking (Amnesia),
Failed to do what was normally expected after drinking (Perform),
Had a morning drink (Starter).
http://alcoholism.about.com/library/blacer021117.htm
(I just found this; thought I would add it too.)
However, it really doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or not. If you don't like what's happening in your relationship, it is irrelevant, to be honest. Why are you staying in a relationship which is so unhealthy for you and your child? You don't really even HAVE a relationship, from what you've said about his workaholism.
Please know, I'm not telling you what to do. I'm directing questions to you so that YOU can make decisions about what to do with YOUR life, and the life of your precious child.
Wishing you well, and hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery.
Shalom!
First, WELCOME to Sr!
Please ask yourself this question.
Why should he believe you that you will leave this time? You've said it before and didn't follow through.
He's learned that you don't mean what you say. So, he can play the game, continue to get trashed occassionally, and know you will drop all your plans to care for his needs, so he doesn't hurt something or someone.
As far as being an alcoholic? Only he can answer that question. But, here's a short test you can give him to discern for himself. It's called CAGE test:
C - Have you ever thought you should CUT DOWN on your drinking?
A - Have you ever felt ANNOYED by others' criticism of your drinking?
G - Have you ever felt GUILTY about your drinking?
E - Do you have a morning EYE OPENER?
OR
The RAPS4, asks if an individual:
Felt guilt after their drinking (Remorse),
Could not remember things said or did after drinking (Amnesia),
Failed to do what was normally expected after drinking (Perform),
Had a morning drink (Starter).
When two quantity-frequency (QF) questions (drinking five or more drinks on an occasion and drinking as often as once a month) were added to the RAPS4, the RAPS4-QF performed significantly better for alcohol abuse, and outperformed CAGE across all gender, ethnic, and service-utilization groups.
(I just found this; thought I would add it too.)
However, it really doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or not. If you don't like what's happening in your relationship, it is irrelevant, to be honest. Why are you staying in a relationship which is so unhealthy for you and your child? You don't really even HAVE a relationship, from what you've said about his workaholism.
Please know, I'm not telling you what to do. I'm directing questions to you so that YOU can make decisions about what to do with YOUR life, and the life of your precious child.
Wishing you well, and hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery.
Shalom!
Last edited by historyteach; 09-26-2006 at 03:45 AM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I don't see where a technical labeling is necessary. If we label him an alcoholic does that excuse or explain what he did? He may be a sweet guy sober, that only means you can't rely on the good times because you are always waiting for the bottom to drop out. there comes a pattern where you know there is always a next time. He did willingly go this womans house and he did willing drink until he became so insensative he called your house through the night. There is no acceptable excuse for that. You are the mother of his child, it appears he never got around to bringing any real honor to that title. Is he your partner or is he everyones partner? I have a real issue with him bashing you to another woman. I suppose there is an exit process, but no matter how sorry he is, he put a knife right in the heart of your relationship. He is either a drunken jerk or he's using alcohol as an excuse to spend time with this woman. How did he wind up over at her house? It sounds like a bunch of garbage and these little "oops" he keeps having are cumulative.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
OK......remember being there where you are...and YES; his drinking is a problem,at least to you.
Most people do not accidently find their way to alcoholism recovery sites....
Glad you found us; start to put the focus back on your life and your child.it helps so much. Then you can take it from there.
Two great books I like are: "Under the Influence" by Milam and Ketcham and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com to "preview" them by reading some chapters free online)
Glad you are here:stick around. Lots of people here who are or have been in your shoes.....and are doing better in their own lives!
hugs to you!
Most people do not accidently find their way to alcoholism recovery sites....
Glad you found us; start to put the focus back on your life and your child.it helps so much. Then you can take it from there.
Two great books I like are: "Under the Influence" by Milam and Ketcham and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com to "preview" them by reading some chapters free online)
Glad you are here:stick around. Lots of people here who are or have been in your shoes.....and are doing better in their own lives!
hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: brisbane qld
Posts: 5
Historyteach...thanks for the link and the info...you ask why I'm still here when it's obviously bad for me and my child...well, part of the reason is that by law here (aus), my partner gets 50% custody immediately, unless he has done something -horrendous- to the child. Which he has never done. So I worry myself sick over who will look after my precious child if I'm not there and he gets wrecked. I literaly have nightmares about it. And he loves our child very much, and has made it -very- clear he will not give up his custody time.
Mallowcup...the woman is an old, old friend of both of ours, and it's nothing unusual for either of us to spend time with her either together or not, she also as a husband...we're all (well, we were) about as close as one can get to each other without being blood related. This is in no way about my partner being involved with her in any way...neither of us have any problems with having friends of either gender. Apparently he went over there because he was feeling down that we had broken up, and needed to talk to somone he knew we both trusted about how to win me back and how to deal with the pain of breaking up. Unfortunately, she is also a problem drinker, who is still in complete denial...and when you put angst, and 2 problem drinkers in a room with beer...well, you end up with 2 drunks. She wrote me a letter telling me that her actions that night were basically harmless and "in my best interests" and is apparently still mystified as to why I want nothing more to do with her! Unbelieveable.
Pick-a-name- you said "Most people do not accidently find their way to alcoholism recovery sites...." which brought quite the rueful smile to my face...how right you are. I wouldn't have sifted through half a million info websites on alcoholism, then joined up here if there was no problem. Thank you for the welcome and the book recommendations, I will look out for those
Mallowcup...the woman is an old, old friend of both of ours, and it's nothing unusual for either of us to spend time with her either together or not, she also as a husband...we're all (well, we were) about as close as one can get to each other without being blood related. This is in no way about my partner being involved with her in any way...neither of us have any problems with having friends of either gender. Apparently he went over there because he was feeling down that we had broken up, and needed to talk to somone he knew we both trusted about how to win me back and how to deal with the pain of breaking up. Unfortunately, she is also a problem drinker, who is still in complete denial...and when you put angst, and 2 problem drinkers in a room with beer...well, you end up with 2 drunks. She wrote me a letter telling me that her actions that night were basically harmless and "in my best interests" and is apparently still mystified as to why I want nothing more to do with her! Unbelieveable.
Pick-a-name- you said "Most people do not accidently find their way to alcoholism recovery sites...." which brought quite the rueful smile to my face...how right you are. I wouldn't have sifted through half a million info websites on alcoholism, then joined up here if there was no problem. Thank you for the welcome and the book recommendations, I will look out for those
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