I'm a newcomer

Old 09-25-2006, 06:40 AM
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I'm a newcomer

Hi, I've been lurking here reading the posts and I can say they have helped me. Not a lot yet but gave me a lot of thinking to do. I will try to keep this short. I have been married to my AH for 16 years and he has drank for the 16 years and verbally abusive when he is drinks. We have 11 year old twins. I am very emotionaly tired from the verbal abuse when he drinks. He went to Patriot's game last night. Came home at 3:30am trashed. I have to leave for work at 4:00am. The minute he came in he started calling me names and that I have a boyfriend, (which I don't), how much of a witch I am, how I am being this awful mother to my kids, etc, etc, etc, as I am getting ready for work. Then he calls me on my cell phone as I was driving to work to continue the attack on me. Then there was more verbal when I was here at work. I don't even know if he called in to his work that he wasn't going in. I'm fortunate that my kids can get themselves off to school.

I have a problem with this detachment part of it. Maybe I'm not understanding. How can this afternoon when he sobers up and I come home from work can I act like nothing happened. Shouldn't he have to pay for his consequences? Shouldn't he know what he has said and done. And that it hurt me and nobody should be talked to like that. I'm thinking of getting a tape recorder and taping his verbal assaults on me and letting him hear himself. If this situation was reversed, I know he would have thrown me to the curb.

I'm learning that I need to do for me and the kids. Whatever mood he is in, whether sober or drunk, I try to make my kids life as normal as can be. I'm finally not waiting for him and doing things with the kids without him. I am also came to the realization that I am cleaning the house for me and the kids and NOT for him. Today, I am making a nice roast beef dinner for me and the kids. If he wants to eat fine, if not, fine too.

The only outcome from this I see is divorce. He thinks having a few "cocktails" is fine. Like the word cocktails makes it okay. It would make it so much easier if he just left on his own rather than me feeling guilty because I told him to leave. I am scared, tired, and I don't want my children to think that this is what life is about. I want my children to respect people and not to accept this behavior from anyone.

I know I am rambling but my mind is going a mile a minute this morning.

I've thought about al-ateen and al-anon but I afraid what the reprecussions would be if my husband found out I was going to meetings. When you go to meeting does your spouse know you go and what do they say about it?

Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-25-2006, 07:43 AM
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I have a problem with this detachment part of it. Maybe I'm not understanding. How can this afternoon when he sobers up and I come home from work can I act like nothing happened. Shouldn't he have to pay for his consequences? Shouldn't he know what he has said and done.
You should read all the stickies here, keep posting and asking questions, and take your time sorting through all the info-- because it can be overwhelming and it's a lot to figure out. The detachment thing is very hard to understand for me too, but I think the logic behind it is, the alcoholic needs their partner to engage them in the usual dance- the abuse, the verbal assault, the blame game, etc. Somehow it serves to assuage their own guilt and self-hatred and in a weird way enables them to keep drinking by placing the burden and the fallout on someone else. If you no loger react in the same way, if you detach to the point that his actions don't bring you back to that miserable place, and he can't hook you in the dance, he loses his control and has no one to fight with anymore... he's left by himself with his guilt. And that's no fun cuz there's no one to blame, and he won't succeed in ruining your day too.

That's my interpretation of it. I'm fairly new to a lot of these ideas too, I don't know how people manage this detachment thing while staying with the alcoholic and living under the same roof, but many people do and do it well. You should definitely get to an Al Anon meeting. The One Day at a Time book has a message for every day that helped me to think through what a lot of these concepts and ideas mean in real life.

My ex knew and had actually recommended that I go to Al Anon, I think he saw it as a way of helping me "understand" him and I think he thought it would work in his favor while he pretended to be working AA. But I wasn't "scared" of him in any way.... if you are afraid of your husband's reactions if he finds out that you do attend meetings, then obviously that's another element that needs to be explored and where your line is between what's acceptable and what's not. But meetings might do you, and your kids, a world of good in learning to deal with an unhealthy situation in the healthiest way possible...for you and them. Women Who Love Too Much is a book that helped me understand the 'dance' mentioned above as well as how our childhood emotional experiences, even those that weren't super traumatic, tend to play out in our adult relationships.

I know it doesn't seem so right now probably but in time, the more you start to understand and fully accept the realities of things, your thinking patterns and your reactions just start changing... almost right under your nose. That's how it happens for me anyway. I just surrendered to my powerlessness over him and his choices and took control of my power over myself, acknowledged MY addiction and obsession with him, and made room in my head and my heart for the things I needed to do to get a handle on my life. And some days are hard, and I had to get used to feeling uncomfortable, and I still struggle.... but time and dedication to your OWN recovery does bring clarity and peace. It takes time, and it's not easy or pain-free, but a shift comes.

Read all you can on detachment and on setting boundaries so that you can have some self-respect and peace while you work through this difficult time and figure things out.

Glad you're here.
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Old 09-25-2006, 08:14 AM
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Angry I Can Relate

I can relate especially to the word cocktail or something else making it all ok. This may cause a ruckus but mine goes to the Legion, and because it's not the actual bar (he was banned from there), he thinks he's not a drunk. The Legion here pushes drinks like we're going into prohibition shortly. It makes me furious. Serving It Right? How about Serving It Wrong!
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Old 09-25-2006, 08:16 AM
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domella, Welcome to SR, so glad you checked in. deax explained it well.
Read everything you can and no rush unless physical violence is possible.

If he finds that you go to meetings, tell him it is a self improvement meeting and just for you.

Keep coming back and take what you can use and leave the rest.
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Old 09-25-2006, 10:20 AM
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There's a book called "Cracked" about a detox. In it, a woman tape recorded her verbally abusive husband and then played it back to him when he was sober. He then railed against her for hiring someone to impersonate him!

Much of what he's doing is because of the alcohol. The fact that you're scared of him says a lot, but it seems he's going to yell no matter what you do. Unless he has to know where you are all the time, you can get to a meeting without him knowing, but whatever you do, know that the ball is in your court. He's in a hellish state right now, and he doesn't really know what he's doing, though he thinks he does.
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Old 09-26-2006, 02:17 AM
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Thanks for your replies. This board has helped me. When I've had a bad night I come in the AM and read and reading everything puts everything into perspective.

It was so hard yesterday not to yell at him or to tell him how hurt I was. Before dinner was ready he said he probably wouldn't eat cuz he couldn't keep nothing down so I said "don't eat then" and went on my way doing what I was doing. He slept all day. I don't think he called his boss so I don't know if he'll be working today, but I have not control over that and that's his fault. He'll just have to suffer with no money until he gets another job if he has no job now.

Before I make any big decisions, I need to make myself stronger for my kids.

Thanks again for all the replies!!
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