Just an Observation

Old 09-24-2006, 05:27 PM
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Just an Observation

This is just my personal observation, and maybe just my projection. I have been in Alanon for nine months now. I am grateful for the program, the teachings, slogans, readings, etc... I have changed for the better.
But here is an observation which I maybe completely wrong about. But I have noticed after listening, watching, and talking with so many members, that although Alanon presents a very nice fellowship and safe place to share, there are very few real friendships outside the meetings. It sometimes amazes me that even long time mebers who seem to talk so deep with others and would appear as ones who know each other so well, outside the meetings they are almost strangers. This occurred to me a while back and I have just watched as I go along. It seems as though the concept of anonymity and keeping the focus on oneself, can sometimes be a hinderance to deeper friendships of those who share so much.
I have talked with a few others and they noticed the same thing. I don't know if this is geographical, or whatever, but it goes along with a post someone else wrote in another forum that deeper friendhsips seems to be waning. Maybe technology, people being so busy, fears, etc... but it kinda surprised me especially in a such a more intimate sharing environment this seems to be the case. Like I said, just my own observation. Any one have thoughts on it?

Ken
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Old 09-24-2006, 05:45 PM
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Hey there Ken,

I find that every group has it's own "flavor" depending on the people who attend. What is true for one group will be different a couple years later as the membership changes.

I have made deep and lasting friendships with many people on the program. Some have moved on as work and geography dictated. Others I have managed to keep in touch with. I think a friendship will only last thru time if both people make an effort to nourish it. Left unattended it will wither regardless of where it originated.

One couple I had not seen in some 15 years, and when we accidentaly met at a convention we chit-chatted like there had been no time between us. Ok, he's a little heavier and I'm a little whiter

Mike
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Old 10-19-2006, 08:37 PM
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sometimes i find that what we have in common is our program, so thats the best place for me to meet my recovery friends. sometimes i dare to ask a member out for coffee and a chat and they say yes! sometimes ive even gone out to see live music with other alanoners. its just that im more collectively aware with recovery people. your post made me think of how its like that for me in work and hobby groups moreso than my recovery actually, just meet and greet. time with recovery people is so intense that it makes time with others seem more superficial but it changes from time to time. and when i think of church, i barely know or really want to know those people much deeper because they dont have a program or a program way of communicating, humbly, openly, honestly and respectfully. but this isnt always.
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Old 11-01-2006, 10:40 PM
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In my group the friendships are deep - but they are program related. We come from many backgrounds and socio-economic levels and cultures and ethnic backgrounds... but the commonality that draws us to the meetings is our relationship with alcoholism/addiction.

In my group, we started an outside group that focuses on Traditions - and we opened it to all programs, but limited it to women only. Too many women could not share deeply in the presence of men, and did not feel safe doing so.

But as an outside group, we meet monthly at different homes. We did a step study, using the Paths to Recovery book, a regular Tradition study, using Paths to Recovery, a Traditions in Relationships study using a book called the same (Mary Pearl, Arkansas), and have started again with Traditions, using the Mary Pearl book AND Alanon, How It Works.

I've been attending these studies for two years and feel they have advanced my program more than my weekly meetings. In addition, many of these same girls have attended conferences - which also tightens those bonds.

We share phone numbers and make calls to one another... Alanon related.

That is a lot of emotional sharing between folks who don't otherwise have very much in common... to the point that I think we are the closest of friends.... but we don't necessarily go to the movies together.

For some of us, these are the only friends we have... and for now, that is far more than we've had before.

Are there many men in your Alanon group? Would they be willing to gather outside a meeting to walk through a step study or book study for 12 weeks or even once or twice a month? Can you invite men from some of the other programs? AA, EA, OA? Each of us brings a unique perspective, but many of us share some incredible commonalities.

I wish you the best, Ken.
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