Am I missing something??
caughtup
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Western part of NY
Posts: 31
Am I missing something??
I am so confused. My daughter and AB do not get along at all ... that is a bit of background. She has a boyfriend from England ... long story .. anyway he was here staying with her for 3 months and had to go back today, and last night she asked for my help taking him to the airport, about an hour away, because she was too upset about his leaving to drive. I agreed ... and my boyfriend got pissed. We've been fighting all day ...Am I missing something?? I just can't figure out what I did that was so wrong... my daughter was upset and crying .. when she hurts, I hurt ... I know it was last minute .. but why was there a need to get so pissed off about it?? This is what seems to happen whenever I help her out, I am always caught in the middle of them. He told me that he didn't want their bad relationship to come between us ... after the way he reacted today, and its not the first time, I told him, that if I had to worry about him being pissed off because I help her, then it would lead to the end of us, and he should let me know now. He got even more pissed and left. This is what happens sometimes, I feel like I was blindsided by a fight, and not sure what even happened, is that normal with alcoholics???? or am I missing something?? or did I really do something wrong??? HELP!!!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
How long have you been dating this guy? Is this your first experience with an alcoholic partner? If it is, alcoholics tend to be emotionally insecure and needy, so he probably feels threatened by your relationship with your daughter and the fact that you sometimes put him on the back-burner when she needs help. His anger and criticism of your actions is his way of controlling you.
If you haven't tried Alanon, you might want to give it a try.
If you haven't tried Alanon, you might want to give it a try.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
It justified his stomping off. Your daughter is your heart and he knows that. Who cares if he's mad, what are you going to do, put distance between you and your daughter so you can sit home alone? Maybe he couldn't live without your undivided attention for a couple of hours. Maybe you did something for someone other than him. Screw him.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
He told me that he didn't want their bad relationship to come between us ... after the way he reacted today, and its not the first time, I told him, that if I had to worry about him being pissed off because I help her, then it would lead to the end of us, and he should let me know now.
You say this is not the first time that this sort of thing has happened. And I'm going to assume that your boyfriend doesn't like you to do things for your daughter, spend time with her, etc. Maybe he feels you do too much for your daugher and neglect him - or maybe he just simply doesn't like the idea of you doing for anyone else but him.
Basically, I see it like this.
You have a choice. You can continue to do things for your daughter and have your boyfriend act like he does. Or you can not do for your daughter to please your boyfriend.
But most importantly, I'd say that you need to mean what you say and say what you mean.
I told him, that if I had to worry about him being pissed off because I help her, then it would lead to the end of us, and he should let me know now
caughtup
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Western part of NY
Posts: 31
My daughter is my heart, and I won't give her up ... we have had a close relationship .. and been through a lot together. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, and lived with him for over a year now. I didn't think I was doing something wrong, but they can be so convincing, can't they?? This is my first experience with an alcoholic ... personally anyway. I've seen friends go through it .. it probably will be over, and it will hurt like hell
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Have you done any research on alcoholism yet? There's plenty of information available at your local book store or on the internet. It will help you understand a lot of the baffling behavior that alcoholics tend to exhibit. One of them is narcisism--the feeling that the world should evolve around them--which would explain your boyfriend's reaction when you spend time with your daughter.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Mine would be resentful, too, of time spent w/ my kids.....I just could not believe he really was ?jealous of them. So, I would figure it had to be something else! Another foolery for me. Or, he'd just give me the silent treatment, OR take off-making it look like it was my fault, AND wanting to hurt me! Be cautious.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Remember - spouses come and go but children are forever. He was giving you and ultimatum just like mallow asked what are you going to do with it...the balls in your court.
It's never easy and it always hurts ...either way if you stay it hurts and if you leave it hurts. Which is the bigger hurt for you hun ?
Janit
It's never easy and it always hurts ...either way if you stay it hurts and if you leave it hurts. Which is the bigger hurt for you hun ?
Janit
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
How long have you been dating this guy? Is this your first experience with an alcoholic partner? If it is, alcoholics tend to be emotionally insecure and needy, so he probably feels threatened by your relationship with your daughter and the fact that you sometimes put him on the back-burner when she needs help. His anger and criticism of your actions is his way of controlling you.
It's not you.......it is sooooooooo "alcoholic" IMHO; my xah is like that (still!,I swear,even though he just divorced me) about OUR OWN children....he gets jealous of them,I swear. In fact, that is one reason he told me he was divorcing me;not enough attention to HIS needs,etc...that amoung other things,the kids interfered! (like when our son had heart surgery with complications a few years ago at 17yrs)
When it first happened, I laughed in his face.and finally said: hey, how about getting involved with the family and then we can do this together (novel idea?) or at least it will free me up to get the other stuff done and we can have some free time for the two of us.... Actually, he preferred to drink; but then felt left-out that we quit waiting,begging,etc. and went on with our plans when he whined about wanting to sit in front of the TV and drink instead.King Baby is a good term! It's pathetic,really.
caughtup
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Western part of NY
Posts: 31
we talked again last night ... he said that he feels that I have been distant from him for awhile now and that is why he got so upset by it. which is true, I have been distant from him, because I am afraid that he will drink himself to death by the time he is 50 anyway .. how do you stay close to someone like that??? I know if I left, it would still hurt ... a lot!!!! I won't fool myself there .. but I also wonder if some of the distance is related to my job, all I do is help others and am getting burned out with problems .. so I don't want to rush into leaving him now, when some of it could be job related ... not that he isn't without fault .. I know that he is ... but when we try to talk he would rather play the blame game as I call it than how can we make this better??? what is that about and how does that solve anything??? if he really wants it to work .. the blame game has got to go .. but it is so easy to get caught up in it isn't it??? or is it just me???
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
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No he's doing that on purpose. Your daughter asked for help. Period. Now he's turned into some vague complaint about distance and you spending yourself on everyone else. The fact is that a man that loved you would have said, "honey, I'll take them to the airport or I'll ride along with you". Let's also not pretend that your daughter fits into some vague catagory of "helping other people". She is your daughter. We should help other people. I bet you like helping others, now it's a character flaw? Here is a simple truth. Home. Home is where we get love and support, it is our sanctuary. It isn't where we "den up" and hide out. I think I'm starting to see some eggshells. Shame on your boyfriend, he's very transparent. Helping your own daugher is a statement, not something you need his permission for. I think you should start asserting yourself. By that, I mean exercise. Practice making statements to him. "I'm going shopping and i'll be back around 5pm." not "I'd like to go shopping OK?" He is actively manipulating everyone our of your life. did you tell him why you feel distant? That is also manipulating. He wants to use more and more control while actively making comments to make sure you continue to invest the same amount of yourself while he progresssively isolates you. I know for all you do, you tolerate and do the most for him. The reason you are starting to resent helping others is because he is draining your energy so now it's work or something you get mentally punished for. I also think there is osme projection going on. Isn't he the one who pulls back when you "help others?" I'm sorry but this guy sounds like a bum. Your daughter is probably ashamed her mother settles for this guy. He wants to show your daughter if it comes down to him or her, he'll win. He wants your daughter to feel like she is a pain in the butt. While he speaks of distance, he creates it. Can you really have a relationship with someone who thinks your daughter is in the way? Should your daughter modify her behavior to make him happy and just stay away? I think that is exactly what he wants and I think that's exactly what she'll do. I would. wouldn't you?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Do not disengage
As people drop out of our life, and they will. You become disengaged with the outside world. You become saturated with him. Whatever makes him happy. Progressively YOU fade away. It doesn't happen at once. Inch by inch he disapproves and you start chipping away at everything in your life that makes him pout or pull back. He makes it all seem reasonable enough. That's why I say practice. You are an adult woman. You don't need his comments, his permission or his recoil when you use the brain that God gave you. You did have a life before him and you managed to get along without hurting yourself. Why would he interpret you helping others as being used by them? I'll tell you why, any time spent on anyone other than him is a waste of your time. He already has you thinking you'll wither without him. This is only going to get worse. What the heck does he mean, he wants to make this work out? Doesn't he really mean, feel scared, I will leave and i will withold affection if I don't have everything my way?" As I said, a man who loved you would have said "honey, sure we can give them a ride, I'll drive". I bet he never moved his fat butt of the couch and I bet when you got home he pouted making you regret helping your own daughter.
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Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by caughtup
but when we try to talk he would rather play the blame game as I call it than how can we make this better??? what is that about and how does that solve anything??? if he really wants it to work .. the blame game has got to go .. but it is so easy to get caught up in it isn't it??? or is it just me???
It's not just you; most likely it is "just" alcoholism. I got so used to giving my AH the "benefit of the doubt" that without my knowledge, I started making the "excuses" to myself FOR him...after awhile I got so caught up in my own doubts and thinking that he didn't have to be accountable for his own actions/lack of actions....I think that is the pattern that a lot of loved ones of alcoholics fall into...our "dance" with them.
Start to listen and trust your own gut,again. JMHO
The reason you "aren't connecting"? You are trying to interact with the alcohol...he is not present;the drug is. You can NOT have an emotional relationship of depth with a person who is using drugs to take away his feelings. I tried for years.....no one is home inside him without recovery.
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
My AH did the same things. He is extremely jealous of my son. Anything I did for my son was met with anger from AH to the point of screaming and blaming all our problems on my son. my AH is VERY needy. He wants to be number 1 and has told me so on numerous occasions. He wants my attention and affection focused on him almost all the time. If I ever disagreed with him in public, he would go off the deep end later.
We are in the process of a dissolution right now.
Based on my experience, I don't see your situation changing. Run !
We are in the process of a dissolution right now.
Based on my experience, I don't see your situation changing. Run !
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by lostnotfound
My AH did the same things. He is extremely jealous of my son. Anything I did for my son was met with anger from AH to the point of screaming and blaming all our problems on my son. my AH is VERY needy. He wants to be number 1 and has told me so on numerous occasions. He wants my attention and affection focused on him almost all the time. If I ever disagreed with him in public, he would go off the deep end later.
We are in the process of a dissolution right now.
Based on my experience, I don't see your situation changing. Run !
We are in the process of a dissolution right now.
Based on my experience, I don't see your situation changing. Run !
There are some chapters in one of the "Getting Them Sober" books about this. Possibly in one of the online chapters at http://www.GettingThemSober.com I have found them extremely helpful;you might,too.
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