constant

Haven't been here in a very long time, but am really feeling the need to get help somewhere.

18 years....three kids.....He ALWAYS provided for the family....worked hard, we have never wanted for anything BUT here we are. There was an incident (not that this was the 1st, but the 1st w/involving the kids) where my H crossed a line that I can't get past. We had been out...drinks...he had too many....he was mad at our 15 yr old son for piercing his ears. He woke our son from a dead sleep by kicking the remote out of his hands.....verballly abused him...then slapped him in the face....I stepped in and he came after me w/furniture flying. I called for help....not 911....why???? I DON"T KNOW!!! My soon to be brother in law and sister were there in minutes. We tried to leave...my son wouldn't....he was too afraid....my 6 year old was awakened and heard most everything. Days later I told him I couldn't live this way...I wasn't telling him what to do, but what I couldn't do anymore. He agreed no more bars, no liquor (like beer is different) and if ANYTHING else happened he would get help or quit cold turkey! I agreed.

Several weeks went by....he drank nearly everyday. Then several days ago he was supposed to pick the two oldest up from practice at 8pm....I had the youngest w/me at band practice (I sing) and he would get her on their way home. (School nite) He called at 7:45...was running late, got someone to bring them home (not my daughter) and he was on his way. Well he showed up at 2am......we haven't really said two words since. Really what is there to say. I just want to cry....scream.....yell names and shake him and say WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Then I begin to doubt myself....maybe I like the drama....maybe I instigate to keep things stirred up....I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I know those things aren't true....I just can't believe that this is how it ends....I have made so many mistakes...shoulda...coulda....but no matter how much I go thru memories...this is where I am today. Now if someone would kindly turn on the light so I can see where to go tomorrow...

Sorry for such a long post....but I am struggling here!!!!

denny57

I learned I had to turn on my own light. There was nothing anyone else ever said to me, or advice they gave to me, that I couldn't rationalize and explain away why that wouldn't work for me. When I got sick and tired of being sick and tired I made a choice to give myself a better life.

So Confused

I am so sorry for your pain. I think it ends however and whenever you decide. They will never end it. Even whenyou think they have gone they will be back. Almost ironic i guess. I am so sorry your children had to go through that and fro you to feel that as a parent. I cannot imagine. I do know as a parent myself My daughter is first and foremost and what is best for her. Although I am uncertain of your entire situation. At this point you need to look out for you and your childrens safety. he seems like he is so far gone that he he is in a world that makes perfect sense to him. This is not about him anymore. People can do all the right things for a very olong time but it only takes one insane act to lose that. I wish you the best and hope things get better and the light comes on soon. remember you control you and your children will need a very strong you through al o fhtis. So make a little team with you and your kids hold hands tight and go find the light switch good luck
SC

Pick-a-name

Oh; the memories...thank you for the reminder today.

Sounds soooooooooooo familiar. Mine is still providing financially; but he got mad and moved out a few years back (he "couldn't take US" ha) and I told him he could not come back unless the drinking problem was addressed and THEN we would talk about it,etc. A few months ago he divorced me...27yrs and two children later......

I can't believe that this is how it ended;either. There were lots of good years before we got to this,but ....it did.

Sorry you are hurting;glad you are here.
hugs

constant

Guess I have been afraid to "flip" the light switch....I have known where this has been heading....just holding out hope or maybe just denying to make it easier. Reading what I have written helps me to see that I am not crazy...this relationship is.

Yes, I have put up with many things over the years, but watching the look on my sons face that night was it for me. I just don't think I can get past that without a full commitment to quit drinking....and he isn't willing to give that.

I have been trying to get a job with the local school system to have health insurance and retirement benefits.....plus MAYBE enough to keep us afloat (the kids and myself) I just have this feeling that when I tell him that is it, that he will tail spin and I won't be able to count on him financially. So many things attached it clouds the ability to stay focused on the issue.

Thanks for all the reponses.....Pick-a-name.....27 years....I am so sorry, but glad to know that I can still become the person that I want to be....or really who I am.

FormerDoormat

Constant, if your husband is drinking daily, why are you allowing him to chauffer your children around? Would you allow your drunk next-door neighbor to pick them up after school or a drunk from the bar down the street?

Just because it's your husband who's driving them around drunk doesn't make it any less wrong or any more safe. If there's one thing I've learned about alcoholism after spending 24 years with my AB:

It's safe to assume that an active alcoholic is ALWAYS under the influence of alcohol.

Now, my next question: Why are you allowing your husband to verbally and physically assault your children? Although you say that that's unacceptable behavior, the fact that he's still living under the same roof with you and your children says otherwise.

And his answer "if it (physical abuse) happens again, I'll get help," says to me that there WILL be a next time.

You wondered if maybe you like the drama, I think the answer might well be yes and you might want to dig deeper to determine if and why this is true. Have you ever attended an Alanon meeting or sought counseling for yourself or your children? You may find them helpful.

mallowcup

The first time my ex hit my oldest son, I left, I knew if he ever did it again, I'd kill him. I never wanted to be in that position.

Janitw

Constant - hi there and welcome back hun. My AXH did soooo many of the same kind of things to our 3 kids before he finally took up with a meth whXre in July 05, and left us for good. When I think back at all the abuse I allowed to happen to me and the kids just because I felt trapped by his paycheck...it wasn't worth it at all, not at all. Especially when they all became teenagers..now that was probably the hardest time of all because when they become this particular age they know he's drunk and are embarrassed by his actions. My son used to make fun of him in front of his friends and hit him up for big bucks when he was drunk. But in reality - my son was doing this as a defense mechanism so he could just deal with the reality of it all. And yes he did become violent with the kids for the same reason that yours did. My son pierced his ear and my husband called him every name in the book and tried to rip out of his ear. Thank the lord my son was driving age and left the scene immediately. My kids were always calling me at work and the code was "How sooon can you be home mom?" This mean't that he's causing big trouble and I needed to hit the road. The problem was I worked over an hour from home so all the way home I had to wonder what the heck was going on. I, like you was addicted to the chaos and crisis. And when he left I had no idea how to deal with the calm and serenity....it scared me for a long long long time. Now its been 14 months and I'm still hurting but recovering every day. 2 of the 3 kids are out on their own and I wonder how much more stable the 3 of them would've been if they truly had a strong mother instead of the one that merely enabled her AH all those years. 22 years honey - if you have the strength do it for them if not for yourself. Remember - kids are what they see. How sad it all is. This disease is just awful. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep coming back ok we are all here for you girl.

Janit

StandingStrong

You asked:
Well, I think that the majority of the time, the alcoholism & behavior escalate. And it ends when we say "enough!" and mean it & back it up!
I think that "bottoms" are individual places for each person, so in that, only you can decide when if this is how it ends and if it ends now.


(I, too, allowed way more to happen than I ever should have. Don't be so hard on yourself. No one can change the past, but you can change the present and the future)

constant

Former Dormat.....ouch!!! Quite a bit of judging for someone after reading one thread.

I wasn't referring to and neither was my H to a repeat abusive incident....but drinking to drunkeness. I accepted the offer he propsed....but I know that he is UNABLE to control his drinking.....HE hasn't learned that yet....maybe he will see when the next drinking binge occurs....maybe he won't, but either way, I have satisfied myself that I have given every opportunity for him to get help.

I have learned to NEVER assume....that is a quick way to get burned As far as him driving the kids around drunk....I set that boundary some time ago and he has honored it.....see where assuming gets you.

Thanks to everyone else for listening.....I am not perfect.....I have a "plan" in place for our safety if needed and I am working on the future a little everyday.

Blessing to all, Constant

denny57

The funny thing about denial is it's not something you know you are in while you're in it. I look back now and am amazed how deep I was in it.

Same holds true for the A. We are not able to say "I'm in denial." It doesn't work that way. I can say now, I was in denial. A lot.

FormerDoormat

So by taking a "wait-and-see" approach, like the one you just proposed, does that mean that one attack on your son at the hand of your husband is OK? That's the message you're sending your husband. If my partner attacked my child there would be no opportunity for a repeat attack, as he would no longer be living in my home. Period. As a parent, I'm responsible for the safety of my child.

Keep in mind that you may choose to live with an alcoholic, verbally, and now physically abusive husband, but unless you choose to do something about it, your son has no choice in the matter.

By not setting a boundary now, that gives your husband an opportunity to repeat his abusive behavior. Experts on abuse frequently stress the fact that abuse tends to recur and escalate, so why give him the opportunity with a "wait and see" approach?

margo

(((((((Constant))))))) Hey girl - long time, no see! I'm sorry to read about what happened. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do have lots of hugs and support for you in whatever you chose to do. Keep working on that plan. Really good to see you again - don't be such a stranger!

constant

AWWWW!!! Thanks Margo!!!

I have spoken to my pastor and am trying to decide what the next step will be. He was very helpful and knowlegdable on the subject. I didn't realize it, but we actually have a an addiction intervention counselor at the church. For now everyone is doing well......we're just taking it a day at a time!!

The atmosphere here has changed a bit.......that seems to happen as groups, businesses or congregations grow larger.

Thanks again......Constant