the times that suck
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Sioux Falls SD
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the times that suck
Ok, it's saturday night and once again I'm sitting up worrying about AH. He and some of his friends went to a local concert. Before he left we talked about him drinking tonight. I reminded him that our youngest is getting baptized tomorrow...he said he reallydidn't want to drink, that he really got sick last time and he "just can't do it anymore." Well, I've heard it all before so I said good, but call me if you do so I don't end up waiting up all night. He hasn't called and I have no idea where he's at. I think I'm to the point where I know he's drinking (if he's not I''ll feel bad but c'mon). I guess what I want to know is what do I do with myself so that I'm not sitting here waiting for word from him. I get anxiety when this stuff happens and I have no way to control it...I'm getting so that I can't stand myself.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
What you're experiencing is what happens...
... when people become involved in another person's business. In this case, you are involved in your husband's addiction. So here is WHAT IS: you are involved in his addiction, he is involved in his addiction, you are not involved with yourself, and he is not involved with you or your life. Who is getting the raw deal here?
He has his addiction. He does what he wants. He doesn't respect your requests. He has his addiction.
You worry about his addiction. You want him to do what he should want to do; i.e., appropriate, responsible behavior. You feel you are being shown disrespect or simply being discounted as nothing and nobody - after all, he's out partying and you're the one getting the ulcer. He's out partying and you can go to h*** as far as he's concerned. In fact, I doubt he's doing anything with malicious intent towards you - he's DOING EXACTLY WHAT HE -AND HE ALONE - WISHES TO DO.
You'll end up dead or sick or having a nervous breakdown while he's out in la-la land having a good time.
Are you beginning to see what is happening here?
You are wasting your emotional and physical resources worrying about someone else. Someone else, I might add, who isn't the least bit worried if he ends up being arrested, in a car wreck, or lying face down in a gutter somewhere.
He matters to you. His addiction - and maintaining it - matters to him.
Please read all the stickies above the posts. Read a lot of these posts. Every one of us has been where you are. You don't need to be where you are. You're worried because you love him and you are concerned for his welfare. But ask yourself this: does he love himself? is he genuinely concerned about his welfare? It doesn't sound as if he cares, or is thinking about, the responsibilities he has tomorrow. Why should he? You are doing all the worrying for both of you.
He has his addiction. He does what he wants. He doesn't respect your requests. He has his addiction.
You worry about his addiction. You want him to do what he should want to do; i.e., appropriate, responsible behavior. You feel you are being shown disrespect or simply being discounted as nothing and nobody - after all, he's out partying and you're the one getting the ulcer. He's out partying and you can go to h*** as far as he's concerned. In fact, I doubt he's doing anything with malicious intent towards you - he's DOING EXACTLY WHAT HE -AND HE ALONE - WISHES TO DO.
You'll end up dead or sick or having a nervous breakdown while he's out in la-la land having a good time.
Are you beginning to see what is happening here?
You are wasting your emotional and physical resources worrying about someone else. Someone else, I might add, who isn't the least bit worried if he ends up being arrested, in a car wreck, or lying face down in a gutter somewhere.
He matters to you. His addiction - and maintaining it - matters to him.
Please read all the stickies above the posts. Read a lot of these posts. Every one of us has been where you are. You don't need to be where you are. You're worried because you love him and you are concerned for his welfare. But ask yourself this: does he love himself? is he genuinely concerned about his welfare? It doesn't sound as if he cares, or is thinking about, the responsibilities he has tomorrow. Why should he? You are doing all the worrying for both of you.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
This response sounds like "sticky" material to me!
(((hopeful skeptic))) Sorry you are feeling this way (it is miserable,isn't it?!) but I hope you are able learn this valuable lesson a lot faster than I did! Glad you are here and posted this!
(((hopeful skeptic))) Sorry you are feeling this way (it is miserable,isn't it?!) but I hope you are able learn this valuable lesson a lot faster than I did! Glad you are here and posted this!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I relate to what you are saying hopeful skeptic. I can't even begin to tell you how many days and nights I was in that same place you are right now. The worrying, the anxiety, the fears, etc. - and then AH would walk in the door and I'd be soooo angry. Angry that he'd treated me that way, angry that I'd worried myself sick when he was out having a good time, etc. That cycle continued with AH and myself for many many years!
Prodigal, your post was soooo well written. I agree with Pick-a-name - that's a sticky material!!!!!!
hopeful, it's very hard to detach. It takes a whole lot of work and it hurts. But I think that once you really start focusing on you and putting you and your children first, then the priorities sort of change. I realized that when I started putting myself and my children above AH, my life started changing. I had to change my focus FROM AH. I could no longer keep living my life around him or through him.
I even understand the anxiety and ulcer issues. I've been there. Even after AH and I had seperated, we went through a very rough time. I ended up with stress so high that I was breaking out on my face. I am scarred to this day and they will never go away.
I hope you will read Codependant No More by Melody Beattie. I hope that you'll find Alanon meetings. I hope that you will read the "Stickies" that are on the top of this forum. I hope that you will choose to save YOURSELF instead of trying to save your AH.
(((hopeful skeptic))))
Prodigal, your post was soooo well written. I agree with Pick-a-name - that's a sticky material!!!!!!
hopeful, it's very hard to detach. It takes a whole lot of work and it hurts. But I think that once you really start focusing on you and putting you and your children first, then the priorities sort of change. I realized that when I started putting myself and my children above AH, my life started changing. I had to change my focus FROM AH. I could no longer keep living my life around him or through him.
I even understand the anxiety and ulcer issues. I've been there. Even after AH and I had seperated, we went through a very rough time. I ended up with stress so high that I was breaking out on my face. I am scarred to this day and they will never go away.
I hope you will read Codependant No More by Melody Beattie. I hope that you'll find Alanon meetings. I hope that you will read the "Stickies" that are on the top of this forum. I hope that you will choose to save YOURSELF instead of trying to save your AH.
(((hopeful skeptic))))
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Yes, something else could have happened to him...
... it could be that time slipped away from him and he forgot. It could be that he's locked up in jail. Regardless of what has happened to him, it happened as a consequence of his own actions. His wife is worried sick. And the operative word in that sentence is "sick." She's sick. He's sick. Their children are probably sick as well.
So somebody needs to start getting better. It doesn't sound as if the A is ready to take that step. I suggest the poster do what she needs to do in order to get help, get better, and begin the road to recovery.
I sincerely hope nothing terrible has befallen her husband. She is worrying out of concern and love. But her worrying cannot and will not stop his addiction. Bottom line: the ball is in her court.
So somebody needs to start getting better. It doesn't sound as if the A is ready to take that step. I suggest the poster do what she needs to do in order to get help, get better, and begin the road to recovery.
I sincerely hope nothing terrible has befallen her husband. She is worrying out of concern and love. But her worrying cannot and will not stop his addiction. Bottom line: the ball is in her court.
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