JessicaNAJ

I was on my way to a wedding and had a ring on my other hand that was hurting my finger. So I put it on my ring finger and I said, "I don't want to wear that there...that means I'm married." (It was a stupid comment and it totally slipped.) My son looked at me and rightfully said, "you are married." I started saying, "I am, but husband needs to be there for his family, and your dad is not." Then my son said the next time he talks to his dad, he's going to ask him to move back in. I told him I don't want him to move back!! I can't trust him! He stole from him, he stole from his sister, and he lied to me!! Then my son says, "Yeah, but there's always hope."

I could tell my son didn't want to have this conversation....it broke my heart to see him hurt. I felt such a need to smooth things over with him....I wanted to say something to make him feel better, but I knew I wouldn't say what he wanted to hear.

I'm sure I didn't handle this right......How do I make this easier for him?

Freedom07

I am also struggling with telling my children. I have read much on the subject and I think I will be framing the discussion by explaining the there are different kinds of diseases. Some are physical, some are mental and some have both. I will explain to them that their mom has a sickness that includes both and she doesn't really know how her disease hurts her and us. I will tell them that she needs to be away from us, so that we can stay healthy and she can figure out what she needs to do.

best

Start by listening to the truth that comes from his lips.
You are married. By man's law and by God's law, you are married.
There is always hope as well.

Now getting to the hard part... Dad has an illness and it causes him to say and do things that are not nice...for that reason, he is not allowed back.
You never know what the future may hold and if he changes and grows...
The liklyhood of such happening is in his hands and it will take a long time.
By giving your son a time frame, he will better understand.
It could take a year or more before his behaviors and illness show a change.

JessicaNAJ

I will always respect that. But I can't see wearing a ring on my finger that shows love and devotion if that does not exist.

JessicaNAJ

I'm not sure I understand?

I have not told my son his dad uses crack, nor have I told him when he was arrested they found a crack pipe on him. Do you think I should? He knows about his dad's drinking problem...and I think that like me, he accepts it and it's harder to detach b/c we've lived with it everyday. But this crack thing is really destroying G's life and I don't want any part of it. PERIOD!

best

Understood and by you thinking out such, you will have a better understanding of what to tell your son. As little as needed but enough so that he understands.
A good place to start any sentence when talking about dad...
Because of his illness.....
Never a direct attack "at" him.
Children understand much more then we think they do.

best

The mom's on the Nar Anon board will have much better wisdom then I do.
Read the sticky posts on that board and ask of them there as well. They have been or are in your shoes as far as dealing with drug issues and what to tell the children.
Wonderful people on this board as well..you would be expanding the wisdom base by looking about on both boards.

Freedom07

I totally agree. When discussing with the child of an addict, we need to explain that this disease is just that a disease. We love our addicted spouses, but we hate what they are doing to themselves & us. At the same time, we also need to think about how family systems work because as a system, it will always function. That is the nature of a system. However, the addicts behavior causes a dysfunctional system because each of the family members is living in constant reaction to the addicts behavior. This is why seperation from the addict is crucial, because if we are not distanced from the unhealthy behavior, we grow ill as well.

Freedom07

Best - I like your quote. It is through suffering that we find Grace. I also believe that suffering, when offered up for a good intention, has the power to move mountains.

0816

As a mother, I can understand your struggle. Kids don't understand the concept of a marrital relationship. They only know that they want their parents together no matter what. Please don't beat yourself up as you did nothing wrong! You need to keep them safe (emotionally as well as physically) first and foremost. Think of it this way, if you kids want to eat cotton candy every night for dinner, you'll say no because it will do harm to them in the long run....SAME HERE!

I believe in being as honest as possible with the kids. They don't need to know the specifics of the situation (don't need to know how much he drinks, etc). Through experience, I have found that things are usually alright when I talk to my kids in a very calm way and explain:

Daddy has a problem he needs to work on very hard, we need to give him space to fix this. Alcohol/drug abuse destroys families and can't be allowed in the house, EVER. I know it will feel weird, but I'm here for you and we'll be just fine.

I know that the tone you use is key. If they see you're not sad or stressed, they probably won't be, either. I think we fear this most of all but really shouldn't. People have gotton divorced for far less that legitimate addiction issues. Not ideal for the kids but neither is it ideal to give them a head full of screwed up memories.

My two-cents. Stay strong. You sound like a wonderful mother!

rayofsunshine

Hi Jessica, It sounds like your son understands alot already and would benefit
in the long run from your honesty about the dads drinking/ crack problems.
Studies have shown that children of an addicted parent have a greater chance of being addicted themselves if they try drinking or drugs. JMHO I think its important to be as honest as possible in talking to your children about their fathers addiction (whatever you feel appropriate for their age) and keep the lines of communication open so when their older and may be tempted to try drugs themselves, they'll be able to say no, and will feel comfortable asking you questions if need be. This is a tough situation for sure ... sending hugs and prayers your way.


I like this quote from above as a good way to explain daddys problem.

denny57

Jessica, is this the son who is in therapy? Why not talk to his therapist (or your own) about how you should handle it? Just a thought.

((()))

LaTeeDa

THE most important thing to express with kids is that it is NOT their fault. They don't say that they feel responsible, but they do. He needs to know that nothing he did caused this problem, and that nothing he can do will fix it. And he needs to hear that from you over and over again. Children believe that adults are always right. They do not understand how someone who is supposed to know better can make the wrong choices. Therefore, it must be their (the child's) fault. Even if they don't say it out loud, they do blame themselves.

Sharing information about the disease will help them to understand a little better, but stressing that it is not his fault is most important. This was told to me by my counselor and it's also the number one point in all the literature I've read about how divorce (or separation) affects children.

L

JessicaNAJ

Thank you all for your responses. I did tell him yesterday about his dad's drug problem/illness/addiction. I explained that nothing any of us would do could help him. That his dad is responsible for his own choices. And it has to be his choice to get help, if that is what his dad feel's he needs to do. All we can do is do what is best for us, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure my son has what he needs to be happy.

He said, "I wish they wouldn't make drugs, or alcohol, or cigarettes, or beer. Why do people make that?" I told him b/c it's extrememly addicting and the bad people make a lot of money off of it. I explained that that was mostly because of drugs that there were so many shootings and robberies on the news. "Drugs will destroy a person's life. You saw what it's done to your aunt."

I think he understood and using his aunt as an example to look at, he can see that it's not his dad, but the drug.

He goes to his counsellor on Wednesday, I will mention this to her if given the chance.

escape artist

jess- i tell them that there is a whole lot of stuff out there in the world which they will be tempted with. esp. when friends say, "oh you gotta try this". and it will be up to them to decide they do not need to even "try" it because of how it can and does take one's soul. then i go on further to say, there is nothing in this world in your life that is so bad that you and God can not handle. -so best thing to do is give it to God and have FAITH.
i also talk to them about their Dad's disease, and how it makes us all sick to be around it and that is why their father needs to be away from us so that he can take a walk with God to work it out. We didn't cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it. But we CAN take care of ourselves.

i think a good sign is when you see your 8 year old daughter who used to chew her nails down to the quick...now has beautiful healthy, straight (not curly) nails instead. AH has been out of the house since JUne 05.

Freedom07

jessica,

you are brave to handle it directly with your child. Hats off to you. Funny how, we are forced to grow, face our limitations, and have courage through these situations. I believe in a divine power, and I believe he is presenting us opportunities to grow every day. Unfortunately, at least for me, my personal growth quite often involves pain. Not always, but alot of the time. I have a favorite quote I learned a long time ago that I think definitely applies to you.

When your green your growing, when your ripe your dead.

Well, you are bright green. Luv to see it

Freedom07

CatsTail

Hi Jessica,

I don't know if this would be a help to you.

"Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope."

By: Suzy Yehl Marta

This is abook on the Rainbows Approach to guide Children through Crisis.

Maybe there are Rainbow groups in your area where your son could go........

I found a 1-800 number on the internet. They can tell you where groups are and you can order the book if you are interested.

Ngaire