mazey

I know I have to do this myself, but anyone have any helpful hints....recently, it's like everything I do he's in my head/thoughts. Yesterday, I trimmed trees....hauled them to burn pile. Thinking how much he loved a good fire in the burn pile. We'd sit there and watch it. HELP me! I had been doing better, I hate this. His Mother had surgery yesterday and his sis called to let me know all okay. Then the Doped up Mom from surgery started to tell me all his activities. STOP! Why does he sound so fing good? I know I have to kill all these thoughts. But, the tender moments keep rolling around in my head, and I need to over ride them with the REAL life. I am not regretful, just weak. Please, give me some coaching, or kick in the ....! Why can't I prioritize the memories?

mallowcup

Why don't you invite someone over. You aren't weak, you are human. I'd sit down and write a list of all the rotten things he's said, all the disappointments and all the times you sat alone. When you feel weak, read the list. It's hard to start new patterns. I think when you start thinking of him, you should make yourself something for dinner that you like and he hated, you should watch HGTV until you want thorw up, try a different nail polish, stay up late and sleep in. There are TV shows my husband hates, foods he doesn't like, music he doesn't like, all things I put off when he's here. Well, he's been gone a week on a trip and I have been having the time of my life. I've had HGTV on for about two days straight, I've taken a hot bath and had a long afternoon nap and then stayed up half the night. I eat lunch at 5am and dinner at 4pm or 10 pm, whatever. Oh, I also tie up the phone talking about absolutely nothing to my girlfriend.

StandingStrong

Well, I think that the memories are very normal. You remember the good times, the happier times, etc - you love this man so of course your heart and mind is going to remind you of the past memories.
What I do when this happens to me is refer to my Reality Check List. And I remember all the crappy things that AH did, I remember the bad memories as well as the good. I'm not sure this is actually healthy, but it works for me as it evens those memories out. When referring to my Reality Check List, I am forced to see/look at the reality - not the memories that seem so good.
Something else that I really think can benefit a person is when a person creates new memories. Not meaning to overplace the old ones (though I know that some people here have done just that, made a new memory out of an old one, I'm just not ready to do that yet for myself) but I mean, try new things and make new friends. Live life!! The busier you are, the less reminising time there will be - the more you hang out with friends, etc. this takes conversation, etc which allows my mind less time to wander back into memory land.
I have some memories that still make me smile, but I have also a lot of memories that could probably still make me cry if I thought of them long enough.
Today my life is new - each day I get another chance to reach the life that I wish to have - and I take the memories I have with me, but I try really hard to not let them get to me too bad. I love the memory for a bit, think of my reality, and then I go on - and create a new memory.

Not sure if I've explained myself well or if this has even helped any, but remember, memories are very normal. I think it's just how long we keep them present and how we handle and react to them that can make all the difference.

P.S. What have you done for YOU lately? Anything new?

Pick-a-name

Haha...so THAT is what I have been doing?! The old "lemonade out of lemons" thing! Whatever; I find it helps,too!

Hope all of you are doing something to pamper your own spirit (big or small) today! You are all very special,loving people who are very specail to ME! Thank you all!

mallowcup

I had a love affair with these two guys last night. Ben and Jerry.

mazey

Hee hee, Ben AND Jerry? Those were very good ideas...I was in a rut! Still trying to dig out of it. I am making a list, terrific idea....I go back to my diaries/journals and immediately am stronger. But, a list will be simple...all the important dates and he was "unavailable" for me, etc. things he has said, etc.
It is hard to sort thru all the emotions, but I'll get where I need to be more often than not.....hope it is soon

CatsPajamas

I have found it healthy to remember the good and the bad. It's good to write it down so I can review both lists. The thing that has worked for me is to say that WE - the combination of him and me - WE were toxic. Neither of us is to blame for the end of the relationship. It just wasn't healthy. Once I took the blame and guilt and anger out of it, it's been easier to work thru.

I am sad that he's not in my life anymore. I am sad that he's not healthy right now. I am glad that he's not in my life anymore. I am glad that I am in a healthier place.

There aren't too many places where I can say that and people will understand.

People here understand.
Ben & Jerry understand.

Cat