New to me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Dublin
Posts: 1
New to me
Hi everyone.
I've never had to deal with anything serious that involved myself, family or friends until last year. I've put in as much detail as possible so that someone may relate to this and offer me some advice. This is all new to me and it's very hard to take in when it involves somone close to me. I would appreciate any feedback or advice:
I started dating this girl and we got along great. It was never really love but more like really close friends who cared for each other deeply. We knew from the start that our relationship was never going to last, romantically. I'm from another country and plan on returning next year. I would never settle in her country and she told me she'd never settle in mine. We're both homegrown from small towns.
Anyways, about 2 months in she revealed to me that she had a problem with alcohol. She used to be a big drinker but decided the previous year that she would slow her drinking habits down. Well, she was never able to control that. She would sometimes have a drink and be on the verge of blacking out on the 2nd. I had to carry her home through throngs of people in the pub while they just stared or laughed. It began to get worse where her parents would be so strict about her staying out late, despite being 28 yrs old, that she would come out with me and sneak a few drinks despite my concern. I always ended up taking care of her and watching her to make sure she doesnt drink anymore (which included all night watches sometimes). Dont get me wrong, the parents were great support. I was envious of the support she received. But they were very strict at the same time for obvious reasons.
She seeked help at this stage. The doctor just told her "you should be sitting in my seat" on account of her being able to admit her problem and knowing what shes doing to herself and loved ones. She's never been diagnosed with anything, not even alcoholism! The doctors and therapists just humm and haww without offering any advice, other than just trying to boost her confidence, unsuccessfully. She went to an AA meeting and when she told her story, everyone was so perplexed at how a perfectly good girl with perfectly good family, job, friends, life and health would attend an AA meeting. They began to question why she was there, and started comparing their tragic stories to hers. She felt so ashamed being there that she didnt go back and refuses to do so.
Then the lying, hiding, and cheating began. She would sneak bottles in her purse, lie about it when i confronted her and she even cheated on me. I forgave her because of the state she was in but she never forgave herself. After xmas, she cleaned up very well. Went without drink for 8 months. I thought she was in the clear so we never talked about it. I was proud of her but never told her. I wish I had but I was always afraid that it would bring back memories or feelings and cause her to be depressed again. Then, recently she had a relapse. She told me that she hadnt talked about her problem to anyone in the last 8 months and it just caught up with her. I've never seen it this bad. She began to scare me with the amount of wine bottles she had hidden in shelves, closets, crawl spaces, etc. She would continue to drink despite lying half sprawled on the toilet throwing up and crying. And I resented her for the constant lying in order to leave me out of the problem. I offered my help and she would refuse, and continue to drink behind my back and lie about it. She would invite me over after having drinks and she would beg me to stay with her and have sex with her. I was never turned on when she was in that state so she always became insecure about her body. I told her that I wasn't aroused because of the state she was in and she would only get more depressed about her problem and start hating herself. This isn't the same girl I met a year ago. I have no idea what shes going through so I can't be angry with her. I picked her up from the A&E last night after another bender on her own and she begged the doctors to release her so she could come home with me. It scared me the way she clung to me like as if I had all the answers and she would be ok once we got back to my place. I told her to call her parents to let them know where she was. She used my phone and began speaking into it that she was at my place now and will stay the night. I checked the call history and no call was made. I handed the phone back to her and told her I'm not going to put up with that and to call them for real. She texted them instead. The next morning she was sleeping at my side. I got up to get a glass of water when I noticed my housemates vodka had been opened with half the bottle gone. She came downstairs and I told her that I cant put up with this. I told her that her parents obviously do a better job in keeping an eye on her and that she should be contacting them to pick her up form the A&E. I told her that I still wanted to help her but that i cant offer her the support she needs. She's going to try and book herself into rehab tonight but they are all full and wont take her.
Was I being too hard on her? I want her to fight this but it seems like every time I go soft on her she takes advantage of the situation and drinks. I know she needs all the support she can get, but where do i draw the line? I want to leave her knowing that she will be ok. I won't leave until I know that. We've broken up romantically since the relapse because I thought she might need a friend more than she needed a sex-friend. Should I stay with her even though I'm not attracted to her anymore? Is that the help she needs? Or do i need to be more tough with her?
I've never had to deal with anything serious that involved myself, family or friends until last year. I've put in as much detail as possible so that someone may relate to this and offer me some advice. This is all new to me and it's very hard to take in when it involves somone close to me. I would appreciate any feedback or advice:
I started dating this girl and we got along great. It was never really love but more like really close friends who cared for each other deeply. We knew from the start that our relationship was never going to last, romantically. I'm from another country and plan on returning next year. I would never settle in her country and she told me she'd never settle in mine. We're both homegrown from small towns.
Anyways, about 2 months in she revealed to me that she had a problem with alcohol. She used to be a big drinker but decided the previous year that she would slow her drinking habits down. Well, she was never able to control that. She would sometimes have a drink and be on the verge of blacking out on the 2nd. I had to carry her home through throngs of people in the pub while they just stared or laughed. It began to get worse where her parents would be so strict about her staying out late, despite being 28 yrs old, that she would come out with me and sneak a few drinks despite my concern. I always ended up taking care of her and watching her to make sure she doesnt drink anymore (which included all night watches sometimes). Dont get me wrong, the parents were great support. I was envious of the support she received. But they were very strict at the same time for obvious reasons.
She seeked help at this stage. The doctor just told her "you should be sitting in my seat" on account of her being able to admit her problem and knowing what shes doing to herself and loved ones. She's never been diagnosed with anything, not even alcoholism! The doctors and therapists just humm and haww without offering any advice, other than just trying to boost her confidence, unsuccessfully. She went to an AA meeting and when she told her story, everyone was so perplexed at how a perfectly good girl with perfectly good family, job, friends, life and health would attend an AA meeting. They began to question why she was there, and started comparing their tragic stories to hers. She felt so ashamed being there that she didnt go back and refuses to do so.
Then the lying, hiding, and cheating began. She would sneak bottles in her purse, lie about it when i confronted her and she even cheated on me. I forgave her because of the state she was in but she never forgave herself. After xmas, she cleaned up very well. Went without drink for 8 months. I thought she was in the clear so we never talked about it. I was proud of her but never told her. I wish I had but I was always afraid that it would bring back memories or feelings and cause her to be depressed again. Then, recently she had a relapse. She told me that she hadnt talked about her problem to anyone in the last 8 months and it just caught up with her. I've never seen it this bad. She began to scare me with the amount of wine bottles she had hidden in shelves, closets, crawl spaces, etc. She would continue to drink despite lying half sprawled on the toilet throwing up and crying. And I resented her for the constant lying in order to leave me out of the problem. I offered my help and she would refuse, and continue to drink behind my back and lie about it. She would invite me over after having drinks and she would beg me to stay with her and have sex with her. I was never turned on when she was in that state so she always became insecure about her body. I told her that I wasn't aroused because of the state she was in and she would only get more depressed about her problem and start hating herself. This isn't the same girl I met a year ago. I have no idea what shes going through so I can't be angry with her. I picked her up from the A&E last night after another bender on her own and she begged the doctors to release her so she could come home with me. It scared me the way she clung to me like as if I had all the answers and she would be ok once we got back to my place. I told her to call her parents to let them know where she was. She used my phone and began speaking into it that she was at my place now and will stay the night. I checked the call history and no call was made. I handed the phone back to her and told her I'm not going to put up with that and to call them for real. She texted them instead. The next morning she was sleeping at my side. I got up to get a glass of water when I noticed my housemates vodka had been opened with half the bottle gone. She came downstairs and I told her that I cant put up with this. I told her that her parents obviously do a better job in keeping an eye on her and that she should be contacting them to pick her up form the A&E. I told her that I still wanted to help her but that i cant offer her the support she needs. She's going to try and book herself into rehab tonight but they are all full and wont take her.
Was I being too hard on her? I want her to fight this but it seems like every time I go soft on her she takes advantage of the situation and drinks. I know she needs all the support she can get, but where do i draw the line? I want to leave her knowing that she will be ok. I won't leave until I know that. We've broken up romantically since the relapse because I thought she might need a friend more than she needed a sex-friend. Should I stay with her even though I'm not attracted to her anymore? Is that the help she needs? Or do i need to be more tough with her?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR... Im sorry for what your going through... but glad you found us.
Im just going to take bits here and there and see if I can help.
I have no doubt she was ashamed but I highly doubt other people were perplexed. Alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer and the people sitting in AA know that better than anyone. Because its a disease and physcial the social standing of the person makes no difference whatsoevery... She told you this right? This was her perception not the reality of what really was.
Unfortunally it is also a progressive disease and there is not one thing you can do about it. You and her Parents are enabling her to keep drinking... she always has a safe place to fall too and someone to catch her. This will get much worse unless she decides she has a problem and gets some recovery.
I might suggest you look at some Al-anon meetings or counceling that understands addiction. This is not your job, she is an adult and why are you living your life based around a women that you are not attached too and have so little time invested in. I know for me I LOVE to rescue people... nothing makes me happier then to save someone.... But of course Im very codependant and this behavior has kept me in unhealty relationships for over 20 years.
Keep posting and reading... I look forward to getting to know you.
Im just going to take bits here and there and see if I can help.
She went to an AA meeting and when she told her story, everyone was so perplexed at how a perfectly good girl with perfectly good family, job, friends, life and health would attend an AA meeting. They began to question why she was there, and started comparing their tragic stories to hers. She felt so ashamed being there that she didnt go back and refuses to do so.
Then the lying, hiding, and cheating began. She would sneak bottles in her purse, lie about it when i confronted her and she even cheated on me.
I want to leave her knowing that she will be ok. I won't leave until I know that. We've broken up romantically since the relapse because I thought she might need a friend more than she needed a sex-friend. Should I stay with her even though I'm not attracted to her anymore? Is that the help she needs? Or do i need to be more tough with her?
Keep posting and reading... I look forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Welcome to SR etienbjel.
I read your post and had so much I wanted to say, but I don't want to overwhelm you more than you already are feeling.
I know that when I first came to SR, I didn't really know my way around the forum and didn't know what "Stickies" were or "Power Posts". But I highly recommend you read them. They are at the top of the forum when you first come into the Family & Friends Forum.
I have posted a link I hope you click on. This is just one of the "stickies" that I think you'd really benefit from reading.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
I hope you keep posting and stick around.
I read your post and had so much I wanted to say, but I don't want to overwhelm you more than you already are feeling.
I know that when I first came to SR, I didn't really know my way around the forum and didn't know what "Stickies" were or "Power Posts". But I highly recommend you read them. They are at the top of the forum when you first come into the Family & Friends Forum.
I have posted a link I hope you click on. This is just one of the "stickies" that I think you'd really benefit from reading.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
I hope you keep posting and stick around.
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