Learning about me without expectations
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
Learning about me without expectations
Okay, I know I can use the steps and principles, slogans of al anon. I just need encouragement.
Last night, my A stopped by. He moved out about 4 weeks ago.
he is living in a recovery house, has one and a half years of sobriety. He has been really sick. Some respiratory thing. He is wheezing badly. Anyway, he was going to an AA meeting, but couldn't make it. Stopped by my house I guess, to get encouragement. He said he really missed me last weekend because he felt so bad. Said no one there would do anything for him. Then he started talking about loving me and missing our life. If he moved out of the recovery house and got his own apartment, our relationship would be over. He doesn't want to get his own apartment yet.
This is new, prior to last night, he had been saying he hasn't missed our relationship. Heck, our seperation is still new. We have been married 3 and 1/2 years.
It sounds like he was feeling pretty sorry for himself. Poor baby.
Sounds very self centered.
I was doing good, until he stopped by last night. Trying to get myself on track. Work on me. Now it has all jumped back to what he wants. Why can't I worry about what I want? I hate all this. I don't know what I want. I harldy know who I am.
My job is not to get expectations. To remember how it was before he moved out. To not create fantasies. Mostly, to be my own person whether he is here or not.
Last night, my A stopped by. He moved out about 4 weeks ago.
he is living in a recovery house, has one and a half years of sobriety. He has been really sick. Some respiratory thing. He is wheezing badly. Anyway, he was going to an AA meeting, but couldn't make it. Stopped by my house I guess, to get encouragement. He said he really missed me last weekend because he felt so bad. Said no one there would do anything for him. Then he started talking about loving me and missing our life. If he moved out of the recovery house and got his own apartment, our relationship would be over. He doesn't want to get his own apartment yet.
This is new, prior to last night, he had been saying he hasn't missed our relationship. Heck, our seperation is still new. We have been married 3 and 1/2 years.
It sounds like he was feeling pretty sorry for himself. Poor baby.
Sounds very self centered.
I was doing good, until he stopped by last night. Trying to get myself on track. Work on me. Now it has all jumped back to what he wants. Why can't I worry about what I want? I hate all this. I don't know what I want. I harldy know who I am.
My job is not to get expectations. To remember how it was before he moved out. To not create fantasies. Mostly, to be my own person whether he is here or not.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
antreeta
Sound like you need more time to really know how you feel, and there is nothing wrong with taking your time.
What you want matters here - it is your life and your program to work however you want.
If he has been talking one way at one time and another later, than he probably doesn't know what he wants either...he just knows what he wants NOW.
If the relationship is healthy, time and space will help you both heal and make it even better. And it isn't healthy, all the time in the world won't fix it.
Just keep looking after yourself and acknowledging your own needs, and when you are ready, the answer will come.
Sound like you need more time to really know how you feel, and there is nothing wrong with taking your time.
What you want matters here - it is your life and your program to work however you want.
If he has been talking one way at one time and another later, than he probably doesn't know what he wants either...he just knows what he wants NOW.
If the relationship is healthy, time and space will help you both heal and make it even better. And it isn't healthy, all the time in the world won't fix it.
Just keep looking after yourself and acknowledging your own needs, and when you are ready, the answer will come.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Oh antreeta
What a telling phrase you used.
"Sometimes I act like there is only one person in the relationship...and it isn't me."
I did this with my mother growing up, and I did it with my ex-alcoholic husband in most of the time we were together.
Sticking up for myself is something that I have just recently become comfortable with. But the more I try those emotional clothes on, the better they fit.
Sometimes I think that those of us who are good at "caretaking" would be a lot better off taking care of ourselves. Why not turn all that love and nurturing inward, instead of outward to someone who can't return the favor?
Peace,
Gabe
"Sometimes I act like there is only one person in the relationship...and it isn't me."
I did this with my mother growing up, and I did it with my ex-alcoholic husband in most of the time we were together.
Sticking up for myself is something that I have just recently become comfortable with. But the more I try those emotional clothes on, the better they fit.
Sometimes I think that those of us who are good at "caretaking" would be a lot better off taking care of ourselves. Why not turn all that love and nurturing inward, instead of outward to someone who can't return the favor?
Peace,
Gabe
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