kermit

My Ah has not called yet, which I find frightining. He always gets back to me when the kids need him. I left him the message that his sons is having a hard time with the loss of his dog, still nothing. Do I just sit and wait it out? Or should I go over there? I'm affraid.Affraid of what I will find. Maybe this what he wants. I have no idea anymore. everytime I think we make headway it seems to fall all apart again. I have yet to know what is going on in my own life.
what I do know is that I have a great job and I work with wounderful people(even a A that is working her program) I love her,I have medical,dental and vision for me and the kids, and life insurance. My salary is okay, the bonus structure is good, I can make up to a xtra 4K a month. If i can do that We will be okay.
Sorry I'm just in a mood, trying to convince myself I guess.

StandingStrong

Would you be going over there to check up on him? Enable him? Or control him into doing as you think he should (Such as getting with your son about the loss of his dog?) or are you looking for an excuse for contact?

I've had to really evaluate honestly the reasons that I contact AH when I do. Sometimes the answer I find tells me how I should react to a situation.

kermit

Good question, I don't want to see him, but he has been talking crazy lately(depression ect) I'm afraid that he may do something to himself. At this poit I hope he is just on a binge,(not relly but you get it right?)When it comes to his sons he always returns the call OR he calls them derectly.

Pick-a-name

Do you think he is might be in physical danger,or worse...that is the feeling I got from your post but might be wrong (we had a problem like that with my cousin). Do you know anyone who lives near him that could check in on him,just to be safe (without putting you into the mix)? I worry about this sometime.

I have trouble in the detatchment process some times so maybe I am giving so bad advice...

(((kermit)))

Cynay

If you really think he could have hurt himself call the police.

Personally I would not do anything for this issue.... If you son were in the hospital or something then I might take action but this is him not taking care of responsibility in contacting his son... did the message you left tell him what it was about... if he is on a binge maybe he just does not want to contact anyone yet.

My experience is that my ex became less and less a part of her life as time went by .... I was really suprised/hurt by this but you cant force him to do what you think he should....

kermit

Thanks, I'm not sure is the problem. I'm still having a hard time figuring out when he is pulling my leg... Sometimes I think I over react to what he tells me. I do not know what or if I should believe anything. I had gotten the feeling from him that he might do something crazy. He asked "if anything happens to me do you think Wajdi (my neighbor) would take care of you guys.So i'm not sure what to think

kermit

I think I'm going to drive by tonight and see if his lights are on. I relly don't have anyone to go over there.I'm okay with the thought that he is not owning up, but I feel funny inside. I keep thinking has he done this befor? Yes, but never when I have called about the kids. I had also asked him if he wanted our 4yr old during the day because he is not working.He said he would love it. But I can't seem to reach him.

Pick-a-name

Kermit: You know him best. This is for your own peace of mind. If it was me, I think I would drive by,too (only because it is out of character involving the kids.)

Probably he is just doing his thing, but any doubts, call the police have have them go check,if you feel it is necessary.

Cynay

Ok... I dont want to sound like a busy body but............

If he is currently drinking and is home during the day.... Do you think it matters if he has the 4 year old that he will not drink?

I was just questioning how much troublea 4 year old can get into.... mine could get into alot and trouble and Alcohol dont mix well

kermit

I have no idea what to believe anymore

mfisher

Hmmmmm this is tricky cause you know him best. I had that feeling many times, I went and checked and found him to be extremely intoxicated which in turn made me feel like a total idiot for worrying. But I know exactly how you feel.
You can't make them care, you and the kids are probably not his #1 priority right now. If you really feel he is some type of danger then do what you have to do. Every once in awhile we have to pull that "I am a caring human being" rabbit out of our hat. Good luck to you, It is a very scary place to be.

mazey

Oh, Kermit, that is perplexing. How do you know what to do? Does he not have any family to chek on him? Weird response to his usual attendance to your kids, huh? BUT, if they are drinking nothing really "hits" them, or he may be acknowlegding he can't do anything about it, right now....

kermit

Mazey, he has no family, his mom & dad are no longer with us, his brother is is Az he has tried to reach him but can't. My ah only has (had) me and my family. I think I decided to just wait it out, and try not to worrie. But what if I don't check on him? and......well never mind all I can do Is leave it up to my HP.

mallowcup

If we can make it complicated enough the obvious won't hurt so much. Your phone isn't ringing. You can sit and stare at the phone and imagine all the reason he isn't calling. The phone isn't ringing. His children need a strong father, not to be reminded that the phone is silent. While your children mourn, your worries are yanked back to a phone that doesn't ring and a man who picks a drink over you every single time. I'd keep it clear and see the truth. Even the death of your dog has now become about HIM.

deax

kermit I don't have anything really useful to say, just wanted to say that I also understand how hard this is for you. These are the hard parts.

Not worrying about the well-being of someone you love is... a paradox to me. Especially in situations when the person doesn't have many other people in his life. But I've begun to try and view not worrying as a way to practice strengthening my faith... if that helps any.

Anyway I hope this situation passes and resolves itself quickly for you.

Cynay

Kermit.....

Just checking in to see how you are.

sadface

Kermit what you are feeling we have all felt. Regarding your children, your reaction is affecting them. I now understand (1 1/2 yrs after seperation) all my crying, worrying, asking about AH, etc.. was affecting my son. A few weeks ago, I found out the truth my AH was living with OW. My son knew this. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. How hard it must have been for him to keep the truth from me, and to see me the way I was. I hugged my son and kissed him. I told him I understood why he did it and I was not angry. And that I loved him. He responded by hugging me and kissing me. I feel son has some peace now about the situation. I am not critizing you in anyway. I understand what you are feeling, but please let's think of our children. I know it is easier said then done, but it is important. One day at a time.

denny57

I don't have children, but I am friends with many people who are adult children of alcoholics. I only need to hear their stories to see how it has affected their lives, into their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond.

You can stop the chaos, kermit. Let him live his life.

((()))

guyinNC

Hi Kermit,

I struggle with the same thing. My wife is still off with her drunk rehab lover. No word from her to her family, kids, her parents....nobody.

At times, I want to call her, send photos of the kids.....try and guilt her back into contacting the kids.

But I have come to realize, she is doing us all a favor. By staying away she is not bringing chaos, drama, embarrassment into my and the kids lives. So I'm leaving the addict alone.

I still worry about her, and I will never understand her actions. But I will no longer try to control her, enable her.......or pretend I am still her protector or guardian. She made her choice......her fate is up tp herself and God.

I still have moments though......when I look at the phone and wish.

Pick-a-name

kermit........is it his physical safety that is your concern (this is what I assumed) and what I think it is a grey area here. That would concern me. (The other is just a "hands-off" IMHO)

How's it going today,Kermie?