amber98

Everyone around claims how strong and independent I am. It's all a front. I'm not strong! Actually, I'm stupid and pathetic to let something like this happen to me. My ex is playing me BIG TIME!!! Whether he is sick or not, he's trying to reel me back into is life, and he's doing a mighty good job at it. It's a "catch-22". If I don’t' seem to care and act as if he's not sick then I'm the cold, heartless b*tch he claims I am. On the other hand, if I fall for it, then I'm the stupid, foolish, co-dependent sucker I have always been.

I'm so weak and pathetic to let someone come into my life and pretend he was something that he is not! It's all smoke and mirrors! The man I fell in love with is just an image of my imagination...he doesn't assist. I have read so many posts on this blog and we all have the same common denominator, and that is we gave our heart, soul and mind to an alcoholic. We are left here on this blog trying to figure out what we did wrong, or what we could have done to make it right. Why are we the victims of this whole mess? I know each and everyone of us deserve something better than sitting on this blog trying to figure out how to take the next breath, the next step in our lives. My ex is trying to drag me down by proclaiming he is ill and dying. Maybe I'll go to HELL for thinking it's all a lie, but I like to think God will forgive me for not believing in him. My ex has stolen from me, cheated on me, lied to me, physically put his hands on me. Do you really think at this time I really care if the B*STARD is sick? NOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I have no sympathy for alcoholics. My aunt is an alcoholic and I've seen her destroy her family in order to get her next fix. The woman fell down a flight a stairs (from a drunken comatose) and was in a coma for weeks. The woman to this day is still drinking. I saw the heartache and pain she put her family through, especially my father. All I want is to get on with my life. Do I want another man? NO!!! I told my parents this evening that it would take a very, very special man to put up with me. I don’t trust anyone, especially a man right now. I think I rather be alone with my dog , Max than have to deal with the what-if’s in a new relationship.

denny57

Everyone one of us could be dying every day. I hope that I will be surrounded by those I love and have shown love during that time.

Where is the love in that?

You are not a victim, you were his target - you helped support his habit. Once I figured that out for myself, I no longer considered myself stupid, pathetic or a cold heartless bit**. I consider myself a loving human being who is learning it's healthy to put myself first and give and receive love that is honest and good.

I hope today is better for you.

Pick-a-name

(((amber98 )))

Good vent! Have had that same conversation with myself many times....that is why I am here!

Denny gave great advice: following it is not as easy as it seems it should be, but it is a process. (I have been stuck in the mire badly for a few days myself). I come here for help to get myself out of it so I can get to higher ground.

You are not alone..........thanks for posting this and reminding me that I am not alone in thinking and feeling this way, either. Glad you are here and hope today is better day.

mazey

WE got caught up in a situation we thought would be okay....I was glad to hear a lil' anger in your post. I wish I could be more angry....it would make me stronger and I think less sad. Yesterday, he came for some more belongings and made ruts and tore up grass in the back yard w/ his truck, what the heck he was doing driving around back there I don't know, think he was leaving his mark! He's angry! that I followed thru this time, why can't I get angry?

mfisher

We are human, it is in my nature to love and care about people. I use to look at myself as a pathetic idiot, but once I got out of the relationship and moved on, I realized I could still be a loving human being and there are plenty of people out there who appreciate me for who I am.
I try to keep my "sick" ex ah quarantined from my life. Every once and awhile he will ooze in and I just hit him with a dose of my recovery and support from SR and life goes on.

Cynay

I have to agree.... you definately got out alot of emotion in the post... I too hope you feel better and have a better day today.

I have gotten that angry before.... My Mother was the first Alcoholic in my life and I got stuck in that anger for 10 years so I know how you feel.

First .. though I know you feel like it now......

Please dont do this to yourself.... You are not weak or pathetic. How does it have anything to do with you if another person pretends he is something that he is not. I dont know about you but my crystal ball is broken, I have no way to tell in the future how someone will treat me. What I can do is learn the red flags and pay attention to them.


Remember this is only my opinion...... but this sounds like very codependant behavior to me. Dont take me wrong I do it all the time, give my heart, mind and soul away. What I found true for me is the reason I get so hurt is because I should not have given this too them in the first place... Share my heart ... sure.... but Mind and Soul.... not.... my mistake and of course an A will take advantage, heck they need codies to continue there addictions and keep things going.

Most of the time when Im so angry ... it cuz Im angry with myself, I did everything under the moon after my breakup with my ex-abf to "get on with my life" but since then I have discovered that the same thing will happen over and over (not only in SO relationships) until I change how I think and respond.

I know its hard, Im not there yet but I can clearly see the road now so... Progress not perfection.

Tally

You're not stupid....you're human. And he's only claiming that you're cold hearted because if you're acting like he isn't sick and like you don't care then he think's he's losing control and losing his comfort zone and will say anything to drag you back in.

I actually am starting to find it quite amusing when he starts. I switch off now and I get the "you're so cold" line quite alot, but it makes me laugh.
Once you see the pattern you can predict what they'll say next and it amuses me.

I'm coming around to thinking I'd rather be the "cold hearted selfish b***h" than the codie sucker....but that's just me. I'm not actually the cold hearted selfish B yet, but I sure do wish I was!!

jlo34

The only person that makes you a victim.....IS YOU. Stop BEING a victim. That's when recovery will begin for you.

Jen

best

They say that love is blind. Your not alone and you are not stupid.

What he says is not truth.
Doing what you need to do for setting boudries and taking care of what needs be taken care of is not selfish and uncaring. Doing what is right takes more care and sitting about doing nothing at all would be more in line with not caring.

You are beating yourself up over the fact that you are a loving and caring person. Such a person is never stupid.

MySecret

boy doesnt that ring true!!!

and im with you ont he not wanting another man front, hed have to be prince charming, I just want a nice little place of my own I dont have to clear up after someone and worry abotu them 24/7, I just want some peace in my life, sound slike we all want something that seem so simple youd think

Clutch B

I'm seeing that now in my boyfriend. It's like his "good side" peeps out every now and then to give hope that he's still the guy I fell in love with. Then his "bad side" comes out and destroys all hope.

It really sucks.

Hugs, girl ...

By the way -- you're not stupid! Alcoholism makes a mess of millions of people's lives all over the world every day. I swear you're not the first or the last.

JessicaNAJ

I agree with every single one of these posts. Rather than repeat what has been said...I will strongly reitterate that you are NOT STUPID. Because if you were, you wouldn't be smart enough to figure out that you have made some bad choices and you wouldn't be smart enough to seek help and post here.

Life is a learning exerience....you have learned and you will learn something new each and every single day. It's what you make of your knew knowledge that will make you very very smart!!! That is why the elderly are so wise...they've lived and learned a lot.