AH leaving
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
AH leaving
I asked my common law husb to leave -- he isn't taking it well, despite telling me how 'impossible, difficult and controlling' that I am.
I'm working hard to stay strong and to stay committed to my decision. I have a daughter who doesn't need to witness any more rocky arguments.
He's really making this difficult - and says he can't believe that I could just throw this away - which hurts - because it means more to me than that, but I just can't live like this anymore, and it's clear that he doesn't feel as though he should bear any responsibility for what brought us here.
Just needed to get that out, in a place where it's safe and where others understand. Thanks for listening.
Rowan
I'm working hard to stay strong and to stay committed to my decision. I have a daughter who doesn't need to witness any more rocky arguments.
He's really making this difficult - and says he can't believe that I could just throw this away - which hurts - because it means more to me than that, but I just can't live like this anymore, and it's clear that he doesn't feel as though he should bear any responsibility for what brought us here.
Just needed to get that out, in a place where it's safe and where others understand. Thanks for listening.
Rowan
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Webster, tx.
Posts: 6
Rowan
I'm going thru much the same. My husband is out of the house. I've told him he cannot come back. He is an heavy drinker & 4 nights ago I found him caught him in a huge lie. He became inraged & violent with me in front of my 16yr old daugter. I had to call the police. He goes to court in the AM. I feel heartbroken over the whole thing. When he not drinking he's a very loving person. I don't want to see him in jail & loose his job. I've spoken with him & he still feels he's the one getting screwed. I know that he has gotten more aggressive in our relationship. Part of me wants to believe my marraige can work with sobrity & conseling but the other part of me feels its not worth going back into. I have 2 close friends whose very loving alcoholic husbands have tried to kill them. I don't want to feel all these mixed up feelings anymore. I'm joining a 12 step group.
Stick to it & don't let him guilt trip u back.
I'm going thru much the same. My husband is out of the house. I've told him he cannot come back. He is an heavy drinker & 4 nights ago I found him caught him in a huge lie. He became inraged & violent with me in front of my 16yr old daugter. I had to call the police. He goes to court in the AM. I feel heartbroken over the whole thing. When he not drinking he's a very loving person. I don't want to see him in jail & loose his job. I've spoken with him & he still feels he's the one getting screwed. I know that he has gotten more aggressive in our relationship. Part of me wants to believe my marraige can work with sobrity & conseling but the other part of me feels its not worth going back into. I have 2 close friends whose very loving alcoholic husbands have tried to kill them. I don't want to feel all these mixed up feelings anymore. I'm joining a 12 step group.
Stick to it & don't let him guilt trip u back.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
I was going to post a thread tonight about 'why do they blame us'? And, I am sure somewhere here someone has posted it before! Mine said 'you give me no choice' and I said I have given him nothing but choices all these years! But, he didn't get it, hear me,or choose to make any other choice.
I think when we make this final decision they just can't believe we actually did! It's so tough, still hurting, missing my dreams, and thinking about the good times....
I think when we make this final decision they just can't believe we actually did! It's so tough, still hurting, missing my dreams, and thinking about the good times....
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
It's comforting to know that others have had similar experiences - and that I'm not alone, and not 'defective' as I have been led to believe.
And to Mess, I know it's hard to call the police but please follow through and don't recant the evidence. You said it yourself, 'don't let him guilt trip you back'
So glad you're going to a 12-step meeting - I don't know what I would do without AA, and now, Al-Anon. Going to my second Al-Anon meeting tonight.
Love Rowan
And to Mess, I know it's hard to call the police but please follow through and don't recant the evidence. You said it yourself, 'don't let him guilt trip you back'
So glad you're going to a 12-step meeting - I don't know what I would do without AA, and now, Al-Anon. Going to my second Al-Anon meeting tonight.
Love Rowan
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by Rowan
It's comforting to know that others have had similar experiences - and that I'm not alone, and not 'defective' as I have been led to believe.
(((Rowan))...I know the feeling...just posted about it yesterday myself (been in a bad funk for a few days) but you know the truth. It is just so much easier to see and accept in other peoples' situations without the emotions to get in the way.
You did right and of course, his actions are what lead to his consequences.
Hope you are feeling better today! hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I wonder.....
If that is how he feels ... how sick is he that he wants to continue a relationship with someone that is sooooo messed up. HA
You could try a different approach, There have been a couple relationships that I have been in that could probably have been saved if I could have taken the time out to work on myself and they would also work on theirself before we tried theraphy together.
Maybe acknowledge that yes, you just might have these and other issues and because you dont want to keep doing this you need the time to work on these issues alone.
Im in a weird mood ... so take what you like.............
he isn't taking it well, despite telling me how 'impossible, difficult and controlling' that I am.
You could try a different approach, There have been a couple relationships that I have been in that could probably have been saved if I could have taken the time out to work on myself and they would also work on theirself before we tried theraphy together.
Maybe acknowledge that yes, you just might have these and other issues and because you dont want to keep doing this you need the time to work on these issues alone.
Im in a weird mood ... so take what you like.............
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Cynay,
I agree with what you said - I suggested he might want to look at himself and maybe reattend Al-Anon - his response? 'My work is done' (he's 15 yrs sober). I have actively sought to improve myself through meetings, counselling, literature, time with my sponsor, and now Al-Anon. He had suggested a 'couples weekend' some time back with a guy who specializes in addictions and relationships but I'm of the sentiment also that I'm willing to work on me right now - I recognize that it's not necessarily the 'we' that is the problem, but more likely the equation of he and I added together.
I certainly have admitted to my faults and wrongdoing,but he simply will not accept that he has done anything wrong. IF ONLY he would say that he would do anything to make it work, he would go to counselling, anger management,etc, but it's all anger and profanity; what does he expect?
My stomach is in knots he won't contribute to the mortgage until I prepare receipts for him saying he's contributed for the past 3 months - I told him that when he leaves he'll get the receipts - he just needs them as write-offs for tax time next year anyway. I'm holding back because he made noise about a lawyer a couple of days ago. WHY WHY WHY ??
I'm just so glad I'm going to a meeting tonight - I keep asking God for help with this, for strength to see this through but it hurts so bad and I keep doubting myself. ACK
I agree with what you said - I suggested he might want to look at himself and maybe reattend Al-Anon - his response? 'My work is done' (he's 15 yrs sober). I have actively sought to improve myself through meetings, counselling, literature, time with my sponsor, and now Al-Anon. He had suggested a 'couples weekend' some time back with a guy who specializes in addictions and relationships but I'm of the sentiment also that I'm willing to work on me right now - I recognize that it's not necessarily the 'we' that is the problem, but more likely the equation of he and I added together.
I certainly have admitted to my faults and wrongdoing,but he simply will not accept that he has done anything wrong. IF ONLY he would say that he would do anything to make it work, he would go to counselling, anger management,etc, but it's all anger and profanity; what does he expect?
My stomach is in knots he won't contribute to the mortgage until I prepare receipts for him saying he's contributed for the past 3 months - I told him that when he leaves he'll get the receipts - he just needs them as write-offs for tax time next year anyway. I'm holding back because he made noise about a lawyer a couple of days ago. WHY WHY WHY ??
I'm just so glad I'm going to a meeting tonight - I keep asking God for help with this, for strength to see this through but it hurts so bad and I keep doubting myself. ACK
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 70
Rowan, I know where your coming from my SO chose to leave our relationship over getting help. it seems to to the same stock anwser from them in that you are controlling and difficult and its me thats not trying.. When she refuded to take any responsabity for anything... Just my vent! good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Suddenly my AH has turned 'nice' and 'apologetic' and says he only wants what is best for me and my daughter. This got me feeling all sad and weepy.
I liked it better when he was being a jerk - that made me feel like I was doing the right thing and now I'm doubting myself all over again - is this manipulative behaviour or am I finally losing my mind?
Soooo confused (but not changing my mind)
I liked it better when he was being a jerk - that made me feel like I was doing the right thing and now I'm doubting myself all over again - is this manipulative behaviour or am I finally losing my mind?
Soooo confused (but not changing my mind)
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Grin! When mine was being so awful to me, I was almost glad cuz it made the ending easier. It hurt, but I could see clearly why it was happening. Then, when he has been nicer on his messages(quiet and ?cooperative) I get sad! We do respond to nice.....we need nice......but only moments of nice? Remember it all! I want to put a note on my frig of the 'Die you .....' so I can clearly remember.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Probably yes he is trying his hardest not to loose his Codi.....
Play the entire tape through hon..... Im sure he has done this before, had a fit, mean awful etc.... then nicey nicey.... then ..............................
Probably when you came around and he had his balance back... same old behavior that made you want out in the first place. Nothing changes unless something changes.... Has he done anything to change? Theraphy? Anything? If not then that other person is right under the nice skin just waiting for you to take the bait.
Play the entire tape through hon..... Im sure he has done this before, had a fit, mean awful etc.... then nicey nicey.... then ..............................
Probably when you came around and he had his balance back... same old behavior that made you want out in the first place. Nothing changes unless something changes.... Has he done anything to change? Theraphy? Anything? If not then that other person is right under the nice skin just waiting for you to take the bait.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Webster, tx.
Posts: 6
Thanks to u all,
It's been a tough week. My AH finally turned himself in & was bonded out. He is staying in a motel too close by. Of course he has played on my sympathy, guilt, dreams, fears, rescuing, fantasies. I was in a terrible state of complete confusion with small glimpses of clearity. I called the DA & asked them to go easy on him. I didn't want him in jail, loose his job, blah blah blah. THey told me I could do nothing it was all in the judges hands. I even told his bro. I'd help bail him out. I went to the court house with many mixed emotions to speak to a case worker about dropping the protective order so it might help his case. As I spoke to this angel sent by God I discovered that I was trying to protect the wrong person. I gave her the same statement that I gave the cops & told her I wanted to keep the protective order. She asked what I would like to see come out of his hearing & told her I want him to have to get counseling. She was very informative about the cycle of abuse. I could easily see that all he was doing was trying to get back on the gravytrain & next time he twist off it would be worse. I also found out that with his ex he had been put in jail 6mo. for domestic assault. He is pissed off that I didn't drop the protective order. He says I'm making to big of a deal about it. He doesn't understand why I'm punishing him when all he wants to do is spend his life with me in love. I explained to him that when a dog bites u once u wonder why but when he bite u again hes got to go. then of course he can't believe I'm compairing him to a dog. So to put the image I have in my head out there. "so I'm at home in a wheelchair shitting on myself & your at the local bar all night(day)crying to all your favorite bar flies how much u love me!"
crazy but its true. I've been getting stronger the more I understand that I came from an abusive family & thats all I'm going to relive until I deal with my emotions & grow past the past. good luck to u in the same fix. It's increadibly heartwrenching. You are in my prayers.
It's been a tough week. My AH finally turned himself in & was bonded out. He is staying in a motel too close by. Of course he has played on my sympathy, guilt, dreams, fears, rescuing, fantasies. I was in a terrible state of complete confusion with small glimpses of clearity. I called the DA & asked them to go easy on him. I didn't want him in jail, loose his job, blah blah blah. THey told me I could do nothing it was all in the judges hands. I even told his bro. I'd help bail him out. I went to the court house with many mixed emotions to speak to a case worker about dropping the protective order so it might help his case. As I spoke to this angel sent by God I discovered that I was trying to protect the wrong person. I gave her the same statement that I gave the cops & told her I wanted to keep the protective order. She asked what I would like to see come out of his hearing & told her I want him to have to get counseling. She was very informative about the cycle of abuse. I could easily see that all he was doing was trying to get back on the gravytrain & next time he twist off it would be worse. I also found out that with his ex he had been put in jail 6mo. for domestic assault. He is pissed off that I didn't drop the protective order. He says I'm making to big of a deal about it. He doesn't understand why I'm punishing him when all he wants to do is spend his life with me in love. I explained to him that when a dog bites u once u wonder why but when he bite u again hes got to go. then of course he can't believe I'm compairing him to a dog. So to put the image I have in my head out there. "so I'm at home in a wheelchair shitting on myself & your at the local bar all night(day)crying to all your favorite bar flies how much u love me!"
crazy but its true. I've been getting stronger the more I understand that I came from an abusive family & thats all I'm going to relive until I deal with my emotions & grow past the past. good luck to u in the same fix. It's increadibly heartwrenching. You are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
It's OK to expect something. We have a tendency to only remember what we say instead of what we hear. It has occurred to me that I heard vows. Common law marriage shold include the committment of TWO people. My mother-in-law has dementia. She can no longer live alone. Her beau never married her but now he seems to think he has input into her financial business and in the dispursement of her belongings. This man you are with never married you. He has no say. He took from you with the risk that there was no marriage to influence you. Not only do you have a right to ask him to leave, you should. He is no more than a guest whos welcome has worn out.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
cynay: Play the entire tape through hon..... Im sure he has done this before, had a fit, mean awful etc.... then nicey nicey.... then ..............................
thanks for the above...
missy xo
thanks for the above...
missy xo
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
It helps me in many situations.... I sometimes get too caught up in the moment and the words.
Mostly cuz I want to be loved so much that I want to believe them.... when I run the tape though to the end in my head and realize at the end Im not only alone but hurting much more Im less likely to listen to the quacking. Actions not words.
Mostly cuz I want to be loved so much that I want to believe them.... when I run the tape though to the end in my head and realize at the end Im not only alone but hurting much more Im less likely to listen to the quacking. Actions not words.
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