PaperDolls

Well, I couldn't decide what forum to post this in, it sort of touches on a lot of issues. This is a long one ..... sorry folks.

On Saturday, I saw my Pdoc (psychiatrist) for the first time. He suspects I may may be Bipolar. He prescribed me Remeron to take along with my Effexor. He said it should balance me out. We'll try this for a month and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out we'll do something "more drastic." I was afraid to ask what that meant.

I've been having a horrible time concentrating and focusing on anything, especially at work. It's been getting worse and worse and these last 3 or 4 weeks ago I've been worried about my job. I've been able to be very open and honest with my boss about what is going on but I'd sensed that he was getting a little annoyed by my quality of work. He travels a lot so many of our conversations are over the phone. I finally talked with him today and explained to him that I knew my work performance has not been up to par. I told him about the bipolar diagnoses and that we'd try these meds but it just takes time. I told him I didn't want him to think that I didn't give a sh!t because I really do. He was very understanding and is supportive. But I'm not sure how much he really understands about depression or bipolar. I thought about emailing him some info or printing it out and putting it on his desk. I do feel better that I've talked to him but I still beat myself up over my work performance. The fact that things that used to be second nature for me are a struggle really make be feel inadequate even though I know what my problem is (sort of).


I spoke with a counselor over the phone today and got some good tips that I'm going to try and actually use. One is to make lists for myself here at work so that I can be reminded of things I need to do and not forget them. The second one is to use affirmations when I'm feeling worthless or having negative thoughts. I think that will be a struggle because while you're having a negative thought trying to conjure up a positive affirmation about yourself is near impossible. I signed up for daily affirmation emails. If I especially like it, I'll write it out on a note-card and tape it to my desk to remind me of it all day.

So, I'm trying to stay on track. Seeing the doctor, the therapist, taking my meds, being as honest about my feelings and who I am to my gf. We've talked with the counselor together about her jealousy issues. I think we've made some progress but I really feel fed up sometimes. Sometimes I say what people want to hear because I don't want to hurt them. I know I've done that with her and I've finally told her that. My goal is to be completely honest, brutally honest if I have to be. It's not fair to me to worry about others before myself. In the long run, it's not fair to them either. I know all that but it's still difficult to follow you're own advice and sense of reason sometimes. I'm trying to get better about that.

Today was hard for me .... I did so much thinking and I was feeling so stressed out. But because of all of the thinking I did, I feel like I'm in a better place now and things seem more clear right now.

I do still feel like I'm in a rut. Feeling depressed because I'm depressed. If I keep feeling like this all of next week I'm going to call the pdoc again. Being depressed because you're depressed. What the heck are you supposed to do about that!?

Sorry - this is way way long. I haven't really posted in a while and I think it was good when I was doing a daily post. It's good to get this stuff out of my head. If you're still reading, congratulations, you have more patience than I do. If you're just skimming and have no clue what I really said ......you just wanted to know the end of the story......I can relate.

hugs,
doll

Anna

Hi,

First of all, I think it's always good to take some time to just 'think' when you're going through something as stressful as you are.

I think the affirmation thing is a great idea. I have always had a problem with the voice in my head saying negative things and I once read, that for each negative thing 'the little voice' says, you need to say two positive things. And, I know it isn't easy, but it helps.

Another thing that has helped me is a Gratitude Journal. It seems so phoney to sit down at the end of the day and search for 3 things you are grateful for, when you've just had a bad day. But, I think what happens is, if you know you're going to have write 3 things at the end of the day, you start to look for things during the day that you are grateful for. And, then your perception shifts.

I wish you well.

CarolD

I totally agree with Anna!

Huge Hugs Doll!

historyteach

Yes, Anna is right!
And one trick I learned too, is to say "NO" to myself when a negative thought enters my head. Then, as quickly as possible, to say a positive thing.
For example, if I'm thinking, "I hate...."
I say "NO!!" (in my own head, hehehe...don't need others thinking I"m crazy!)
Then, say, "I love G*D," or "Me" or someone whom I love.
It helps me.
I hope it will help you too!

Shalom!

janeeyre

(((PaperDolls)))

I'm glad you posted this--you have lots to deal with right now, huh? I hope your new meds work well.

I am impressed by the work you are doing to take care of yourself. That's so necessary.

I've seen, too, how you help others around SR, and now to hear some of what's going on with you and how you are handling it--well, you're just an all-around inspiring person. :

Take care!
Jane

Smyle

Hey Doll....hang in there...I hope you can get your meds adjusted and work back on track.....big hugs for you ......

~B

BSPGirl

Sometimes it's the meds themselves causing problems with concentration and all that since everybody reacts differently. So try to think back when these problems started and see if another SSRI works, or something, maybe?

I hope everything will be ok do you agree with the diagnosis bipolar?

Marte

c'est la vie

This made me laugh.

On a more serious note, though, I think you are doing a great job of taking charge of your mental and physical health. You're seeing a doctor, you're working with various meds, you've spoken to your boss, you're getting downright honest with your gf, your trying suggestions to boost your self esteem, and you're posting here to maintain friendships. Goodness, doll, you sound really "with it" so pat yourself on the back, fix yourself a cup of tea (or your fave na drink), and read some fun magazine. I know what you mean about taking your own advice, so maybe I should do the same.

I hope that the pdoc can straighten out your meds so that you can begin feeling more level headed, but surely you can feel the improvement in the past year. It's all about improvement so concentrate on that. Of course I wish it was a switch to flip!

OnceNice

PD, being depressed because you are depressed. Oh man. That is a song we all can sing.
Its tough having addiction and depression, I'm with ya sister.
We are here.

PaperDolls

Well, something I didn't mention is the fact that I've been taking the hydrocodone way too much.

I think it's really causing some problems. I take too many because I think they give me energy. I told my pdoc about it. He said I probably THINK they're giving me energy but I'm wrong. It's really been affecting my sleep. I was up until 3:30AM last night and slept until 11:30. Missing work today. I've decided I have to stop taking them. I've got some left in my purse. I can't bring myself to throw them away but I don't plan on taking any today.

I really don't have it all together but I really am trying. Thanks for the replies. I know I always say this but I mean it from the bottom of my heart, it means so much to me to see you reply. I know someone cares. Like a lot of us here, I've got self-esteem issues and it makes me feel good when I see that someone is actually paying attention.

So, for today, no pills.....tomorrow is another day. I'm going to spend my day at home trying to get my sh!t together, eat right, and get to bed at a decent time. Tomorrow will be a clean slate, I hope.

doll

PaperDolls

Marte -- I think I do agree with the diagnoses. I know that the hydro really screwed me up so I've got to stay off of those and let the meds work. I'm willing to give it a month like he said and see what happens. I know I've got to stay off the damn hydros to make this work. I think I mentioned it above but I did tell him the complete truth about the hydro. I was very matter of fact about it and so was he. I actually like the pdoc a lot better than any therapist I've seen. Oh, crap, that reminds me, I've got an appt. tonight with my therapist. I'm not sure I want to deal with that today. I suppose I should just suck it up and go. *sigh*

BSPGirl

Hydrocodone really messes you up, stay off of it and see how your brain chemistry evens itself out. In my experience it might take a while but it'll be fine.

Marte

BuDoc

PD. you never have to appologize for sharing and venting... That's what we are all here for, recovery, support, fellowship and to share in each others experience, strentgth and hope. There is hope, and life can get better. Just hang in there, work with your Doctors and therapists and in time you will be amazed at the changes that will occur in your life...

Hang loose, Doc.

PaperDolls

Therapy went very well tonight. GF and I are getting along very well and NO hydro's today.

Yea me!

Live

Yes, yay for you.

Alot of times those kinds of pdoc meds, not familiar with your new one, but many take weeks to work. The waiting is hard.

Blessings to you and gf!

Arura

Hugs for ya ((PD))...! .. I also get sepressed but i dont likje the med . that come with it...For me they make me worst and what ((Live)) said about waiting , is difficult, also the change from one to another can take take a few months for your body to settle down again...!
I just wanted to say Im With ya Babe...



...

NEEDTOBESOBER

I completely understand about being depressed, I also have that problem which most of us do- I will be talking to my docotr soon also about my depression.

PaperDolls

I hear ha needtobe.

What do you mean by soon? What are you waiting for??

Hope

Hi doll,

I know the hydros can really mess with brain chemistry and when taken enough, the brain can stop producing its own natural happy chemicals.
But, it does even out again without the hydros. The brain will start kicking out those good natural happy chemicals again. The brain is an amazing thing. That is the good news.

I'm really happy to hear that you talked to your pdoc and was honest.

I'm here for you darlin'!

PaperDolls

Thank You Hope --


There are some new developments ...... it's not pretty, I'll have to start a new thread when I have time. I'm having a hard time working right now and I'd really like to take some of those hydro's that are in my purse. They are calling my name.