Why do I even care?
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Join Date: May 2004
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Why do I even care?
Over the course of many years, I have asked myself that very question more times than I can count. "Why do I even care?" I've also asked myself "Why bother?" when it seemed that all my efforts and my love didn't make a difference at all. Of course, there were other questions along the way - one of the big ones was "How could I even care?"
Sometimes now, I look over the past. I still try to decipher the reasons of why and how. Of course, I've learned about alcoholism, Stockholm Syndrome, and codependancy - but even still, sometimes the real answers just seem so far away.
My AH has done some pretty crappy things to my children and myself. Sometimes when I'm talking about AH or telling a story of some event that has happened (past or present), a voice speaks in my mind - "ARE you listening to YOURSELF?" The total dysfunction ringing in that part of my mind that is common sense. That part of my inner being that just doesn't even understand myself.
Codependant, compassionate, understanding, insane - whatever the reason is, it haunts me sometimes. I've come to forgive myself for what I've put my kid's through - and even what I allowed to happen to myself. I've come to understand that I can't change the past and must accept the "what is" of the situation. But even then, sometimes, in the recesses of my mind, the question still surfaces "Why do you even care?" After all he's done - why?
There is a part of me that feels that I shouldn't care. A part of me feels that I should have walked away a long long time ago. Of course, though, I wasn't ready then. And even now - I find myself sometimes struggling to just simply walk away and never look back. It doesn't matter that I can remember this great guy that my AH used to be - that was soooo long ago. The reality is that he hasn't been too great for a really long time either.
There is another part of me that struggles to answer such questions as "Why do I even care?" when the truth is, I can't tell you. I can't explain why I loved this man when he became the man that he is now. I can't explain why I cared so much for a man that hurt me and my kids so much. There just doesn't seem to be any real answers to those questions.
AH told me some time ago that he felt that I loved him still, but that I wasn't "in love" with him anymore. Sadly, I couldn't even bring myself to answer that. I had no comment - as I sat there numb, feeling as though he was probably right. A part of me wanted to deny it, but I couldn't. The man I fell in love with has just been gone so long.
So I have to still wonder why I care. I mean, in all my right mind kind of reasoning, I can't find one solid good answer. Oh sure, I could say it's because he's the father of my children, I could tell you about the many years of the memories I store in my mind, or what have you. But when it comes to the "Now", I can't really tell you. Maybe it's that everlasting hope that I've always carried, hope that he'd get better or hope that he'd change. Hope of anything better than it was/is. Or maybe it's habit. Maybe (as I've always thought) it's just that I don't know how to let go. What is it about ME that makes it so hard to walk away from someone that has treated me so badly? Therein, I suppose, lies the bigger question.
Today I've been thinking - apparently too much, lol. And remembering different things that AH has done. The way that he's hurt my children and me. There just is no excuse good enough anymore to justify what he's done. There is no excuse to justify the reasons that I took it and continued my part in it. But furthermore, there should be no reason why it should be so darn hard to just let go and not care anymore.
Why do I even care? Truly, I really just don't know.
Sometimes now, I look over the past. I still try to decipher the reasons of why and how. Of course, I've learned about alcoholism, Stockholm Syndrome, and codependancy - but even still, sometimes the real answers just seem so far away.
My AH has done some pretty crappy things to my children and myself. Sometimes when I'm talking about AH or telling a story of some event that has happened (past or present), a voice speaks in my mind - "ARE you listening to YOURSELF?" The total dysfunction ringing in that part of my mind that is common sense. That part of my inner being that just doesn't even understand myself.
Codependant, compassionate, understanding, insane - whatever the reason is, it haunts me sometimes. I've come to forgive myself for what I've put my kid's through - and even what I allowed to happen to myself. I've come to understand that I can't change the past and must accept the "what is" of the situation. But even then, sometimes, in the recesses of my mind, the question still surfaces "Why do you even care?" After all he's done - why?
There is a part of me that feels that I shouldn't care. A part of me feels that I should have walked away a long long time ago. Of course, though, I wasn't ready then. And even now - I find myself sometimes struggling to just simply walk away and never look back. It doesn't matter that I can remember this great guy that my AH used to be - that was soooo long ago. The reality is that he hasn't been too great for a really long time either.
There is another part of me that struggles to answer such questions as "Why do I even care?" when the truth is, I can't tell you. I can't explain why I loved this man when he became the man that he is now. I can't explain why I cared so much for a man that hurt me and my kids so much. There just doesn't seem to be any real answers to those questions.
AH told me some time ago that he felt that I loved him still, but that I wasn't "in love" with him anymore. Sadly, I couldn't even bring myself to answer that. I had no comment - as I sat there numb, feeling as though he was probably right. A part of me wanted to deny it, but I couldn't. The man I fell in love with has just been gone so long.
So I have to still wonder why I care. I mean, in all my right mind kind of reasoning, I can't find one solid good answer. Oh sure, I could say it's because he's the father of my children, I could tell you about the many years of the memories I store in my mind, or what have you. But when it comes to the "Now", I can't really tell you. Maybe it's that everlasting hope that I've always carried, hope that he'd get better or hope that he'd change. Hope of anything better than it was/is. Or maybe it's habit. Maybe (as I've always thought) it's just that I don't know how to let go. What is it about ME that makes it so hard to walk away from someone that has treated me so badly? Therein, I suppose, lies the bigger question.
Today I've been thinking - apparently too much, lol. And remembering different things that AH has done. The way that he's hurt my children and me. There just is no excuse good enough anymore to justify what he's done. There is no excuse to justify the reasons that I took it and continued my part in it. But furthermore, there should be no reason why it should be so darn hard to just let go and not care anymore.
Why do I even care? Truly, I really just don't know.
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And for the record........after reading the post, I realized that it sounds as though I'm having a hard time. Really, I'm not. Just wanted to post some of the thoughts that go through my mind. Somehow, I have a feeling that I'm not the only one that has asked those questions. 
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Standingstrong, yes, you are not the only one. I have asked myself the same questions. I recalled the good and bad times that happened throughout my 17 yrs of marriage. Throughout our marriage he lied, and betrayed me. After the chaos my AH caused two weeks ago and the truth came out, I can finally look inside from the outside I don't even know who he is, but I do know he is not half the man I thought he was. He took so much of my time. I now see I didn't devote my time to my children as I should have. I have no hope of getting back together. Whether he recovers or not. Financially I am barely getting by, but I will not call him for anything. Every once in awhile I think of him. Why hasn't he called or picked up my son. Lots of why's. But most of all, why do I even care or think about him? He is dead as far as I am concerned. I don't want to sound bitter. In reality, I have lots of plans and look forward to what my future has in store for me. Sorry, I rambled on. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
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You totally did not ramble. I just thought that many of us had asked ourselves those questions and I know that for me, it often times makes it better to know that people have been there and understand. Just opening the floor for other people's ESH.
Thank you for posting on here. I do believe that it helps us all to not feel alone. So often times, those that haven't lived with an A, well, they just don't "get it".
Thank you for posting on here. I do believe that it helps us all to not feel alone. So often times, those that haven't lived with an A, well, they just don't "get it".
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
I just posted a similar thought earlier, 'why do we stick around'? Many reasons, then it just is done. Although, I am doing pretty well most days, I am still having some rough spots, mostly due to my own fault. If I can keep him out of my mind I am doing well, as soon as I start trying to STILL figure him out, or wonder how is doing, what he is thinking, "who" he is working on now. It is that codep. stuff pushing it's way back into my head. He has moved out almost 3 weeks now, blowup 6 weeks ago. I am so glad for this site to keep me on the right path. Thanks to all.....thinking/sharing with you...
We still care.....there just has to be a "detatchment" factor in it. Right? And a "new" hope.....not that they will change/get better, BUT that we will.
We still care.....there just has to be a "detatchment" factor in it. Right? And a "new" hope.....not that they will change/get better, BUT that we will.
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Yes, Mazey, I believe you are right.
"And a "new" hope...not that they will change/get better, BUT that we will".
The reasons I stayed are many.
The reasons I still care at all are really just beyond my comprehension. I guess because when I look back, the healthy thing to have done would have been to remove myself and my kids from the situation. However, NOW though, we aren't in that situation anymore.
But still - this man hurt my children and myself a lot. He did things that he should not have done, treated us as he should not have done, etc. Though I did accept it - I believe that a healthy-minded person would not care at all about this man at this point.
Therefore, as you referred too, I guess I can only hope to get better. Maybe someday I will understand and find the answers - and then again, perhaps I won't. I don't know.
Detachment - I'm working on that. But detachment still is not the same as not caring - at least not in my thoughts.
"And a "new" hope...not that they will change/get better, BUT that we will".
The reasons I stayed are many.
The reasons I still care at all are really just beyond my comprehension. I guess because when I look back, the healthy thing to have done would have been to remove myself and my kids from the situation. However, NOW though, we aren't in that situation anymore.
But still - this man hurt my children and myself a lot. He did things that he should not have done, treated us as he should not have done, etc. Though I did accept it - I believe that a healthy-minded person would not care at all about this man at this point.
Therefore, as you referred too, I guess I can only hope to get better. Maybe someday I will understand and find the answers - and then again, perhaps I won't. I don't know.
Detachment - I'm working on that. But detachment still is not the same as not caring - at least not in my thoughts.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Grin..yes, "healthy people" would think we were nuts to even give a rats ///! BUT....look where we have been! I thought I use to be healthy? hope to find her again! getting started, tho. That's better than I was a few short weeks ago.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dream
Posts: 88
I think we all go through that. Somehow we feel guity like we have sold ourselves and our children short. I can relate. I do know that I have found that letting go of the need to know why and letting go of the need to have an answer has helped a great deal. It is easier when it is an emotion of love LETTING go does not mean you do not love someone it is the ability to let go of what you cannot control. Although you may look for ananswer sometimes you do not see it because you are not ready to when you let go you see lots of things in time and your not so angry about it. The hardest thing to remember it is it is not about you it is a sickness. Although hurtful, it takes a great deal of focus on you to keep your clarity. I applaud you for staying, there is something to be said for that. This is not an easy feat without tools for yourself. Without this forum sometimes I think I would flip out. So for what its worth THANK YOU ALL!!!! Standing strong you are in my prayers God has a plan for you it doesnt always seem to make sense but trust in God it will do amazing things for a wounded heart.
SC
SC
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
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This a great post. I was able to move on from understanding the reasons why I stayed. I am just stuck in a place now where the memories and the life I had with him plays over and over in my head.
I am standing on the outside looking in and continue to fall upon information of his current antics. It just brings alot of clarity to me, as he is doing to others exactly what he did to me. These people are experiencing the same insanity I went through. I can't believe I was with this person, he is not even someone I can stand right now, but I professed my love for him for 23 years.
I am so glad you brought this post out, it just feels like I have been consumed with something I can't put my finger on and I need to move on. I have so much to be thankful for right now and I have to move forward. It just so great to be able to come here and find people who are going through the same thing.
Where do I put those 23 years, how do I get closure when wounds and experiences keep being brought to my attention? How do I establish any type of relationship with this person going from the battlefield and despair to being cordial? Somedays I just want to scream. Somedays I just laugh because it is so unbelievable and then their those days I can't believe I survived and just cry.
Thank god I can come here where people understand and I can regroup.
I am standing on the outside looking in and continue to fall upon information of his current antics. It just brings alot of clarity to me, as he is doing to others exactly what he did to me. These people are experiencing the same insanity I went through. I can't believe I was with this person, he is not even someone I can stand right now, but I professed my love for him for 23 years.
I am so glad you brought this post out, it just feels like I have been consumed with something I can't put my finger on and I need to move on. I have so much to be thankful for right now and I have to move forward. It just so great to be able to come here and find people who are going through the same thing.
Where do I put those 23 years, how do I get closure when wounds and experiences keep being brought to my attention? How do I establish any type of relationship with this person going from the battlefield and despair to being cordial? Somedays I just want to scream. Somedays I just laugh because it is so unbelievable and then their those days I can't believe I survived and just cry.
Thank god I can come here where people understand and I can regroup.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dream
Posts: 88
I found that as I sat there again and again asking myself WHY???!!!! not only did I not know nor did he. It is their battle that they have to find an end to. Support and love is what you can offer. To be able to offer this you have to support and love yourself first. They may never figure out why but they will find a way to move forward. Concentrate on you not the why. You cannot control the why but you can control you. It is not easy and it is an effort everyday. So long as you let go of the need to know and control things beyond you . you will make it through and find it is much easier to deal iwth MAKE SENSE? I hope so !!! Good luck
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
My final hearing is tomorrow at 1:00pm and I have cried allllll the way through this divorce. I heard today that as soon as the ink is dry on our papers he is marrying the OW. The one that drinks and does meth with him. I have no idea how well I will come out of this divorce but with God on my side it's got to be okay.....I certainly hope so. I'm afraid and alone and I still love him. How could I still love this man who has caused all this pain to me and his kids???? What is the matter with me. The best I can hope for is that after its over I will be able to move on....something about seeing it in writing should do something for me shouldn't it? Help me out here guys I'm an absolute wreck tonight. I want it all go away and be a big nightmare that I will wake up from, but I know it's not. OMG this hurts. That bytch. One day ...one day...I went down to the little bar next to our house the one where the two of them met last Sat nite to meet the new owners since we are now neighbors and someone told me that they wanted to talk to me. They said that they have owned the bar since this past March. And that AH hooch comes in alot. I asked if she came in with my husband and they said no but she leaves with many different men...I then asked them if they would be willing to take a few pictures of her in action for me. They said: " Sure anything for our new neighbor!" I also informed them that I had heard that she puts meth in mens beers at least that what I was told she did to my husband...and now they are really going to watch her. The owners wife said she didn't like this girl and has been suspicious of her and couldn't put a finger as to why...so who knows maybe my STBAXH will wind up married to her and find out real quick what her game is. Wouldn't that be cool? Sorry to ramble on guys.
Pray for me tonight ok,
Janit
Pray for me tonight ok,
Janit
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Standing Strong - I know I will be you very soon. It doesn't matter how long its been over. When you love someone you love someone. We took our vows literally and they didn't. And I know I won't be any good to any other man for a very long time...just like you hun. Go easy on yourself ok. (((hugs)))
Janit
Janit
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Well, I am/was married to an A who definitely didn't care while I did for all of the years we were together. Now that the final straw came and he's out of here...I don't care at all. I guess what I'm saying is, I know it isn't healthy and I started therapy tonight. I just am still numb and just couldn't care less right now about him.
I care only about my children.
I care only about my children.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Good. Sometimes we stay until we stand on the line of insanity and we have to decide if we are going to step over that line or are we going to save ourselves. You will always look back feeling good about your choice. You stayed until there was NO NO NO doubt.
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