hopeful skeptic

I am 24 yrs old and am married to and A. I have 4...yes 4 children with him and have been with him since I was 16. I absolutely love him when he's sober. He's a loving and attentive husband and father. When he's drunk, he hates us. I work 32 hrs a week and go to school. I do this in the hope that someday things will get better. I have an associate's degree in Chemical dependency couseling so I know the programs, the disease model, the "facts." I have found that I am now at a point that none of that is helping me.

I have known since I met AH that he had a problem with drinking but didn't understand how it would effect me. Between his irrational behavior and my irrational thought, something has to give.

My problem for today is this:

Husband was sober for three wonderful years. Things were not perfect but we were a united front...us against the worls. Six weeks after our third child was born my H lost his job and found comfort at the bar. Then, 2-3 months later some other issue came up and he drank again. This has been a pattern for the last 1.5 years. He is sober for a while and right when I get comfortable, he does it again. Tonight, he went with some friends to band practice and I couldn't get a hold of him to make sure he had his keys. I finally left a message on his friends phone that since I couldn't get a hold of him, I would just head over ther. "Magically" AH finally realized I called and called me to let me know he'd be home in the morning. I asked if he'd been drinking, which he was but it's "not a big deal."

It's a big deal...our Dr. told him 3 weeks ago that if he continues, he won't remember his kids in 5 yrs...developing "wet brain." Even with that information he doesn't care. His friends don't care, his family tries to be supportive of me but they just don't get how bad he is. I'm the crazyy one.

I don't know what to do. I can't take it. My anxiety is taking over and I'm not able to sleep even though I know I have class in 5.5 hrs. I need to know that someday this will pass.

The most hurtful thing to me is he knows he's sick and has given up. I'm trying to detach but how can I do that? I've read what all the liturature says but can't seem to do it. I'm scared for him, our kids, and that I'll wake up when I'm 75 and realize I never lived for myself.

I can't talk to anyone I know about this stuff because everybody says I need to leave but I'm scared. Sorry if my thoughts are jumping around in my thoughts a lot but I'm in mid-PANIC

Grasshopper

Hi and welcome,
reading youre posts,brought back so many memories for me.I too have 4 kids,by the age of 26,married,known him all my life.For me,i got fed up with everyone and everything,even myself.When i would share with others,they either told me to leave,or stay.I felt i was being pulled,apart.What i did do,was let go,and let God,work in my life.I headed to Al-anon,and for me,AA ,to the recovery rooms.Puting the focus on me,and my recovery.And blocking out what others thought that i should do.,in our marriage.As im learning a new way to live,i became more clearer,to make decisions,for myself.I have never decided to stay or leave,and we are still together.Our whole family,has reaped the benifits of recovery,kids too.Our marriage,is a blessing today,after coming through all that stuff,through the Grace of God.And recovery rooms.
No matter what,recovery is important,for ones self.Because where-ever i go,there i am.
Thanks for letting me share,
May God,peace ,be,with you and your family,God Bless.

brooklynborn

I there and welsome to SR! I hope you find some comfort, insight and information from these great people who have helped me so much already.(I'm new too!) FOr starters you should get the book Codependant No MOre, it is wonderful and is very eye opening. It will help you set healthy boundries for you and your children for dealing w/ AH. You need to figure out when enough is enough, it's hard, I'm still working on that.
Good luck and keep posting......it is a good outlet!
brooklyn

Debbie

Hi hopeful and welcome to the forum. I would suggest reading the stickies at the top of the forum, and just reading the posts in general. You will see that so many are really "you" and every one has at least one thing in common.....they have a loved one that drinks.

I personally dont think detaching is an easy thing to do. For me I think one day it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I needed to survive and think about me. Didnt mean I stopped loving him just meant that I wasnt going down and he wasnt taking me with him if he couldnt see the light. I hope things work out.

Big hugs to you!!

Minx1969

hey there Hopeful..

For all the book knowledge I had it didn't seem to make sense until I got to Alanon..(I must have read Codependent No more about 3 times before I even got to Alanon..once I got to Alanon putting it in place all made sense).

So here's my ESH - Alanon helped me in a way that reading books, life coaching and therapy didnt'.

I went to meetings, found a sponsor and worked the steps..I also found a fellowship of people that were struggling just like me and that was the best thing of all.

There are alanon meetings that have free babysitting so I suggest you try at least 6 meetings.

When you go - try to have an open and willing mind..it takes a while but it does work..

hopeful skeptic

Thank you all for the support, even without responces at least I know that this pain isn't just bootled up.

He came home this morning, 1.5 hours after I was supposed to be to class. I went to class and talked to a friend I haven't seen in a while who is also with an A. She and I relate to each other which feels awesome. For a minute, that stress was gone.

When I got back for class, my house was empty. I walked to my neighbor's house (we've been friends since high school) and he was over there with our four kids...drinking! I was furious but used all of my energy trying not to say anything to p*ss him off. I honestly thought I could trust him to atleast watch the kids! On top of that, my neighbor is only 57 days sober so I know it was hard on her to have it in her house. This evening I asked her about it and she said that at least that way she knew the kids were OK.

I wnat desperately to go to an Al-anon meeting but in my area, they only have one per day which are evenings, when I'm at work.

I'm exhausted from the day but I really want everyone to know that I really do appreciate feeling "normal" for a change.

dalin

first things first.make the meeting.make out of town meetings.try naranon as well if you can.
you will find releif.get numbers and call.you will find folks like you that have an answer that works.
give yourself a chance..

Pick-a-name

Hi hopeful! Glad you found us! As you can already see, there are lots of great people who can give you helpful suggestions and more importantly: moral support and a place to vent.

Your story sounds very familiar,except mine has only "cut back" in the past. I understand what you are saying about "head knowledge" and having the will/faith to DO it. I am 52 with 2 kids...AH recently left us to be able to "have fun". It is progressive.....the addiction and the destruction.

Glad you are here....concentrating on you (and your kids); that is the best thing for all of you, even AH. You have already received GREAT advice; only thing I can throw in is to remember the Three C's: you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it but I have found that as I accept that and quit spending my energy on trying to control/cure him (which is like trying to stop the incoming tide), I can start to turn more of my focus on to me and ours kids...I CAN help us to live in less chaos. In the process, AH is starting to have to deal with HIS problems (for a change...I was unknowingly making it easier for him not to deal with the problems he was making)......

I also recommend the "Getting Them Sober" books by Toby Rice Drews. Wonderful,practical tips on how to shift your focus back on your own life and your children, in a gentle way. You can read parts of the books free online at: http://www.GettingThemSober.com.

Glad you are here;keep posting! Sending you a big hug,too!

hopeful skeptic

Really, thank you all. "Thank you" doesn't seem to cover it...I really think I need this.

Pick-a-name, that was an amazing link, my book is on it's way.