Thought They Never Left Us???
ritabee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 45
Thought They Never Left Us???
My ABF had been dry since the end of April. He is on probation until January with the stipulation that he cannot be under the influence in my presence. Things were going well between us until my ex-husband became unable (or unwilling) to pay his utility bills and lost first his gas, then his hydro. My 2 daughters (12 & 14) came to live with us full time just before his gas was cut off. My youngest daughter suffers from panic and anxiety disorders and the doctor tried taking her off her meds after Christmas last year. She had a panic attack in school at the beginning of April and was unable to return to her regular classroom and eventually stayed home every day even when back on her meds.
Of course the A doesn't understand why she can go everywhere else except school. He thinks she just doesn't want to go even though numerous "experts" have told us this is a real condition beyond her control. I know my A cares about this fragile girl but he becomes frustrated easily which he usually took out on me. My parenting skills became under attack. I had too much maternal instinct. I needed to punish her for not going to school yada, yada, yada. Then he had times of sympathy when he tried to talk to her and get to the root of her problem.
I was starting to worry about the first day of school. We had a social worker come here to help with the transition back to school. When this woman first came here 2 weeks ago to get the program in place she talked to the A and I and he said that "he didn't know how much longer he could stand to see what this was doing to me". The next day he told me he had talked to our landlord and he was going to move out and get an apartment down the hall from me. He said I needed to work on my daughters problems and he needed to find himself.
Ever since his arrest my ABF had been plagued with medical problems which caused him to stop working. He has been applying for compensation since January and receiving unemployment since then. His cheques went directly into the bank and I paid all the bills but I needed to dip into my savings to make ends meet. I paid for his computer and his car but neither were new and he was very good at finding bargains. We went on a few weekend trips which I paid for. He often said he felt bad or felt "like a bum" because he was unable to support our family. However as soon as his compensation came in he moved out. He said that he was on the brink of a breakdown and that he didn't feel like part of our family. I told him his timing sucked.
Now I am dealing with a daughter who is unable to go to school and left to do this alone. My childrens' father is unable to even keep them overnight and does not support them at all. Now my ABF has moved just down the hall from me and has to walk past my patio door to get to the parking lot! He also has taken a job on the side cleaning this place so he is everywhere in and out of the building.
He said that he is looking at the "big picture" and says that we haven't broken up, he's just getting himself together and plans to get counseling. He hopes that by next spring we will move back in together in a bigger place where the girls can each have their own rooms. He failed to mention however that his big picture includes drinking. The day after he moved out he went on a binge hitting almost every bar in town. He has no problem with drinking and driving yet he took a cab home that night which shows me just how drunk he was.
I feel so stupid, like I was used for my money. I feel like I was left here with all the expenses and all the problems so he could go and be with his first love, beer. I know he had genuine feelings for the girls and I but they're really hard to remember right now. This man who has no friends or relatives in town disappears every afternoon and doesn't reappear until after I go to bed. I can see the parking lot and his car is noticeable in its absence. Except for coming once a day to clean my windows he is basically avoiding me. He had talked about having me over for dinner and we would still occasionally sleep together (no sex, that's another issue). We were still going to be a couple but I don't feel like half a couple. Never in a million years would I have guessed that he would have been the one to leave. Just a few short weeks ago he said that I would kick him out long before he ever left on his own. I have never been so confused about anything in my 51 years. I miss my best friend and constant companion. I guess I just need to be in communication with others who know the roller coaster that being involved with an A brings.
Of course the A doesn't understand why she can go everywhere else except school. He thinks she just doesn't want to go even though numerous "experts" have told us this is a real condition beyond her control. I know my A cares about this fragile girl but he becomes frustrated easily which he usually took out on me. My parenting skills became under attack. I had too much maternal instinct. I needed to punish her for not going to school yada, yada, yada. Then he had times of sympathy when he tried to talk to her and get to the root of her problem.
I was starting to worry about the first day of school. We had a social worker come here to help with the transition back to school. When this woman first came here 2 weeks ago to get the program in place she talked to the A and I and he said that "he didn't know how much longer he could stand to see what this was doing to me". The next day he told me he had talked to our landlord and he was going to move out and get an apartment down the hall from me. He said I needed to work on my daughters problems and he needed to find himself.
Ever since his arrest my ABF had been plagued with medical problems which caused him to stop working. He has been applying for compensation since January and receiving unemployment since then. His cheques went directly into the bank and I paid all the bills but I needed to dip into my savings to make ends meet. I paid for his computer and his car but neither were new and he was very good at finding bargains. We went on a few weekend trips which I paid for. He often said he felt bad or felt "like a bum" because he was unable to support our family. However as soon as his compensation came in he moved out. He said that he was on the brink of a breakdown and that he didn't feel like part of our family. I told him his timing sucked.
Now I am dealing with a daughter who is unable to go to school and left to do this alone. My childrens' father is unable to even keep them overnight and does not support them at all. Now my ABF has moved just down the hall from me and has to walk past my patio door to get to the parking lot! He also has taken a job on the side cleaning this place so he is everywhere in and out of the building.
He said that he is looking at the "big picture" and says that we haven't broken up, he's just getting himself together and plans to get counseling. He hopes that by next spring we will move back in together in a bigger place where the girls can each have their own rooms. He failed to mention however that his big picture includes drinking. The day after he moved out he went on a binge hitting almost every bar in town. He has no problem with drinking and driving yet he took a cab home that night which shows me just how drunk he was.
I feel so stupid, like I was used for my money. I feel like I was left here with all the expenses and all the problems so he could go and be with his first love, beer. I know he had genuine feelings for the girls and I but they're really hard to remember right now. This man who has no friends or relatives in town disappears every afternoon and doesn't reappear until after I go to bed. I can see the parking lot and his car is noticeable in its absence. Except for coming once a day to clean my windows he is basically avoiding me. He had talked about having me over for dinner and we would still occasionally sleep together (no sex, that's another issue). We were still going to be a couple but I don't feel like half a couple. Never in a million years would I have guessed that he would have been the one to leave. Just a few short weeks ago he said that I would kick him out long before he ever left on his own. I have never been so confused about anything in my 51 years. I miss my best friend and constant companion. I guess I just need to be in communication with others who know the roller coaster that being involved with an A brings.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Rita,
The roller coaster is NOT a fun ride. I've been on it and I highly recommend getting off if you can.
Take it one day at a time, an hour at a time if necessary. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your daughters. And be easy on yourself. No need to punish yourself for what has already happened... just know that you can make positive changes in your life. Starting now.
You didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control it and you can't cure it. When he's ready, he'll start to take care of himself. He may need to hit another "bottom" before he's ready, but you don't have anything to do with that either, even if he tells you that it's your fault.
I hope you continue to post here. There are many who have lots of experience, strength and hope to share. Some share from a place of their own pain and anger. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Hugs
Cat
The roller coaster is NOT a fun ride. I've been on it and I highly recommend getting off if you can.
Take it one day at a time, an hour at a time if necessary. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your daughters. And be easy on yourself. No need to punish yourself for what has already happened... just know that you can make positive changes in your life. Starting now.
You didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control it and you can't cure it. When he's ready, he'll start to take care of himself. He may need to hit another "bottom" before he's ready, but you don't have anything to do with that either, even if he tells you that it's your fault.
I hope you continue to post here. There are many who have lots of experience, strength and hope to share. Some share from a place of their own pain and anger. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Hugs
Cat
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I feel so stupid, like I was used for my money. I feel like I was left here with all the expenses and all the problems so he could go and be with his first love, beer.
When you say you "miss your best friend and constant companion, are you referring to your AB?" He doesn't sound like a worthy companion to me. He's unemployed, so he doesn't contribute financially to your household and he's emotionally and physically unavailable for you as well.
And though he just recently moved out, it sounds like he left you emotionally a long time ago. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but he probably did you a favor by leaving. With him out of the picture, you can begin to focus only on yourself and your children and find a path to a better life.
Have you ever read "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken?" I'm reading it right now and I think you many find it enlightening and helpful. It offers some great advice on how to stop waisting time wallowing in mysery and encourages you to get on with your life.
According to this book, this is a prime opportunity for you to give yourself and your life a "Breakover,"--by that the author means to reinvent yourself, your home, your life.
A few other books I found helpful were "Co-Dependent No More" and "The Language of Letting Go" by Melodie Beatty. If you haven't read them yet, now would be the perfect time. It will help get your mind off of things and they may just change your life for the better.
And remember, oftentimes what seems like an ending to you now, may just be a wonderful new beginning for you and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
ritabee...My son had/has this same type of medical problems.....my AH (his father) couldn't deal with it either...actually not too many people gave much constructive advice...more like the things you said.
I am sorry. The alcoholism and its effects are bad enough...this other problem, even by itself is huge (especially with legal aspects it can also cause)..together they can be overwhelming. Sending a hug and prayers to you .
I am sorry. The alcoholism and its effects are bad enough...this other problem, even by itself is huge (especially with legal aspects it can also cause)..together they can be overwhelming. Sending a hug and prayers to you .
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Ritabee, also with your bf no longer living there, whether your xAH can pay any child support or not, go down and apply for AFDC. they will come after xAH for it, but the girls are entitled to child support.
Just a thought to help ease some of your financial stress.
Love and hugs,
Just a thought to help ease some of your financial stress.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
I know it's painful but he did do you a favor by moving out. From what you wrote, it sounds like he does care about you but just cares about the alcohol more. Alcoholism is a scary thing that way. My AH couldn't stay sober without Antabuse no matter how hard he tried. The fact that your ABF managed to hold it together enough to move the minimum required distance from you so he could drink is impressive.
The good news is you can focus on your children now. I have two boys, one with autism and the other with learning disabilities and anxiety issues as well. School is highly over rated. I pulled my boys out a long time ago and we've been having a great time homeschooling ever since. I'm kind of a born again homeschooler and love to preach about it's merrits to any potential converts. We get to go to museums any time we want and spend as much time carschooling as we please. My children and I watch all kinds of documentaries together and so I get to learn interesting things with them. Academically, they are way ahead of their peers. They go to Karate several times a week and participate in international tournaments. There is nothing wrong with staying home from school. We are all so much happier living this way. It's easy here in California. We're registered as a private school and responsible for our own curriculum. Have you checked into homeschooling requirenments and support systems in your area?
The good news is you can focus on your children now. I have two boys, one with autism and the other with learning disabilities and anxiety issues as well. School is highly over rated. I pulled my boys out a long time ago and we've been having a great time homeschooling ever since. I'm kind of a born again homeschooler and love to preach about it's merrits to any potential converts. We get to go to museums any time we want and spend as much time carschooling as we please. My children and I watch all kinds of documentaries together and so I get to learn interesting things with them. Academically, they are way ahead of their peers. They go to Karate several times a week and participate in international tournaments. There is nothing wrong with staying home from school. We are all so much happier living this way. It's easy here in California. We're registered as a private school and responsible for our own curriculum. Have you checked into homeschooling requirenments and support systems in your area?
ritabee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 45
Thanks so much for the positive feedback. I definitely agree that he loves booze more that me although he will deny that to his death. He continually told me how he appreciated my financial help and to be fair to him, he did support us almost exclusively for the first year we were together. I never felt that he was taking advantage of me, just that he was going through a hard time now and it was my turn to contribute. These feelings of being used only started when he took his settlement and left. Its quite possible he wanted to leave earlier and couldn't afford to go. I don't know and I will make myself sick trying to figure out the truth (and I won't get it from him).
As for home schooling, I tried to teach my daughter last year and while she is a very smart girl she was unable to concentrate and basically just fought me. Her concentration level was next to nothing...a bit of depression here too... and she started feeling that she was too stupid to learn. I don't have the patience for home schooling. If she can get into her classroom after a couple of days things will be back to normal. We had this problem last September too but this year it seemed to be worse, probably because she missed so much last spring.
As to my exH (the children's father), he is not an alcoholic but just a pathetic man with no common sense. Because initially we agreed to a 50/50 split of the girls, we each receive a Child Tax Credit; I get it for 6 months then he gets it for 6 months. However he has not filed his Income Tax for 2004 or 2005 so they are not sending the money to him. They will not send it to me when it's not my turn so I have consulted a lawyer about getting sole custody...then the government money will all come to me and he will be sued for support too.
My ABF always felt like his life was being controlled by the whims of my ex and sometimes I agree. My girls tried to stay overnight at their dad's one night during the summer...without electricity they tried to make it seem like camping in the living room...and I got a call from my youngest at 2:30 a.m. saying she was panicky and couldn't find her dad. His vehicle was there but he had slipped away to his girlfriend's. My BF and went right over and picked them up and my ex never even missed them the next morning! He thought they had decided to spend the night at their friends' and didn't even bother checking it out.
Sometimes I feel like the only sane person I know and I've been questioning my sanity a lot lately. I know I'll get through all this but I seriously doubt that I can handle one more problem without cracking. I am really starting to resent the ABF for his lousy timing but I can see where all this has driven him right back to the bottle. Once again to be fair I only know for sure about his drinking last Saturday. I caught him red handed. I am assuming that his absences are because he's out drinking just because I have no other explaination and I am stopping myself from checking on it. I needed to know last weekend if he started drinking. I know it now and the trust I had in him is gone again. What I miss is the sober man who is so much different from the drunk one.
As for home schooling, I tried to teach my daughter last year and while she is a very smart girl she was unable to concentrate and basically just fought me. Her concentration level was next to nothing...a bit of depression here too... and she started feeling that she was too stupid to learn. I don't have the patience for home schooling. If she can get into her classroom after a couple of days things will be back to normal. We had this problem last September too but this year it seemed to be worse, probably because she missed so much last spring.
As to my exH (the children's father), he is not an alcoholic but just a pathetic man with no common sense. Because initially we agreed to a 50/50 split of the girls, we each receive a Child Tax Credit; I get it for 6 months then he gets it for 6 months. However he has not filed his Income Tax for 2004 or 2005 so they are not sending the money to him. They will not send it to me when it's not my turn so I have consulted a lawyer about getting sole custody...then the government money will all come to me and he will be sued for support too.
My ABF always felt like his life was being controlled by the whims of my ex and sometimes I agree. My girls tried to stay overnight at their dad's one night during the summer...without electricity they tried to make it seem like camping in the living room...and I got a call from my youngest at 2:30 a.m. saying she was panicky and couldn't find her dad. His vehicle was there but he had slipped away to his girlfriend's. My BF and went right over and picked them up and my ex never even missed them the next morning! He thought they had decided to spend the night at their friends' and didn't even bother checking it out.
Sometimes I feel like the only sane person I know and I've been questioning my sanity a lot lately. I know I'll get through all this but I seriously doubt that I can handle one more problem without cracking. I am really starting to resent the ABF for his lousy timing but I can see where all this has driven him right back to the bottle. Once again to be fair I only know for sure about his drinking last Saturday. I caught him red handed. I am assuming that his absences are because he's out drinking just because I have no other explaination and I am stopping myself from checking on it. I needed to know last weekend if he started drinking. I know it now and the trust I had in him is gone again. What I miss is the sober man who is so much different from the drunk one.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
My son with the anxiety attacks also has ADHD, is gifted in some areas but with a learning disability in another (math)....he also has a heart (rhythm) problem. We ended up having "home instruction" for him via our local school system......tutor came to our house with the assignments from the regular classroom teachers.did same tests,etc.in theory he could return to classroom and be able to join in where they were. (Usually used for children with surgeries, pregnancies,etc). There are some options out there;thought I'd share what we finally came up with. (Did alot of other stuff on ut own,too.)
Good luck !
Good luck !
ritabee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 45
I asked about a tutor last year but her teacher didn't feel it was necessary then. I have since learned that I can get a tutor come to my home 4 hours a week (free, supplied by the school). If she's not in school soon I think they will arrange it for us.
I appreciate all your suggestions. Having a child with mental health issues is VERY hard to deal with. Thanks for sharing with me.
I appreciate all your suggestions. Having a child with mental health issues is VERY hard to deal with. Thanks for sharing with me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by ritabee
I asked about a tutor last year but her teacher didn't feel it was necessary then. I have since learned that I can get a tutor come to my home 4 hours a week (free, supplied by the school). If she's not in school soon I think they will arrange it for us.
I appreciate all your suggestions. Having a child with mental health issues is VERY hard to deal with. Thanks for sharing with me.
I appreciate all your suggestions. Having a child with mental health issues is VERY hard to deal with. Thanks for sharing with me.
That is pretty much the arrangement we had. (One hour a day,provided by and paid by the school) The one we had (it was a hassle to get started but just keep at it) we had for four years. We were even able to pay him ourself for additional time,when needed, but that was between him and us.
Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
Rita,
I agree that you should focus on the health and well being of you and your children. He didn't move far so if he really needs you, he can approach and beg you to take him back. If you can, move out of there. He is torturing your spirit by hanging around.
I agree, now that he did this, you can have a clean break to move on and out.
stay strong.
I agree that you should focus on the health and well being of you and your children. He didn't move far so if he really needs you, he can approach and beg you to take him back. If you can, move out of there. He is torturing your spirit by hanging around.
I agree, now that he did this, you can have a clean break to move on and out.
stay strong.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
