Cynay

Starting a new thread on this one.....

As I said in the other thread Im doing alot of looking inside of me and trying to figure out everything that has happened.

5 weeks after I received the text message that Mr. R was ending our relationship and 2 1/2 weeks after receiving an apology from him (again e-mail) that read to me like a list of my defects and him saying he is sorry he cant deal with them Im still struggling.

Then 1 1/2 weeks ago with my daughter deciding to move out to her Aunt and Uncles.....and then last night she came to get the rest of her things and was so cold.....

Yeppers Im struggling. Im embarrased that I was dumped, Im hurt, angry, and mostly feel that my world now just does not "fit" .... Im not sure what its suppose to fit but whatever that is Im not there and I feel WAY off balance. I feel like I worked very hard on the last relationship and my relationship with my daughter and struggle to understand how they both fell apart in a month of each other.

Im going to go nuts by thinking of all this.... Im taking today off from work to just curl up and try to come to a balance in all this.... like I said Im just struggling. Its not life alternating .... but all the same it hurts pretty bad today.

cwohio

((CYNAY))

you HAVE worked hard - i think you are being a bit too self-critical. it really may not be "about" you at all with your ex and daughter - but THEIR issues that you are taking on which is leading to your self-doubt. comfort yourself on your day off today.

Live

You are a caring person, Cynay! I hope you find some comfort today.

Pick-a-name

Cynay............I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but glad you posted this. I am feeling the same way myself,so if that is any "comfort",you are not alone. Good advice has been given and more is sure to come along on this thread.

Glad you are taking a day for yourself and I hope it will help....maybe your daughter is just off re-grouping herself and giving you some "breathing space"...I know it is hard for my children to see me going through pain and tears and not be able to really "do" anything help; it both hurts and frustrates them (sometimes that translates to angry feelings! ) Perhaps that is some of what is going on with your daughter. (Especially for a young adult whose own emotions are all over the place,too)

Be good to yourself...........get some rest if you can;that helps me sooooo much.
Big hugs to you!

p.s. Have you read the Getting Them Sober books?....have been VERY helpful to help me start to see that you/I may be blaming and shaming yourself for things you should not...truly helps my focus and perspective to get turned around in a very good (and correct!) way. I highly recommend it. (Some chapters free online at http://www.GettingThemSober.com)

TexasGirl

Live is right, you are a caring, and consistently sweet, warm person. You always manage to make me feel better when I'm struggling, and I appreciate that you take the time to do so. You're right...I know this is very painful. I wish I could offer you some of the great things you have shared with me, but I'm not as good at that as you!!! Just know that I'm thinking of you.

deax

Sometimes things happen that we just don't deserve. People do ****** up things all the time and a hard lesson I struggle every day to accept is that I can't force/reason/convince anyone else to do right by me or to validate my feelings if they don't have it in them to do so. Even when I am right, or when I do deserve that much. Looking at things through that perspective, I would advise you to get a handle on feeling embarassed about being dumped. Try not to internalize his bad behavior, or his version of you. Even if you have regrets about your role in the relationship (and who doesn't), I think, and it sounds like you also think, that you deserved more in the way the breakup was handled. But that's a reflection of him-- not of you.

I don't know what happened with your daughter, and am very sorry to hear about that... Mother-daughter relationships are complicated and difficult, even when there is so much love there. I know that much from my own mom, who loves me very much, as I love her, and yet somehow our relationship is FULL of hurdles and challenges and intense emotion. The parameters need to change for us from the way they currently are, but I feel that in time, once everyone has moved out of their comfort zones but into a healthier place, things will improve for us overall. My mom is still the main focus for me in therapy-- even moreso than R, if you can believe it! We all do our best, mothers and daughters, but for some reason it's still never simple, or easy.

I hope today is a day of comfort for you.

mazey

Cynay, I am totally sympathetic. I will post later, I am headed out to a Therapist appt. ! I am right there w/ ya. Some days are worse than others, so remember tomorrow is another day. Will be right back....

denny57

When I said something like this once, my therapist asked, "did he feel like a project?" I'm still working on that one, and it's tough, because it's about digging deep to figure out motives, etc.

A couple days ago at a meeting a man shared something that hit home with me. He said he never argued with his (ex)wife, never gave her ultimatums, but he used something just as manipulative: the well placed nice deed. I'm still processing that, but only a little at a time, because I KNOW this is a truth for me.

Just some sharing and don't know if it applies.

((()))

mfisher

Sorry you are feeling this way and again you are not alone. I find myself struggling in relationships new and old to be the "new me" the recovered person.
I am in a new relationship and sometimes I see myself as cold, distant and uncaring. It feels like I am always scrutinizing, questioning looking for the next shoe to fall. The new me carries around alot of the old baggage.
What I have come to realize that detaching and other principles I have learned in Alanon and in other recovery forums are not alway appropriate to use with non alcoholics or "healthy relationships"
Sometimes in feeling the need to protect myself I have lost part of me.
Sometimes I think some of the traits of the old me or the "codependant me" wern't so bad. They were just abused by the A in my life.
It is so hard to find the balance, when the core of who I am became inbalanced. Am I making any sense?
A new path in my journey I guess I need to explore.
I have had a few of those curl up on my couch days and actually it was ok to just give myself a break.
Take care of yourself, who would of thought this could be so complicated.

mazey

Oh, what a perfect thread for today....I am feeling the loss, pain, etc. The validating that I feel was deserved, the "why did I do all that" for naught. How he can Hate ME so much? I also, mfisher, just talked at my appt. about when the time comes will I be too strict? will I not be me? God, it IS so complicated. I also wonder how he can already be looking for someone when I can't stand the thought yet. Not, because I am holding on, just sorting out and in pain. I'm going to post another thread...my Psych. keep wanting to hash "him" and the 14 years out. I am trying to put it away, I guess I can't yet? He wonders why I stuck it out that long? I know someone here will understand the powers that keep us....Cynay, if nothing else, know that we are with ya. Hope the day is being good to YOU.

DesertEyes

I am a dumpee. I got pretty wrapped up in the emotions that resulted. What I learned in al-anon is that the reason I got so messed up over the dumping is that I was failing to apply the three "C's" of recovery in my life.

I didn't Cause the dump.

I can't Control the dumper.

I can't Cure the dumper.

In turn the reason I attempt to control the dumper is because I fear the consequences of being dumped. I fear that being dumped is a reflection on _me_. If I can control the dumper then I will never get dumped and I will never feel hurt.

I have learned that my fear is caused by a lack of faith. That lack of faith is the result of my experience in similar situations. I lack faith in my own ability to protect myself from situations where I could get hurt.

My ex-wife gave me ample "red flags" the last few years of our marriage. I chose to ignore them. It was _me_ who failed to protect me from the impending harm. If I were to have my feces sufficiently amalgamated I would respond to red flags instead of ignoring them, I would avoid getting into situations where I could get hurt, I would develop faith in my ability to protect me, I would loose the fear of getting hurt, and then I wouldn't have to control anybody or anything.

After my ex-wife dumped me I stayed away from relationships for 6 months. That worked good. At 6 months and one day I started dating a charming young lady who is dealing with much the same issues I am. We've spent the next 12 months working very hard at not getting involved in a relationship with each other because we're both afraid of getting hurt.

I am still trying to _control_ the relationship, instead of improving my skills at protecting myself. Although I've learned a lot in al-anon, I have not yet earned trust in _me_ to take care of my needs in a healthy way. I am doing a better job at setting boundaries, my not-relationship has improved from that and so has my confidence in me. I am doing a better job of identifying my feelings and needs, and that has also been a big help. Overall I'm making good progress, but I'm not ready for a real relationship yet.

Yes I got dumped by my ex. I know today that what hurt so much was _not_ the she dumped me. What hurt the most is that I _could_ have protected myself, but chose not to. The person that betrayed me was not my wife, it was _me_.

Mike

guyinNC

I'm so sorry Cynay. ((((Cynay))))

Hang in there, you will meet someone nice!!

Cynay

The problem is its not just Mr. R....... Its also my daughter.

Im not sure I have ever felt this deep rejection ever. I have had more then my share of relationships.... so I know its not just that.... its a horrible deep hurt that is not letting up.

I know I need to pull out of this ... but to be really honest, I just dont have the heart to do it right now.

mazey

Daughters... that age is so tough. I think that would bother me worse too. Is there any talking to her? or she not "available" right now? I remember a little from your thread when she left. Even if she "wants" the family atmosphere right now, YOU ARE HER MOM and that will not go away! Just lay low today and think, feel and sort it out. I understand that pain that just makes you not want to move, think, eat. It weighs us down so low....

Minx1969

Yeah..you do..

My 1st sponsor didn't let me get away with alot of self-pity for too long..

She made me take positive actions which led to a more positive feeling about myself.

Call 3 people in the program and ask about their problems.
Read about Self-pity in your Alanon literature
pick up an extra meeting
do a gratitude list.

The key in recovery is to do something...Change the way that you deal with aversity..

Zoey

Minx, Thanks for reminder of gratitude list, I need to redo mine today.
Amazing what can be added. For me it means much more written out.

I even list people in my life and what I learned from them.

prodigal

Cynay, I know you love your daughter very much and this has got to be tearing you apart. After all, your daughter is literally a part of you, and that part has put up a barrier for the time being. I've been thinking about your situation and all you've gone through the past few months. I found myself saying, "Why her?" and then I remembered a guy in an AA meeting saying, "Why not?"

I am not here to espouse any particular religious faith - all of us must make a personal decision as to which road we will travel on our spiritual journey. When I've been in a situation where I've felt terribly hurt, rejected, angry, and confused I've had to hold onto faith, even though I didn't have a clue as to WHY I was having to endure a particular situation. In this lifetime, I may never know the reason for some of the terrible things that have occurred to me. But I know that everyone here has endured some pretty rough times and made it through.

I know your daughter is very strong-willed and you have mentioned before that she can get angry about something and be stubborn about forgiving the other person. On the other hand, she told you she loved you before she left. At this point, you can wait until things simmer down a bit for you emotionally, and then try to initiate a discussion with her. If you feel that wouldn't be in the best interests for either of you, all you can do is work your program, let go and let God.

I'll PM you later today.

blizzard77

Thinking of you Cynay. I'm so sorry you're hurting so bad. Hang in there.

ICU

Cynay,

I know that when I left home for the first time, I was 18 and thought I knew everything. Moved in with my boyfriend, someone they didn't like (for good reason), and that was the first step I made in messing up my life. I too left my home in a huff with little regard to their feelings. See you don't have discussions with my folks....you just got talked at! So, I responded in kind with my departure. I'm not implying this was your case at all...just giving the background for where my head was at at the time.

After about 9 months, I learned that well, I had a lot to learn, and the grass was not greener on the other side. Fortunately, my parents took me back when I was ready to come home again. Thank God!!!

Looking back it was me trying to find my way, me finding out that my parents were right, swallowing my pride and going back home again.

Teenagers sometimes make "I, I, I" decisions in the name of struggling to claim their independence, whether they have the life skills to support it or not.

Bottom line, yes, I'm sure it hurts like hell that she moved out, especially so soon after your other breakup. I think in time she will learn to regret how she moved out and guilt will get the better of her. And that's when she'll take whatever steps necessary to improve your relationship.

Have faith that this will work out the way it's supposed to and that you will both have a stronger, more loving relationship as a result!

In the meantime, yes, it's important to feel what you are feeling. But it's also important to do nice things for yourself. I swear by a nice warm and relaxing bubble bath, then tucking yourself in a soft cozy bed with a good book, or a funny movie, and a glass of warm milk!

denny57

I would try to have the need for it, then. Why wallow in it? I usually find my heart when I make a conscious effort to going looking for it.