Guessing at what's normal

Old 09-06-2006, 08:07 AM
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Guessing at what's normal

GingerM mentioned yesterday taking the list of characteristics to her therapist as things to work on. I appreciate that idea and it prompted me to look at the list from a new perspective.

On the one about "acoa's guess at what's normal behavior"....

A very distant family member died yesterday. This morning my husband asked me about fixing something (food) to take to the family. I could have smacked myself in the head. Yes, for this area/community this is normal behavior. It never even occurred to me.

And now that it has been presented to me and I see that it is what the "normal" people think of and do immediately, I'm just a little perplexed. Haven't these "normal" people had a death in their own families? Don't they know that that bucket of chicken or layer cake adds stress to an already stressful time? No room in the refrig., now I have to write another thank-you card, I have to return the plate, I can't eat a mouthful, my ______ is dead and now I have the guilt of throwing away enough food to feed have the county. I honestly feel like I'll be adding to the family's burden. And I know that if I express this to my h or anyone else, they'll stare at me blankly and wonder what's wrong with me.

Can anyone relate?
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Old 09-06-2006, 10:42 AM
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Wow, yes, that really does make a lot of sense to me. I still don't understand laying flowers or visiting a loved ones grave. We didn't do that when I was growing up, and it didn't matter who died. Even when my father passed away when I was in my teens, we never went back to visit his grave.

I think I've spent most of my adult life trying to figure out what was normal and what wasn't. It was especially hard when raising my own children, as I wanted to provide a more standard childhood for them...but I didn't know how the heck to do that. I actually copied a lot of the mothers, whose parenting skills and traditions I admired.

I hope my dear children never figure out that the traditions we hold so close were mostly a copy of someone elses or something I pulled out of thin air.
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Old 09-06-2006, 01:09 PM
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Hey there easeful, and I understand about guessing at normal, been there done that.

Originally Posted by Easeful
... I'm just a little perplexed. Haven't these "normal" people had a death in their own families? Don't they know that that bucket of chicken or layer cake adds stress to an already stressful time? No room in the refrig., now I have to write another thank-you card, I have to return the plate, I can't eat a mouthful, my ______ is dead and now I have the guilt of throwing away enough food to feed have the county. I honestly feel like I'll be adding to the family's burden. ...
The way it's supposed to work is you bring the food along with a bunch of other compassionate people. Everybody divides the housework that hasn't been done because the immediate family has been too busy mourning, or just plain too busy. If the yard needs mowing somebody does that, if bathrooms need scrubbing somebody does that, and so on. The objective is to show love thru _action_, the action of helping with the household.

Once the house is sparkling clean everybody sits down and eats the food, like a potluck. When the eating is done the left over food is packed and stored in the fridge, the immediate family does _no_ work. Dishes are washed and put away and any food that won't fit in the fridge is carted away. The tupperware's are _left_ there as a gift, and you tell the bereaved in no uncertain terms that thank you cards are not necessary cuz it's _you_ that are thanking them for the opportunity to be of service.

Yes, it takes awhile to get a "feel" for what a normal life is, but once you catch on that most of it is about making other people's life less onerous it all starts to make sense

Mike
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Old 09-06-2006, 08:57 PM
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From my own experience, the food was overwhelming, and definantly was not in the mood to eat when I lost my loved one, even flowers became a burden, they kept coming and coming, I felt as if I lived in the cemetary home. The one gift I did appreciate was the tiny live rose plant someone sent. I planted it and it's still growing outside. The best help I had was around the house, because I did not feel like doing anything. The cards were wonderful, and I still pull them out occasionally and read them.
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Old 09-07-2006, 03:53 AM
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes
The way it's supposed to work is you bring the food along with a bunch of other compassionate people. Everybody divides the housework that hasn't been done because the immediate family has been too busy mourning, or just plain too busy. If the yard needs mowing somebody does that, if bathrooms need scrubbing somebody does that, and so on. The objective is to show love thru _action_, the action of helping with the household.

<snip>

Yes, it takes awhile to get a "feel" for what a normal life is, but once you catch on that most of it is about making other people's life less onerous it all starts to make sense

Mike
Mike, You know that makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for making me think (and remember). I lived in a rural community like this one when I was a child and you're right that's how it was done. But some how that tradition has changed over the last 40+ years and no one does the house cleaning, lawn mowing, (I remember one group coming and putting up the hay when I was a child) anymore. But they still bring the food, "for people who come in" even though no one eats it. hmmm, maybe I am "normal" and "they" should do some rethinking.
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