How the emotional abuse began...Signs I ignored
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
How the emotional abuse began...Signs I ignored
Hey All,
I feel I need to share and get this stuff off my chest and into typed text.
First, he would tell me about yelling at other people, like his sister.
Then, he would be drunk and yelling on the phone at his ex. I thought, "Well I'm different and he loves me. He would never yell at me like that". I did tell him to hear that yelling upset me.
Soon, way too soon, our discussions began or led into him yelling. When I would alert him in the moment, he would pull all sorts of excuses out his a$$.
Then, initial contact with him would result in his explosive yelling. Somewhere between here and the last change, he was knocking things over in front of me, moving very quickly and had such an expression of rage on his face, I thought he had lost his mind.
Then came the string of names I never deserved. He would apologize (sometimes not, saying I brought it on myself!). He was not one to promise it wouldn't happen again or want to talk about what had transpired.
I finally convinced him we had to go to couples therapy. We went for 3 sessions and then he bailed by creating some huge arguement which I think resulted from his riding his motorcycle drunk and having a spill on it.
From more reading now, I realize I was not only dating an alcoholic but an abusive man. The alcohol didn't "make" him do these things; these behaviours were already in place.
I did come up with a good question, "I wonder how many of his previous girfirends/wives he did NOT yell at or intimdate".
For me, my last 3 boyfriends were not yelling types and I did not yell at them although we had other issues that cause eventual splits.
Thankfully, I have now moved out, seperated cell phone plans and have not talked to him at all. I can bet he has and will continue to tell people it was my fault, there was something wrong with me.
I know that I was the best chance at happiness he had with a woman because I was willing to love him through his recovery.....but see, if he's fine the way he is, there is no need for him to "recover".
I am working on my recovery financially, with Al-Anon and to improve my "picker" because I refuse to consciously allow myself to date another alcoholic or emotionally unavailable man.
Thanks!
giz
I feel I need to share and get this stuff off my chest and into typed text.
First, he would tell me about yelling at other people, like his sister.
Then, he would be drunk and yelling on the phone at his ex. I thought, "Well I'm different and he loves me. He would never yell at me like that". I did tell him to hear that yelling upset me.
Soon, way too soon, our discussions began or led into him yelling. When I would alert him in the moment, he would pull all sorts of excuses out his a$$.
Then, initial contact with him would result in his explosive yelling. Somewhere between here and the last change, he was knocking things over in front of me, moving very quickly and had such an expression of rage on his face, I thought he had lost his mind.
Then came the string of names I never deserved. He would apologize (sometimes not, saying I brought it on myself!). He was not one to promise it wouldn't happen again or want to talk about what had transpired.
I finally convinced him we had to go to couples therapy. We went for 3 sessions and then he bailed by creating some huge arguement which I think resulted from his riding his motorcycle drunk and having a spill on it.
From more reading now, I realize I was not only dating an alcoholic but an abusive man. The alcohol didn't "make" him do these things; these behaviours were already in place.
I did come up with a good question, "I wonder how many of his previous girfirends/wives he did NOT yell at or intimdate".
For me, my last 3 boyfriends were not yelling types and I did not yell at them although we had other issues that cause eventual splits.
Thankfully, I have now moved out, seperated cell phone plans and have not talked to him at all. I can bet he has and will continue to tell people it was my fault, there was something wrong with me.
I know that I was the best chance at happiness he had with a woman because I was willing to love him through his recovery.....but see, if he's fine the way he is, there is no need for him to "recover".
I am working on my recovery financially, with Al-Anon and to improve my "picker" because I refuse to consciously allow myself to date another alcoholic or emotionally unavailable man.
Thanks!
giz
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
I dont know what to say except I ended up marrying the "A".
Wish I would have been here before I did that.
Congradulations on your journey to get your own recovery. It is really tough but as I here you will be soooooo happy.
Wish I would have been here before I did that.
Congradulations on your journey to get your own recovery. It is really tough but as I here you will be soooooo happy.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
but see, if he's fine the way he is, there is no need for him to "recover".
Thank you for that.
I applaud the way that you are handling things and moving on with your life. But mostly, I want to say that taking care of and protecting yourself is what I see as a huge step in recovery and you seem to be doing that well also.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Funny how so many of us thought we were "special" and with us "things would be different" when the red flags were staring us in the face. I'm sorry you had to go through that but I'm glad you've moved on and no longer have to live in fear.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You had the carbon copy of my former AH
Talk about rage. Two of my girlfriends saw the look on his face when he got mad and they were both scared to death. It was actually the look of murderous rage and he was, I believe, actually nuts in the clinical-meaning of the word. It started with the honeymoon phase where I was his "soulmate" and then I began to see the yelling at other drivers on the road, his impatience with "stupid" people, his lack of tolerance for women in general (let's talk bona-fide woman hater here...).
Eventually I got yelled at. I got shoved. I got dragged across floors. I had my arm twisted. Then I got a black eye. Finally I left and to this day I thank God I got out of that insane asylum alive!
Eventually I got yelled at. I got shoved. I got dragged across floors. I had my arm twisted. Then I got a black eye. Finally I left and to this day I thank God I got out of that insane asylum alive!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
Wow! Thanks everybody.
FormerDoormat, I love your tagline, "Wipe your paws elsewhere"
Prodigal. I know exactly what you are talking about! Sometimes, he would get this crazy look, as if I was supposed to be scared. Back then, I didn't connect the look with what he would start doing. I'm sure he used the "look" with others he had already abused or intimidated. See, I loved him, why should I fear him?
I am so sorry to hear you got physically and mentally hurt, you post on SR a lot.
Hugs from me and thanks again everybody! All your replies create feelings of gratitude which are causing my eyes to swell big with tears! I'm glad I'm out also and safe.
FormerDoormat, I love your tagline, "Wipe your paws elsewhere"
Prodigal. I know exactly what you are talking about! Sometimes, he would get this crazy look, as if I was supposed to be scared. Back then, I didn't connect the look with what he would start doing. I'm sure he used the "look" with others he had already abused or intimidated. See, I loved him, why should I fear him?
I am so sorry to hear you got physically and mentally hurt, you post on SR a lot.
Hugs from me and thanks again everybody! All your replies create feelings of gratitude which are causing my eyes to swell big with tears! I'm glad I'm out also and safe.
JstBcuz
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 82
what a great post
and former doormat
"Funny how so many of us thought we were "special" and with us "things would be different"
that quote is from you. Yeah I thought I was different also! I would have done anything for him was still doing what ever he need to make it better for him ,but I seen him mentally and emotionally hurt our son and I have moved on and PUSHING OH SO HARD FOR THE DIVORCE
Best of luck to you all
and former doormat
"Funny how so many of us thought we were "special" and with us "things would be different"
that quote is from you. Yeah I thought I was different also! I would have done anything for him was still doing what ever he need to make it better for him ,but I seen him mentally and emotionally hurt our son and I have moved on and PUSHING OH SO HARD FOR THE DIVORCE
Best of luck to you all
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
The more I come here, the more amazed I am at the similarities - not only within many of us - nurturing, loving, people-pleasing, but also our lives and the situations with our partners.
Mine was a charmer. Very exciting, very fun, very energetic, very creative, very romantic. He was also very angry, very controlling, very critical, very mean, very loud, very dangerous... it depended on the day, the mood, the "trigger"
It's that "VERY" word that is one of my RED FLAGS now.
And, as my dear sponsor used to tell me, Red Flags are NOT to be collected and used as party favors.
Hugs
Cat
Mine was a charmer. Very exciting, very fun, very energetic, very creative, very romantic. He was also very angry, very controlling, very critical, very mean, very loud, very dangerous... it depended on the day, the mood, the "trigger"
It's that "VERY" word that is one of my RED FLAGS now.
And, as my dear sponsor used to tell me, Red Flags are NOT to be collected and used as party favors.
Hugs
Cat
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I just found this in my files and wanted to share:
From the October 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine:
Hedda Nussbaum’s Red flags, First hand advice on how to spot an abuser, or at the very least a controlling man with a capacity for abuse:
1. He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away
2. He hates his mother and is nasty to her
3. He wants your undivided attention
4. He must always be in charge
5. He always has to win
6. He breaks promises all the time
7. He can’t take criticism and always justifies his actions
8. He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong
9. He’s jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men
10. He always asks you where you went and whom you saw
11. He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable
12. He has a mean temper
13. He often says you don’t know what you are talking about
14. He makes you feel like you’re not good enough
15. He withdraws his love or approval as punishment
16. He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.
Powerful list, isn't it?
Cat
From the October 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine:
Hedda Nussbaum’s Red flags, First hand advice on how to spot an abuser, or at the very least a controlling man with a capacity for abuse:
1. He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away
2. He hates his mother and is nasty to her
3. He wants your undivided attention
4. He must always be in charge
5. He always has to win
6. He breaks promises all the time
7. He can’t take criticism and always justifies his actions
8. He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong
9. He’s jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men
10. He always asks you where you went and whom you saw
11. He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable
12. He has a mean temper
13. He often says you don’t know what you are talking about
14. He makes you feel like you’re not good enough
15. He withdraws his love or approval as punishment
16. He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.
Powerful list, isn't it?
Cat
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
I found this amazing site yesterday:
http://www.womansavers.com/articles-for-women/
Here is an example of one of the articles:
From The Abuser's Point of View
by Dawn
I should avoid emotional closeness, because it leaves me vulnerable and open to hurt. I will adopt an attitude of aloofness and indifference to keep my partner from getting a piece of me. Besides, if I let my partner get into my head, I will be under her rule and will be smothered. I will lose myself. To prevent this, I will subconsciously and consciously distance myself from my partner to keep her from overtaking me, while giving her fleeting moments of tenderness to keep her near me.
Heres how Ill go about it.
I will put off her requests for closeness, for talks and for time alone together. I will interrupt her and dismiss her opinions. I will show little interest when she wants to share an insight or a story from her day, and I will not share mine. When she hears me share something with someone else and asks. Why didnt you tell me that? I will say. Or I didnt think youd be interested or I forgot. I will scoff at her interests as well as her choices and habits. Also, I will make sure I dont miss a chance to point out with a tone of superiority and rightness-- how opposite or different her choices and habits are from mine. This helps prove that any attempts at working on our relationship will likely fail, since we are so different and thereby gives me more reason to distance myself.
I will spend my time at home on house projects, watching TV, reading magazines or playing with the kids anything and everything to leave no time for us to have a private moment. I will stay up each night later than her to avoid any closeness when we go to bed, then tell her she needs too much sleep. If I want to have sex, I will wake her from her sleep and began touching her, knowing shell respond because Ive minimized affection and shes craving any intimacy Ill offer. When I am not at home avoiding her, I will pursue activities outside the home and not include her or forget to tell her about my activities until the day of the event, thereby leaving little possibility that she can attend with me.
To keep her within arms reach, I will occasionally throw out a we should do X. I may even really mean to do something with her, but I wont ever make it a priority so that other things I have to do will always come first... I will leave my schedule open to attend whatever event I want, work on any project I want, or go out with friends (without considering that I should find a sitter because I know shell be home). But I will raise a fuss when she decides to take a night off from the house and the kids without getting my OK. After all, she always checks with me to see if Ill be home, so if she doesnt check, she must be punishing me, and I will call her on it. I will evade suggestion from her for a night out together or will commit to a night out grudgingly and without any sign of enthusiasm. When she stops initiating dates for us and then later complains about our lack of fun time, I will (with irritation in my tone) remind her that she needs to initiate it I cant always be the one initiating.
If she asks that we have a talk, I will put on my game face of mild irritation at her demand that I share. I will let her run the talk, not offering much input and not validating her opinions. If she pushes ANY buttons or requests any changes in my behavior, I will unleash my rage and feel it is my entitlement to cut her, criticize, accuse her of riding me and then leave the room or the house, so that she cant continue talking to me. Her talking is just a cover to get a chance to bitch at me anyway. When she sets up a session with a counselor, I will go so that no one can place blame on me for not going. Then I will tell the counselor that the reasons we have problems is that we are very different people so we cant communicate with each other.
Once in a while, I will throw her a crumb and share a thought or a hug with her. Or, at the spur of the moment, I will decide -- without asking her first -- to take her out to dinner so that she cant say to her friends or my family. He NEVER spends time alone with me. I will subvert any attempts from her to talk about us spending more time together during these rare occasions when I do spend a night with her.
I will show disgust at her lack of confidence and insecurities. Then I will bring up her tender spots (insecurities) whenever it helps me gain the upper hand or control in an uncomfortable situation. That way, the focus of whatever comes up is shifted away from me and onto her unreasonable insecurities.
When she reacts to any of this with anger or other high emotions (yelling, getting hysterical, crying, bawling, or walks around joyless and bitter), I will offer very little comfort, concern, reassurance or attention. After all, she is trying to punish me with all her hysterical and depressing emotions, and I dont need the hassle.
Her anger and emotional reactions provide good reasons to keep distancing myself from such an intentionally hurtful person. I will make sure I tell my friends and family that her only moods are depressed, hysterical, joyless and bitter, and nothing I do is ever enough for her. That way I can make an ironclad case that proves to everyone, including myself, that it is her fault when she leaves me.
~~~~~~
From: YOU ARE A TARGET http://www.youareatarget.com/
(GREAT site full of links on dealing with emotional, verbal & psychological abuse)
http://www.womansavers.com/articles-for-women/
Here is an example of one of the articles:
From The Abuser's Point of View
by Dawn
I should avoid emotional closeness, because it leaves me vulnerable and open to hurt. I will adopt an attitude of aloofness and indifference to keep my partner from getting a piece of me. Besides, if I let my partner get into my head, I will be under her rule and will be smothered. I will lose myself. To prevent this, I will subconsciously and consciously distance myself from my partner to keep her from overtaking me, while giving her fleeting moments of tenderness to keep her near me.
Heres how Ill go about it.
I will put off her requests for closeness, for talks and for time alone together. I will interrupt her and dismiss her opinions. I will show little interest when she wants to share an insight or a story from her day, and I will not share mine. When she hears me share something with someone else and asks. Why didnt you tell me that? I will say. Or I didnt think youd be interested or I forgot. I will scoff at her interests as well as her choices and habits. Also, I will make sure I dont miss a chance to point out with a tone of superiority and rightness-- how opposite or different her choices and habits are from mine. This helps prove that any attempts at working on our relationship will likely fail, since we are so different and thereby gives me more reason to distance myself.
I will spend my time at home on house projects, watching TV, reading magazines or playing with the kids anything and everything to leave no time for us to have a private moment. I will stay up each night later than her to avoid any closeness when we go to bed, then tell her she needs too much sleep. If I want to have sex, I will wake her from her sleep and began touching her, knowing shell respond because Ive minimized affection and shes craving any intimacy Ill offer. When I am not at home avoiding her, I will pursue activities outside the home and not include her or forget to tell her about my activities until the day of the event, thereby leaving little possibility that she can attend with me.
To keep her within arms reach, I will occasionally throw out a we should do X. I may even really mean to do something with her, but I wont ever make it a priority so that other things I have to do will always come first... I will leave my schedule open to attend whatever event I want, work on any project I want, or go out with friends (without considering that I should find a sitter because I know shell be home). But I will raise a fuss when she decides to take a night off from the house and the kids without getting my OK. After all, she always checks with me to see if Ill be home, so if she doesnt check, she must be punishing me, and I will call her on it. I will evade suggestion from her for a night out together or will commit to a night out grudgingly and without any sign of enthusiasm. When she stops initiating dates for us and then later complains about our lack of fun time, I will (with irritation in my tone) remind her that she needs to initiate it I cant always be the one initiating.
If she asks that we have a talk, I will put on my game face of mild irritation at her demand that I share. I will let her run the talk, not offering much input and not validating her opinions. If she pushes ANY buttons or requests any changes in my behavior, I will unleash my rage and feel it is my entitlement to cut her, criticize, accuse her of riding me and then leave the room or the house, so that she cant continue talking to me. Her talking is just a cover to get a chance to bitch at me anyway. When she sets up a session with a counselor, I will go so that no one can place blame on me for not going. Then I will tell the counselor that the reasons we have problems is that we are very different people so we cant communicate with each other.
Once in a while, I will throw her a crumb and share a thought or a hug with her. Or, at the spur of the moment, I will decide -- without asking her first -- to take her out to dinner so that she cant say to her friends or my family. He NEVER spends time alone with me. I will subvert any attempts from her to talk about us spending more time together during these rare occasions when I do spend a night with her.
I will show disgust at her lack of confidence and insecurities. Then I will bring up her tender spots (insecurities) whenever it helps me gain the upper hand or control in an uncomfortable situation. That way, the focus of whatever comes up is shifted away from me and onto her unreasonable insecurities.
When she reacts to any of this with anger or other high emotions (yelling, getting hysterical, crying, bawling, or walks around joyless and bitter), I will offer very little comfort, concern, reassurance or attention. After all, she is trying to punish me with all her hysterical and depressing emotions, and I dont need the hassle.
Her anger and emotional reactions provide good reasons to keep distancing myself from such an intentionally hurtful person. I will make sure I tell my friends and family that her only moods are depressed, hysterical, joyless and bitter, and nothing I do is ever enough for her. That way I can make an ironclad case that proves to everyone, including myself, that it is her fault when she leaves me.
~~~~~~
From: YOU ARE A TARGET http://www.youareatarget.com/
(GREAT site full of links on dealing with emotional, verbal & psychological abuse)
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dream
Posts: 88
My ex husband was emotionally and mentally abusive. He is in law enforcement and somehow this has changed him more than you can imagine. He was never so controlling. Life was against him and by god you were going to hear about it everyday of your life and for the rest of mine had I not left. Finances were a joke. A constant argument and work always came first. Recently he started with this joke: because he laughs and says he is not abusive. I have read the book and the list of signs and I can just about check all of them.He goes to get off the phone and says ok now I'll abuse ya later. NICE!!! he actually told me to go get some friends so he woudn't have to entertain me . Seriously I cannot even get into it. my boyfriend has 10 years of recovery and sometimes I swear I have learned everything does not come in a neat package but after that you learn to appreciate the way people treat you. he never argues everything is rational and discussed as adults. Nice to not have that fear of oh what now or what am a walking into tonite. Cetainly some new things I have had to learn but with a very passionate powerful love I have learned them gratefully.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by giz
I found this amazing site yesterday:
http://www.womansavers.com/articles-for-women/
Here is an example of one of the articles:
From The Abuser's Point of View
by Dawn
I should avoid emotional closeness, because it leaves me vulnerable and open to hurt. I will adopt an attitude of aloofness and indifference to keep my partner from getting a piece of me. Besides, if I let my partner get into my head, I will be under her rule and will be smothered. I will lose myself. To prevent this, I will subconsciously and consciously distance myself from my partner to keep her from overtaking me, while giving her fleeting moments of tenderness to keep her near me.
Here’s how I’ll go about it.
I will put off her requests for closeness, for talks and for time alone together. I will interrupt her and dismiss her opinions. I will show little interest when she wants to share an insight or a story from her day, and I will not share mine. When she hears me share something with someone else and asks. “Why didn’t you tell me that? I will say.” Or “I didn’t think you’d be interested” or “I forgot.” I will scoff at her interests as well as her choices and habits. Also, I will make sure I don’t miss a chance to point out with a tone of superiority and rightness-- how opposite or different her choices and habits are from mine. This helps prove that any attempts at working on our relationship will likely fail, since we are so different and thereby gives me more reason to distance myself.
I will spend my time at home on house projects, watching TV, reading magazines or playing with the kids anything and everything to leave no time for us to have a private moment. I will stay up each night later than her to avoid any closeness when we go to bed, then tell her she needs too much sleep. If I want to have sex, I will wake her from her sleep and began touching her, knowing she’ll respond because I’ve minimized affection and she’s craving any intimacy I’ll offer. When I am not at home avoiding her, I will pursue activities outside the home and not include her or forget to tell her about my activities until the day of the event, thereby leaving little possibility that she can attend with me.
To keep her within arm’s reach, I will occasionally throw out a “we should do X.” I may even really mean to do something with her, but I won’t ever make it a priority so that other things I have to do will always come first... I will leave my schedule open to attend whatever event I want, work on any project I want, or go out with friends (without considering that I should find a sitter because I know she’ll be home). But I will raise a fuss when she decides to take a night off from the house and the kids without getting my OK. After all, she always checks with me to see if I’ll be home, so if she doesn’t check, she must be punishing me, and I will call her on it. I will evade suggestion from her for a night out together or will commit to a night out grudgingly and without any sign of enthusiasm. When she stops initiating dates for us and then later complains about our lack of fun time, I will (with irritation in my tone) remind her that she needs to initiate it I can’t always be the one initiating.
If she asks that we have a talk, I will put on my game face of mild irritation at her demand that I share. I will let her run the talk, not offering much input and not validating her opinions. If she pushes ANY buttons or requests any changes in my behavior, I will unleash my rage and feel it is my entitlement to cut her, criticize, accuse her of riding me and then leave the room or the house, so that she can’t continue talking to me. Her talking is just a cover to get a chance to bitch at me anyway. When she sets up a session with a counselor, I will go so that no one can place blame on me for not going. Then I will tell the counselor that the reasons we have problems is that we are very different people so we can’t communicate with each other.
Once in a while, I will throw her a crumb and share a thought or a hug with her. Or, at the spur of the moment, I will decide -- without asking her first -- to take her out to dinner so that she can’t say to her friends or my family. He NEVER spends time alone with me. I will subvert any attempts from her to talk about us spending more time together during these rare occasions when I do spend a night with her.
I will show disgust at her lack of confidence and insecurities. Then I will bring up her tender spots (insecurities) whenever it helps me gain the upper hand or control in an uncomfortable situation. That way, the focus of whatever comes up is shifted away from me and onto her unreasonable insecurities.
When she reacts to any of this with anger or other high emotions (yelling, getting hysterical, crying, bawling, or walks around joyless and bitter), I will offer very little comfort, concern, reassurance or attention. After all, she is trying to punish me with all her hysterical and depressing emotions, and I don’t need the hassle.
Her anger and emotional reactions provide good reasons to keep distancing myself from such an intentionally hurtful person. I will make sure I tell my friends and family that her only moods are depressed, hysterical, joyless and bitter, and nothing I do is ever enough for her. That way I can make an ironclad case that proves to everyone, including myself, that it is her fault when she leaves me.
~~~~~~
From: YOU ARE A TARGET http://www.youareatarget.com/
(GREAT site full of links on dealing with emotional, verbal & psychological abuse)
http://www.womansavers.com/articles-for-women/
Here is an example of one of the articles:
From The Abuser's Point of View
by Dawn
I should avoid emotional closeness, because it leaves me vulnerable and open to hurt. I will adopt an attitude of aloofness and indifference to keep my partner from getting a piece of me. Besides, if I let my partner get into my head, I will be under her rule and will be smothered. I will lose myself. To prevent this, I will subconsciously and consciously distance myself from my partner to keep her from overtaking me, while giving her fleeting moments of tenderness to keep her near me.
Here’s how I’ll go about it.
I will put off her requests for closeness, for talks and for time alone together. I will interrupt her and dismiss her opinions. I will show little interest when she wants to share an insight or a story from her day, and I will not share mine. When she hears me share something with someone else and asks. “Why didn’t you tell me that? I will say.” Or “I didn’t think you’d be interested” or “I forgot.” I will scoff at her interests as well as her choices and habits. Also, I will make sure I don’t miss a chance to point out with a tone of superiority and rightness-- how opposite or different her choices and habits are from mine. This helps prove that any attempts at working on our relationship will likely fail, since we are so different and thereby gives me more reason to distance myself.
I will spend my time at home on house projects, watching TV, reading magazines or playing with the kids anything and everything to leave no time for us to have a private moment. I will stay up each night later than her to avoid any closeness when we go to bed, then tell her she needs too much sleep. If I want to have sex, I will wake her from her sleep and began touching her, knowing she’ll respond because I’ve minimized affection and she’s craving any intimacy I’ll offer. When I am not at home avoiding her, I will pursue activities outside the home and not include her or forget to tell her about my activities until the day of the event, thereby leaving little possibility that she can attend with me.
To keep her within arm’s reach, I will occasionally throw out a “we should do X.” I may even really mean to do something with her, but I won’t ever make it a priority so that other things I have to do will always come first... I will leave my schedule open to attend whatever event I want, work on any project I want, or go out with friends (without considering that I should find a sitter because I know she’ll be home). But I will raise a fuss when she decides to take a night off from the house and the kids without getting my OK. After all, she always checks with me to see if I’ll be home, so if she doesn’t check, she must be punishing me, and I will call her on it. I will evade suggestion from her for a night out together or will commit to a night out grudgingly and without any sign of enthusiasm. When she stops initiating dates for us and then later complains about our lack of fun time, I will (with irritation in my tone) remind her that she needs to initiate it I can’t always be the one initiating.
If she asks that we have a talk, I will put on my game face of mild irritation at her demand that I share. I will let her run the talk, not offering much input and not validating her opinions. If she pushes ANY buttons or requests any changes in my behavior, I will unleash my rage and feel it is my entitlement to cut her, criticize, accuse her of riding me and then leave the room or the house, so that she can’t continue talking to me. Her talking is just a cover to get a chance to bitch at me anyway. When she sets up a session with a counselor, I will go so that no one can place blame on me for not going. Then I will tell the counselor that the reasons we have problems is that we are very different people so we can’t communicate with each other.
Once in a while, I will throw her a crumb and share a thought or a hug with her. Or, at the spur of the moment, I will decide -- without asking her first -- to take her out to dinner so that she can’t say to her friends or my family. He NEVER spends time alone with me. I will subvert any attempts from her to talk about us spending more time together during these rare occasions when I do spend a night with her.
I will show disgust at her lack of confidence and insecurities. Then I will bring up her tender spots (insecurities) whenever it helps me gain the upper hand or control in an uncomfortable situation. That way, the focus of whatever comes up is shifted away from me and onto her unreasonable insecurities.
When she reacts to any of this with anger or other high emotions (yelling, getting hysterical, crying, bawling, or walks around joyless and bitter), I will offer very little comfort, concern, reassurance or attention. After all, she is trying to punish me with all her hysterical and depressing emotions, and I don’t need the hassle.
Her anger and emotional reactions provide good reasons to keep distancing myself from such an intentionally hurtful person. I will make sure I tell my friends and family that her only moods are depressed, hysterical, joyless and bitter, and nothing I do is ever enough for her. That way I can make an ironclad case that proves to everyone, including myself, that it is her fault when she leaves me.
~~~~~~
From: YOU ARE A TARGET http://www.youareatarget.com/
(GREAT site full of links on dealing with emotional, verbal & psychological abuse)
Thanks for posting this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Melbourne, Vic
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by giz
Hey All,
I feel I need to share and get this stuff off my chest and into typed text.
First, he would tell me about yelling at other people, like his sister.
Then, he would be drunk and yelling on the phone at his ex. I thought, "Well I'm different and he loves me. He would never yell at me like that". I did tell him to hear that yelling upset me.
Soon, way too soon, our discussions began or led into him yelling. When I would alert him in the moment, he would pull all sorts of excuses out his a$$.
Then, initial contact with him would result in his explosive yelling. Somewhere between here and the last change, he was knocking things over in front of me, moving very quickly and had such an expression of rage on his face, I thought he had lost his mind.
Then came the string of names I never deserved. He would apologize (sometimes not, saying I brought it on myself!). He was not one to promise it wouldn't happen again or want to talk about what had transpired.
I finally convinced him we had to go to couples therapy. We went for 3 sessions and then he bailed by creating some huge arguement which I think resulted from his riding his motorcycle drunk and having a spill on it.
From more reading now, I realize I was not only dating an alcoholic but an abusive man. The alcohol didn't "make" him do these things; these behaviours were already in place.
I did come up with a good question, "I wonder how many of his previous girfirends/wives he did NOT yell at or intimdate".
For me, my last 3 boyfriends were not yelling types and I did not yell at them although we had other issues that cause eventual splits.
Thankfully, I have now moved out, seperated cell phone plans and have not talked to him at all. I can bet he has and will continue to tell people it was my fault, there was something wrong with me.
I know that I was the best chance at happiness he had with a woman because I was willing to love him through his recovery.....but see, if he's fine the way he is, there is no need for him to "recover".
I am working on my recovery financially, with Al-Anon and to improve my "picker" because I refuse to consciously allow myself to date another alcoholic or emotionally unavailable man.
Thanks!
giz
I feel I need to share and get this stuff off my chest and into typed text.
First, he would tell me about yelling at other people, like his sister.
Then, he would be drunk and yelling on the phone at his ex. I thought, "Well I'm different and he loves me. He would never yell at me like that". I did tell him to hear that yelling upset me.
Soon, way too soon, our discussions began or led into him yelling. When I would alert him in the moment, he would pull all sorts of excuses out his a$$.
Then, initial contact with him would result in his explosive yelling. Somewhere between here and the last change, he was knocking things over in front of me, moving very quickly and had such an expression of rage on his face, I thought he had lost his mind.
Then came the string of names I never deserved. He would apologize (sometimes not, saying I brought it on myself!). He was not one to promise it wouldn't happen again or want to talk about what had transpired.
I finally convinced him we had to go to couples therapy. We went for 3 sessions and then he bailed by creating some huge arguement which I think resulted from his riding his motorcycle drunk and having a spill on it.
From more reading now, I realize I was not only dating an alcoholic but an abusive man. The alcohol didn't "make" him do these things; these behaviours were already in place.
I did come up with a good question, "I wonder how many of his previous girfirends/wives he did NOT yell at or intimdate".
For me, my last 3 boyfriends were not yelling types and I did not yell at them although we had other issues that cause eventual splits.
Thankfully, I have now moved out, seperated cell phone plans and have not talked to him at all. I can bet he has and will continue to tell people it was my fault, there was something wrong with me.
I know that I was the best chance at happiness he had with a woman because I was willing to love him through his recovery.....but see, if he's fine the way he is, there is no need for him to "recover".
I am working on my recovery financially, with Al-Anon and to improve my "picker" because I refuse to consciously allow myself to date another alcoholic or emotionally unavailable man.
Thanks!
giz
Giz - just wanted to say - I had the very same experience - I think you are working through things a tad quicker than me - you seem so much more in control of yourself - I'm still at that pathetic stage of wanting him back - I can't control it! ugh!
All the best to you !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by aussiee
Giz - just wanted to say - I had the very same experience - I think you are working through things a tad quicker than me - you seem so much more in control of yourself - I'm still at that pathetic stage of wanting him back - I can't control it! ugh!
All the best to you !
All the best to you !
I came to SR in 2004 and am NOW just leaving the relationship for good so I don't know about faster but I do feel safer!
I will say it's one thing when you split because you can't stand to see them drunk, spills on their clothes, swaggering and another when they are yelling at you, calling you terrible names and lay their hands on you.
The latter happend along with some seemingly insane threats, "I'm going to have a gang of bikers come and beat you up!". He offered the money for me to move out and I took it.
Everyday, I am very aware of how I feel safe. I don't have the knot in my stomach either worring about his safety or his next explosion at me. He even hurt the animals at the house.
My dog, who was having weekly accidents has NOT HAD ONE ACCIDENT since I moved out. That speaks volumes to me about the stress level.
One thing that helped is I made a folder of things that remind me of what I don't like about being with him, articles about alcoholics, abusive men and co-dependency. Whenever I feel "weak", I reread what's in there. The name of the folder is "Recovery and Strength"
Actually, he called tonight! I have posted the details here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1043034
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
Wish me luck. Tomorrow I go to court to have the Order for Protection (Restraining Order) enforced for a year.
He has kept contacting me by phone, email and finally went as far as requesting my new address from the USPS Postal Service. That was the final straw so I filed. I don't want to wait until he hurts me really bad.
I've been having anxiety since friday as tomorrow approached. I haven't seen him since August 7th but I can clearly remember the "stare" and his rattling off several disrespectful and devauling names.
*sigh*
giz
He has kept contacting me by phone, email and finally went as far as requesting my new address from the USPS Postal Service. That was the final straw so I filed. I don't want to wait until he hurts me really bad.
I've been having anxiety since friday as tomorrow approached. I haven't seen him since August 7th but I can clearly remember the "stare" and his rattling off several disrespectful and devauling names.
*sigh*
giz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
Hello all,
Here's what happened. I arrive early/on time. I met my advocate and she checks if he has arrived. He has and has brought a lawyer. They (my xabf and the lawyer) want me to drop the petition or agree to a "mutual" Order of Protection. WTF! I stick to my guns.
My xabf had 3 choices:
1) Agree to the allegations and the Order for Protection
2) Deny the allegations but agree to the Order for Protection
3) Deny the allegations and the Order for Protection, resulting in an evidenciary trial
He picks #3 and luckily, the judge makes time to have it right then and there. Up until I got into court, I was having the worse anxiety attacks. Would he show up? Would he attack me? Would he give me the evil eye? Had he commited suicide? On and on....
I then provided photos, recorded phone calls, drunk voicemails as evidence. The lawyer tried to discredit the photos because "They did not have a date on them" puhhhlllleeeze. I know he was doing his job.
I went first with my testimony where I recalled what happened. The lawyer then cross examined me. This is where I would have classified him as a sleezy lawyer because he tried hitting below the belt. Once again, I told myself he was doing his job. I could see his hands were shaking so I knew the human in him was upset. The audio mp3 from my ipod of my xabf yelling and swearing at me on the phone upset everyone, I'm pretty sure. My xabf lied on the stand, more than once. I actually got to cross examine him! That was the best part, catching him in his own lies. lol! He also made eye contact with no one. I looked at everyone because I didn't feel I had to be ashamed of anything, not even dating him. I loved him with all my heart, not knowing that besides his alcoholism he was expressing this aggressor behaviour to dominate me and destroy my self-esteem.
The judge then did exactly what they do on TV where they mention strong points from both sides, not indicating which way they are going to rule. The judge ruled in my favor. I was soooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy!
The sad thing is he is in such a state of denial which is aligned with the emotional abuser, covert agressor and the active alcoholic. I would have picked #2 if I was the person alleged against. It only makes me realize more how sick he really is and how his need to control people and situations outweighs reality for him. Winning was important, not acknowledging he had hurt me, attacked me, tried to stop me from calling the police (which in itself is considered domestic abuse) and had done wrong. I tried to make mention of A.A. and a local program called "Men Helping Men With Anger" in the closing once the judge had said he was issuing the order.
I am grateful to my Higher Power I am safe and had the courage to follow through. I love SR Forums!
Tonight, I feel on cloud 9 knowing he cannot keep doing all the annoying yet "innocent" things he was doing. I don't have to worry about him coming to my place in the middle of the night, drunk. I am so thankful I did this.
Me
xabf
Here's what happened. I arrive early/on time. I met my advocate and she checks if he has arrived. He has and has brought a lawyer. They (my xabf and the lawyer) want me to drop the petition or agree to a "mutual" Order of Protection. WTF! I stick to my guns.
My xabf had 3 choices:
1) Agree to the allegations and the Order for Protection
2) Deny the allegations but agree to the Order for Protection
3) Deny the allegations and the Order for Protection, resulting in an evidenciary trial
He picks #3 and luckily, the judge makes time to have it right then and there. Up until I got into court, I was having the worse anxiety attacks. Would he show up? Would he attack me? Would he give me the evil eye? Had he commited suicide? On and on....
I then provided photos, recorded phone calls, drunk voicemails as evidence. The lawyer tried to discredit the photos because "They did not have a date on them" puhhhlllleeeze. I know he was doing his job.
I went first with my testimony where I recalled what happened. The lawyer then cross examined me. This is where I would have classified him as a sleezy lawyer because he tried hitting below the belt. Once again, I told myself he was doing his job. I could see his hands were shaking so I knew the human in him was upset. The audio mp3 from my ipod of my xabf yelling and swearing at me on the phone upset everyone, I'm pretty sure. My xabf lied on the stand, more than once. I actually got to cross examine him! That was the best part, catching him in his own lies. lol! He also made eye contact with no one. I looked at everyone because I didn't feel I had to be ashamed of anything, not even dating him. I loved him with all my heart, not knowing that besides his alcoholism he was expressing this aggressor behaviour to dominate me and destroy my self-esteem.
The judge then did exactly what they do on TV where they mention strong points from both sides, not indicating which way they are going to rule. The judge ruled in my favor. I was soooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy!
The sad thing is he is in such a state of denial which is aligned with the emotional abuser, covert agressor and the active alcoholic. I would have picked #2 if I was the person alleged against. It only makes me realize more how sick he really is and how his need to control people and situations outweighs reality for him. Winning was important, not acknowledging he had hurt me, attacked me, tried to stop me from calling the police (which in itself is considered domestic abuse) and had done wrong. I tried to make mention of A.A. and a local program called "Men Helping Men With Anger" in the closing once the judge had said he was issuing the order.
I am grateful to my Higher Power I am safe and had the courage to follow through. I love SR Forums!
Tonight, I feel on cloud 9 knowing he cannot keep doing all the annoying yet "innocent" things he was doing. I don't have to worry about him coming to my place in the middle of the night, drunk. I am so thankful I did this.
Me
xabf
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