0816

Hi all. I'm feeling about as low as possible now and hope to receive some comfort. Never did a forum before. My husband has started drinking again this summer after a year and a half of sobriety! I am at the end of my tolerance and don't know what to do. I usually have a great life... 2 great kids, beautiful home, doting husbad (when not drunk), many friends, etc. except for the black cloud that's his alcoholism. I've been dealing with his drinking for 16 years (since I was 21) and have tried everything! He sucked down a bottle of vodka last night and then tried hanging out with the kids (8 and 11). It was one thing when they were babies, but I don't want them to see him like that. He was doing so good! What happened? Last night we fought in front of the kids and freaked them out (not typical in our house). I explained that he can't have alcohol and be around us but they seem to blame me. My 8 year old daughter tells me she'll never forgive me if I divorce him. I came home early today and found him home drunk yet again. I'm really starting to hate him. I want out but am afraid of the affect on the kids. Anyone been through this??? Please share if you can.

Thanks!
0816

guyinNC

Welcome to SR! Your not alone. There are many stories here, and lots of advice and comfort.

With a little help from your friends, perhaps you can find some answers.

Wiser folks than me will be along shortly......but I just wanted to say hello and give you a hug!

FormerDoormat

Has your husband been drinking regularly or was last night the first time he drank again? The reason I ask is because it could be what's known as a "slip" as opposed to a full-fledged relapse. Does he attend AA and have a sponsor? If so, he may just need a little reinforcement from other recovering alcoholics or encouragement from his sponsor to get back on track. Or even some encouragement and support from you.

He probably already feels like a failure for giving in to his craving and having a drink. It's been my experience that arguing with or criticizing a person who's had a slip doesn't help. In fact, it just makes matters worse.

Sounds like you and your family have been dealing with this problem for a long time. Have you ever tried Alanon? Many people find it very helpful. Your husband is not the only one who needs encouragement and support during this difficult time. You need some, too.

0816

Dear FDM, Thanks for taking the time to reply. He has a LONG history of lying to me about the drinking so... I think he started at the end of June. He took us all on a camping trip 2.5 hours north for three days in July. The first night at the campsite, he got smashed in front of me in the kids. He had put it in a water bottle and than told me it was just a "slip". This was the third time. I felt like a trapped animal stuck in public with a tent, gear, etc and two kids to distract while he was "zoning" at the fire. All I can think of is "what a "loser"". I tried to let that go so as to not ruin the weekend for my kids. Came back and it happened again in August (when I was supposed to leave him to stay with kids to attend a friend's party). Wound up taking the kids with me and then I called his father to come and get him. Told kids he had a big project at work and would be gone many nights (he's a network engineer so it wasn't a stretch). Stayed out for a little over a week, he begged to come home and swore he was done. I explained that I wasn't sure I could get past this again. I never feel safe with him. I so desperately want that "smooth road" and there are a million bumps while living with him. I have no trust nor any romantic feelings anymore. I am a Christian and view divorce as wrong yet see no other avenue. As I've mentioned, I've been working with hime for years. The past two days have been hell, REALLY! He is passed out upstairs right now. He is assistant coach on my son's baseball team and missed his game for the drink. I feel as if there's no hope anymore. I want something he doesn't seem to be able to give me...security. I am just afraid for my kids. I adore them and can endure almost anything for their well-being, but what's worse, a divorve or life with an alcoholic???

Tried Alanon once and didn't like it. There were a bunch of elderly women who were complaining about their husbands. Can you see that I don't EVER want to be one of them? I'm afraid of that. I'm getting older (38) and don't want to settle into more disfynction (had a mentally ill mother and growing up and hated it!). I just want it gone. Perhaps not all meetings are like that?

Thanks a ton for listening. I really appreciate the feedback.

denny57

Welcome, 0816

I have not been through this myself, so I don't have much to share, but just wanted to say glad you are here and look forward to getting to know you.

Have you tried Al-Anon?

((()))

Just saw your post about Al-Anon; are there any other meetings? It makes me sad when I hear this experience that you had. My meetings are just not like that. Any other support groups in your area? It has been so helpful to me to have others to talk to face to face.

FormerDoormat

Are there any other Alanon groups in your area that you could try? Each one is different. Most folks recommend that you make a commitment to attend at least 6 meetings before you decide that the group isn't for you. That will give you time to settle in, get to know the regulars, and get into your comfort zone. If you're still not comfortable after 6 meetings, then try another group.

I've never been married, but I've been in a committed relationship with my AB for 24 years, so I understand your commitment to your marriage. Divorce might not be an option for you but have you ever considered a separation?

Two years ago when I was at my wits end with my boyfriend and his drinking, I asked him to leave. We were separated for ~10 months. During that time he nearly drank himself into oblivion, reached his bottom, entered detox and then rehab, got his drinking under control and his life in order.

Today, we're a couple again. We spend weekends together but we live in separate homes. I want to make sure he's committed to staying sober before I'll allow him back in my home, or perhaps I'll never invite him back. That way, I won't have to make the heart-wrenching decision to ask him to leave if he should have a full-fledged relapse. Throwing someone I loved out of my home was heart-wrenching enough, and it's something I don't want to ever have to repeat.

LongStrangeTrip

0816 I understand you and I feel you.

My kids watched my AH and I go round upon round over his drinking until I let go and stopped (most of the time) confronting him about 3 years ago.
He KNEW he had a problem but was powerless over it.
We've been married for 12 years and have now been separated for just over a month.
I like you, did not ever want a divorce but now, I have no choice and unfortunately, although he is 30 days sober, he still cannot see that we are apart forever because of his actions while drinking.

He and our son are as close as close can be. When he was sober, at least half of his time he spent with our son. They have a bond that is very strong and right now, I am dealing not only with my AH wanting to come home but with my son's resentment for making his father leave.
He is too young to understand that his father is not here because of himself, not because of me. I find strength in the fact that when he too is a man, he may come to understand that what his father did was terrible, drunk or not and that I dedicated 12 years of my life trying to run interference, making excuses, fighting, struggling, losing my self respect and hurting because I loved his father so much that I didn't want our family to divide because of alcohol.

I have a 17 year old beautiful daughter who's father killed himself when she was 4 because of depression due to his alcoholism. My AH has raised her since she was 5 years old and has been the only father she's ever really known.
A month ago, he came home late in the afternoon on a bender and tried to molest her. I have a protective order to keep him out of our home for the next 6 months...so far. He can barely even remember the whole thing and passed out for 5 hours after it happened.
POWERLESS.
I am telling you all of this because you are not alone and you have to do what you think is best. What I say to anyone is I wish I had forced him out of our home the first time his alcoholism turned our lives upside down, which was an affair. I think that maybe if I had given him his wake up call before it got this bad, we could be living a happy, sober life as a family today. That is my long gone dream.
Now, it's too late.

God Bless you and your children.

0816

LongStrangeTrip, Thanks. Things must be really though for you these days! Why do they have to push us to the point we have no choice but to kick them out? Is the addiction really that bad? Are/were you worried about finances, feeling lonely and nagging from kids? I fear these things. Also, I'm fearful that the court will give him visitation and that he'll drink while caring for my kids. One women said that her husband drove drunk with kids and almost killed them!

12 years is a ton of time to try and get someone to get it together. You sound like a great mother and wife. I'm sorry that you tried everything and still had to split. It stinks! How have things been going for you? How old's your son and how's it affecting him a month later?

Thanks for sharing... it helps. 0816

Grasshopper

Hi,when i came to recovery rooms,i had,had it with ourmarriage.My sponsor advised me,to not,make,any, emotional or other-wise,decisions,until i have more recovery.Through working the 12 steps.Then i would be more clearer,and i was.
I can realte.We were married 20 years when i came into programs.With kids.We are happily together today.its trully a miracle.
You say that your kids blame you.Mine do to.it was my self-rightousness,that they were peaved of at.They seemed to understand,or have an understanding of their Dad.So i let this go.Its good to live a rightous life,but self-rightouness,is harmful,to me and to others.I started to work on my own recovery.This helped to make a difference in our family.I saw where i played my part in all the stuff going on.And learned a new and different way.
Cant tell you what to do,or what will happen.However when you start your recovery,you will know what to do,if anything.You will intuvitually,know.
Thanks for letting me share,
God,s Peace be with you and your family,
My prayers are with you all.

TexasGirl

Hi 0816 -- I too am a Christian. I am still in the very depths of leaving, but once I decided to do so, it has been amazing how things have fallen into place for me so far. I don't think it's been an accident... ((0816))

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... I can feel that you are at your wits end and I totally understand.

One thing I had to work very hard on and still do is to NOT react what what is happening. Sounds weird I know but when something happens and my emotions are raw I will react and make decisions that might not be in my best interest. I usually have to give it enough time for the "emotion" to die out some and then I can start making some decisions about whatever is happening.

I agree with the other is getting yourself some support.... Al-anon, Theraphy just something to help you start and work on your own recovery. I have heard often that its the non-drinking parent that the children resent... mostly cuz its the non drinking parent that looses their temper and has more resentments because of having to clean up the mess...

Trust me when I say we have been there in one form or another. I have been a single Mom pretty much since my daughter was 2 years old, she is now 17 and Im here to tell you that is not easy either..... though I dont regret my decision one minute.

I look forward to getting to know you! keep posting and reading... there are solutions out there.

Missy

((( ))))


missyxo

kmagk

I too am a Christian who really hates the idea of Divorce. I met my husband when I was 14, we married when I was 20. We haev been married for going on 9 years, only 22 of those months were sober. He has now been out of the house since Dec 03. I truly thought I could make it work. Make it work, huh, the power I must have? I finally decided that I've seen my husband get almost 2 years in and screw up, will he ever get it together for good? I sure hope so, but I'm not sticking around in the marriage to find out. I will not risk my children's safety to find out. During his longest stint of sobriety, the almost 2 years, we had the perfect life. Picket fence and all, never argued; went for rides with the kids to get snoballs, attended church together, we had it all. Then he screwed up, relapsed -got a dui, spent our daughter's birth in jail. How could someone let a drink take away their freedom to witness their child's birth? I don't know, I don't think he could quite help himself, but I don't get it. NO one was holding a gun to his head forcing him to drink, in fact it was just about the opposite. I don't know, I wish I could change it all back to the way it was as I'm sure he does, but I will not spend another night crying, hiding in my child's crib waiting for him to pass out. I am a 29 year old mother of 3 children, I want to start worrying about their future and saving for their college, no more bails bondman's. I want to play with my children in the park, no more sitting in court crying or at the p.o's office. I'm done and I pray to GOd he gets it together for his sake and theirs. I thought if we stay together I wont have to worry about him visiting with the kids and getting drunk, but as much as I love him and don't want to hurt him my kids come 1st and I will get sole custody till he gets it together. No need for life to be a living hell.We all deserve better.SOrry for rambling, I truly feel for you, you have my thoughts and prayers.

0816

Thanks, KMAGK. I feel fortunate that my husband hasn't had a dui in recent years. He has driven drunk, though. Don't we have a right to try and have a happy marriage? Show our kids that marriage isn't a miserable thing but should be wonderful? Like you, the past year and a half were the best in our 16 years. What the $#@& happened to that? Why would they play with that much sobriety? I've been told it will last a lifetime and that totally freaks me out! I want stability for my family, not this constant yo-yo garbage I've been living all summer. I do agree it's smart to make wise decision when in a batter emotional state. I had my kids the same age you did and I'm STILL dealing with it at 38! You go girl! Good for you for finding the courage to demand a better life. Have to ask, though... do you think it's sinful for us to seek divorce? I've heard separation is fine but divorce (other than infidelity) is wrong. My gut tells me that God understand the heartache I feel. Did/do you struggle with these things?

Thanks a ton for the support!
0816

0816

Thank you. Stay strong and know that you're not alone (I feel alone lots of the time). Was leaving difficult?

0816

kmagk

Do I think it's sinful to ask for a divorce? Good question. I know God hates divorce and I certainly don't want to go down that path. My own pastor asked me, "what does a guy have to do to make you leave him?" I guess there is no simple answer, My marriage was not really a marriage. I mean my husband wasn't there to protect, honor and love me, he was drunk. He was drunk the day b4 our wedding and the day after, it's amazing he made it to the altar. He was drunk on our honeymoon and he was drunk for all but 1 of every holiday and birthday. Is it sinful to ask for a divorce? most likely it is, just as it is sinful to; have sex before marriage, curse, drink foolishly, steal and do so many other things. Just because sin is a normal part of life doesn't make it acceptable, but my faith tells me that Jesus died on the cross so that my sins would be forgiven and if I believe that than I will have eternal life. As the saying goes, "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven" Now I'm not saying that makes divorce okay and my no means should it be an easy solution. It is the most difficult thing in the world for me. I just filed the papers and now I am worrying about how I could serve him the papers with the least amount of embarrassment. I spent just about my whole marriage worrying about him and I am tired, physically drained from it all. He certainly wasn't worried about being embarrassed when the police were called to our house or his work or he was crawling out of dumpsters or when he called my son's school drunk. This man went from owning a home, a busn, having 3 beautiful children, no legal situations to crawling out of dumpsters, being in & out of jail, borrowing money from other homeless people. There are too many stories and way too much drama, I am not giving up on my marriage b/c I am tired of it or b/c it's embarrassing but b/c it is dangerous. Too many times; he left my kids home alone so he could get a drink, he drove drunk w/ the kids, he became suicidal and had knives laying around. Way too many issues and I really think God has a better plan for us all. My husband may be on the road to recovery this time, I don't know, but I think if I took him back, I'd be taking him up a notch from hitting his bottom and he'd be right back where he started. Each situation is unique and I don't know much about your story all I know is I just rebuilt my life back up and I don't want it taken from me again or worse... one of my children to get hurt. He wasn't violent, just stupid when drunk, which led to many dangerous situations. Situations that I'm not willing to risk going through again.

0816

kmagk, Thanks. WOW, you are totally right in leaving a situation that's dangerous. I see that as a non-brainer. You're a courageous woman!! I thought about this alot and think that when God said he hates divorce, he was probably applying that to a couple who was living a Godly lifestyle. What happens when one of you strays so far from that? I can't imagine we'd be expected to stay in that when it is so emotionally draining to us and our children. Also, what example does it set for the kids? They will grow up thinking marriage is misarable and full of embarassment and disappointment. A friend stayed for over 25 years with her husband and all 5 of her kids have been seriously affected by it. I'm going to seperate for a while and see what happens. Can't handle any more than that right now. Sounds like you're surviving alright. Was it hard on the kids to have him leave? Were you in financial trouble when he left?

Thanks so much, you really seem to know how I feel.

outonalimb

(((0816))))

I've wrestled with the divorce issue for several years.

My exhusband (yes, I divorced him almost exactly one year ago) was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I knew he was probably an alcoholic when I married him but I thought he would 'settle down' after we got married. I was very naive and ignorant about addiction at that point in my life.

The drinking caused problems in our marriage...but nothing like what happened when he decided to give heroin a try. He didn't start using drugs until our son was 2 years old. The happy life we used to have together was systemmatically destroyed. Many hurtful and painful things happened because of his addiction...financial ruin...sleepless nights...lots of disappearing acts on his part...but the most damaging thing to our marriage was the lying. Constant lying...CONSTANT! It got to the point where I didn't believe a word he said...about anything.

I feared divorce. I never pictured myself divorced. I was, I thought, in it for the long haul. I signed us up for a marriage encounter weekend sponsored by our church at a point where I thought he MIGHT be clean...hoping and praying that somehow, someway our marraige could be salvaged. I never knew when he was using...he was really good at hiding it. I learned three weeks after that weekend that my exah was high the whole time. Wow..here I was trying to do anyting and everything to make our marriage work and he was getting high during this marriage retreat.

I used to think divorce was a sin. I prayed for God to save our marriage and to heal my husband. It didn't happen. I believe that divorce WAS the answer to my prayers...not the answer I wanted or hoped for...but the answer just the same. My obligation as a mother outweighs any obligation I have as a wife. I simply could not provide my son with a loving, stable home when my exah was using and lying. I knew my exah was going to take me down with him if I didn't leave...I started out with just a separation and no intention of filing for divorce right away. Its amazing what clarity you can gain about a situation when you step away from it for a while. After I left, my exah's drug use and lies continued...and finally, I decided that I had to file for divorce. I had no choice.

I believe that God has been with me every step of this journey.
I also belive that he knows why I did what I did...
I'm not afraid of facing God on judgment day anymore.
I feel at peace because I consulted HIM thru prayer with every major decision that I"ve made during the last 4 years.

God is with you.
God knows your struggles...he knows what is in your heart... I believe that he is a loving God... and even if divorce is a 'sin', I believe that I have already been forgiven.

My prayers are with you...

kmagk

Thank you Outonalimb & the quote you have listed by E.M Forster has really helped me this year.
O816, yes, we are surviving just fine. It's not smooth sailing, but God is getting us through and we are happy and safe. Finances are a drag, BUt they have been since my AH decided in March of 2003 that he would rather drink than go to work. Thank God, we had some savings and credit, which have since been depleted. I was pregnant and only working p/t. Thankfully our benefits were through my employer, I have a govt job and simply had the better benefits. Things are touch, I had to go back to work full time, thank God I had that option, my mom quit her job so she could stay with my children. I am fortunate to work shift work so I still have off quite a few days during the week to participate in my kids daily lives. Life is not how I planned, but we're getting there. I don't know what God's plan is for us, I just pray I'm heading in the right direction.
I guess the most difficult lesson in all of this for me has been, "Let go and let God" He can't fix it, if you don't give him all the pieces. You can't pray for God to help your AH, while you are trying to do it on your own and the reason for that is God doesn't need your help, he needs your faith, He is perfectly capable of handling this on His own, just might not be what you had in mind. ((0816))

0816

KMAGK and Outonalimb, can't tell you how encouraging it is to hear that you're on the other side of this and doing just fine. That's really all I want to hear. Guess you reach a point where you realize they are probably never going to REALLY change. I am hoping for the clarity you refer to with this separation. Mostly, I'm nervous for how it may affect my kids. My 11 year old son is embarassed that his dad isn't staying here. I feel so badly about that. I almost wish I had done this when they were much younger. I, too loved the quote. It's awesome! God bless and thanks for support! Enjoy the day!