Morning Glory

I'm just a little confused lately.

My son took off to Arizona and is out in the middle of no where someplace with no phone. I have no address and the letting go thing is hitting hard.

I look back at the last year and I'm second guessing everything I did. In a year I put him out in the cold 3 times. Called the police on him 3 times and put him in the hospital 3 times because he was abusive or suicidal.

I stopped giving him any money and stopped helping him at all. It just feels that all of this caused damage that can't be repaired. I am grieving and wishing that maybe there was something else I could have done or some other way I could have handled things. I don't know if we can ever be close again. I'm missing him and usually I can pick up the phone and give him a quick call, but I can't do that now.

I'm thinking of all the awful things I did in the name of recovery and wondering what happened. I just wish I could make it better again.

Thanks for listening.

Hugs,
MG

Ann

MG

Everything you did to and for him, you did out of pure love, with maybe some self-defence thrown in. You have done every possible thing a mother could do to try to help him, including not enabling him, which shows more love than anything.

You took him in, you talked to him in decent conversations about issues in both your lives, you showed him in every way possible how very much you love him. And my guess is that he knows that right now. You showed him where help is and encouraged him. You did everything in your power to help. All the rest is out of your power and in God's hands.

I know your pain. I know the grief, fear and sadness that goes with not knowing where they are or if they are alive. As I said once before, we have walked this road together, you and I, and we know instinctively how the other feels.

Our sons are both very sick boys. We wish they were well again, and we have seen brief periods where they were well and once again the beautiful adult children we love. But we cannot cure them. We can pray and we can wait. But we can't make it happen.

My heart, hugs and prayers go out for you. You know that. And I guess I just want to remind you what a wonderful person and mother you are. Always have been.

We can't give up hope, MG. And miracles do happen. The very fact that they are alive today is a miracle.

He knows how to reach you, and one day he will. Just out of the blue he will call or show up. So be good to yourself and know that God watches over them.

Morning Glory

Thank you Ann.

I think I'm going through some grief here.

I can always count on you to pull me back up out of the mud.

A lesson in recovery. Don't sit in dirt when you cry, lol.

Hugs,
MG

Josie

M.G.,
I get just as confused as you are right now.
Your son knows he could not continue his
behavior around you-he was hurting you and
himself. I know he will call and let you know
he is O.K., he loves you. I've had terrible rows with my oldest, and there is a no trust thing between us. I'm hoping one day we can repair it, but it's not going to happen right now. The things you have done to
protect yourself and your son are things
I should have done, and beat myself up for.
My prayers are with you and your son,I know you would just like to hear from him and know he is safe.

Love and hugs,

Josie

One of these days I'm going to be able to
send a reply like Anns.

Hugs,

Morning Glory

It doesn't take much of an excuse for us to beat ourselves up Josie. That is why we can't be trusted with the skillet yet. I think we would be safe holding the net though.

Who has the net now???

phoenix

Hoping this helps...


When I was in my early teens I had lots of trouble being at home.Just always seemed to clash with my family.Ran away many times.Got locked up in jails and institutions.By the time I was fifteen,my mom was forced to let me go.It's expensive to keep tracking a kid down and locking her up.Heartbreaking too.

For a few years I traveled the country,rarely phoning home,and visiting even less.And then one day I called her from a carnival lot in Las Vegas.As soon as she heard my voice she broke down and cried.See,she'd been on her way out the door to go down to the morgue.They'd found the body of a young girl and thought it might be me.She'd been asked to come in and see if she could indentify her.My phone call spared her that experience,but just barely.And it didn't spare her the agony of thinking that I'd been killed.

My life changed that day.Somehow it had never occurred to me that I was breaking my mom's heart.I think of that as the day I became an adult.And I began to see that my mother was a loving human being who had done her best,and had always acted out of love.We've talked,and I've made amends to her over the years.She knows now that she isn't responsible for the hardships I endured in those earlier years.We've grown very close.I phone home often just to tell her that I love her.

Hopefully in time,your son will see the same things that I did.Some of us just take a very long time to grow up

phoenix

Ann

Phoenix

Thank you for sharing that beautiful story. It really touched my heart today and I needed to read that as much as MG.

And Josie - LOL - some day I hope to be able to respond like YOU. You and Smoke can say so much in so few words. I just seem to ramble on and on.

Morning Glory

That does help phoenix,

I'm so glad for you and your mother.

There are happy endings

Hugs,
MG

Josie

Phoenix,
I cried when I read your reply, there are
days that I think there is just no hope and
you gave that back to me today. Thank you
for sharing. I know that helped all of us
Mom's today.

And Anns, if that's rambling-that's darn
good rambling.

M.G., if you find the net-you keep it cause
I would just get tangled in it

Hugs,

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi MG.

First of all, a big hug. (((((((((((( MG! ))))))))))))))

You can't blame yourself for the path your son has chosen, any more than you would pat yourself on the back if he cleaned up. You put him out because his behavior was unacceptable in your home. You called the police because he was threatening you. You put him in the hospital because his life was in immediate danger. You stopped giving him money because he bought drugs or alcohol with it. Tell me, where did you go wrong? Noplace I can see. In every case his behavior brought on the consequence. He knows the ropes and he knows the rules. What are you thinking would have been the result if you had behaved otherwise? A very contented coma victim? A serene convict? Happy little battles in your home? Nothing you could have done would have created peace in him. He has to find that himself. All you did was try to keep his chaos from becoming yours, and through it all you loved him. We can be as distant from our loved ones when they are using as we are if they are in Arizona or Armenia, for that matter. Geography doesn't define the distance, only state of mind does that. It's natural that you miss him, but remember that you were already missing him when he was sitting in the next room. It's his disease, or mental condition, or attitude, or addiction, or whatever you want to call it that makes the distance. And he is in charge of that.

Love and hugs,
Smoke

matters

I wish I could be there with you to give you a GREAT BIG HUG!!

Telling you not to worry MG is a request that cannot be accomplished because of the kind of mother that you are. That kind is one that has ALWAYS loved and ALWAYS been there for her son no matter what!! I bet he is wearing his WAL-Mart jacket right now and thinking about how grateful he is for having a Mom like you. One day he will beable to tell you that himself.

Prayers, hugs and More hugs to you ********** MG }}}}}
matters

Stephanie

I am going to give this a shot too. I hope it helps.

My parents were the biggest enablers in the world. They were in such deep denial, no matter what I did, I always knew I could call home and get whatever it was fixed. I once called them after I had hit someone with my car and didn't have a license or license plates. All I had was an expired registration and REALLY good insurance that they paid for. When I say I hit someone with my car, I don't mean that they were driving one too. (I hate this story, every-time I tell it I get the chills) The guy I hit is all better now. I stopped calling him when he was able to walk again.

My insurance paid the guy but I knew this wasn't the end of it considering all of my legal infractions. I flew my boyfriend out to CA and him and I drove cross country where I proceeded to change over all of my car stuff, license, reg, ins, to my parents address. They helped me do it and paid for it all. Then, they paid to have the car shipped back to CA.......I actually forget why now, probably some lie I made up. Anyway, the moral of the story is that these kind of things happened to me all the time. I don't know if they knew I was using or they were in denial or what but they always got me out of anything I got myself into. And let me tell you, that story was just the tip of the iceberg. It just gave me a clean slate to keep on using and that's just what I did.

I don't blame my parents in the least bit but I do think I would have reached a bottom a lot sooner if they hadn't helped me so much and it probably wouldn't have been such a physically self destructive bottom. My mother still blames herself, even though she really had no clue what she was doing.

So anyway, that's my experience. Eeh, for some reason dredging this up has made me sick to my stomach

JT

(((((MG)))))

You and I, too, have walked this path together and I feel like you can read my mind and me yours.

Not that long ago after a conversation with the Beav I was feeling like you. You see, he had gone off on one of his tangents about how I have never done anything for him. He laid the guilt on really effectively. I was laying in bed and found myself crying and unable to sleep. The "committee" was hard at work in my head telling me what a horrible person I was.

To this day I don't know why.... because I had never done anything like it before... but I got out of bed and wrote him a letter. In it I wrote down all of the things I HAD done for him that went unappreciated. And the list was long...I kept it to a year because at the time I thought I might send it but I never did. When I went back to bed I slept.

It is far too easy to blame ourselves and that one act has kept me from doing that since. I have written one more unsent letter to him and it felt just as good as the first. But I will never forget how much better I felt that first time. I hope this helps.

Phoenix...thank you for the post...it meant the world to me.

Hugs,
JT

journeygal

(((((((((MG))))))))

You know, the only "awful" thing you've done in the name of recovery is the second guessing you're going through now. And, that's not really so awful, except for the added grief you're needlessly bringing on yourself. You've done all the right things, in the name of love, personal security, AND recovery.

Lots of hugs,
JG

Stephanie

Hi MG,

I had hoped you knew what I was getting at there, I think after I started writing, I felt kind of, like I said, sick to my stomach, and I didn't really state what I was trying to say to you, which is:...... sort of to reiterate what Ann was saying that you are doing certain things for him, out of love, even though it may not seem that way. If you do save him, it will just keep him out there longer but if you let him experience his own consequences, it may save his life.

Sorry if I wasn't clear

((((((((((MG)))))))))

I am so glad there's cross talk on threads

Morning Glory

What a gift this thread has been. Each of your lives has become a gift to others and that's how I receive it.

Those "well" people don't know what they're missing out on.

You guys are all priceless.

Thank you.

Hugs,
MG

deedee

((((MG))))

When my son first hit the streets a few years ago, I didn't hear from him for months at a time. I did a lot of praying for his safety, but the truth was that even if he did call, unless he was ready for help, there wasn't a whole lot to say. I had reached a point where I knew I could not have a relationship with him in his addiction - to say he was not very nice to be around is a serious understatement. Still, an occasional phone call to check in went a long way to quell my anxiety.

I had a little bit of recovery at the time - was going to f2f meetings for about 3 months and online meetings at a different site. At the time, it seemed so simple or maybe I was still too darn naieve. I saw it like this - 1) I let go; 2) he hits bottom; and 3) he gets help. Well, this all went as planned, except that he walked away from the help after 7 days and I had set myself up for a fall that may have been my lowest bottom in all of this. I wallowed and I grieved for a good long time, and after a month or more I had to kick my own self in the butt and reach out for more knowledge and more help. The isolation was terrible and I still fight it every day.

I know I tend to analyze every action and reaction I have with my son and the possible effect it may have on his actions. Why is that? I don't do this with a single other person in my life. Methinks I think too much where he is concerned.

I just wanted to let you know I can relate to what you're feeling, I've tried helping him and I've tried letting go, and I just have to believe that someday he will find his way. I want this so much for all of our loved ones.

I pray that you will hear from your son soon to set your mind at ease.

hugs,
deedee

p.s. Thanks so much Phoenix and Searching for sharing your stories. It helps so much.