blizzard77

to make it a good one. As some of you know AH has been sober 6months and has had alot of tough times (jail, due to unpaid child support, depression, moodiness). He attends AA when he's off so I'm sure he'll fit a meeting in today but I don't want today to be all talk about recovery...which eventually leads to my hurt feelings..which then leads to him feeling guility and isolating ourselves from eachother. I tend to TALK TOO much somethimes LOL. I'm too serious, instead of enjoying the moment. I'm always wanting to know what he's feeling inside and find myself hurt when he can't or don't want to tell me. We see a theapist in a week, so I guess I leave that up to the professionals.
I just want to enjoy his company without a cloud of uncertainity hanging over my head. He said "he's ready to start rebuiding our friendship". I am too. I miss him and the fun we used to have. We were thinking about fishing but it's raining right now so who knows. He needs to sleep in as he's worked doubles the past 6 days, so I'm going to get out and do some shopping and see if he's awake when I return. For me, today will be a challenge. Thinking before I speak, being considerate of his feelings and not trying to pry into his thoughts about his recovery. I so hope we can reconnect on some sort of level or at least begin to. Thanks for listening.

kermit

I send you all my strength today, I hope you get what you need out of this day. Since it's raining maybe a move and dinner(cook toghether) try something new, I will be thinking of you all day.. I hope it goes well..
Kermit

denny57

I believe this is possible, blizzard. I think everything takes time. I hope the counseling helps. I don't believe life has to be filled with dread and uncertainty - it's meant to be enjoyed.

All good thoughts coming your way for a great day.

ASpouse

He will never be the man you miss ...... he will be different. Remember, the man you miss was the drinking man, not the sober man.

You will be facing some very tough decisions in the future.

Just be yourself, do not try to be something you are not in the hopes of making him happy, feeling better about himself. You will regret that down the road. Just be yourself. I'm sure you are considerate of his feelings, don't try to be hyper considerate of them to spare him hurt feelings. This is a tough part of recovery. Good Luck! I'm still working on it, 3 years later.

brooklynborn

I hope it was a good day for you both. Just thinking of you!
brooklynborn

blizzard77

Boy, you are so right. He's different. I mean I already knew that but he has this wall up that is too high and thick for this one woman to get through. We did talk and basically he is at a point right now where he feels as though he IS HIS MISTAKES and nothing more. Of course I told him that is absoutely not true but why would he listen to me? He's all about beating himself up and if he's not doing that he's pushing those he loves and who love him away from him by isolating himself. I told him that I can't continue to live in this way much longer. I need him, and he's emotionally shut himself off to me. I want more out of a marriage than what he's giving. He's in pain and hopefully this therapist can get him to open up to him. I told him that I loved him for who he is and have stopped defining who he is based on the mistakes he's made, I forgiven him. He can't forgive himself. I CAN'T fix his feelings and I know that so all I can do is take care of myself and that includes being honest with him emotionally about what I want and need in a marriage. I was honest and straight forward not manipulative like I used to be in order to get what I wanted and needed from him.
Who would've thought quiting is only the first part, the honeymoon phase so to speak. I understand that it's going to be a long bumpy road and if he commits to therapy I will do the same. If not I don't think we have much to work with in which case I'm going to have to accept the reality of it and make decisions that are best for me.

deax

Just wanted to say thanks for your first post, really. I understand it very well- especially the part about: "I tend to TALK TOO much somethimes LOL. I'm too serious, instead of enjoying the moment. I'm always wanting to know what he's feeling inside and find myself hurt when he can't or don't want to tell me. " I did the same thing, countless times, which I think now was just to put myself at ease and entertain my delusions about having control. If I had all the information I could anticipate/prevent, etc... It didn't help either of us in the long run when I would push things endlessly like that.

As for him being unable to forgive himself, I can relate to that too. My bf used to constantly talk about how guilty he was about so many things, from 25 years ago up to a week ago. And in his meetings a few times that was the topic, I remember he would come home and tell me that he shared on it, so that must be a fairly common emotional issue for people in recovery when their addiction have left so much destruction in its wake. So hopefully for his sake he'll find a way to work through those emotions and get a handle on them...

But you sound good and I wish the best for you both.

Zoey

blizzard, my thought is 6 months sober is not very long, might I ask if you have read "Under the Influence"?? It gives us info on the Whys.

Ask me how I feel?? That would throw me off.
No one has ever asked me how I feel, except a PHD or counselor etc.
Then I think I made up something. Guess my mind is thick, as probably I was thinking about what I was being asked and what I was supposed to learn.

How was I feeling, "well I had anxiety, born with that, glad I don't have a headache, etc. "

It is my belief it takes more than 6 months to start thinking clearly , and feelings come and go.

Just my 2 cents, take what you can use and leave the rest.
Caring (Hugs))

blizzard77

Thanks Zoey,
I haven't read under the influence but will get myself a copy tomorrow. I really just don't understand.
Last night he said" I don't know what I feel, I don't know what I want, I don't even know why I'm sitting here watching football?" " I guess I just feel like that's what I'm supposed to do." He says " All I think about is work and making money to pay off my debts." " I have off Wednesday and I'm in a panic, what will I do? He said when he's at work (wait tables) he's this different guy. Patron's of the restuarant ask "are you always this happy?" Co-workers ask the same thing. He has a wonderful dry sense of humor and easily charms people with that, he's always been that way even when drinking. But, then it's home, off to HIS room reading a book about how to master your chess game cause some guys at AA play.
I asked him before I went to bed what he needed from me and he said " I want you to hate me, I don't want you to forgive me. I've f'd everything up, not you. It almost like looking at me reminds him of the destruction he's caused in the past. So, I guess I just need to stay away for right now. Wait for the therapy appointment and stop tying to understand the insanity. Thanks Again, I'll get the book tomorrow.

blizzard77

Oh and thank you as well deax. I need all the support and sharing of personal experiences I can get. I'm so greatful for you guys.

Zoey

PS, Book a bit difficult at first, was fpr me, I had two big words too much alike, but very important to keep seperate, so I got different colored high lite pens. Really helped me.

It is a book to keep, as like the AA Big Book, the more times we read it the more we learn. Have you read the Big Book??
Can be found on line.

blizzard77

Yes, I've read most of the Big Book and re-read codependant no more monthly for the past 3 months. Plus I have the language of letting go so I read that daily, and some alanon literature. I need a new book. Under the Influence must be a good one if it came highly recommended by you. Thaks Again.

Zoey

Several on this site swear by the book "Under the Influence" All others are very good also, such as "Getting them Sober" misleading names IMO, as we
can't get them sober. Everything is suggestions, to help them, us, to
" find the want to"

Cynay

Wow if you find a way to master that talking too much and digging into their heads/hearts Please bottle it and send me some.

I do that all the time, I have been told that I think too much. I read between the lines and over think almost everything.... Im so working on correcting that behavior and Im just not sure how. When I feel emotionally threatened in a relationship is when Im the worse at it too....

blizzard77

I hear ya. He just called me in between shifts to tell me he realizes he's been isolating himself and feels it only got worse after he had to spend five days in jail for his child support business. I've heard from others it's a pretty bad jail in terms of jails if that makes sense. I remember when he got home he threw all of his clothes out including his brand new flip flops. He shaved his head bald and shaved his gotee (spelling). He's a little man (LOL he'd kill me if he knew I said that, but I don't mean in the terms he may take it). 5'6" 175lbs and he was literally scared for his life. I know/he knows he did it to himself but he says he just can't stop thinking about it. On top of all the other stuff he can't seem to deal with that just is the icing on the cake so to speak. He really needs professional help and he said " I hope this therapist is good". " I need help, with what's going on in my head." In the meantime, back to codependant no more. God I love that book. I can't even count how many times I refer to it in times like these. Can't help him but I can help myself!!!!