Hurting Inside

I cant take it anymore. I really cant. i cant walk past the couch and see her just sitting there and pretend everything in my life is peachy. I wish for just once i could get the courage and the strenght to just break down and tell someone everything. but i cant do that cause if i were too i would be labeled. I wish my life was normal. i wish i didnt feel so alone when i have people to depend on. I hate how no one in my life knows that this smile is fake and that inside im really breaking down.

I know theres help out there and i know there are people i could turn to. But i just feel like no one even cares. I know people care. i know they do but no one has ever showed me that they do. One thing in life i want is a mom. a mom i can trust and not have to look at her and think im the problem and that if i left she wouldnt even cry. I know she would but why do i think she wouldnt?

More than anything i want to be loved by someone but than i just wanna have my space. I push everyone in my life away cause if i get to close they might want out. I wish i could tell people what happened at that party but i cant cause its my fault. I shouldnt have even drank those beers or gone to the room with him.

Theres so much i can say but ill just stop now cause im just venting

thanx for reading

Ashley

Minx1969

Hey there Ashley...

It's ok sweetie..we're here for you to vent..

Don't worry about being labelled...See to me - it's the strong people who cry and let it out and it's the unhappy people who hold it in...

But that's just me. As my sponsor in Alanon taught me "what other people think about you is none of your business."

And you know what? She's right..

I know what it feels like to want a mom....I'm 37 and I still want my mom...but the mother I have been given and the mother I wanted are two separate things...(My mom isn't an alcoholic but she's certainly not healthy either)...

For me..I found other "moms' to give me the love and support I need..There are plenty of moms (and non moms) on this board that love you virtually.

So what happened at the party?? Why do you think it's your fault???

I'm hoping that you will go to Alateen...It will help for you to have other teens in your situation that you can talk to...

denny57

(((ashley)))

I sometimes have felt no one cared, either. You will find people who will show you they care - they will listen to you and support you and you may wonder, like I did, how did I ever think no one cared?

You have an awful lot going on in your life at 15 (almost 16). Your mom, the anorexia, the stress of what you did at the party (I don't know what that is, but you obviously feel badly about it) and no one to talk to. I hope your dad will agree to let you go to Alateen.

Ashley, who have you talked to? I saw in another post you went to counseling for the eating disorder; have you ever seen a therapist? I have found it has really helped me understand why I have done the things to myself that I have, or hung out with the people I did, and all that. Help is out there - you are not alone.

I'm glad you're here and reaching out for some understanding. It's a good first step. Vent any time, someone is always here to listen.

Hurting Inside

I'd rather not talk about it on the board.

i havent gone to a therapist. I have been thinking about going but havent got the nerve to ask my dad. I think i would get more out of alateen than the therapist but with the theripist i would probably talk more about my feelings. I dunno but my dad said hes going to see a therapist on tuesday about my mom and hes gonna ask about alateen. so ill just wait and see what happens on tuesday.

Thank you guys for taking the time to post something.

take care

Ashley

MissesNormalDaD

Ashley

I'm sorry about your mom...dont feel so bad...my dad is laying on the couch also drunk...i know that might not make you feel any better but the same thing is happening to me.

Vent away because we are all here for you. I hope you get through it...1 day at a time.

Sincerley,
Ryan

denny57

That's true, I think. Both might be grand. The therapist would definitely help you with the feelings part. I just want to say, Ashley, nothing you do or have done can't be discussed and worked through. I don't mean here on the board, but being able to talk about things that are happening in your life with someone qualified to help you can be a wonderful thing. It took me a long time to do, I can honestly say I wish i had done it when I was your age. I understand not having the nerve to ask your dad. BTDT.

mallowcup

Ashley think about the kind of mom you are going to be. You are going to be a great mom. You'd be very suprised how many kids are at home feeling just like you. I think alateen is a great idea. You need them but they also need you. Keep coming here to vent or just to talk. Lots of us know exactly how you feel.

Hurting Inside

One question i always wanted to ask my mom is, "Why is the bottle more important then your family?" She has people here she can talk to about how shes feeling but she chooses to express her feelings/ stress through a bottle.

I know im low saying this what why cant she just be here for me just once? Drop the bottle and talk to me face to face. God i hate this. Im so self-centered im always thinking of me and how i feel and what i need. My mom is the one who is drinking herslef to death and i hate just sitting down knowing she needs help. Its so confusing. She knows she needs help but she wont get it. I wish i knew the answers to everything.

Sorry im just venting again. she justed yelled at me about a piece of paper on the ground and then went to bed. You might find me venting alot tonight. I didnt have a very good day today

Ashley

LongStrangeTrip

Just giving you big hugs.

best

As wonderful a person as you are, if you think you are feeling that way, how much would that feeling be magnified if you add alcohol?

Your mom isn't ignoring you or not caring about you. She is blinded by the alcohol. We think that the drinking helps us but what we find when we sober up is the drinking stops us from learning or knowing how to deal with things.

You) Lets talk straight and face to face...
Mom) But I don't know how, so I sit and say nothing.

Alcohol can drive our actions as well as our inactions.
It is not you, it is the alcohol and only mom can find the desire to stop for herself. You can't give it to her or do it for her. She needs do it herself.

FormerDoormat

Ashley, it's not self-centered for a child to want or need attention from their mother. I'm sure your mother loves and cares about you. She just can't show it now because she's physically and emotionally sick and finding a source for her next drink is all she can focus on.

It might help you to understand what she's going through to do some internet research on alcoholism. It helped me to understand why my alcoholic boyfriend was behaving the way he did. It also helped me to understand that he did love me. He just couldn't show it when he was drunk.

There's a teen forum right here on SoberRecovery. Have you checked it out? I'm sure what happened at the party wasn't your fault. If you're not comfortable discussing it here, do you have a friend or family member who you trust and feel you'd be comfortable discussing it with?

Hurting Inside

When you say the teen forum are u talking about soberteensonline.com??? if so, ya i did check it out. As for the party, Im not comfortable talking about it at all. I would if i felt it was the right time. Right now..Im not comfortable putting it on a board where everyone could read it (no offense u guys). I have been doing alot of research the past 2 days. and most of the sites i either can relate or just dont get it. lol But thanks everyone for the replys.



Ashley

FormerDoormat

Humm, I thought there was a teen forum right here on SoberRecovery--one that my daughter used to visit. Perhaps there used to be, or maybe I'm just getting old and forgetful.

Sorry for the confusion.

kermit

Dear Ashley...I was 15 once and gid so many things I wish I hadn't, one is not getting the help I needed. i too felt sad and alone alot of the time... It wasn't untill I got so bad and tried to kill myself did I learn alittle about getting help, it was almost to late, today I am a mother of 3 beautiful kids one who is my beautiful 16yr old girl. WE have a great relation ship and are lucky, more than most. My adcise to you is the same I give her. Reach out to a grandparent, a teacher pr maybe someonelses Mom. Many of my daughters friends reach out to me. The only time I had to tak with their parent was when suside was a option for her. But for the most part I just listen and love and let them know that my home is a safe place for them anytime. If you can try to think of anyone like this(me) go to them please. I do not want you to hurt. As a adult I have made some bad choices and I think it is because I never go the help i need when I was a kid. I wish this on no one. It sounds like you may have someone, please try and find some one to trust. Do you attened Church? Try alateen your secrets will be safe there and will help you get them off your chest. I'm worried about you. I wouldn't want my daughter to feel this way. Can you go with Dad? Why can't you talk to him? He may be feeling the same way you are. I bet he loves you. guys don't know how to make the first step to talk, not even DAds... Sometimes we STRONG Women have to satrt the conversation, I hope you can try and open up to your Dad... Try it you maybe surprised by him. Dads can be ver cool, we just have to help them along sometimes. Sounds like he has his own private hell maybe you should try and team up togrther and lean on eachother,,I bet he would like to have someone to listen to him.... Give it a try............
I love you, A mom of a teenager going thru hell as well.

mallowcup

It's really hard to think about what alcohol does to a person physically when they are so mean and have so many mental symptoms. I AM NOT making excuses. I do hope you can remember that your mom probably doesn't even remember half of what she yells about. I always put distance between myself and my father. I tried to deal with him as if he was normal. I wanted a father like everyone else had. Even now I have this depression if I'm home alone at dinner time. Between 5pm and 6pm, he either showed up and everything was OK or I knew he'd come home drunk. I never understood why he preferred the company of these marble mouthed drunks to his won wife and kids. I was too young to know they weren't his friends, they just shared the same vice. I have never understood how people just forget their families. They just sit and sprend time and money they have no business spending. There aren't always solutions. You can't always follow these steps and get the result you want. What you can do is talk to people who have survived this. Get a healthy and confident head on your shoulders. Things we understand are less scarey. Your mom may not have the ability to stop, she may need to get checked in somewhere. Your dad is going to have to make some hard decisions. It sounds like he's headed in the right direction and talking to people who will give the best advice. You need to take care of yourself. Children of alcohoilics can have very messed up lives. You will have to parent your self but you clearly know how to make good decisons for your self. This is an admirable attribute. Your father will have one person to be proud of, you. Take care of yourself using your best judgement. Teenagers can get away with just about anything when there is an alcoholic in the family. It is not a betrayal to ask for help and to be honest with someone. Even now you can become like your mother or just the opposite of your mother. You have a good head on your shoulders and I think you could help many other kids. I grew up to be a pediatric nurse. Our bad experiences can pave the way to helping others with a true compassion, because we've been there.

Hurting Inside

I do attend chruch often but sometimes it depends how mom feels or my dad and me and my sisters just go without her. My dad recently did tell our pastor about my moms problem. My dad talks to him alot about it. I would talk to the pastor but he knows me as this happy, outgoing girl with no problems. I dunno. Me and my dad do have a good realtionship, but whenever i tell him about how i feel, he goes and yells in her face about much much pain shes putting us through. he tells her Stuff she doesnt even remember the next day.

On tuesday, my dad and mom (maybe) are going to see someone. Im keep thinking the name of them is physcotherapist, but i dont know cuase to me that sounds like what a mental person goes to see. but anyways i asked my dad about alateen again and he said hes gonna ask at the meeting. Im pretty sure im gonna be starting alateen soon. but now that i think about it, im gonna be really scared. What if i see someone i know? i dont even know if we have alateen meetings in our town. i may be wrong though.

thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Its nice to know that there are people going/went through or are feeling the same things. I think alateen will be good.

hugs for you all

Ashley

Hurting Inside

Thanks Suzin. I guess it wouldnt be such a bad thing if i did see someone i know.

Thanks Everyone for replying

Take Care everyone

Ash

Missy

No child should be suffering the results of someone's Drinking Behavior

This makes me soooo said to see a child go through this with his parents.
It's bad enough we have our AH, etc. I just want to hug you Ashley and not let go!

Missy

Sorry.. I get so angry, bitter and sad when I read some of these posts and it hurts that there is nothing we can do about it.
so strange how we fall in love here and don't even know each other?

ok,,, feel better now

denny57

You're right, Karen. I would hope if I had a child(ren) I was exposing to this lifestyle, I would do the right thing and remove them from it. Ashley (and Ryan) have shown me just what an impact it does have on children.

((((all))))