mazey

I read with interest all the comments about their A's saying they are sorry, once, only once did mine ever apologize for anything....and that was months down the road after catching him w/the town skank, and I proceeded w/ divorce. He was feeling remorse then, but ya know after everything else, he never showed remorse. Even, this last abusive time..I asked him the next day if his daughter made her boyfriend mad would it be okay if he strangled her. He just kept staring ahead coldly, stubbornly. Finally, he said "no". "is that what you wanted to hear"! I am truly feeling relief and even when I wake in the morning to another day, I am not feeling bad about him being gone. Prolly, gunna hit in a few weeks??? OR have I just had it! finally. (and no, if he came back and apologized now, I don't want it or him.)

Zoey

Mine never said he was sorry, I knew that when we dated, so I had accepted that. All people are different, all couples are different.
Thinking about it, it seems to me kinda useless. Just words. Maybe nice to hear, but I would not know, never heard it, never missed it.

I had been in enough bars late at night, so saw what looked like going to be a one night stand.
Think I always accepted that too. Did not want to think about it or accept it, but faced truth, it happens, also happens in offices, and all over.

Your thread is sorta a statement, but felt you should have a reply, Take care of you. Caring hugs!

mazey

I guess I really wanted to know if that many A's apologized or felt any remorse after doing wrong...abuse, etc. I was surprized reading here how many it seems did feel sorry and apologize. Zoey, I agree everyone is different in their feelings and opinions about what is wrong behavior. Just curious about others....It did sound like a statement! and it kinda was, I guess. BUT, I did wonder. I'm fairly new to this posting, so I'd better get a little better!

Zoey

You are fine girl, I can't spell, but just let my misspelled words go.

Weekends seem quiet, but you should get more commments.
Everyone is welcome and cared about. So keep asking questions or vent or whatever. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

Have you read all the books suggested??
Even if we leave we need Al-Anon to learn to not find another Addict.

denny57

New Year's day 2000, AH proudly and defiantly exclaimed "I never apologize." That day I wrote in my journal "divorced by 50." That's exactly how old I will be when it happens.

mallowcup

My husband would say, "never apologize, it's a sign or weakness". There are few times I get steamed enough to correct him. I did thell him in no uncertain terms that was shear stupidity! Repent and you shall be forgiven. Steering anyone in any other direction is something I think we will be held accountable for. I think you may be suprised. I had put off leaving my first husband because I couldln't imagine how hard it would be, how he would torture me mentally by cutting off the money and flaunting other women. I was amazed that I never realized I'd already been through the hard part. As time went on I was loving him being gone. There were no eggshells. We could have people over. He drank his money when I lived with him. Once he left the court made him pay, beautiful. As time goes by, who cares if he's sorry, you won't, and you won't have time to think about it either. As time goes by, you'll be embarrassed to admit you ever knew him. We get sick righ talong with them, and getting better and brighter feels so good! You have everything to look forward to. The best is yet to come!

pmaslan

Mine did apolgize to me every now and again....
but does it really matter or mean much, if what they
apologize for is repeated time and time again....
Actions!!!!!
Actions speak louder than words!
Always have, always will.

slowdown61

I would apologize as a sober alchy but when using didnt even have a clue half the time.

I wish more AA guys would drop in on alanon to see what our "i didnt hurt anyone" stuff really does.

mallowcup

Yeah, yeah, you're sorry, again.

pmaslan

We do have a couple of AA people that drop by every now and then.
It really helps me to listen to what they have to say. Once they
become sober and work a program of some sort, it becomes clearer
to them the harm and hurt their drinking has caused.
Unfortunately, at this time the person that was in my life, hasn't
come that far yet...maybe one day I will get that sincere apology....
not holding my breath in the meantime.

LongStrangeTrip

Mine was trying to apologize to me in court the other day in front of the judge, professing his love and apologies for the things he's done and telling the judge how he wants to "put us back together again".

I turned to him in front of the judge and simply said..."It's too bad you didn't get your act together and care about "us" when I still cared."

pmaslan

Ain't that the truth!

FormerDoormat

As their disease progresses, the only thing many alcoholics can think about is how and when they're going to get their next drink. Their thinking becomes so clouded that they either can't or refuse to see the damage they're doing to their family, friends, and loved ones.

Perhaps one day when he's found a path to sobriety and his mind is clear, he'll feel remorse and do his best to make ammends.

Have you spent some time on the Alcoholics forum or visited some open AA meetings? They'll help you understand your A's actions and you'll see plenty of remorse from those who've found a path to sobriety. It may help you find a place in your heart to forgive him one day so you can let go of your anger and find a path to serenity.

lostnotfound

Mine doesn't apologize. He just acts like nothing ever happened. I can only remember him apologizing once in 8 years.

I' hoping our dissollution papers will be signed next week.

mazey

THanks! I am going to go read some of the Alcoholic sites. Where do I go for the meetings? I know words are just words, but I guess even more than the simple'I'm Sorry' I was looking to see if they can or do feel any remorse???? Warmth, compassion for another... He could sometimes display caring for another....it is so confusing. AND, I am really better off if I quit thinking about it, I need to 'let go, and let God' cuz as long as I was doing that I was better! Alanon teachings stay with me, please. I don't need to "figure" him out ANYMORE!!! yeah! AFter 14 years of thinking about it, and being the codie I was, am having a slip back into it today! Saturday, long holiday weekend, alone......but doing just fine. Thanks for the site and your help.

best

Words are words.
When the heart changes, actions would say.. I am sorry.

aussiee

I used to get apologies - they were sincere enough - and they always came with the "i'll never do it again" - but it always did happen again.

I got off the merry go round this time - I'm tired of hearing *i'm sorry*

Love is - never having to say you're sorry..
Addiction is - always having to say you're sorry..

deax

Yeah, like aussiee, my bf apologized constantly and promised to never do it (whatever it was that time) again. He never held out an apology from me or made me wait for an acknowledgment of what he'd done wrong. And I believe he was sincerely sorry for hurting me every time. But I think a portion of that remorse was also being sorry that he got caught, and I do not believe that he ever sincerely intended to ever stop doing the behaviors that would cause us so many problems- the not answering the phone, the lying, missing work, etc. Maybe he meant to cover his tracks in general better in the future, but not to stop those behaviors genuinely, since he wasn't ready to deal with his drug and alcohol addictions.

So I never had to suffer any outright obstinance or abuse, or wait for an apology. But I too got tired of hearing the apologies and ultimately came to agree with what pmaslan said- what significance does an apology have when the behavior is repeated over and over again. Eventually you start to feel like an ***hole when the apologies , even the groveling, start up again. I started to feel like he was making a fool out of me- I was desperate to take some action to get off the ride already.

Which leads me to the difficult but healthier spot I'm in now. Hands off regarding him until I see some actions, since he's proven his words to be fairly meaningless. Which isn't to say I'm immune to his words, I listen to the messages and feel the pangs and I do believe his pain is as real as mine.

An addicted person does still have the capacity to FEEL, imo. In fact R was probably too sensitive for his own damn good sometimes. An A, imo, can be self-absorbed and do whatever they need to in order to maintain their addictions while also being aware of people and situations around them.

Anyway, glad you're in a place where you feel ready to really let go and aren't holding onto any resentments. Best to you.

Beautiful

Any relationship - two people giving positive energy for the relationship team.

Powerless - Why aren't you being part of the team????
(Why don't you apologize, you should apologize)

Empowered - Be part of the team or get out.
(I will not tolerate destructive energy on my team)

At that point, apologies are moot.