mertyl

dear everyone.

i think right now i am feeling worse than i ever have. i cannot stop crying and i am so fighting the urge to go buy a huge bottle and just numb me.
i have posted so much about me xbf and our stuff. and after trying out a counselling session together and really for the first time ever communiicating and seeing some troubles, we decide to try our frickin hardest to work thru this crap. we have had so many amazing times together, without our d.o.c. and even with, i know that even after almost a month of being apart, i love this man so much! And im not sure anymore if its my addiction talking(cause it may be a bad choice). I am just not sure of anything anymore!
Everyone in life is bound to make the wrong choices and there will be people by your side to help and guide you along the way.there will be people who accept you and your choices without judgement.
tonite, that is not the case. I feel like i have ben double wammied in the same day.
I am so happy this morn that we are trying and we seem to have a solution that i call my best friend, who has lived with someone with a crack addiction, that i have tried to be there for unjudgementally and lovingly and we have been friends for so long, and tell her whats up. she tells me she does not approve of this decision because she has seen how much its hurts me. basically she made me feel like a piece of crap and i hung up and reconsidered my judgement.(i guess that what friends do)
So, tonite, we were gonna go to bingo, and i decided to call my xbf, outside, and let him know that this stuff about parting ways and being civil is somehing that i do understand after a month of being apart, and we agree on the phone and cry like children becuase we both know that it is out of our hands, and i am just broken hearted, i go back in the house and she's mad cause i left her in side for a few minutes and that was rude.

So, i it kinda escalated. And after the she doesnt like this stuff words, i tell her that i have been there for her thru all her crap and have never told her what to do, thru all her stuff and she is not perfect and neither is her life. And blah blah blah.

to me, no matter what happens, i will be a friend no matter what. I will not tell you what to do, simply offer my shoulder. No matter how bad things get. No matter how often you cry over something thats not your fault. even if it is, friendship should not be judged. it should be loving.

At the same time i was saying to her" well, i am sorry you feel that way and i will always love you as my bf," her man came home. So i left and came to my home.

NOw, i feel as if the progess i made with someone who was the wrong person has taken the equivlency to someone who was my best friend. And they are both gone. And now i am really pissed and hurt. And wanting to drink, really bad. I am well aware this will not cure or solve anything. I just, right now, dont want to be here. I am gonna move to australia. (oops, theres the alcoholic in me)

i am sorry that this is so long, just i am so sad. I know that i identify. BUT LIFE REALLY SUCKS RIGHT NOW AND I AM NOT DOING SO GOOD AND I HATE IT COS I AM ALWAYS THE STONG ONE AND RIGHT NOW I FEEL SO WEAK THAT I AM READY TO GO CHECK MYSELF INTO THE DAMN HOSPITAL!!!!

I am late with my rent cos its just me now. I didnt pay my car insurance, amongst other stuff and my sobriety has made me an emotional wreck. I am so worried and now me and by bf are probably never gonna talk again and nor or me and my xbf. And i just hate the world.

thanks for letting me share
,ertyl:uzi2:

2dayzmuse

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. Take a big breath and don't drink no matter what. The thought of drinking is looming over you. Do whatever it takes to get that option out of your mind. You already know drinking will not pay the rent, or your car insurance or get your bf back. Tomorrow is another day. Deal with your problems after you deal with the notion of drinking. If you believe in a HP, pray.

CarolD

slowdown61

I had to leave my x wife aftercaring for her at her house and feel the same way. Im 150 miles from her and her nasty bf lowlife bar boy is 2 blocks away. It suxs but I put her in my HP care and thats all I can do..she knows where Im at..

Just dont drink! We never know what are path will be if we can be patient just a bit. just sit on your hands!

mertyl

i am going to sit on my hands and let my hp take care of everything. thanks.

BSPGirl

Marte

Anna

That's a good idea Mertyl!

mertyl

i know about surrendering power to your hp. Its just that i get impatient. lol. Why does the hp have to take so long. I hate waiting and not being able to fix things. Even though i know that i cant right now.

but if i sit on my hands, how will i type?

aloneagainor

Hi Mertyl,
I've been following your story though being so caught up in my own life haven't been posting much here at Newcomers. As you may know I have surrender "issues", and have been poring over that concept in recent weeks. You hit on target my primary problem with this, being, the matter of who is in charge. Because ultimately YOU have to decide for yourself the course of your actions, you determine your mindset, you choose your attitude. It's your life, what you want to make of it is up to you. You have more control than you may realize, to move yourself out of your current frustrated state. I've spent many many years "frustrated" and am still working through getting out of that trap. Step by step. One frustration at a time, so not to be overwhelmed or over-reactive. Let your fingers freely type. Allow your thinking to engage and determine for yourself what you want in life. And how to go about getting it. If you want happiness, to be free of the frustrations and the anger and the hate, you can have that. But no-one can do that for you, you have to want it for yourself. It's a process. Even the journey can be a positive experience, if you look at it that way...

mertyl

i am today, aloneagainor, looking at this positively. Its just such a freakin roller coaster. I realize my priorities today and have made a plan, at least financially, where i need to be. I know i need to be in a different place with everything else.
thank you for your words of wisdom.

god bless, and hope u r doing well
mertyl

slowdown61

Well are ur hands numb? I have staye d away from focusing on her by doing chores. And yes HP seems to be very very slow at times. But if I got everything I asked for..yikes. hang in there.