aussiee

Hi - so here I am, another partner of an alcoholic/drug addict/sex addict to sum it all up - have suffered years of abuse and finally ended it all yesterday after being told yet again - he will not give up the drink. I'm tired - I need to recover and rebuild myself - and I'm hoping to gain some strength here.

I have been in counselling on and off for domestic violence and his sex addiction - marriage counselling and the likes.. he didn't beleive in any of it - I have worked hard to detach and all - but I could not accept having him in my life any longer - the lies and abuse continued - the sneaking around - then blaming me for whatever he did - I'm sure you're all so aware of these problems.

Therapy has helped a lot - as has another couple of forums (sex addiction and domestic violence) and now I come here - to learn the rest - so that hopefully I can eventually be at peace and 'totally free' of his pain.

I am 43 and have 2 sons, 15 & 10 - they, too, have suffered - in my times of being depressed - again, possibly a very familiar story.

Today I need strength - to NOT return to my old way of life - to move on and pick up the pieces, heal my pain and restore some faith in life - for right now - I'm very lonely - feeling the loss in a huge way - yet determined NOT to fall into acceptance of his behaviour just to fill my void.

I hope I can make some friends here - and learn.

aussiee

aussiee

ok, so I hit the thanks button - I'm new ;-)

StrongR2Day

Glad you are here, Aussie, welcome to SR. I'm a recovering addict and was married to one who just couldn't get recovery. He wasn't interested in therapy and the like either, because it required him to change. It required him to be accountable.

We've been divorced for several years but, of course, because of the children still have contact and issues. He hasn't changed much, but I have. I have found some peace and serenity in my life today and much healing through therapy and Alanon, as well as time apart from the insanity.

You will find that courage and strength you are seeking, and I believe, many teachers to help you find it here at SR. We are all learning, and I believe are also all teaching as we share our experience, strength and hope.

Glad you are here.

bahookie

lol hello aussie

Welcome - lots of people will be along to say hi soon. Nice to see you.

Pesky buttons...

Jane

ranae1221

hey, you have alot to thank yourself for!!!


i know there will be more here soon who can relate probally a bit better than i can- the A in my life is my dad. but it does sound like you are making some very healthy and wise decisions, for you and your sons. i know that even though it may be a "good" decision, it still isn't easy. i know you will find lots of support here.

saveYOURsoul

when i left an abusive relationship for the 20th time... i decided i didn't dump him, GOD did. my will would have been to stay and keep trying. God's will for me was to stop.

ICU

Welcome to SR Aussiee. Glad you found us.

You may feel lonely right now, but you're never alone here. So many of us have been through, or are going through many of things that you described here. Read through the posts and the stickies at the top.

When I split from my ex I felt a huge range of emotions. Many of the feelings I had stored up, (put away for a rainy day) seemed to crash all around me once he was gone. I think I had to stuff those feelings on a daily basis while he was here, just to get through the day. I was so busy focusing on him, on 'us as a couple'....never seemed to take the time to ask myself exactly what I was feeling. Maybe I was too afraid to face what I was feeling!

I learned to have the courage to begin to feel again. It was not pretty. But I certainly didn't do it alone. I had my counselor, domestic violence meetings, my codependent books by Melody Beattie, this forum, and my Al-Anon books (which I used less and less as I found the other areas to be much more valuable in my case anyway).

One key issue my counselor told me to hold onto whenever I got 'weak' and 'missing him' was....remember the abuse. Remember the bad. Write down on a piece of paper all the bad things that you endured. Focusing on the good was really just a fantasy of hopes and wishes. The 'bad' was the reality and that is what you must remember.

As time went on, when I was stronger, I was able to think fondly of the good times, but, the bad outweighed those memories by a landslide. I can never forget that.

I can tell you that after 15 months, I am a much healthier and happier person. Sure, I still have a ways to go, but I wouldn't go back in time and relive all the that garbage for all the money in the world.

If you keep working on yourself, keep reaching out to appropriate help, I bet your life will also turn around for the better....for both you and your sons.

Keep coming back!

aussiee

Thanks so much for the replies.

I'll loosen up a bit now and explain some more. I had been with this guy for 4 years - he is not the father of my children thank goodness, but we did live with him for 3 years - it was traumatic. I, too, turned to alcohol - I think in a way - to make it right for him to drink - because I didn't condone drinking alone - still don't.

I got rid of the drinking - it served me no purpose, and I didn't have a problem in giving it up - but as for the partner - no way - its his joy - you know the go. Its the 2nd time I've left him, this time we wern't living in the same house, I'm thankful for that since I lost a lot the first time around, this time I'm 'fairly' safe - although I know there will be some traumatic times ahead, ie tonight he has sms'd me because I dropped in today to get the remainder of my furniture that I had left there - and he is looking for ways to have me charged. I have the keys - I did no wrong.

Anyway he let me know he was out on the grog again with his dope smoking buddy - scoring - and has gone home to wallow in his sorrows - sad really - because he had given up the pot - one stroke of discomfort in his life and he's back on it. Neverending isn't it!

He has had to sell his car, he is finishing his house to sell - he has lost them both because of his problems and he has lost me. That little part of me that loves him kept me there too long - but at least this time around there is no monetary loss to me - just the loss of a partner who enjoys everything I do in life - hard to find - hard to leave - but essential for my children and I.

I now need continuing strength - to ensure I dont' fall backwards into his pit of lies and destruction again - I am not 'quite' that strong - but so far I'm putting on a pretty good front. UGH!

Doing lots of learning along the way, I have discovered perhaps my need for this person stemmed from me being raped at 15 - thats currently under investigation - and I hope to see some action soon - my only aim there is to finalise it - and at least have that guy know that he did wrong - it taught me the wrong messages about life - and what I should give.

I don't know what to do if the partner should turn up on my doorstep now, have already seen his reactions before - yelling at me from outside - abusive lies - in the hope everyone will hear it.. sad really!!

aussiee

Encouraging posts, thank you so much! ICU - you sound like you're in a great place - I'm 'almost' there, but I admit, this splitting for good thing has me scared. Funny really - I'm not afraid to be alone for th most part, but I miss the company if that makes sense - especially since my kids are away on the weekends...


Just this final chapter to complete, till I can round that corner of recovery - and I know its all a long way off - but I do feel stronger than I did when I initially moved out 14mths ago - I should have stayed away, but his charm lured me back in - his empty promises.. all the usual!

Jazzman

Welcome to SR aussie. Sure sounds like you have had more than your fair share of drama in your life. I would think embracing a "no contact" attitude and getting use to the life with NO drama would be a welcome relief, even if it will take some getting use to.

Look forward to getting to know you

aussiee

Thanks Jazzman - yes the no contact approach is difficult I guess - I still have some things at his place that I need to collect - and will do that next week I guess - plus he has his home gym here and a few other items. I do trust that he won't take my stuff, but for some unknown reason he doesn't trust me - I went through a very peaceful divorce many years ago and my exH and I are the best of friends, I like to maintain peace at all times and I like to think I'm a very honest person! I thought the partner would have known that of me by now - *sigh*

Anyway I'm ranting - sorry!

Appreciating the immediate responses right now though, - its helping me feel very welcome!

minnie

Welcome aussiee! Glad you've found us. This place was instrumental in helping me heal from an abusive and manipulative relationship. Well done for getting out of yours - you should be very proud of yourself.

Check out the sticky posts at the top if you haven't already.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

equus

Wecome aboard Aussie!!

You won't be alone here and there's plenty of ears to listen! It's good to hear you've used counselling and want to start really caring for you.

aussiee

Thankyou (again!)

I just took your advice minnie and read the sticky threads - awesome bit of writing there - I loved the ones about letting go, and when the pain stops - well all of it! Thanks for pushing me in that direction.

This place is going to be just perfect for me - I look forward to being a bit more active, right now though, I think I'll head off for a good night's sleep in my bed ALONE - meaning - I get the WHOLE thing!! Gotta love that hey! In fact, my folks gave me some new sheets, I might go put them on first, THEN sleep with my toes and fingers pointed in every direction - coz its ALL mine! haha!

nighty night - thanks for noticing me and giving me the warm welcome and encouragement

minnie

Aww - new and fresh sheets and the ability to sleep like a starfish - what more could a girl ask for?

Sleep tight.

Cynay

Welcome to SR .... we are glad that you found us.

Im right where you are at this time. My ex ended our relationship 5 weeks ago and has been no contact since and to give me a bit more challenge my daughter decided to move to her Aunt and Uncles almost a week ago....SO, it is taking some getting use to being completely alone.

What is working for me is reaching out to friends. I have been in Al-anon just over a 16 months and so Im going to a bit more meetings and calling HEALTHY friends to talk with....

Not that the hurt is less and that I dont feel lonely, because I do and I personally would not know what to do/say if he showed up on my doorstep either.... but we have to just take it one day at a time right???

The other blessing (Im looking for them) in all this is not only do I get the whole bed but NO SNORING.... I do not miss that one little bit. With my daughter I dont miss her attitude with me and feeling like Im not enough and I dont have to hunt down my makeup in the morning.

There something to be thankful for.

aussiee

LOL @ the snoring! Aint that the truth

While the ex was drinking - he wondered how I knew when he was hiding it - he had reduced it dramatically - but was drinking alone a lot - tell me - is that ok or is it not? I have never thought drinking alone was normal. Anyway, he only snores when he is drinking - thats most nights.

How old is your daughter? My 15yo son has a gf who prefers to be here at our place - I guess because I'm not her mother - who is very protective of her girls.. I don't know. She just appears - and stays as long as she can ! That was - of course - a problem for AH because he is triggered by young girls who reveal too much skin - life was all fun - not!

Anyway - yes there is some intense loneliness - but I'm doing what you are - gaining support from the (few) friends I have left, and I start at al-anon on Tuesday night, which I'm really looking forward to. Thank goodness I have been in counselling on and off for a while!

I have plenty to keep me absorbed - 2 poodles in desperate need of grooming - a messy house to turn back into a home (I slipped back into depression), I am studying full time at Uni - I will be able to focus on that, Safety House committee (sec/treasurer) and literacy teaching when I can. All of that has been pushed aside because of my relationship - I know life should have been better - and I look forward to relearning my own personal values and cherishing life again.

Slept like a log last night -but got a message from my friend (sms) who left her alcoholic/sex addict partner about 18mths ago - they share custody of the children, share a house (one stays the other goes elsewhere for half week each) and share a business - ongoing problems. She had more hassles last night - seems like a good time for some girl company together!

Thank you both for your replies and thoughts

Cynay

My daughter is 17 and I have pretty much been a single Mom since she was 2 years old.... We have always been really close till she hit her teens.

So weird in June I got a text from her saying that she loved me and thanking me for supporting her and that it means alot to her.... and now she gone...

Im praying its that part where they have to seperate from us.... because we were so close I guess the seperation has to be harder, at least that is what Im telling myself now.

Sounds like you have a plan.... and are REALLY busy... I just take it one day at a time, I have lived with worse hurt then this... so I know it will pass.

aussiee

Cynay,

I really feel for you - you're going through a lot of loss right now. Hopefully your daughter will grow through this experience and return to you soon. Unfortunately these days I think kids are given too many rights and our ability to discipline effectively has diminished quite substantially. I don't mean they should be beaten etc, but the kids are taught to be headstrong in powerful ways - and we are at a loss to deal with it.

Are you in counselling for yourself? Do you know your daughter is safe and where she is? Is she in a 'good crowd'?

We girls 'do' do a rethink later in general don't we? I was kicked out of home at 15 - I had no desire to return home but did eventually - realising home was the best place for me to be - it was a hard lesson for me - I was a dreadful teen LOL! During the time away from home I was raped, I never told my parents till I was 42 (last year) - It took me THAT long to realise I could trust them with anything. Sad isn't it - all those wasted years.

I do hope you can find some peace.

Cynay

Thank you!

You know I almost think in this day and age children have to be headstrong in a powerful way. Sometimes I think about the differences of when I was a kid and what she is having to do and its almost scary. I love my daughter more then life itself and she is not making rash decisions or out of anger in the heat of the moment..... I dont agree with what she is doing but I do know she is safe where she is at. She is living with her Aunt and Uncle and though Im not impressed with them in the least ... she is only in danger of developing a "big head" and I trust that life will handle that.

I dont go to counceling now. The last one I went too basically let me go cuz I knew what I needed and had to go out and put into action what I knew to be true. Currently I use Al-anon for a support group and to keep me reminded/focused on my recovery and taking care of me.... its almost like group theraphy.