Another newcomer here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 7
Another newcomer here!
Well, where does my story begin? It probably starts back in my early teen years where I experimented with alcohol and it has progressed until the very present (10 days into recovery). I am not unfamiliar with AA, I just never took it seriously before, and it has taken me almost six years for me to truly appreciate and understand Step 1. Six years ago, I walked into the AA rooms, and I just couldn't bring myself to admit that I was an alcoholic, and here I am, one week away from being 28, finally admitting that I am powerless over my addiction.
I went from being a social drinker, to a casual drinker, to a party girl to finally a binge drinker that often would black out and couldn't remember what I had done. I only thank my HP that I didn't cause any serious damage to myself or two others, besides the emotional abuse I must have inflicted on those that I love.
I had the sincere desire to quit, but after having seven months in the program, I felt that I was cured, only to find that my drinking, which at this point, was carefully monitored, I thought I was a drinker that could moderate her intake, only to find out later on that it wasn't possible for me to do this. I didn't truly appreciate that it would take me sliding deeper and deeper into misery and the ugliness drinking brought to into my life, for me to finally wake up after my last slip and truly appreciate that I don't ever want to drink again.
I now feel a sincere desire to work the program to its fullest and truly have what others have in the program. I don't ever want to feel another hangover again, sick to my stomach, feeling the guilt, remorse and shame that comes with every drinking binge. Admitting I am powerless is one of the most humbling experiences in my life so far. For far too long, my own arrogance, stubbornness and ego led me to believe that I was not an alcoholic, and today, I can truthfully admit that I am, and there is nothing that is ever going to change that. But the choice for me to take another drink is completely in my hands, and it is a choice that I will deal with for the rest of my life.
What has prompted me into seeing things into a new light? Loving someone who is also coping with an addiction. I never truly appreciated the pain and suffering our loved ones go through until I have seen it from the other side as well. There are so many reasons, so many years of introspection that has led me to this point in my life, but in a nutshell, here I am, writing it all down. I have spent many years applying the 12 steps in my life in one form or another, and from a spiritual point of view, I can say that I have evolved over time, and from that work, the result has been me truly wanting recovery for the first time in my life. I truly want life without alcohol involved, I want to lead a long and happy life, and where I don't have to pass on my bad coping mechanisms to my own kids.
At this exact point in my life, my significant other is out somewhere in the city, relapsing, and after many tears shed tonight, I got myself to a meeting and got through a night of heartache without having to take a drink. It really is just for today. I no longer obsess over "never drinking again", I just really try to get through today, and that is all that matters.
To all of those who are coming back, please truly know that it takes courage to change, this program is amazingly simple if you can keep yourself open-minded. I finally learnt the lesson of being open-minded and I am truly listening to what people in those rooms are now saying.
Just for today,
Rose
I went from being a social drinker, to a casual drinker, to a party girl to finally a binge drinker that often would black out and couldn't remember what I had done. I only thank my HP that I didn't cause any serious damage to myself or two others, besides the emotional abuse I must have inflicted on those that I love.
I had the sincere desire to quit, but after having seven months in the program, I felt that I was cured, only to find that my drinking, which at this point, was carefully monitored, I thought I was a drinker that could moderate her intake, only to find out later on that it wasn't possible for me to do this. I didn't truly appreciate that it would take me sliding deeper and deeper into misery and the ugliness drinking brought to into my life, for me to finally wake up after my last slip and truly appreciate that I don't ever want to drink again.
I now feel a sincere desire to work the program to its fullest and truly have what others have in the program. I don't ever want to feel another hangover again, sick to my stomach, feeling the guilt, remorse and shame that comes with every drinking binge. Admitting I am powerless is one of the most humbling experiences in my life so far. For far too long, my own arrogance, stubbornness and ego led me to believe that I was not an alcoholic, and today, I can truthfully admit that I am, and there is nothing that is ever going to change that. But the choice for me to take another drink is completely in my hands, and it is a choice that I will deal with for the rest of my life.
What has prompted me into seeing things into a new light? Loving someone who is also coping with an addiction. I never truly appreciated the pain and suffering our loved ones go through until I have seen it from the other side as well. There are so many reasons, so many years of introspection that has led me to this point in my life, but in a nutshell, here I am, writing it all down. I have spent many years applying the 12 steps in my life in one form or another, and from a spiritual point of view, I can say that I have evolved over time, and from that work, the result has been me truly wanting recovery for the first time in my life. I truly want life without alcohol involved, I want to lead a long and happy life, and where I don't have to pass on my bad coping mechanisms to my own kids.
At this exact point in my life, my significant other is out somewhere in the city, relapsing, and after many tears shed tonight, I got myself to a meeting and got through a night of heartache without having to take a drink. It really is just for today. I no longer obsess over "never drinking again", I just really try to get through today, and that is all that matters.
To all of those who are coming back, please truly know that it takes courage to change, this program is amazingly simple if you can keep yourself open-minded. I finally learnt the lesson of being open-minded and I am truly listening to what people in those rooms are now saying.
Just for today,
Rose
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Camelot
Posts: 90
Welcome!
Wow! You've really thought your sobriety through... I've never seen such a well thought intro from a newbie here! I can tell you are VERY serious about not ever drinking again...good for you!
Welcome to the SR family...
Welcome to the SR family...
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Hi rose, WELCOME TO SR, I'm glad you are here!!!!
Sounds like you may have gotten Step 1 down to the very core of your being. That is an excellent start to building a firm foundation for recovery. Do you have a sponsor yet? I hope so........a sponsor can be a wonderful guide, and a pillar to lean on when the going gets really rough and the roller coaster gets going to fast, lol.
Again, welcome, and I look forward to reading your posts and watching you grow and blossom in recovery.
Remember though, hang onto your butt, cause you're in for one h*ll of a ride, roflmao. Mine has been wonderful, scary, thrilling, and every other adjective you can think of!!!
Please keep posting, we really do care.
Love and (((((to all))))),
Sounds like you may have gotten Step 1 down to the very core of your being. That is an excellent start to building a firm foundation for recovery. Do you have a sponsor yet? I hope so........a sponsor can be a wonderful guide, and a pillar to lean on when the going gets really rough and the roller coaster gets going to fast, lol.
Again, welcome, and I look forward to reading your posts and watching you grow and blossom in recovery.
Remember though, hang onto your butt, cause you're in for one h*ll of a ride, roflmao. Mine has been wonderful, scary, thrilling, and every other adjective you can think of!!!
Please keep posting, we really do care.
Love and (((((to all))))),
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 7
Good morning, everyone
Thank you all for your replies and encouragement, it really does mean alot to me.
Yes, I do have a sponsor, and ironically, it is the same sponsor that helped me first walk into the program all of those years ago. She is a wonderful lady and has been great watching me through the ups and downs on my road towards recovery.
One of the things that I thought about last night was the entire notion of surrendering. As I watch my significant other battle with this idea, I thought back to all of my painstakingly hard experiences that finally led me to the complete acceptance of surrendering. I had to give myself over completely to recovery, and the idea actually came from a meeting this week, where a guy named Justin took a one year cake. He said that working the "Justin program" was not working in keeping himself clean, so he gave over to working the program properly, and in by doing this, he surrendered. Giving yourself over completely is a very hard thing to do. It took me try and try again to finally accept that there is no other way. It was my own stubbornness and pride that prevented me from doing this. After waking up after another hangover, it finally clicked that I wanted a good life more than anything else in the world. I wanted to live, and not die of alcoholism like my grandparents did before me.
Tears escape my face as I write this. All of this healing can be extremely painful, but the one thing that I have learnt, is that the pain of healing is nothing compared to the pain of suffering inflicted by an addiction. Pain of healing is intense, but it is temporary, and you can move beyond it. Pain of suffering from your addiction is never-ending, it only gets more pronounced and more intense the longer you allow it to fester. I would rather choose the pain of healing than the pain of suffering any longer.
I would love to write more, but I have to get myself up and around for the day.
Just for today,
Rose
Yes, I do have a sponsor, and ironically, it is the same sponsor that helped me first walk into the program all of those years ago. She is a wonderful lady and has been great watching me through the ups and downs on my road towards recovery.
One of the things that I thought about last night was the entire notion of surrendering. As I watch my significant other battle with this idea, I thought back to all of my painstakingly hard experiences that finally led me to the complete acceptance of surrendering. I had to give myself over completely to recovery, and the idea actually came from a meeting this week, where a guy named Justin took a one year cake. He said that working the "Justin program" was not working in keeping himself clean, so he gave over to working the program properly, and in by doing this, he surrendered. Giving yourself over completely is a very hard thing to do. It took me try and try again to finally accept that there is no other way. It was my own stubbornness and pride that prevented me from doing this. After waking up after another hangover, it finally clicked that I wanted a good life more than anything else in the world. I wanted to live, and not die of alcoholism like my grandparents did before me.
Tears escape my face as I write this. All of this healing can be extremely painful, but the one thing that I have learnt, is that the pain of healing is nothing compared to the pain of suffering inflicted by an addiction. Pain of healing is intense, but it is temporary, and you can move beyond it. Pain of suffering from your addiction is never-ending, it only gets more pronounced and more intense the longer you allow it to fester. I would rather choose the pain of healing than the pain of suffering any longer.
I would love to write more, but I have to get myself up and around for the day.
Just for today,
Rose
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
(((( rose ))))) Welcome to SR!
I loved those realizations of early recovery. It was like I was peeling an onion and every day I woke up another step ahead of the game. Amazing how much happiness there really is inside ourselves and how grateful we naturally become once we're not living inside a shroud of chemicals.
I loved those realizations of early recovery. It was like I was peeling an onion and every day I woke up another step ahead of the game. Amazing how much happiness there really is inside ourselves and how grateful we naturally become once we're not living inside a shroud of chemicals.
Just a big echo to what the others have said.!!!.and. Welcome... to SR...xXx...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Butner N.C.
Posts: 6
Hi Rose
Hi Rose, sorry to hear about your troubles with your significant other. I am just starting my path to sobriety as well. Although you may wish to help the one you love, it is more important that you stay foucesed on your own agenda. Stay the course.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Butner N.C.
Posts: 6
Hi Rose
Hi Rose, sorry to hear about your troubles with your significant other. Although you may wish to help the ones you love, don't let it deter you from your own agenda. Stay the corse. It took me 30 years to walk into the rooms, and I never want to leave.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 7
Lazarus - Thank you for your words, and thank you everyone else for welcoming me to these boards.
Well, the relationship stuff aside. After having some conversations, it has come to me that I have put my relationship as the top priority in my life when it really needs to be the third, behind my recovery (#1) and then my career (#2). I am of no use to anyone unless I take care of myself first, and initially I thought that this was downright selfish of me, but it isn't. It just means that in order for me to help others, I have to first help myself. Thanks for those words of encouragement, it certainly helped with me really seeing an important factor in my life.
Rose
Well, the relationship stuff aside. After having some conversations, it has come to me that I have put my relationship as the top priority in my life when it really needs to be the third, behind my recovery (#1) and then my career (#2). I am of no use to anyone unless I take care of myself first, and initially I thought that this was downright selfish of me, but it isn't. It just means that in order for me to help others, I have to first help myself. Thanks for those words of encouragement, it certainly helped with me really seeing an important factor in my life.
Rose
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi Rose
Welcome and I am so glad you are here.
I really appreciated your tjoughts about the distinction between the pain of healing vs the pain of suffering addiction.
As a yoga teacher, I often say something similar to my students when they experience sensation/pain (albeit physical, not nescessarily the same level that you were referring to).
It has to do with the notion that we develop an almost automatic reflex to run away from and defend ourselves against pain of any sort, even before taking the time to more fully examine and understand it and what its message for us may be.
That "pain" may be the pain of a greater opening (healing), instead of the pain of injury (suffering from addiction).
Your insightfulness is beautiful. Keep with it, and let us get to know you as you journey.
Welcome and I am so glad you are here.
I really appreciated your tjoughts about the distinction between the pain of healing vs the pain of suffering addiction.
As a yoga teacher, I often say something similar to my students when they experience sensation/pain (albeit physical, not nescessarily the same level that you were referring to).
It has to do with the notion that we develop an almost automatic reflex to run away from and defend ourselves against pain of any sort, even before taking the time to more fully examine and understand it and what its message for us may be.
That "pain" may be the pain of a greater opening (healing), instead of the pain of injury (suffering from addiction).
Your insightfulness is beautiful. Keep with it, and let us get to know you as you journey.
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