Ann

Something has been going through my mind and I thought I would share it here and see what you think.

Here's the scenario - just suppose that tomorrow all our addicts disappeared from our lives...let's keep it pleasant and imagine that they have been taken by space aliens to a more wonderful place where they will live happily ever after.

With the addict out of our lives, what would we do? How would we live differently than we are today?

What would we do to fill the time that we have spent on them?

How would we burn off the energy that we now have because we are no longer drained and exhausted?

Would we have more money? Or less?

Would we be more careful in choosing our next partner? Or are we just attracted to addicts? Or would we be happier to live single?

How would you fill the void?

osier59

Ann,

WOW. We talked about this just last night at my step study. I love addicts and alcoholics. I just DO. They are exciting and dynamic people. I also get a bit crazy around them, but that is MY stuff.

Knowing what I know about MY part it all of this, I would probably find something else to try to control or fix. Who knows? maybe I would try to teach my cat to fetch, or talk, or to use the toilet instead of the litter box. It would be just about as effective as trying to manipulate or control the people in my life, but it would keep me busy for awhile until I figured out my powerlessness again. I might stand outside and argue with the wind for awhile, just to hear myself talk. I would probably have even LESS money than I do now, as I would turn to retail therapy to fill the void in my life.

If the A's in my life were gone, I might not have a reason to come to the forum to chat with my good friends. I grow stronger every day hearing about your experience, strength and hope as you deal with the As in YOUR lives. Every once in awhile I share some part of my life, and you all accept me and love me and laugh and cry with me. I get to know you and myself better every day as we share those intimate moments.

I'd probably have to take the next space shuttle to the other planet just to make sure they were all ok, and then I would come back and report in to all of you. Sigh.... guess I just need to "keep coming back" right?

Hugs
Osier59

Ann

LOL Osier - I'd probably go with you to "check up" on how they were doing. .

I posted the questions, but didn't offer any answers because I am really not SURE what my answers would be. I know that I would probably find a "needy" cause and volunteer, because I already do a little of that and enjoy it. For whatever reason, I can do that without getting personally involved (or codependent), and just feel good about it. I think my recovery lets me do that, because I sense the warning signs if I am getting "attached" or feel like bringing 100 people to my house to look after.

I would probably creat new "drama", as Smoke likes to call it, but the "new" drama would be healthy. Maybe find a really interesting hobby and throw myself into it. Or plan a bizarre vacation to somewhere like "Istanbul" or Greece, and stay in the small villages so I could meet the locals and feel their culture first hand.

I know I would write. Maybe about my travels.

I know that I wouldn't take up a hobby like sky-diving or white water rafting....I've had all THAT kind of adrenaline rush stuff in my life already.

Soooo, maybe I wouldn't feel quite as compelled to "check up" as I thought earlier in this post.

Kittycat

Anns............. LOLOL!
Why ...hey...I did get rid of one"fixer upper A"(21 years) and I missed himsooooooooo much, that I ran right out and got myself another and in need of me! I have been fixing this one for 11 years. He could be almost finished...OMG...then what!!!! : ) And so we spin on ! : )
Love Kitty

Ann

Hugs Kitty - It's great to see you back and well.

You could come to Instanbul with me . I just have a feeling that travelling with you would make any trip "interesting" LOL.

I forgot to mention that this board would still be our meeting place, where we could share all our adventures.

Kittycat

Anns! : )))
Istanbul could be interesting...we could wring a few "Turkey" necks along the way and just as they were choking on their last breath we would march in and save them from themselves! Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!! Let us not forget about Greece....those men do not say OPAHHHHHHH for nothing, I am sure a Taverna would welcome us to help sweep up the broken plates and bodies from a night of Ouzo and
dancing. Why of course they ALL would line up just to hear us offer our kind words and offer our saving grace...they need to be put into their place and learn to stack those plates don't you think? Wouldn't that be so much better if they did? <VBG>
Thank heavens ...I am not fixing anymore bodies, parts, and or plates. But I would go on the trip. lounge in the Taverna...eat Greek food till I pop, and view the beauty of Turkey...........and as far a a rescue mission ....maybe some poor cat along the way, who has no real voice. ...............my RESCUE shingle is down: )))
Love Kitty

Ann

Kitty

Ain't goin' to no tavernas LOL. But I'll eat the Greek food till my stomach cries "OPAH!!"

EmotionalMeg

Anns,
As soon as I read your post, my head filled up with like a million exciting and adventurous notions... If my A was not in my life, I would go back to school, take up dancing again, go out and have fun at least ONCE a day, travel to Australia to rekindle things with my mom, travel to England to "find" my dad, lose about 10 pounds, try to adopt healthy eating habits, move closer to my best girl friend... and I could go on and on...
And the good news is that ALL of these things are attainable even while I am still with my A - It's just that my recovery hasn't taken me far enough that I feel I am worthy of such wonderful things.
One thing that DOES make me sad, is that if I wasn't with my A, I would be without one of the closest people to my heart... brings a tear to my eye.
I guess, I really AM OK just where I am :p
Thanks,
Meg

Ann

Meg

You ARE worthy of anything you want!!! Don't ever forget that. And if you just shift your focus back onto you and what you want, you can do these things.

We all have dreams that are attainable, and that is sort of the point here. If we take our focus off the A's (that's why I sent them into space to be happy ), we would have the energy and self-esteem make our dreams come true.

Stephanie

It's funny but I have been thinking a lot lately how grateful I am for my husbands relapse. Sounds kind of selfish doesn't it. But without it, I never would have really sought out alanon, even though I needed it before that. I love what is becoming of my life since I have not been living purely as a reaction to everyone around me. I made a conscious decision to let go of a couple of friendships in my life that were not healthy for me. I am really proud of my decision and I know I did the right thing. Back in the day, I would be questioning myself all over the place. I'm trusting my instincts more and I'm a lot happier.

So if my SO was not in my life anymore, I would know in my heart, that I got where I am because he was in my life.

Now back to the subject at hand. I would probably move somewhere warm. We can't move because of my stepson. I would have a lot more money and a lot more time because there would be 2 less people to care for, cook for, clean for, and do everything else for. So I would spend more time on me. I would go to the gym, ride bikes with the kids, go to the beach, hang out and read, travel everywhere and show my kids the world. I also don't think I would get married again, but if I did get into a relationship, I would make damn well sure that he had his sh.. together.

journeygal

I wanted to ditto what Searching said about her husband relapsing. My husband had a slip 7 months ago - and that's when I sought out Naranon and started my recovery. I have since come to believe that one slip was responsible for me getting help for myself and I am so grateful for it. Had he not slipped, I'm not sure if I would have made it into my recovery.

If my A was not in my life anymore, I would be forced to "find myself" b/c I would be too scared of attracting another A!!! So, I would travel first, party a lot, behave with reckless abandon, then I would settle myself down and adopt a child.

JT

Oh my Ann,

I think I would be doing exactly what I am doing. Self discovery, reading, working, working out, golf league, bunco, movies with the girls, quiet nights with a favorite movie or Trading Spaces. Walking my dog, turning in early, visiting my parents and my friend out of state. I would probably move somewhere warm...that is if I include Ward as an A. He is but he really doesn't bother me most of the time...having a "place of my own" would be cool. But then I have carved out a couple of corners in our home that are mine.

I cannot believe I am saying this...amazing. I have been taking care of me so long I must have achieved it sometime when I wasn't looking.

Hugs and thanks,
JT

NoDoubt

I would probably keep doing what I'm doing. Since coming to these board and hooking up with AlAnon I have been taking care of myself, making time for things that I find FUN! The one thing I wouldn't be doing is worrying about my husband and how my kids are being affected by this disease! That would be great.

But, I would really miss him. He is my best friend. We used to share everything. I still try and share with him and at times he tried to share with me. Maybe we could just send away the part of them that has the problem and keep the parts that we love?

Thanks. I really needed to look at it that way. Good way to start the day. Have a good one everyone.

NoDoubt

lyn_blossom78

First, I'd get my hair cut the way I want it! Then I'd buy a new stove, refrigerater and dishwasher (my husband thinks I need real antiques in my Victorian kitchen, so I go down to the basement for a fridge that works, and an oven that works). Then I would publish my book, that he thinks is a dumb idea. Then I would hook up my TV, since we're not allowed to have a TV, only VCR. Then I would have friends over all the time. Oh, I'd have to get a job I like--not the one I am expected to do--bookwork for him. Yep--could be nice! Perhaps I'm a little bitter today.

Lyn

margo

Ann - great thread! Hmmm, well, I'd have to say that the first thing I'd do is start attending Alanon and/or Naranon meetings. I don't/can't go right now, but coming to SR for the past year has helped me more than you know and I have been able to use so much of the wisdom here to my advantage. Just to know that the things that happen to me happen to others in almost identical fashion makes me know that I am not alone and that it's not JUST ME! I've been able to learn some coping methods and how to start changing some of my thinking and responses to situations, but I've only really scratched the surface and have such a LONG way to go.

Then I'd start with just simple things - I would lie on the big couch at night to watch TV and not the love seat, and I would have total control over the remote control There's lots of other things too, but I think these things would be good for a start!

Love and hugs.

Ann

Hmmm - something I am seeing here that I thought applied only to me, is that as bad as our lives have been, and as much as we get upset with our A's, the experience has brought each one of us to a much better place. And I don't believe I would be here if my life had been A-less.

And like JT - I like my life today. Oh it's not perfect and I still have some bad days, but when I step back and take a look at how I live today and who I am today, to just say I am grateful doesn't cut it. I am humbly grateful and a little surprised at what I see.

And Margo - It was almost exactly the same time that I came to these board, purely by accident in a bad moment, and I can't express how grateful I am for what I have learned here and how much it has helped me grow. Margo, the more I get to know you, the more I discover that maybe we were twins separated at birth because we are so alike. (JT and I have already figured out that we must be twins, so maybe triplets?).

This thread is turning out quite differently than I thought it would, and I think it is great to look at things from a diffferent perspective.

Hugs to each one of you.

nana05

i would be the happiest person in the world.,,now mind you i dont want him dead.. really i dont,, but i do want out.. i would dress up,, really big time, go to the mall, i am broke so i couldnt buy anything , but i could give those flirting looks,, you know the looks... i might go dancing,, not drinking, cause i am too scared to do that,, oh my gosh i could go on and on... i would live is what i would do... i would live.. right now i am dead.. there is no life in my body...
but like i said, i dont want God or the HP to take this wrong,, i dont want him to die,,,, i just want away.... thats all, just away..and live apart.. and him grow up where he could live on his own cause the minute i would leave,,he would be in jail in a day..
but anyway i answered the question...i would get off all drugs,, valium,., cause i take them to be able to stay here,,, and i would live.. I WOULD LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

msmom

Hello all,
First let me say that I am most grateful for this forum. I am going thru a period of isolation and guilt right now. I did go to an Alanon meeting Fri. night, and felt better.
I feel isolated even in this forum. My 1st A, my spouse was in my life, physically for 12 yrs. I divorced him, then he died, but is still in my life. Our son will be going into drug addiction treatment very soon, for the 2nd time. We are both scared.

I've just finished reading "The Alcohologenic Parent" in the psybersquare.com site. I'm not sure how this is supposed to help...but it has thrown me into some deep upset and guilt feelings.

I do know that I need to go to a meeting. I will be doing that. For the moment I am trying to stay calm and even as I prepare to take my son to detox.

I'm sorry to darken the mood of this thread, but it brought home some painful thoughts. I do look forward to having a life apart from my A. I pray that I can continue and progress in recovery.

Love to you all,
msmom

osier59

Anns & All,

You know, I wouldn't change much in my life, except I wish that my As would find their own recovery sooner. All of the things I have been through, both good and bad, have taught me so much more about myself. Someone wrote that if their A was gone, then they would feel ALIVE again. I have come to learn that feeling my feelings - pain, sorrow, fear, angst, happiness, joy, frustration - all of them - are what make ME feel alive. And the pain is what draws me closer to all of you and to my Higher Power.

(Oh, and if I was able to do whatever I wanted, I would live near an ocean, walk in the sand every day and make beaded jewelry to sell when I wasn't working on my novel.... cuz boy do I have a lot of good material to write about!!!)

Hugs
Osier59

Ann

Osier - I love your new avatar!!!

Most of the things that I see here that we would do, are all possible for us to do if we really want to. Nana, you CAN dress up and go dancing, Osier, you can write the great novel by the beach (but only if you invite ME), and msmom, you can learn to live in peace and move out of the darkness into the light.

And knowing we can, whether we chose to or not right now, tells us that we haven't lost our dreams, and our ability to dream. My mother used to have a plate hanging on her kitchen wall that said "You've got to have a dream before it can come true" and something about that saying always felt good to me.