Need Help - Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 16
Need Help - Please
Need Help - Please!!!!!!
Hello Everyone,
This is my first time posting. I'm not an alcoholic, but my ex is. He just broke up with me after eight long years together.
First, my ex-boyfriend blames me for everything. He said, I’m a miserable person who makes him miserable. When he ended our relationship, I was driving home across country to be with him. To give you some history, we lived in Illinois for six years before we moved to Arizona for work. I always knew he was a heavy drinker but I had no idea he was in the middle of this horrible disease. Well, two and half years ago, we moved to Arizona. He hated his job and pretty much everything around him. Once we moved to AZ he had no problem seeking out other alcoholics. He's always had great radar when finding people to drink with. He developed a pattern of not coming home for days. He also started becoming paranoid and full of anger and resentment towards me. When we lived in Illinois and after the loss of his mother there were just a handful of times he didn't come home after work, but living in Arizona changed that. His drinking progressed dramatically living in a new state. Things just kept getting worse. I finally gave him an ultimatum to either get help or I'm leaving. He went to AA twice but gave up after those two times. His excuse was he didn't want to sit in a church and be lectured. He tried so many bargaining chips with me and I hung in there fighting even when I knew I shouldn't. I loved him so much (still do). Well, finally he landed a great job back in Illinois and things seemed to be getting back on track (so I thought). I was going to remain in Arizona while he was working in Illinois until we could afford enough money to purchase a house and to save for the move back home. I was away from him for six months. In those six months he lived with another alcoholic male, who is just as bad as he is. In the six months apart, he has progressed to the later stages of his disease. Friends and family kept asking him when he planned on moving me back to Illinois to be with him. His answer to them was always “soon”. He would tell everyone he loves me and plans on marrying me, but then he had no intentions of bringing me back home, or at least now he didn’t.
About three weeks ago, I'm driving 2,000 miles back to Illinois to be with him. I wanted to try and get our relationship back on track. I think he panicked or something because he told me hates me, he's not in love with me anymore and I'm the reason why he has nothing in life. I'm so heartbroken because I have put so much time and effort into our relationship. I just can't grasp what happened. What did I or did not do? Now, he tells me he will always love me and that he's not going anywhere. What the hell does that mean? He told me doesn't want anything with me, but he will take care of me forever. His family and friends (real friends) have tried to get him help but he denies he has a problem. The more people try to help him, the more he grows resentful towards me. Can you please tell me why he did this to me? Why am I left here feeling guilty? I'm starting to believe the reasons why he said he had left me. I know others around me tried to convince me it's him and not me. It's really hard though, he's so good at manipulating and controlling the situation. He's also the world’s greatest liar. Why do alcoholics inflict so much pain on their loved ones? Do they ever come to the realization the pain they've caused? Will I ever get closure from him? He is about to lose the greatest job he could ever have, but he doesn't care. Just like he doesn’t care that he lost the best thing in world (that’s me). His family and our friends know I was the best thing in the world for him, but I guess he didn’t care or see it. His boss/friend called me a few days ago and said, my ex is missing tons of work and he's going to have to fire him if he doesn't start following through. My ex is so angry and blames everyone for everything, especially me. I'm sure if he loses his job he'll blame me for that too.
Thank you for listening to me. I appreciate any advice - believe me!!!
Hello Everyone,
This is my first time posting. I'm not an alcoholic, but my ex is. He just broke up with me after eight long years together.
First, my ex-boyfriend blames me for everything. He said, I’m a miserable person who makes him miserable. When he ended our relationship, I was driving home across country to be with him. To give you some history, we lived in Illinois for six years before we moved to Arizona for work. I always knew he was a heavy drinker but I had no idea he was in the middle of this horrible disease. Well, two and half years ago, we moved to Arizona. He hated his job and pretty much everything around him. Once we moved to AZ he had no problem seeking out other alcoholics. He's always had great radar when finding people to drink with. He developed a pattern of not coming home for days. He also started becoming paranoid and full of anger and resentment towards me. When we lived in Illinois and after the loss of his mother there were just a handful of times he didn't come home after work, but living in Arizona changed that. His drinking progressed dramatically living in a new state. Things just kept getting worse. I finally gave him an ultimatum to either get help or I'm leaving. He went to AA twice but gave up after those two times. His excuse was he didn't want to sit in a church and be lectured. He tried so many bargaining chips with me and I hung in there fighting even when I knew I shouldn't. I loved him so much (still do). Well, finally he landed a great job back in Illinois and things seemed to be getting back on track (so I thought). I was going to remain in Arizona while he was working in Illinois until we could afford enough money to purchase a house and to save for the move back home. I was away from him for six months. In those six months he lived with another alcoholic male, who is just as bad as he is. In the six months apart, he has progressed to the later stages of his disease. Friends and family kept asking him when he planned on moving me back to Illinois to be with him. His answer to them was always “soon”. He would tell everyone he loves me and plans on marrying me, but then he had no intentions of bringing me back home, or at least now he didn’t.
About three weeks ago, I'm driving 2,000 miles back to Illinois to be with him. I wanted to try and get our relationship back on track. I think he panicked or something because he told me hates me, he's not in love with me anymore and I'm the reason why he has nothing in life. I'm so heartbroken because I have put so much time and effort into our relationship. I just can't grasp what happened. What did I or did not do? Now, he tells me he will always love me and that he's not going anywhere. What the hell does that mean? He told me doesn't want anything with me, but he will take care of me forever. His family and friends (real friends) have tried to get him help but he denies he has a problem. The more people try to help him, the more he grows resentful towards me. Can you please tell me why he did this to me? Why am I left here feeling guilty? I'm starting to believe the reasons why he said he had left me. I know others around me tried to convince me it's him and not me. It's really hard though, he's so good at manipulating and controlling the situation. He's also the world’s greatest liar. Why do alcoholics inflict so much pain on their loved ones? Do they ever come to the realization the pain they've caused? Will I ever get closure from him? He is about to lose the greatest job he could ever have, but he doesn't care. Just like he doesn’t care that he lost the best thing in world (that’s me). His family and our friends know I was the best thing in the world for him, but I guess he didn’t care or see it. His boss/friend called me a few days ago and said, my ex is missing tons of work and he's going to have to fire him if he doesn't start following through. My ex is so angry and blames everyone for everything, especially me. I'm sure if he loses his job he'll blame me for that too.
Thank you for listening to me. I appreciate any advice - believe me!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Are you still in Chicago?
Do you have a job?
You want advise: get help for yourself..go to a therapist, Alanon and figure out why you put up with this behavior.
Don't you know you deserve better....
Yes - we all love our alcoholics....The trick is to love ourselves more.
There are 3 c's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it..
What you can do is focus on you and your life.
read the stickies at the top of the forum - read "Codependent No more" and decide that if you want to be with someone who will continue to progress into destruction as long as he is drinking...
Do you have a job?
You want advise: get help for yourself..go to a therapist, Alanon and figure out why you put up with this behavior.
Don't you know you deserve better....
Yes - we all love our alcoholics....The trick is to love ourselves more.
There are 3 c's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it..
What you can do is focus on you and your life.
read the stickies at the top of the forum - read "Codependent No more" and decide that if you want to be with someone who will continue to progress into destruction as long as he is drinking...
In Recovery
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 259
Amber,
I feel for you during this painful time. From your post, the ex A bf sounds like he is playing mind games with you...but, he's probably playing even bigger mind games on himself.
Alcoholics (takes one to know one) can get extremely self-centered, and the blaming...oh, that sounds familiar.
Some of the things he's said to you, though, are bona-fide abusive, regardless of the alcohol. As long as you are around, you'll be his convenient excuse for someone to blame everytime something goes "wrong."
I have recently come to understand that my contribution to/corruption of a relationship is never more or less than 50%....not 100%, as I had previously thought. Recognize that you are only responsible for 50%; good, bad, or in-between, but that you are responsible for that 50%. You say you always knew he was a heavy drinker: was that appealing to you in the beginning, or did you decide it was something you could live with? Be honest: did you think that you could love him enough to change/help him? (I have w/past relationships...he'll change for ME...ack!) You don't have to answer here...just answer for yourself.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Seek out an alanon group in your area, even if only to stop in and get some information. Maybe someone there can help you come up with ways of dealing with him. Detach...meaning (for me) love without caretaking.
I couldn't tell from reading your post if the two of you are living together. If not, refer the employer to ex bf's phone number, explaining that you will no longer take calls from them on his behalf.
I don't know that I can help you with your relationship issues...it could go anywhere from this point, but it sounds like he is on a downward spiral...and you're pretty much all he has left (thus, since none of it is his fault, it must be your fault...the ol' Go Home and Kick the Dog syndrome). All I can tell you is to take care of yourself. Maybe take some time away from him, letting him know you need a break (he'll most likely tell you he loves you and can't live without you or something like that...be prepared to answer that).
It sounds as though you are so wrapped up in him and his issues, that you have no time or energy left for yourself.
Keep Posting,
I feel for you during this painful time. From your post, the ex A bf sounds like he is playing mind games with you...but, he's probably playing even bigger mind games on himself.
Alcoholics (takes one to know one) can get extremely self-centered, and the blaming...oh, that sounds familiar.
Some of the things he's said to you, though, are bona-fide abusive, regardless of the alcohol. As long as you are around, you'll be his convenient excuse for someone to blame everytime something goes "wrong."
I have recently come to understand that my contribution to/corruption of a relationship is never more or less than 50%....not 100%, as I had previously thought. Recognize that you are only responsible for 50%; good, bad, or in-between, but that you are responsible for that 50%. You say you always knew he was a heavy drinker: was that appealing to you in the beginning, or did you decide it was something you could live with? Be honest: did you think that you could love him enough to change/help him? (I have w/past relationships...he'll change for ME...ack!) You don't have to answer here...just answer for yourself.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Seek out an alanon group in your area, even if only to stop in and get some information. Maybe someone there can help you come up with ways of dealing with him. Detach...meaning (for me) love without caretaking.
I couldn't tell from reading your post if the two of you are living together. If not, refer the employer to ex bf's phone number, explaining that you will no longer take calls from them on his behalf.
I don't know that I can help you with your relationship issues...it could go anywhere from this point, but it sounds like he is on a downward spiral...and you're pretty much all he has left (thus, since none of it is his fault, it must be your fault...the ol' Go Home and Kick the Dog syndrome). All I can tell you is to take care of yourself. Maybe take some time away from him, letting him know you need a break (he'll most likely tell you he loves you and can't live without you or something like that...be prepared to answer that).
It sounds as though you are so wrapped up in him and his issues, that you have no time or energy left for yourself.
Keep Posting,
Member
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Somewhere there is peace of mind
Posts: 210
I can't really say anything that hasn't been said already. Get some help for yourself, therapy and/or Alanon. You need to be around people that will remind you that the insanity is not of your making.
I found the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was invaluable to me when I was newly sober and married to a practicing alcoholic. Codependent No More is another awesome book.
Glad you found SR.
I found the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was invaluable to me when I was newly sober and married to a practicing alcoholic. Codependent No More is another awesome book.
Glad you found SR.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Amber. You've found a great place to be for the situation that you are in.
Man, did your post bring back unpleasant memories for me. I totally understand your pain and frustration of what you are going through. My ex used to say similar (and worse) things to me. It hurt, a lot!! Oh, and according to him, I single handedly ruined his entire life! I never knew I had soooo much power (NOT)!
As time went on, I learned to understand that all his verbal ugliness had absolutely nothing to do with me. Instead, it was a reflection of all the ugliness and torment that lived within him, only he couldn't see it. I doubt that he does today.
If you read through the posts here, you will see that how your ex treats you is a common characteristic of alcoholics. Don't take it personally....so easy to say....so much harder to do!
Learn to take care of yourself....I know you want answers; trust that you will get them 'in time'! They may not be the answers you want, but they will be the answers that 'you need'! Often there is a difference between the two.
Keep posting, keep reading, and keep learning to take care of yourself. Maybe give Al-Anon and some Melody Beattie books on codependency a try!
Again, welcome to SR!
Man, did your post bring back unpleasant memories for me. I totally understand your pain and frustration of what you are going through. My ex used to say similar (and worse) things to me. It hurt, a lot!! Oh, and according to him, I single handedly ruined his entire life! I never knew I had soooo much power (NOT)!
As time went on, I learned to understand that all his verbal ugliness had absolutely nothing to do with me. Instead, it was a reflection of all the ugliness and torment that lived within him, only he couldn't see it. I doubt that he does today.
If you read through the posts here, you will see that how your ex treats you is a common characteristic of alcoholics. Don't take it personally....so easy to say....so much harder to do!
Learn to take care of yourself....I know you want answers; trust that you will get them 'in time'! They may not be the answers you want, but they will be the answers that 'you need'! Often there is a difference between the two.
Keep posting, keep reading, and keep learning to take care of yourself. Maybe give Al-Anon and some Melody Beattie books on codependency a try!
Again, welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Welcome to SR Amber
Of course you are hurt, you have 8 years invested in this man, that's alot of time and love you've put into this relationship. I would strongly suggest you start attending ala-non for YOU. I think after several meetings you will begin to understand the many posts here and begin to feel that NO you are NOT responsible for him or his feelings. There feelings are no pushed down and numbed by there addiction, they don't even understand them. Pain is there medication towards recovery. Once they have collected enough pain, recovery is the way through that pain. We can't ever perdict how much pain is enough for them (hitting bottom). Or if they will ever feel enough pain to do something about it. Losing family, jobs and friends doesn't faze addicts, often it gets obsticles out of there way so that they can continue there addiciton without hearing any backlash or nagging. It gives them excuses so they won't have to look inwards at themselves. He won't see his fault in losing his job, it will be someones elses. I would suggest that you keep posting, keep an open mind and learn about ala-non and how and why you can use that help for yourself.
Of course you are hurt, you have 8 years invested in this man, that's alot of time and love you've put into this relationship. I would strongly suggest you start attending ala-non for YOU. I think after several meetings you will begin to understand the many posts here and begin to feel that NO you are NOT responsible for him or his feelings. There feelings are no pushed down and numbed by there addiction, they don't even understand them. Pain is there medication towards recovery. Once they have collected enough pain, recovery is the way through that pain. We can't ever perdict how much pain is enough for them (hitting bottom). Or if they will ever feel enough pain to do something about it. Losing family, jobs and friends doesn't faze addicts, often it gets obsticles out of there way so that they can continue there addiciton without hearing any backlash or nagging. It gives them excuses so they won't have to look inwards at themselves. He won't see his fault in losing his job, it will be someones elses. I would suggest that you keep posting, keep an open mind and learn about ala-non and how and why you can use that help for yourself.
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