i GUESS THIS IS WHERE I NEED TO BE
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: RECOVERY STATE
Posts: 12
i GUESS THIS IS WHERE I NEED TO BE
What do I do to change??
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I have posted this at 2 different forums and was suggested to be here.
I feel desperate my problem is this I grew up being a only child with a mother that was a alcholic drug addict and she married about 12 times. She died 2yrs ago. To say the least I followed the same road except for the marrages. I have 6 years clean and sober, and I attend regular meetings, for me my problem is relationships I tend to latch on to the ones that are unavailable for me, I have been in this one now for 5 years off and on off and on, I am so sick and tired of being cheated on lied to,and used basically. He was in recovery 8 years and decided to go back out so I left.
Sounds great right? wrong now I see him allow him to see other women and go against everything I believe or at least I think I belive in, I have made several attempts not to be apart of his life but the more he treats me bad the more I want..
I can support my family just fine and have been without him. I cant even blame him any more because it boils down to me, the needing of the dsyfunction and the just 5 minutes of love, and feeeling needed or wanted.
This is not the only relationship I have been in where I feel like this it has been all of them, I am turning 40 years old this year and I am miserable. The little girl inside wants to be healed, I wont even date because I am scared to death to get into another sick relationship and so it seems easier and more familar to stay here in this sickness. I love him but I also feel empty everytime I leave from being with him.
I have seen several physc. and they put me on meds for different things the last one was for bipolar, I havent been on meds for about 1 year now and I feel great, I just dont know where to start as far as this codependant sick twisted internal stuff how do I heal? I have read every book out there, Im sad, I want help.
Thank you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------I have posted this at 2 different forums and was suggested to be here.
I feel desperate my problem is this I grew up being a only child with a mother that was a alcholic drug addict and she married about 12 times. She died 2yrs ago. To say the least I followed the same road except for the marrages. I have 6 years clean and sober, and I attend regular meetings, for me my problem is relationships I tend to latch on to the ones that are unavailable for me, I have been in this one now for 5 years off and on off and on, I am so sick and tired of being cheated on lied to,and used basically. He was in recovery 8 years and decided to go back out so I left.
Sounds great right? wrong now I see him allow him to see other women and go against everything I believe or at least I think I belive in, I have made several attempts not to be apart of his life but the more he treats me bad the more I want..
I can support my family just fine and have been without him. I cant even blame him any more because it boils down to me, the needing of the dsyfunction and the just 5 minutes of love, and feeeling needed or wanted.
This is not the only relationship I have been in where I feel like this it has been all of them, I am turning 40 years old this year and I am miserable. The little girl inside wants to be healed, I wont even date because I am scared to death to get into another sick relationship and so it seems easier and more familar to stay here in this sickness. I love him but I also feel empty everytime I leave from being with him.
I have seen several physc. and they put me on meds for different things the last one was for bipolar, I havent been on meds for about 1 year now and I feel great, I just dont know where to start as far as this codependant sick twisted internal stuff how do I heal? I have read every book out there, Im sad, I want help.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there tbReno, and welcome to Adult Children
Congratulations on your 6yrs, that's awesome. As others have suggested in your previous threads, al-anon and nar-anon are great places to heal those relationship problems. I found al-anon to be wonderful, their books, pamphlets and meetings did me a world of good.
Here's the Nevada al-anon webbie
http://www.nevadaal-anon.org/
and here's the meetings in Reno
http://www.nevadaal-anon.org/nonvmeetinglist.html
Check out some of those meetings, and especially check out the books they have available. I learned a lot about me and how I become "addicted" to unhealthy realationship.
As far as where to start healing, you can start by finding a sponsor. You mentioned that your are familiar with the 12 steps, so you can start with the first step of Al-Anon. I recommend the book "Paths to Recovery", which goes over the steps and tradition one at a time. That book showed my the path to _my_ recovery, and I think you'll find it helpful. You said you have read every book out there, so you may already have this one.
Another thing that helped me a lot when i first started was to get the phone list from every meeting I could, then I called every person on that list and asked _them_ how they were working the program so that I could see what would be useful to me.
Welcome again to Adult Children, and please keep posting whatever questions you have, that's what we're here for.
Mike
Congratulations on your 6yrs, that's awesome. As others have suggested in your previous threads, al-anon and nar-anon are great places to heal those relationship problems. I found al-anon to be wonderful, their books, pamphlets and meetings did me a world of good.
Here's the Nevada al-anon webbie
http://www.nevadaal-anon.org/
and here's the meetings in Reno
http://www.nevadaal-anon.org/nonvmeetinglist.html
Check out some of those meetings, and especially check out the books they have available. I learned a lot about me and how I become "addicted" to unhealthy realationship.
As far as where to start healing, you can start by finding a sponsor. You mentioned that your are familiar with the 12 steps, so you can start with the first step of Al-Anon. I recommend the book "Paths to Recovery", which goes over the steps and tradition one at a time. That book showed my the path to _my_ recovery, and I think you'll find it helpful. You said you have read every book out there, so you may already have this one.
Another thing that helped me a lot when i first started was to get the phone list from every meeting I could, then I called every person on that list and asked _them_ how they were working the program so that I could see what would be useful to me.
Welcome again to Adult Children, and please keep posting whatever questions you have, that's what we're here for.
Mike
In Recovery
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 259
Hey, ((((TB Reno))))
Boy, can I relate to what you say. One way of being able to deny that I have an addictive personality was to change my addictions...from booze to relationships (abusive, of course), to food, to external materialism, back to booze, and so on.
I have found that for me, On-again-off-again is actually just OFF, with intermittent lapses of reason in between (like friends with benefits? F*&% buddies? Boy, do those hurt!!). There is a reason why it went off in the first place.
My history is rife with break-ups from years ago, getting back together only to realize that there WAS a reason why we split up...but, feeling guilty (and then getting married!! ACK!!) that I led him on, so I was obligated to follow-through (with sex/commitment/marriage...real smart).
Here is something I now ask myself...How do I feel when I'm around him/her?
Also...How do I feel About Myself when I'm around him/her? What do I say to myself? I've found that for me, the best relationships (platonic, at this point) have been ones where I don't think or say anything to or about myself...I'm just free to be who I am, and to feel and express what I'm feeling right at that moment...and don't need to fear others' judgment/critique of me.
I found a lot of help at www.adultchildren.org
Something I've learned via my ACOA group/friends, is that so many psychological disorders can be rooted in our upbringing...and, for me (depression, mostly, but also codependency and self-diagnosed borderline) healing my inner child (that Girl Inside who just wants to love and be loved), helped me to work through some of these.
*However, some have a bona-fide biochemical root...so please continue your meds*
Have you read: "Codependent No More" or "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie? If so, maybe you are ready to move to "Finding your Way Home: A Soul Survival Kit." Reading that book helped me to realize that I had sold my soul for the sake of security, marrying someone who I didn't want, didn't love, and who wasn't at all right for me.
Janet Woititz has written some very good books about Adult Children.
I'm not sure of the author, but I really enjoyed the book (written in the late 1980s?), "The 12 Steps for Adult Children," Based on the 12 Steps of AA and Alanon, but edited slightly to suit our unique frame of reference.
Do you know another woman you can talk to about this? Anyone who's also dealt with the same types of relationship issues you are now? If you honestly have no one else, please know you can always come back here to read and post!!
Take Care,
Boy, can I relate to what you say. One way of being able to deny that I have an addictive personality was to change my addictions...from booze to relationships (abusive, of course), to food, to external materialism, back to booze, and so on.
I have found that for me, On-again-off-again is actually just OFF, with intermittent lapses of reason in between (like friends with benefits? F*&% buddies? Boy, do those hurt!!). There is a reason why it went off in the first place.
My history is rife with break-ups from years ago, getting back together only to realize that there WAS a reason why we split up...but, feeling guilty (and then getting married!! ACK!!) that I led him on, so I was obligated to follow-through (with sex/commitment/marriage...real smart).
Here is something I now ask myself...How do I feel when I'm around him/her?
Also...How do I feel About Myself when I'm around him/her? What do I say to myself? I've found that for me, the best relationships (platonic, at this point) have been ones where I don't think or say anything to or about myself...I'm just free to be who I am, and to feel and express what I'm feeling right at that moment...and don't need to fear others' judgment/critique of me.
I found a lot of help at www.adultchildren.org
Something I've learned via my ACOA group/friends, is that so many psychological disorders can be rooted in our upbringing...and, for me (depression, mostly, but also codependency and self-diagnosed borderline) healing my inner child (that Girl Inside who just wants to love and be loved), helped me to work through some of these.
*However, some have a bona-fide biochemical root...so please continue your meds*
Have you read: "Codependent No More" or "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie? If so, maybe you are ready to move to "Finding your Way Home: A Soul Survival Kit." Reading that book helped me to realize that I had sold my soul for the sake of security, marrying someone who I didn't want, didn't love, and who wasn't at all right for me.
Janet Woititz has written some very good books about Adult Children.
I'm not sure of the author, but I really enjoyed the book (written in the late 1980s?), "The 12 Steps for Adult Children," Based on the 12 Steps of AA and Alanon, but edited slightly to suit our unique frame of reference.
Do you know another woman you can talk to about this? Anyone who's also dealt with the same types of relationship issues you are now? If you honestly have no one else, please know you can always come back here to read and post!!
Take Care,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: RECOVERY STATE
Posts: 12
Thank you so much for the information, I know I need to get real with the situation, just reading what you wrote brought tears to my eyes. I will go get more reading materal and continue some outside help, Thank you for caring.
Tisha
Tisha
Recovering perpetual kid...
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Layton Utah
Posts: 219
My parents were both alcoholic and my Dad was an addict too. I watched their disease ruin their marriage, and eventually kill them both. I followed in their foot steps as far as addiction and alcoholism. But, I don't want to die like them. I want to be here for my family. Find help and take care of yourself. You can't make anyone change, nor help them until they are ready for help and willing to receive it...
Hang loose, Doc.
Hang loose, Doc.
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