I realize now why I use to love drama
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
I realize now why I use to love drama
hello family
It's all coming together now.
I feel like I've hit a new level of awareness in self reflection, I can't help but think one of the biggest changes in my life was been with an alcoholic who ended up saving my life by leaving. It was only been at that surreal moment that I realized something is very wrong, nothing made sense, everything seemed impossible.
when I look for help everyone knew who I was more than I knew myself,I got mad but the truth sank in and brought a realization to me. Everything that I thought was normal was actually very not normal. In my adulthood I would only say the last year and a half I've had blessing to experience normality. It was only from experiencing normal that I could think clearly and I can't tell you how much realization can come to you when you can think in a healthy manner.
I always wonder if I'm the only one it goes through such emotions but just as I did when I first joined this forum I thought I was alone, in fact it turns out that my story was probably one of the most common ones, it is in fact in the beginning chapters of codependent no more and in movies have been made out of it
my love for drama came from a lack of attention and now I am realizing lack of attention came from loneliness, I wondered why I love to rave so much, why I like people who treat me bad, and why I did crazy things.
When I did those crazy things and when I go to raves and when I find people who are not healthy, those were times that made me so happy for ever a brief time of happiness. But because I was not happy normally when I felt some happiness it was extreme happy.
That's why I loved the rave in LA,because everyone was nice to me everyone was easy to become friends with and I felt popular. But they are all unhealthy relationships filled with a lot of trouble, gang and drug related, criminals.
That's why I run from the police all my motorcycle, in hindsight I remember what I felt when I was arrested, partially shocked and confused but yet I enjoyed being the center of attention for a while. It sounds sicken at the time I'm not aware of it, it's only now when I review my history I see it. It probably came from loneliness
I remember I would go to really bad clubs, because there was a lot of unhealthy people who are willing to hook up very easily and I always felt popular. This became my external fuel every week to try to fulfill an empty void inside me. Probably from loneliness
And I think the reason why I dated my ex for three years despite how that she treated me was due to a low self-esteem
and because I have low self-esteem that would also explain why I'm only because I don't believe people want to be friends with me
It's only now that I can truly see it, I don't know how it happened but I ended up with a very healthy very normal very beautiful amazing girlfriend. She not only helps me become healthier but she has kept me sane because she is not unhealthy.
I never knew normal to be so amazing maybe if I had grew up with normal I will just think this is normal. But whatever the case I'm filled with joy every day my strength in every area has increased to levels I didn't think was possible. The turning point was at the crash of my experience with an alcoholic, what I would describe as the worst fall of my life which turned out to be the beginning of saving my life
I'm curious about other people's recovery and if other people are sometimes amazed by the beauty of normal
It's all coming together now.
I feel like I've hit a new level of awareness in self reflection, I can't help but think one of the biggest changes in my life was been with an alcoholic who ended up saving my life by leaving. It was only been at that surreal moment that I realized something is very wrong, nothing made sense, everything seemed impossible.
when I look for help everyone knew who I was more than I knew myself,I got mad but the truth sank in and brought a realization to me. Everything that I thought was normal was actually very not normal. In my adulthood I would only say the last year and a half I've had blessing to experience normality. It was only from experiencing normal that I could think clearly and I can't tell you how much realization can come to you when you can think in a healthy manner.
I always wonder if I'm the only one it goes through such emotions but just as I did when I first joined this forum I thought I was alone, in fact it turns out that my story was probably one of the most common ones, it is in fact in the beginning chapters of codependent no more and in movies have been made out of it
my love for drama came from a lack of attention and now I am realizing lack of attention came from loneliness, I wondered why I love to rave so much, why I like people who treat me bad, and why I did crazy things.
When I did those crazy things and when I go to raves and when I find people who are not healthy, those were times that made me so happy for ever a brief time of happiness. But because I was not happy normally when I felt some happiness it was extreme happy.
That's why I loved the rave in LA,because everyone was nice to me everyone was easy to become friends with and I felt popular. But they are all unhealthy relationships filled with a lot of trouble, gang and drug related, criminals.
That's why I run from the police all my motorcycle, in hindsight I remember what I felt when I was arrested, partially shocked and confused but yet I enjoyed being the center of attention for a while. It sounds sicken at the time I'm not aware of it, it's only now when I review my history I see it. It probably came from loneliness
I remember I would go to really bad clubs, because there was a lot of unhealthy people who are willing to hook up very easily and I always felt popular. This became my external fuel every week to try to fulfill an empty void inside me. Probably from loneliness
And I think the reason why I dated my ex for three years despite how that she treated me was due to a low self-esteem
and because I have low self-esteem that would also explain why I'm only because I don't believe people want to be friends with me
It's only now that I can truly see it, I don't know how it happened but I ended up with a very healthy very normal very beautiful amazing girlfriend. She not only helps me become healthier but she has kept me sane because she is not unhealthy.
I never knew normal to be so amazing maybe if I had grew up with normal I will just think this is normal. But whatever the case I'm filled with joy every day my strength in every area has increased to levels I didn't think was possible. The turning point was at the crash of my experience with an alcoholic, what I would describe as the worst fall of my life which turned out to be the beginning of saving my life
I'm curious about other people's recovery and if other people are sometimes amazed by the beauty of normal
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Code, I like your post. It sounds as though you've been doing a lot of searching of within yourself and making progress.
Am I amazed at the beauty of normal?
Yes.
Just last week, I had taken my kids out for back-to-school shopping. Three teens is enough to drive anyone crazy when shopping the mall together! LOL. But you know - there was a time that this event didn't happen. A time when AH would not go to the mall with us, was so unemotionally involved in doing things like this (school shopping being just one of them) that it wasn't even fun. It was boring and mundane - almost as though it were a chore for him.
The kids and I had fun, I was exhausted at the end of the day, and I spent too much money! LOL. But you know - that was something I'd always wanted to do. Go have fun with my kids doing something so normal as taking them to the mall. It was awesome. We've done it before, but just this last time it dawned on me just how much we'd missed out by not having done it when they were little.
That's just one small example. I think that the realization has been dawning on me alot lately as to how things that are normal are just a part of what makes me happy. I always wanted that normal life. I have come to realize that I can have that normal life without AH. Yes, the normal life I had dreamt of once included AH - but that dream wasn't meant to be. So the kids and I go to festivals, we go to the mall, we go do things alot now, normal things - and I enjoy every moment of it. There is no one there lessening our enjoyment because he doesn't want to be there. No one showing up drunk, late, or not at all. No more broken promises of the things that we'll do and never do - I do it now.
I'm not really sure if I've actually answered your question. I guess I just find that "normal" really is a lot of fun. My life is to be enjoyed and I'm enjoying it. I appreciate my life so much. I was just thinking earlier tonight how I always appreciated life - but I didn't appreciate it enough to act on it. All the things that I let pass by, all the years that I was miserable, etc.....what a sad thing. I appreciate life now, I try to make the most of it, I enjoy it, and I am grateful for the opportunities that I get everyday to live it!
I'm glad to hear that you are doing so much recovery work Code, finding answers as to why we are the way we are, I feel is such a major step.
Am I amazed at the beauty of normal?
Yes.
Just last week, I had taken my kids out for back-to-school shopping. Three teens is enough to drive anyone crazy when shopping the mall together! LOL. But you know - there was a time that this event didn't happen. A time when AH would not go to the mall with us, was so unemotionally involved in doing things like this (school shopping being just one of them) that it wasn't even fun. It was boring and mundane - almost as though it were a chore for him.
The kids and I had fun, I was exhausted at the end of the day, and I spent too much money! LOL. But you know - that was something I'd always wanted to do. Go have fun with my kids doing something so normal as taking them to the mall. It was awesome. We've done it before, but just this last time it dawned on me just how much we'd missed out by not having done it when they were little.
That's just one small example. I think that the realization has been dawning on me alot lately as to how things that are normal are just a part of what makes me happy. I always wanted that normal life. I have come to realize that I can have that normal life without AH. Yes, the normal life I had dreamt of once included AH - but that dream wasn't meant to be. So the kids and I go to festivals, we go to the mall, we go do things alot now, normal things - and I enjoy every moment of it. There is no one there lessening our enjoyment because he doesn't want to be there. No one showing up drunk, late, or not at all. No more broken promises of the things that we'll do and never do - I do it now.
I'm not really sure if I've actually answered your question. I guess I just find that "normal" really is a lot of fun. My life is to be enjoyed and I'm enjoying it. I appreciate my life so much. I was just thinking earlier tonight how I always appreciated life - but I didn't appreciate it enough to act on it. All the things that I let pass by, all the years that I was miserable, etc.....what a sad thing. I appreciate life now, I try to make the most of it, I enjoy it, and I am grateful for the opportunities that I get everyday to live it!
I'm glad to hear that you are doing so much recovery work Code, finding answers as to why we are the way we are, I feel is such a major step.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Code, I like your post. It sounds as though you've been doing a lot of searching of within yourself and making progress.
Am I amazed at the beauty of normal?
Yes.
Just last week, I had taken my kids out for back-to-school shopping. Three teens is enough to drive anyone crazy when shopping the mall together! LOL. But you know - there was a time that this event didn't happen. A time when AH would not go to the mall with us, was so unemotionally involved in doing things like this (school shopping being just one of them) that it wasn't even fun. It was boring and mundane - almost as though it were a chore for him.
The kids and I had fun, I was exhausted at the end of the day, and I spent too much money! LOL. But you know - that was something I'd always wanted to do. Go have fun with my kids doing something so normal as taking them to the mall. It was awesome. We've done it before, but just this last time it dawned on me just how much we'd missed out by not having done it when they were little.
That's just one small example. I think that the realization has been dawning on me alot lately as to how things that are normal are just a part of what makes me happy. I always wanted that normal life. I have come to realize that I can have that normal life without AH. Yes, the normal life I had dreamt of once included AH - but that dream wasn't meant to be. So the kids and I go to festivals, we go to the mall, we go do things alot now, normal things - and I enjoy every moment of it. There is no one there lessening our enjoyment because he doesn't want to be there. No one showing up drunk, late, or not at all. No more broken promises of the things that we'll do and never do - I do it now.
I'm not really sure if I've actually answered your question. I guess I just find that "normal" really is a lot of fun. My life is to be enjoyed and I'm enjoying it. I appreciate my life so much. I was just thinking earlier tonight how I always appreciated life - but I didn't appreciate it enough to act on it. All the things that I let pass by, all the years that I was miserable, etc.....what a sad thing. I appreciate life now, I try to make the most of it, I enjoy it, and I am grateful for the opportunities that I get everyday to live it!
I'm glad to hear that you are doing so much recovery work Code, finding answers as to why we are the way we are, I feel is such a major step.
Am I amazed at the beauty of normal?
Yes.
Just last week, I had taken my kids out for back-to-school shopping. Three teens is enough to drive anyone crazy when shopping the mall together! LOL. But you know - there was a time that this event didn't happen. A time when AH would not go to the mall with us, was so unemotionally involved in doing things like this (school shopping being just one of them) that it wasn't even fun. It was boring and mundane - almost as though it were a chore for him.
The kids and I had fun, I was exhausted at the end of the day, and I spent too much money! LOL. But you know - that was something I'd always wanted to do. Go have fun with my kids doing something so normal as taking them to the mall. It was awesome. We've done it before, but just this last time it dawned on me just how much we'd missed out by not having done it when they were little.
That's just one small example. I think that the realization has been dawning on me alot lately as to how things that are normal are just a part of what makes me happy. I always wanted that normal life. I have come to realize that I can have that normal life without AH. Yes, the normal life I had dreamt of once included AH - but that dream wasn't meant to be. So the kids and I go to festivals, we go to the mall, we go do things alot now, normal things - and I enjoy every moment of it. There is no one there lessening our enjoyment because he doesn't want to be there. No one showing up drunk, late, or not at all. No more broken promises of the things that we'll do and never do - I do it now.
I'm not really sure if I've actually answered your question. I guess I just find that "normal" really is a lot of fun. My life is to be enjoyed and I'm enjoying it. I appreciate my life so much. I was just thinking earlier tonight how I always appreciated life - but I didn't appreciate it enough to act on it. All the things that I let pass by, all the years that I was miserable, etc.....what a sad thing. I appreciate life now, I try to make the most of it, I enjoy it, and I am grateful for the opportunities that I get everyday to live it!
I'm glad to hear that you are doing so much recovery work Code, finding answers as to why we are the way we are, I feel is such a major step.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Another thing on the topic of loving drama.....
Ah and I can go awhile with no contact. We can even go awhile and get along. However, something always ends up happening (an arguement) and I end up going and blowing up at him eventually.
Why?
I've given that a lot of thought. I think that emotionally, I am trying to reach him. To get him to understand how I feel, etc.
But on another level, I have to wonder if these arguements/blow ups happen simply because it's the only way that we actually know how to relate to each other.
Ah and agree that we totally don't know how to communicate anymore!
So I don't think it's that I miss the drama or love it - I think for us, it's a way of relating in a way that we know how too.
We've both been working on that and haven't had a blow up in awhile.
Just keep working on yourself Code.
Ah and I can go awhile with no contact. We can even go awhile and get along. However, something always ends up happening (an arguement) and I end up going and blowing up at him eventually.
Why?
I've given that a lot of thought. I think that emotionally, I am trying to reach him. To get him to understand how I feel, etc.
But on another level, I have to wonder if these arguements/blow ups happen simply because it's the only way that we actually know how to relate to each other.
Ah and agree that we totally don't know how to communicate anymore!
So I don't think it's that I miss the drama or love it - I think for us, it's a way of relating in a way that we know how too.
We've both been working on that and haven't had a blow up in awhile.
Just keep working on yourself Code.
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