cupressus

Dear members,

this is my first post. I am glad to see you are very welcoming to everybody. I hope I find others with the same problem I have... I exactly know and read all advises about letting alcohol down or taking away its role as my partner in life. However, I am not performing any of the actions, always waiting for the "right time" or tomorrow or next week. Having just one more time, just tonight, just this glass.

I drink since I stopped the use of weed about 5 years ago and had problems socializing back to people. I started working behind the counter in a bar where the whole staff was drinking, and kept partying on after closure. I got used to this very quickly, but for the first 2 years it did not appeal to anyone, they thought I was a great partyface and everybody admired that they can never tell I am drunk, no matter how many shots and beers we had.

Now, that has changed. I am down to a point where I start talking rubbish, often offensing people with theories I cant even believe I had said when I wake up. Of course I never stop until I almost black out, though never faint or throw up, but always remember things only up to a point of the evening.
I drink 2-5 times a week like this, and, sadly, prefer now to do it at home and alone. Having to talk to people or going to places tires me. I have a very dependent boyfriend who sometimes even drinks with me and comes over to me if I dont go to his place. He gets me the drinks if I set my mind to drinking. If he resisted I would leave the place and go get the drinks myself.

The problems started getting serious about 2 years ago with bedwetting which is a terrible, recurring problem, happens 1-2 times a month. I wonder if that ever happens to anyone, I have a week bladder anyway and was never able to hold it for a long time. When I wake up in the morning I am so ashamed of it, but after the cleaning and the long day passed, the memory does not stop me from getting the beers again. This is the worst part, and the hangover at the workplace. The strange thing is, that in the course of these 5 years, I got from bartending to a serious job that I feel very comitted to, a nice company car, a nice place and settled all my earlier financial problems. I am only spending money on food and beer, literally.

I know I should just start going to the gym, which gives a very positive state of mind, and return to my hobby of taking pictures and playing the piano, which is there, getting dusty.
At the same time, I feel the problem is (and correct me if I am wrong, but I think others have this, too), that I cannot say I am unhappy, and need a different life. I feel this is good as it is, and it does not get me going on another way. Time to time I panick from the symptoms, which go away soon, and panick from the fact that I have not been in a movie theater for 3 months, but when the job's done, and I am home, I grab that beer again.

Anyone who has gotten out of a similar i-am-fine-actually-situation, and could tell me, would be very appreciated.

2dayzmuse

I was always waiting for the right time also, but it never came. Drinking was the first and foremost thing on my list of priorities. At the time, I would have denied that fact or not recognized it. Today, I know that factor to be true and can see it clearly. It was always about the booze. I guess when you are good and ready you will deal with your situation.

I know alcohol brought me into some embarrassing situations. I think we all have experienced something similar at one point or another. Focus on quitting for a period of time. People usually shoot for a 30 day period. Take up your hobbies again, go to the gym and view life through sober eyes. See what you think and make some observations about yourself and how you are living life.

I had a serious, serious problem with alcohol. I denied my problem for years. It got to the point where I could no longer deny it. It was staring me right in the face. I dealt with it, made a commitment to sobriety, and today I am very happy in life. I can say that when I was drinking, I was not happy. I was searching, searching for happiness in a bottle. I never found it, but found plenty of sadness, shame, guilt and chaos. I wish you well and hope you find what you are seeking and just know, there is plenty of support out there. Welcome...

Anna

Hi Cupressus,

Welcome and I'm glad you found us.

Reading your post it sounds to me like you haven't made up your mind that alcohol is a problem in your life, that you're not sure. It's really hard to stopi drinking and you need a lot of motivation to stay sober. But, you don't have to hit 'bottom' in order to find that motivation.

I hope you keep reading and posting.

Candy Scratch

Cupressus,

Welcome to SR. It sounds like you are ready to stop drinking. You are like so many of us here, from the sounds of it. You wish to stop, you know what to do, but talk yourself out of it over and over and over again. If you are blacking out (losing your memories) and hungover time after time, then it sounds like you do have a problem stopping once you get started.

This site is FULL of information to help you. You don't have to go through this by yourself.

Hugs,
Candy Scratch

cupressus

Thanks for everyone for replying to this. 2dayzmuse, I am beyond denying this is a problem, but feel far from making a commitment like you did :[ was there a certain point, an accident, to launch it, or is it like with relationships, suddenly you just feel you dont want to do it any more...?
51anna, I do not want to hit the bottom - I read a couple of stories here and saw there are people who drank 30 years along. Some might never hit the bottom? Thinking of ending up in a hospital is really scary.
Candy Scratch, talking myself out unfortunately consists of a move like thunder, towards the fridge and grabbing something or my wallet and hit the store. When this happens, it is not like a conversation. It is like somebody blew my brain out and I merely consist of physical reactions. I dont even feel anything until I had my first 2-3 beers. Then I feel really nice. Until the next morning:[

2dayzmuse

I used to do the same thing, would react and the next thing I knew I was at the store buying more wine. I would tell myself, no, not today. I'm not going to drink today and 2 minutes later I had my shoes on and was heading out the door.

You asked if there was a certain point that I reached that brought me to the point of quitting. Yes, there was. I didn't have an accident or anything horribly life altering yet, but I know it was just around the corner. I lost 3 jobs in 3 years due to drinking. I had gotten to the point where I would drink on the job. I never would have believed I would reach that point, but I did. I had become physically addicted to alcohol and needed it to feel normal, to function. Imagine that, I used to drink to escape my feelings. Then, I had to drink to feel normal. I had to get to the point where I had to really want it to get it. I had to lose myself and no longer was living in reality. I was living in a constant booze filled state.

I hated the fact that I no longer had control, the booze did. I had to learn to accept the fact that I had the control to choose. I had control if I didn't pick up that drink. If I picked up, I never knew what was going to happen. I was going down hill quick and I knew that if I didn't stop, alcohol would take my life physically. It had already taken it mentally and emotionally. I chose to draw the line there. No more misery...I had to quit to live.

TexasDawn

Welcome to SR Cupressus.

I'm glad you are here at SR and that you are thinking about quitting. That is the first step! You are starting to realize that your life with alcohol is not what it should be. Even though you want to continue drinking, there is another part of you that knows that there is a better way to live.

It takes tremendous faith and courage to start walking that path of recovery. You have taken a big step just by coming here to SR and having the courage to post.

Do you believe in God (or a Higher Power)? I heard someone say in an AA meeting today that in the beginning of his recovery someone told him to:
"Pray for the willingness to be willing".

Just start by doing that, even if it feels fake. It takes faith to even breath that tiny prayer. Ask for God to open your eyes and give you faith and hope that there is a better way to live.

Everybody's rock bottom is different. Maybe you can quit before you lose everything like so many others have. Just start with one day. Just one day. I hope you can find some AA meetings in your area. They have really helped me. And SR helps too! It's here 24/7!

Prayers and hugs being sent your way.

cupressus

This sounds worse to me than where I am. My level of drinking has not changed in the past 3 years, that is, 2-4 times a week 6-7 beers evenings, and Friday/Saturday hanging out and doing shots between the beers (3-4), but that part is sort of what everyone is doing here, problem is the weekday thing.
These amounts tend to knock me out to a point where I never remember the last 30-60 minutes (getting home, getting to bed and the conversations in this period).
I never feel tempted to have a drink during the day, not even if I havent had one for more days. It happens once in a while but I only drink the obligatory 1, because it does not feel good.

It really surprises me you write "to escape my feelings" , I have read this also in other posts. The way I feel is that I surpress my feelings all the time, but when I am drunk, that is when I "let" these feelings flow through my mind. This is why I prefer drinking alone, I sort of just sit and go through what happened with me and what I feel and think about it, and start having ideas. I feel like I had to hold my breath for xx hours and now I do not have to. It reminds me of weed smoking, where you also saw things from a different perspective, sheding light on things you missed. I feel though there is a big difference in psychedelics usage for altering state of mind, and alcohol. With the latter one, it seems, this big "letout of feelings" is a trap, because nothing changes the next day. I carry on with this surpression-style, and waiting to be able to "relax" again, but the relief never really comes...

I assume, saying you "never believed you get to that point", applies to everyone, nobody believes they will lose jobs or become physically addicted. So it applies to me also, though I do not see it would cost my job (being late is tolerated somewhat). I wonder what the first signs are. Did you gradually raise portions, or just started having a quick sip before leaving to work in order to get phisycally better?

cupressus

Dear TexasDawn,

thank you also for your support. (and for the hug)

I do not believe in God, nor am I a member of any religious group. I hope that is not a problem, seems like believers can also be a victim of alcohol.

I would not attend an AA meeting here, everybody knows each other in this city. I personally know a lot more people than I want to. I would not risk that. But I feel 2dayzmuse already helped a lot and everyone else that posted.
It is very interesting to read people being honest about themselves and helpful, and not critisizing or turning away. Why is it always only people understand somebody's trouble that have or had trouble themselves?

2dayzmuse

It was all so progressive. I used to party on the weekends and occasionally during the week, but it wasn't a constant. Over the years it got to the point where I would grab a bottle of wine every night after work. Then I would find myself wanting more. There were a serious of events where I really started to bury myself into the drink to get through the difficult times. I was using it as a crutch. I don't know when I crossed over that line, there was no defining moment. It just seemed that one day I was totally dependant on booze and would start the morning with a sip to feel better and to stave off the shakes and anxiety. I would have terrible anxiety attacks brought on by my drinking. It just escalated from there.

When I would drink, I would let my feelings flow as well, but it was in a very unhealthy manner. I would stew and brew in my resentments. Everything that was bothering me, be it work, or my family, my ex, I would let it boil over and I would more or less obsess over it. Often times, I would drink and dial and call people to vent. Bless their hearts. The put up with my behavior. I have good friends.

cupressus

This sounds very, very, very dangerous to me. No matter how I believe I am in control, then this just happens. Although on my day afters, when I wake up, I feel terrible and soaking of alcohol so bad, I could not imagine drinking a single sip until I feel completely cleaned out and better. Did you have that? I need to shower and eat and drink water, this is all I want. In the past year, I stopped the earlier habit of calling in sick, and no matter what, I go to work, even if I am 2 hours late. That is partly because I really like my job and the people I work with. But also, I realized I can make it to work no matter what, and once I am there, it is easy.

I gradually stopped calling or texting people, too, like you used to, moreover, if somebody calls when I already drank, I do not pick up. I feel like I don't want to talk to people, I want to be alone. I just realized typing, that I actually barely call anyone unless I need something. I think I am alienated because of alcohol. I only go out if someone called me to go out.

In how many years did all this happen? What were the anxiety attacks like? I do get more like a paranoia attack from time to time, but had that as a kid as well. Were you afraid you had cancer or you are goint to die?

2dayzmuse

I would feel absolutely horrible and my first priority was to get a sip. I always made sure I had enough to get me going in the morning. It was insane, it really was.

I felt like I was in total control. Alcohol made sure of that, but I really wasn't. I always told myself that I could handle it, but I couldn't. I always felt like crap the next day and everyday when I woke up I would say why? Why did I do this again?

I always felt as if I could fool people and they wouldn't know I had been drinking, but they could tell. Whether it be in person or on the phone, the only person I was fooling was myself. I was lead to believe that I was being myself but I wasn't. I experienced this from the other side tonight. I had to make a phone call and the moment they said hello, I knew that they had been drinking. I just wanted to state my business and get off of the phone. I can not tolerate the behavior and find it frustrating. I know, hypicritical of me. Maybe something I need to work on.

I pretty much always over drank since I was in high school. Every time I drank I drank to get drunk, but I would go bouts without drinking. I could function in between drinking. It was about the last 5 years of my drinking where things really escalated. I would drink more and more and gotten to the point where I was not functioning without constant drink. Then, I wasn't functioning period, due to drink.

Alcohol causes anxiety. The first time I experienced an anxiety attack I felt a feeling of impending doom, feeling scared and shaking. I felt dizzy, light headed and nauseous. I would be severely claustrophobic and felt my chest becoming heavy and my breathing labored. I felt as if I was in severe physical distress, if not dying. The Dr. took one look at me in the emergency room and said you are having an anxiety attack and poo-pooed the whole situation. I couldn't believe that was the only thing wrong with me. I was hooked up to oxygen, and a heart monitor and felt extremely ridiculous over the entire situation. I was going through a divorce after 13 years of marriage and was drinking heavily to cope.

Since then, I could identify the anxiety and would know that it would pass and I wasn't dying. I used to get really anxious and would always reach for a drink to resolve it. I used to have to go to a convenience store to buy booze so I could walk into the local grocery store to buy more booze. Walking into a big store the walls would start to close in on me and I would begin to shake and a feeling of urgency would take over me. I would rush into the store, grab a few things and try to get out of there as fast as I could. There were a few times that I thought I would have to leave my cart and just run out of there. I would tell myself to breathe, breathe and I would make it to the check out stand. I would be shaking so bad I couldn't barely function to pay. It would be tough to sign my name. I had a hard time thinking and speaking straight. Once I got out of the store the first thing I would want to do would be to get a few sips into me. What a nightmare. Those days are behind me now and I don't have anxiety attacks anymore since I've quit drinking.

GreenTea

We are NOT alone!!!

2dayzmuse

Nope, we are not. Something I have taken note of over the years is how alcoholics new in recovery state how unique we all are. If you read enough and listen enough, we are not unique, but eerily very much the same.

cupressus

I already do not feel that I am in total control. If I was, I would get wasted once a week, say, Friday nights, and get 3-4 beers every 2nd Wednesday on our regular close circle coworkers afterwork pubgoing, but it is not what happens. Partly this is the other problem, that I would not like to quit completely, but reduce it to weekend non-home, dancing-running around social drinking. (I am never sick after those, dancing and walking over to places uses up the alcohol differently then sitting in the chair at home). I don't mind getting knocked out in a dancing place, as everybody is. This weekend thing is a very important part of my life. Is it impossible I can just go back to that? Is it either drinking nothing or complete destruction? That would be terrible.:[

I am really surprised you survived this whole thing, and have the power to talk about it on a regular basis, even after all this time. From the way you write, looks like alcohol has not managed to destroy your brain cells.
I am a recovered ED patient, had serious anorexia then bulimia from about 13 to 19, but I never look for forums and try not to think about it. Temptation to count calories and get hooked up with this what-do-i-look-like thing again would be too easy if I thought about it. I avoid the subject not to fall in the loop. I wonder if it is not emotionally worse for you to be here? Like a constant reminder of what happened..

The anxiety attacks are like from a horror movie. I am sure I never had one like this. I do have a terrible fear from dogs without a leash and phisycally get sick from panicking if one comes close to me, with an exploding heart, shaking knees, sweating palms and terrible fear, but I do everything not to get anywhere near a dog, it does not happen often. And it still is a Disney trip compared to what you wrote.

Didn't they find health damage after you quit?

cupressus

OK, I have managed to hold out last night without touching the 3 beers in the fridge. Touching would have been going to the store within 1.5 hrs to get another 6.

I am pretty sure I can live without it today, but tomorrow will be critical. The third or fourth day is always bad. Ending up drinking on Sunday nights is the worst, as Monday I need to focus at work a lot more than other days. The hangover Mondays are terrible.

StrongR2Day

This line stuck with me. I remember thinking the same thing at one time. It never occurred to me back then, that I was the one responsible for digging my own bottom, making it deeper and deeper. The things I said I would never do, I eventually did. I had dug a little further, promising I wouldn't go down any further than that.

Many people get out before they have to go too far down. I really hope you are one of them.

As for Sunday, take the day piece meal, sometimes even one day at a time is difficult to envision. Sometimes it's an hour or a minute at a time. Right now just take care of today, and prepare a bit for tomorrow. We'll be here.

cupressus

My problem is that my way of drinking has been rising for three, then stagnating since two years. The portions and the occurence are not rising, still, I recently started feeling ucomfortable about it.
I somehow do not feel it is getting worse, I just feel I should go back to the weekend partying drinking.

I feel a lot more comfortable having tons of drinks at home not touching it, other than not having anything being scared of becoming out of control. I would like to prove to myself I can still drink without having to spiral down in it, and I can have stuff in the fridge and not drink it. If I think about quitting completely, not ever drinking a sip, not buying liquor ever, makes me feel a bad person who cannot handle alcohol, and cannot handle herself...

I would like to see myself as a party drinker and a normal person. Is it possible, can I drink occasionally, not at home, not 3 times a week. If there is no liquor at home, I panick and go to the store. If there is, I spend long time considering to have one, and I feel better having the freedom to choose. Often I choose not to, becuase it gives me the feeling I am in control and makes me feel proud. I am planning on making this choice more often. Is this a trap? Is this another form of tapering (that everybody says it does not work)? I feel I am very strongly determined to build a healthy relationship with alcohol other than excluding it from my life. I want it to be like party drugs, I still take an extasy or LSD 2-3 times a year and enjoy the trip very much, but the next day I do not feel I need more.
I do not want to make the mistake of thinking I am in control of everything and just go down even worse. But I prefer seeing myself in an everyday relationship with alcohol, then a complete abstinent. I think I will try to do it this way, and this thread will be the proof wheather it works or not. If, after 2-3 months, I still am at drinking the same amount, you guys will see it and I will see it too. It will be a proof it does not work.
But I want to try.

cupressus

"If there is, I spend long time considering to have one, " - I have to correct on this one. If I had a good day, and feel OK, I do consider. But I realized if I had any negative impact at work, got stressed for not finding a park place, had an argument with my boyfriend, I hit the fridge before taking my shoes off in a glimpse.
And here is the other problem of oversensitivity, I often freak out from small problems that are the part of everyday life ad should be handled with a shrug. And not beer.:[

notsurewhat

Wow
That sounds so familiar. That was so me. I loved being the hostess with the mostess.
I Bartended/waitressed for a period of three years like that.(drinking while we work after hours ect) I quit my job to be a stay at home mom and wife.
At that point in time I could be a so called social drinker. I only drank on the weekends when we were entertaining.
My husband at that time was a managing alcoholic ,but the longer we were together the more beer came into the house during the week.
I found myself drinking more with him. Two or three beers a couple times midweek... 4-6 beers acouple times during midweek and so on. Lets just say our relationship became awful and abusive.
We both quit drinking for more than a yr period several times. It was mostly because he was on probation for domestic violence.
I can say this from personal experience everytime we started again it took less than a month to pick up from where we left off.
I left him with help of friends and a crisis center and I didnt drink for a year.
I decided it was him that made me drink to much.(he did say if I wasnt drinking with him I was only waiting for him to pass out so I could go play/cheat)I'm not an alcoholic WEll...
I needed a job I had children to support. I went back to same place and started bartending again... and the circle starts again 5 yrs later
It got worse I worked for another 3yrs and It got bad. The first year wasnt bad it was awesome. I was pregnant. So once again wasnt drinking ,but year 2 and 3 got progressivly worse.
I eventually ended up not working there anymore. I got into argument with club president and quit. (I did get him canned after I quit though)
Then I just started drinking at home. From that point it only took a few months for me to start drinking from morning till night...
Super long story short...
Dont end up like me. Dont get yourself so bad you cant quit without extreme physical and emotional pain.
I'm trying to detox my body for the last 4 days and its the worst thing I've ever felt.
You are posting on this site because deep down inside you know you have a problem.
I pray that you dont fool yourself like I did . It will get worse if you keep it up and and I dont want anyone to ever have to go thru what I am if it can be helped.
Take Care