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Don't know what to do

Old 08-23-2006, 01:41 PM
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Don't know what to do

we got a call this morning, a really good friend of my husbands passed away late last night. i really didn't know this guy very well, but my husband has known him since they were kids, and needless to say he's hurting alot right now.
my problem is, when something like this happens, my husband doesn't talk, and pretty much pushes me away. 3 years ago his moms partner had cancer and passed away (she had been in hubby's life since he was 12 - he's 43 now) and it was the same thing, he doesn't speak to me, just tells me he doesn't want to talk, and then barely glances at me for days.
I know that everyone grieves differently, so part of me feels like i'm being selfish, but then i also think we're married, been together for 7 years - WHY IS HE PUSHING ME AWAY!? at this point i don't even know how his friend died - just that he's gone.
hubby just left for work, and will probably come home early tonight - before i go to bed - and i don't know what to do - any advice out there?
on a much more selfish note, i feel a serious "trigger" coming on, i'm feeling rejected, hurt, and a little bit angry - which in the past was a definate excuse for reaching for a beer :uzi2:

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Old 08-23-2006, 02:27 PM
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oh ****{sweetie}}}

take care of yourself.

i don't know what to tell you, these men are pains in the backside sometimes. everyone has different ways of coping. hang on to your new ways and don't go jumping in the bottle--you are great to recognize your emotions like you are.

maybe just be there for him. physically. sit with him. don't have to talk. just be. worth a try?

tell him that you love him, you want to help him through it, you wish you could take his pain away. just be open and let him know you are ready and waiting for him...

that's all you can do.
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Old 08-23-2006, 03:20 PM
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I'm a recovering addict and was married to an addict while in recovery. I think through all the losses we had been through together, I only saw him cry twice...and once was for me and the kids.

I wanted to fix him, to help him deal with his "feelings" until it eventually hit me that I was making choices for him. How he should do things, what he should think and feel. As an addict myself, I know how destructive it is when someone tries to do this for me, take my choices away. But, of course, at the time I was wearing my codie hat and wanted to fix him.

I still do this with my loved ones, and have to slap myself on the hand for it.

We all mourn differently, men and woman, from person to person. Maybe you could allow him his way to mourn, even if it is only with silent encouragment.
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Old 08-23-2006, 03:52 PM
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I understand your situation. When I stopped drinking I changed a lot. My husband (though never a drinker) refused to even consider he played a part in our relationship troubles. So...it's hard. Sometimes it's lonely. But, you cannot use it as an excuse to drink.

Have you talked to him about his behaviour and how much it hurts you, at a time when things are going well? If not, try to do that. If you have and it hasn't worked, then all you can do is take care of yourself.
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Old 08-23-2006, 05:11 PM
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You say your husband is 43. That means he was born in 1963 or 63. The boy babies born in those years were still raised in the era of "men don't cry", "men don't show their feelings", etc etc

How about just accepting the fact, that during this time of grief, he needs to process it in his own way. As suggested above, calmly let him know that "if he needs anything that you can help him with you are there." Then step back. Worry about and work on you. This need not be a trigger.

Keep posting and venting on here. If you are going to meetings, get to a few extra and get some more phone numbers that you can call when you are in a 'tither'.

My father was the way you describe your husband to be, for all my years and it drove my mother crazy. In the process she would almost drive him crazy and did drive him away several times. She never did learn to just "leave him be" for a few days and he would be back to his 'normal' self, whatever that was. Several times when this happened after I got sober, he would come to my house, I would point him to the 'guest bedroom' and say "see ya later dad."

I know its frustrating, but it really doesn't have anything to do with you, this is the way your hubby processes his grief.

J M H O

Love and ((((((to all))))),
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Old 08-23-2006, 05:32 PM
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thanks laurie, you're right he was born in 1963, and yes he never shows emotion. he is totally strong for me when i need him, but when something happens in his life he just shuts down!
one of the things that worries me is he's obviously not discussing things with me, but is he talking with anyone? is he just keeping everything bottled up inside? a few of his friends have called here, and i think he's talked to his brother today, so hopefully he is talking with them.

thanks everyone for posting, it helps!

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Old 08-23-2006, 06:06 PM
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I can't speak for all men but I think most of us just aren't good at talking about our feelings. We like to "fix" things or at least be able to do something to help in some way. We can't bring people back to life though.

Many of us like to process our thoughts and feelings quietly. It may seem like "shutting down" and maybe it is...but often we just need to be alone with our thoughts until we understand our feelings and what we should do about them.

My wife feels like you do sometimes and I can tell she is taking it personally. I mean nothing by it. She probably thinks I'm trying to be macho--it's really just that I need more time to process my feelings. Even if I never fully verablize what I'm going through, I DO notice her concern and it DOES matter to me--even if I seem annoyed at times.

Sometimes we just want to be held and not talk--even if we're shy about asking for it...
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Old 08-23-2006, 07:05 PM
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The main thing right now is that you don't let those excuses that you listed to make you drink or use. Use those excuses to stay clean one more day. I am that way also, when I am in pain, I really don't like people around. It is like I want to get through it on my own. Lately I have let a few people in on what has been going on with me, but I am just scared to face some health issues and I don't want people to feel sorry for me, so I don't talk about it. Heck my kids don't even really know what is going on with me neither does SR. The thing is just take care of yourself and the rest will work out. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

Love Vic

Oh BTW it is ok for me to cry....
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Old 08-23-2006, 07:11 PM
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((Fallgirl)) I'm sorry for your situation. All I know is when my husband is ready to talk, he talks. If he's never ready, then he's not. I just know that he is going through something and his behavior is not directed at me. Even though I feel that way. It's something I continue to work on. I tend to make everything about me, and how it makes me feel. Instead of thinking that he may be dealing with something the best he knows how.

Hang in there!!
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Old 08-23-2006, 08:49 PM
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All my life,whenever I've suffered a big loss of any kind, I always need to shut down for a little while, lick my wound, rest, think. Sometimes for five minutes or less, sometimes for months, like when I was diagnosed infertile.

Why? At an early age I pulled a bombscare at my school. I was treated very harshly and abusively by everyone, family included. No one was in any way kind or forgiving, I was suspended from school for a while, given one year probation, and mercilessly ostracized by everyone. When I tried to reach out for a listening ear or something resembling a hug, I was shunned.

So.... I can't risk hearing or seeing anything that isn't what I need. I must hear nothing. I must be left alone. I must begin to grieve the loss, whatever it is. Once I'm through shock and denial, the first of the five stages of grieving, then I'm ready to talk. I'm OK with hearing something insensitive or unhelpful. I don't lose my mind over it. I'm ready to forgive, love, and accept people for who and what they are again. And I'm ready to be helped, be loved, be understood. I'm ready for people to say and do the right things. I'm ready for the other four stages of grieving: anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It's never a smooth, straight-line ride. There's always setbacks, regression, jumping around. But until I've got it through my head that it happened and it hurts, leave me alone, for my safety and yours. Please. And when I do open the door and sit down beside you and start to talk, bring everything you have and everything you are to the table. We're going to need it.

My eyes are wet. Thanks for making me think these thoughts.

I'm divorced twice. I'm currently grieving the loss of my career, long-haul trucking, due to a back injury. Today is my 51st birthday. I'M OK! I'll get through this. But it'll take time. I don't want to hijack your thread. These are my experiences with grieving. It never ends. Joy doesn't either.
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Old 08-23-2006, 08:58 PM
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Hector,
You are such a dear sweet soul.
Hugs,
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Old 08-23-2006, 09:36 PM
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(((((fall girl))))
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Old 08-24-2006, 06:58 AM
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My husband is the same way , and I can tell when he is thinking about something that is bothering him and I ask what is wrong? and he just says nothing or dont worry about it and just sits there quiet and doesn't want to talk to me, but then sometimes he will talk to his mother on the phone about things and it frustrates me cause he wont talk to me about it but he will talk to his mother or someone else iin his family, so I guess the best thing is to just leave these guys alone when they are having problems.
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Old 08-24-2006, 10:57 AM
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i know that all of what your saying makes sense, in fact i can be the same way. six years ago my grandfather died, he was just like my dad to me, i wanted to be alone and not talk with anybody.
it's just that now, he's almost acting like he's MAD at me! and i just don't get it, all i know is it hurts because he's making me feel like just by being in the house i'm bothering him. last night he came home early, about 8 oclock, and then went back to work at 1am so he could finish up some stuff while no one was there (he's taking the rest of the week off) he comes up to our room to get dressed, i'm in bed already, and he barely grunts out a "goodbye" and doesn't even give me a hug or kiss, that is not normal for him
i don't know... maybe i'm just being petty, but my feelings are hurt. i think i'm just going to steer clear of the house today, i have an appointment this afternoon, and maybe i'll just stay out for a while.

thank you all for your support and insight
Hector -

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Old 08-24-2006, 10:59 AM
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****{fallgirl}}}

take good care of yourself...
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Old 08-24-2006, 11:23 AM
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I almost forgot:

HECTOR

(I'm a day late :sad6: )

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