queenteree

Hi Everyone,
I posted this is the new to recovery section and was advised that I should check out friends and family section, so here I am. I've been with my husband 20 years. 17 years ago, he went through detox and rehab after I left him for three weeks (we were not married then and did not have a house or credit) and he lost his job due to his drinking (drinking even more once I left). He remained sober for 13 years, at which time he was a great husband and father. Four years ago, he picked up (beer only, as far as I know) and has gotten steadily worse, drinking to the point of daily intoxication. He stopped for a week once (two weeks ago). He is now on his bender again which could last months. He is getting meaner, manipulative and can't comprehend a word I say. Everything gets twisted in his mind. He gets drunk at work now, and if he gets fired, we lose our house. He knows this but doesn't care. He drinks and drives constantly (actually drinking beer while driving). I know everyone thinks I should let him hit rock bottom, but unfortunately, I will suffer for his rock bottom because if that all goes down, I will lose my house. If he hurts someone while drinking and driving, I can be sued as well. If I leave him, I know for a fact he will drink himself into oblivion hand have a giant pity party, then hit rock bottom, and I will still lose out. I can't leave him and hope he pays our bills. I couldn't pay them on my salary and it would ruin our credit. I am at my wit's end. I don't know what to do. I tried talking to him this morning, but he is already drinking at work today and will be drunk by tonight. Please help. Someone said try an intervention. How can that help someone who doesn't want help? Please please help me. Thanks.

Terri

equus

That's not true - I think you want matters, I think it should matter one hell of a lot!!

There is an approach called CRAFT that's worked around including significant others in helping. It's well backed as effective, there's plenty of research to back it. It acknowledges that we do influence each other, that people don't live in a vacuum and that we can make a difference.

None of that means we can control someone else - control is an extreme notion, of course what the other person wants will play a large part too.

I'll have to go and refind the references but I will and I'll come back with them.

best

In all the things you posted about, the end result is the same...Your house is going to go.
What you need do is set boundaries for your own protection. He will drink or he will stop by his own choice. You can't stop him.
The best you can do for him is do what you need do for "you"

Look over the threads that say sticky beside them at the top of the board.
Looking for Al Anon meetings in your area will gain you some added support and a great source of info as well.
You don't need deal with this alone.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... I can hear the pain and fear your in and Im soooo sorry.

This is only my perspective and my experiences but you can not make a person stop drinking if they dont want too. You can get professional help and try an intervention.... I have heard of it working for some, but its my understanding that often times it fails as well.

When I knew that my marriage was becoming dangerous to my secuity is when I had to take mesures to start securing my future. Unfortunally you can not rely on an A to have the sense of responsibility when they are in the depths of addiction.

I removed him from all my credit cards, and called to remove myself from his... if they did not do this I closed the account. Another thought is to file for a seperation. This does give you some breath room in that anything that happens after that time you are not responsible for (my understanding but check with an attorney) I have also hear of women that go so far as getting a divorce for there security but continue to live with there AHs.

I so understand that you dont want to loose everything but you will have to make some tough choices as well.... Think of it like this..... Even if you dont want to loose them, chances are if he continues doing what he is and it progresses (which it always does if no help is sought) you will loose it anyway.... so better to start accepting what is and figuring out what YOU can do for yourself then trying to figure out how to control him to avoid it happening.

I know that sounds harsh... and I really dont mean to be but Perhaps its time to put the focuse on what you can do yourself for you to keep safe?

I look forward to getting to know you! Keep posting it really helps

StrongR2Day

I agree with Cynay. There is no way to make someone quit drinking until they are absolutely, positively ready. Even then, there are no promises.

I was in recovery, but my ex wasn't. I tried everything, short of an intervention (unless you count the thousands I tried on my own) to get him sober. I even bought a book "Getting Them Sober", but it didn't direct me the way I thought it would (great book by the way, the first volume is free from the author, if requested). I don't know if an "official" intervention would have worked on me or him, but I guess if you can do it, it wouldn't hurt.

You can only take care of yourself emotionally and protect yourself financially to the best of your ability (some great suggestions have been made). I ended up walking away with nothing, but at least I had peace of mind and was able to re-establish myself financially through baby steps.

LongStrangeTrip

I hope this doesn't come accross as too synical because of what I am currently going through but the best that you can do is take care of yourself and prepare for the worst.

Get your own bank account and get started. Don't depend on him too much because he will most likely get worse...if that's possible. I never thought it could get any worse but here I am on the heels of obtaining a protective order to keep him out of our home.

Get to Alanon. I need to go back for a booster shot and will probably encourage my daughter to go since she is the biggest victim in all of this. However, you will find support, guidance and kinship in what you hear.

My heart goes out to you. When I stop to think a month ago, we had our problems but for the most part, I thought I had this whole mess managed...to now, lost the man I dearly loved to his own demons, my daughter victimized and my poor sweet son, caught in the middle...OH and also I'm probably going to lose my house too.

Best wishes and hugs.

cocoa

I strongly agree with all of these replys. If you stay and the drinking gets worse, you loose your house, if you get fed up with your AH, and leave you loose your house. So whats the best option? Start putting money aside for your well being. Look out for you, because you will drive yourself insane looking out for him. You can not stop him honey. It does not matter what you say, or how mad you get, or how much you cry. The truth is he will not stop untill he wants to quit, and no one not even himself knows when that will be. So you have to take care of you. Do you have any family, or friends you can stay with for awhile? Open your own bank account, and get your name off of his. You have to take care of yourself , because no one is gonna do it for you dear. I don't mean to be rude, but I've been through this too. Its hard, and it takes its toll emotionally, and physically. You can pull through this.

Janitw

Hi Queen and let me welcome you here. It's been a little while since I've posted and I - like you - have been married to an AH for 22 years. Please check out my other posts so you can maybe relate to my situation. My AH drank beer and drove every single day of our married life and they do not change - not until they want to. He finally left us a year ago this past July 4th and now lives with an alcoholic meth addict who he plans to marry. Nice huh? The only thing I can add to what has already been said is:

You didnt cause it
You cant control it
and you cant cure it.

The 3 C's sweetie. Get to an alanon meeting where you can get more help. And keep coming here because we have been where you are and alot of us still are. My divorce will be final in a short 3 weeks and I love my husband with all my heart and soul...you have to protect yourself and the kids no matter what. Kids are better off with one happy parent than 2 miserable ones. The road that we have to take is very difficult and some of our spouses do recover but only time will tell that for you.

The kids and I had an intervention here at home but I was not experienced in this area and it failed terribly. Get with a professional who can help with this and bring his family into it as well. He won't become too violent if HIS family is present. Good luck and keep well hun. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

Janit

denny57

Welcome to Sr Queen!

Lots of good experience shared already. I think sometimes people get confused about the whole hitting bottom idea. It doesn't mean they have to end up in the street. Some people have a very high bottom - no one can predict what that can be. I always remember one man who told me it was a look his young son gave him one morning during a brutal hangover.

You can only change yourself and your behavior and you've gotten some excellent advice on that already.

Regarding an intervention, you can certainly look into it, especially if there are other family members and friends who are willing to assist you in it. From people I've met who got on the path to sobriety through intervention, it was always done with professionals and their family had a huge impact on their decision.

Glad you are here and look forward to getting to know you.

sadface

I am sorry you are going through this but a year ago I was in the same situation you are. I have lived in this house 10 yrs. One day I would tell my son that we were going to rent our house out and rent an apartment for us, another day we were going to sell the house, and yet another day I would say we were going to stick it out. My son and I thought we were going to live out on the street one day. My credit was also ruined. I remember when my natural gas bill was going to be disconnected. I called them and asked them if they could wait till I got paid. I remember telling her, $50 is not very much, but when you don't have it...it is a lot. She was sympathetic and they gave me an extension. One day I decided to stop waiting on him and take care of my son and I, so I got another job. I worked from 8 am -5 pm (day job) and worked from 5:30 - 10 pm weekday and 8 - 10 hrs weekends. (seasonal-2nd job). It was hard and I felt like I neglected my son, but he understood. Food, utilities, etc.. was used to a minimal. Some how I got things caught up and built a little bit of a savings. When my second job ended, my son and I went to Canada for a week vacation. Now I am taking care of my son and ME! If my AH gives me money, great but I am not dependent on it. If he doesn't, my budget is based on my income. What did I learn? I didn't need him as much as I thought. I still care about him but from a distance, but I no longer live my life around him. I keeping my home, and if one day I can't and need to sell it..it is okay. I tried to the best of my ability. Start taking care of yourself. Uou are stronger than you think. Talk to credit counselor, if you need too. Good luck... wish you the best.

FormerDoormat

Lots of great suggestions from wise folks who have previously walked in your shoes. The only thing I will add is that the first steps to turning your situation around are to educate yourself on addiction so you'll know what the the future holds if you continue on your current path and learn to let go of denial and begin to face the truth.

The truth will set you free.

jimhere

Don't mean to come across as harsh, but what is worth more-your sanity or your house? There is no way around the discomfort & emotional pain in a situation such as yours, and my heart goes out to you. But I've seen more than one person lose their health, their minds, and in a few cases, even their lives trying to keep it all together and hang on to the temporal and material things they've built their identities around. You can always get another house, but you may not ever get another life.

cocoa

Jim... I could not of said it better myself.

equus

Hi, I said I'd get back with references, sorry I was a little late I forgot where I put them!!

Anway here is a review of the CRA technique from the NIAAA (CRA = Community Reinforcement Approach. CRAFT = the same with Famiy Therapy added on!! CRA -FT):
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicatio...-2/116-121.pdf

There's a book written by RJ Meyers which covers in depth the CRAFT approach:
Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening. (Paperback)
by Ph. D., Robert J. Meyers, Ph.D., Brenda L. Wolfe "If you live with or love someone who drinks or drugs too much, this book can help you..."

Editorial reviews from Amazon:
I don't want to get into whether or not you are making the right deicision in wanting what you first post says you want - I think that has to be down to you. All I know is that wanting to help isn't nuts or sick.

Whatever you do look after yourself gently and carefully because that's a sure bet to always help!!

Jazzman

Welcome to SR. Here's a post in the best of SR forum that has served as my roadmap during my ordeal. I followed each and every suggestion as if my emotional health was at stake.

10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=89886

loristreily

I would consider selling the house and downsizing to one that you can afford on your own. That way if he does lose his job you can kick him out and be able to not worry. Soud feasible?

marriedithink

Well said. Ultimately I believe that's the only way to look at it. Going through it right now. If I can't afford to keep my house so be it. I can't afford to lose me even more.

Vanc Girl

Is it possible to catch him in a moment of clarity (i.e., before he goes to work and starts drinking?) and ask him if he would be willing to get help? He did rehab once before and had 13 yrs after that. If he approaches his employer with his problem and needs to seek treatment, from my understand, they CANNOT fire him while he's getting help. Then he'll have a real chance at another try. I am the alcoholic and that's what my husband did with me when I picked up again and was really bad off in a matter of weeks. In desperation he called my counselor at the outpatient place I had been attending (before my slip) and asked him what to do. His recommendation? Sit me down first thing in the morning and say, "Are you willing to go to treatment?" If my answer was no, then we were done because he could not live like this with me any longer. But he sat me down the next morning (after being very drunk the night before) and asked me that question....my answer was ABSOLUTELY. I was willing because as an alcoholic, mornings are the worst. We dread them. The poison has worn off and the horror of who have become and the daily ritual of feeding the demon lies before us in this disease. So that might be a good time to catch him willing to do what it takes to save your marriage and his job.
This is just my experience, I hope it goes well for you. You are in my thoughts through all this.
I come to the friends and family posts to remind me of the horrors we alkies put our families through. I need to be reminded that we are not the only ones who suffer, and my dear husband deserves me sober for all he went through for me.

Hugs to you and yours

queenteree

Thanks for that advice, but I have tried in the morning. Even this morning, he asked me where I was last night. I told him I called him yesterday at lunch and told him I had a therapy session till 8 p.m. (I really did) and he said he didn't remember. Then he asked me if I wanted to go to our place upstate. I told him I had to watch our grandson this weekend, and he knew that for a month. I told him he could go though. Then he accused me of not caring. I told him he's a big boy and can do what he wants to do. He said he wanted to go up there to put some distance between us since we were fighting (not true, all this drinking buddies are up there). I told him if it were me, since he hasn't seen me or been with me since last Thursday (too drunk and sleeping most of the time), if it were me, I would get my act together, stop drinking, seek help and spend time with my wife, not put more distance between us and then when he's done drinking come home and say "I love you babe" and expect me to be there waiting. I told him that's the way I would handle it, but he's a big boy and should handle it the way he sees fit. He then wanted to know why I didn't care that he went upstate. Again, I told him he was a big boy. He told me he'd call me from up there so I wouldn't worry. I told him no need to, I wouldn't be concerned. Then he said "maybe I won't go." I told him that if he decided not to go, I had a therapy appointment tonite and I wouldn't be come till after 7 pm. I said the therapist really wanted both of us to go, but I told her I would just be going. He said if I wanted him to go, he would (but then again, that was this morning). I expect to go home to find him gone and left for upstate, drinking and driving with a note saying how much I don't care about him. The therapist was really recommended by the rehab he went to 17 years ago who has success in talking people into going back into rehab, but he doesn't know that. But, who am I kidding, he won't even be home, he'll be upstate drinking with his buddies and come home Sunday saying he's sorry and ready to stop drinking (cause his bender will be over for a week or so). Thanks for listening.
Terri

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to SR Terri - In your post you talked about what you would if you were your husband - One thing I have learned in dealing with this disease is that how it affects my AH and how it affects me are two totally different things.
My AH would never act the same way I would -
I would never act the same way He would -
Because we both think differently because of this disease - Now that doesn't excuse either of our behaviors - it just helps me not to expect him to think the same way I would.
I may think the glass is half full, he may deny the glass is even there!!

The more I learn about this disease, the more I know I will never fully understand why an alcoholic does what an alcoholic does. But what I can learn is to do what is heathly for ME. To learn about boundaries, detachment and Healthy compassion. It is a recovery process that takes time and work - I have to devote that time by going to meetings, reading recovery materials, working with other healthy people to help me and develop a relationship with a Higher Power who can restore a faith in a better life for me no matter what happens with the alcholics/addicts in my life.

Welcome to recovery and I hope that you will continue your path to a peaceful journey to serenity!!
One Day at a Time,
Rita