kennethhoff

Eight full months in Alanon and I am more than grateful or any words can say. I see so much positive and much of the old "me" is gone. But I still go back sometimes to the past. I know intellectually how it hurts me, but the guilt and shame of what could've been still hurts.
Someone who I cared so much about, who I threw on her so much of my neediness, my negativity, control issues, that she told me good-bye early this year and that led me to Alanon. And now that I feel so good and those issues are gone, all I think about is now that I AM so much better, she is gone and I blew a nice friendship because of everything alcohol has done to me.
I hate to blame my deceased father for this, he was my alcoholic, and I know better than to blame myself, but sometimes I still do. I remember Oprahs words "If ya knew better you could have done better. Now that you know better you can do better". And I know how true that is, yet sometime the human pain of lost love and caring of someone because of alcoholism is my life is so saddening. I forgave her for all the things she did that weren't good, I wish she could have forgiven me and give me another chance to at least talk to her. But I blew it. And I'm the first one that says I hate pity parties, but does anyone have some candles and cake?
- Ken

GingerM

A little pity party once in a while is okay Ken. Just make it informal. No hired caterers, no clowns, no balloons.

Seriously though, We all have regrets about things we've done in the past. we all have things we wished we'd done differently. I know I certainly do, and sometimes those things come back to haunt me. Usually when that happens, I try to focus on how I would handle the situation now. That brings me out of the funk I'm in, and also shows me just how far I've come.

Prost! I toast your growth and drink (diet coke, of course) to your future ability to handle things differently.

TheGirlInside

Ken,

Looks like progress to me!

Yeah, feeling sorry for yourself, I think is okay, occasionally, as long as it is for a limited period of time...When I start up with catastrophic thinking lately, I have been trying to (not always successfully) stop myself before I get to the bottom of my spiral, because I know exactly what I'm going to be thinking, feeling and saying to myself when I get there (pretty much: life sucks, nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat bugs...the usual self-hate speech).

I feel like I've been nursing a broken heart (or more) for SO-O-O-O long!!
Congratulations to you, for avoiding the pitfall of running into the arms of someone else for "comfort" or to help you "get over" your past love...I've tried that, I'm not proud to say, more than once, and it NEVER worked. NOT ONCE.

I've been someone else's "next best thing" too dam many times, and will NEVER allow myself to be that again, nor will I ever treat anyone else like that.

Keep posting, keep self-loving. The healthier you are, the healthier women you will attract.

Kari

kennethhoff

Thanks Ging and Kari. Thank God I no longer allow myself to get too deep into the hole anymore. My sadness is really from my thoughts of "what could have been" rather than they way they were. I carried the shame of illness from growing up as a ACOA to long. And I have come a long long way. Funny, it took eight months of Alanon to accomplish what in 40+ years couldn't. Enough experience, strength and hope will change anyones neural-net!
I just have to accept that I will always carry some sorry and disappointment about the way it ended, but I won't let it stop me from creating a wonderful future. But living one day at a time really is the only way to live!
Sometimes I think the spiritual part of life is easy, it's the human part that's the real suffering

Ken