StandingStrong

My brother is an alcoholic. He attended rehab many years ago. However, he went on to get lost in the bottle again. His life continued to spiral downward as he lost his business, his property, his marriage failed, etc.
Fast forward to now.....he's happily remarried. I've never seen him so happy! He's got a job and is taking care of his financial debts.
Here's the thing though........

My brother still drinks. I am not too sure on how much, but I'd have to say that it's not much and not often.

One of the arguements that Ah and I have had this past year is that Ah still drinks on occassion. I cannot understand why a person who has lost so much and has ruined so many aspects of his life due to alcohol would even want to drink at all!!!
So, this leads me to my brother. Once an every night kind of drinker, to now maintaining some kind of normal life whilst drinking on occassion. He explained to me a few years back about when he attended rehab, that at the time, it wasn't so much about the drinking - it was more about how he was feeling and knew that something was just not right with his life. How he'd felt sorry for himself for how his life had turned out etc......
So now I'm feeling like I really want to talk to him again. To ask him how the mind works - how someone who'd allowed alcohol to practically ruin their life could not hate the stuff - who would want to even drink on occassion! Why?
I so don't understand how the mind works. I don't understand it at all.

Would it be a bad thing to just talk to my brother. Have him try to explain some of the things that I'm having such a hard time with? Or would my wanting to talk to him about this stuff make him become defensive and take it personally? Would I be stirring up old crap for him that he's left behind now that he has a happy and productive life?

P.S. I still have a letter my brother wrote to me when he was in rehab from 21 years ago. In that letter, he said that he hoped to come home and talk to me about what alcohol can do, and how he's sorry for hurting so many people, etc. I doubt he knows that I still have this letter. I thought of taking it to him to show him and tell him that I need that now - his talk on what alcohol can do and whatnot. As well as show him how much that letter meant to me.

Thoughts?

kermit

Talk with him and Love him.

mazey

When he drinks does he get really drunk, or maintain. Mine doesn't drink every day anymore, but a couple times a week, and at least one of them just pounds them and gets really drunk, now sometimes just fallin' down drunk. He also has gone back to loving shots of tequila. The only time he is really happy seeming is if he know he's going to be drinking with buddies. Forget about doing anything else, unless it is on his interest list, which is really only fishing.
Then, still, he is gloomy and quiet. When he quit drinking a few years ago, after choking me, he was so grumpy, quiet, stayed in his chair and sulked. Why? I've been to alanon off 'n on for a year, few years ago, do get some of what he is about. But, hate we can't be okay.....
If you do talk with your brother, please post, it will maybe helped alot of us.

equus

I think I'll always be pro communication, especially when it comes from a real desire to listen. I think we learn by asking each other things rather than forming ideas only based on our own presumptions.

I remember when D set himslef to drinking on occasion, he certainly did cut down but I struggled to have any faith in it. At that time I found a peice of research reported by NIAAA where they found it did happen, that people alcohol dependent sometimes managed to return to low risk drinking that fell far short of even alcohol abuse (although who knows in 5 or 10 years if that would still be the case!). I showed it to D even though it supported his belief at the time not mine and I think that was one of the best things I ever did.

There's something about acknowledging some success, some progress and a persons ideas which is very powerful, I think more so when it can be done dispite differences of opinion.

D's attempt to drink less failed but his trust that I didn't ONLY find research to support my own opinion didn't fail, nor did our ability to keep talking through the process of quitting. Those things were very important to me and I don't believe they could have come from me if I'd only ever tried to see things from my own perspective.

GingerM

I think if you approach your brother with the attitude that you love him and you really want to understand, he would be open to that. That means you have to listen and not interupt though. I think taking the letter with you would be a good thing, it demonstrates how much you really wanted him to get through his rehab and make it stick.

That being said, it sounds like you're looking for answers from your brother about your husband's behavior. While your brother may have some insight, remember that not all A's are alike, and your brother's ability may not be the same as your husband's.

denny57

I'd ask myself 2 questions: am I bringing this person back into my life because I love and miss them; or am I bringing this person back into my life because I need something from them?

In the first case, I would call; in the second I would not, even though I might want to. I no longer use people in the service of my needs, unless I am paying them for that service.

LaTeeDa

I agree with Ginger. Ask yourself what you are trying to get from this potential conversation. Are you setting yourself up for more disappointment? (Trying to find hope for your AH?)

L

StandingStrong

I think that there are many reasons.
Some of them are in reference to the idea of learning. Or more of understanding.
Also, because of the age gap and different genders, my brother and I have never been really close. In the past few years, our whole family has really seemed to become quite distant and I'm wanting to reach out and help repair that. Also, there was something I did as a teen that hurt my brother. At the time, I was too young to understand that. Now, as an adult, I want to apologize for that as well.
Yes, I realize that all A's are different. And from the last thing that my brother said about my AH, I know that he doesn't (or at least didn't in the moment of saying it) like my AH anymore. However, AH has always been a binge drinker and I see that although he is drinking (and so I've still not taken him back) I also see my brother who was an everyday drinker also maintaining as well. It's interesting in a strange sort of way.
The words my brother used in that letter keep going through my head about how he felt sorry for himself etc. and in a similar way, AH has said much the same thing. Ah had quit drinking for quite some time when we first seperated - I was the one that too angry to even communicate with him. However - when it all comes down to the bottom line........
I am wanting a better/closer relationship with my brother.
I am wanting to build a closer relationship with our family as a whole.
I am wanting to learn all I can about alcohol and to hear the story from someone's perspective (my brothers) as I've watched him over the years.
In truth, as I said, there are many reasons. But mostly for understanding of things.
I do not drink anymore. I've watched the devastation that it has caused. I was never an A or anything. But I despise what alcohol can do to people, family, etc. - That's where I have a hard time understanding how they (my brother and my AH) can not hate what alcohol has done to them.

Zoey

Might I ask, have you done a good 4th and 5th step?? Have you made amends?
Also do you attend open AA meetings, (Sorry I cannot remember)

We do not hate something that takes away pain, and lets us escape life!

Just something that crossed my mind.

Cynay

This is just my Opinion......

The way you feel about alcohol is totally understandable... mostly because of the hurt you have and are going through...

The way I look at it is like this. Alcohol is not the issue, people can drink and not have the same issues. Alcohol is a social buffer and when used in moderation I dont think there is much wrong with it.

For example: SO often I have seen a marriage where the husband has strayed and has an affair. Without knowing the women or the information she may have had ... in a heartbeat the wife hates the OW. This is not all about the OW, she is not in a marriage nor has she made a committment, this is about the husband and his cheating..... but often its much easier for the wife to blame the OW and hate her and not blame the husband (who was led astray) as much nor hate him.

I hope that makes sense...