hadtoleave

As most of you know I left my AH over one year ago after he started drinking again - sober ? 13 years. We have been married 37 years - he was 18 and I was 16 years old when we married, he’s all I have ever known.
AH and I, mostly me calling and/or going out to see him, have had pretty much daily contact since I left. One month ago I gave him an ultimatum (a suggestion from Alanon group - if I was ready to stand by what I say to him - which was the hardest thing I‘ve ever done): stop drinking / go to counseling / AA, or I would file for a legal separation, to many things to settle to go straight for the divorce. We had one phone conversation within that two weeks, regarding our oldest granddaughter (she has cancer). I was totally sad and cried for two weeks.
During the two weeks I had several phone calls from our daughter, daddy’s girl. I never told her the above but she wanted to talk about me, all of a sudden, that I needed to get on with my life - she sees no hope for her father and his drinking. She told me her father is very mad at me, that he blames me for our youngest granddaughter not speaking to him - she is a Papa’s girl. She and her husband gave their approval to for me to start dating again - that made me sick & mad. She said the granddaughters will get use to it, if I started dating again. What makes that right - Dating Again?
After the two weeks my AH and I went out for breakfast, he said nothing during the meal. After we ate I asked him his decision. He stated “Oh I thought that was suppose to be done last week.” WHAT !!!! Then he said he stopped drinking one month ago, I don’t know this for sure because within the last 6 months I stopped smelling and checking things out. I asked “And”, he said he wanted me to come home. “And” - no response to counseling or AA. I let it go. When we got back out to our house I left and came back to my apartment.
For the last two weeks we have had maybe two phone contacts, by me to him. Within the last week there has been no contact. I have been so miserable for this last week. It’s no different today on my nerves as it was when I walked out of the house over one year ago. It’s almost as if time shot back one year. Do I have to start over again with my emotions all out of control, can’t think, can’t sleep, can’t eat on & on.
I’ve been to Alanon I was told: I have been having way to much contact with him, he is now use to my routine of calling and coming out to see him, I have not given him time alone to be by himself and think about things, I was there to continue to cover things for him.
AH, 13 years ago, went to impatient treatment for 6 weeks, he knows what needs to be done, he knows what he's doing to himself, me, our marriage, our daughter & son-in-law and our granddaughters.
Is it over, I’m to tired to do everything again, do I just get the divorce. AH is very cold and unemotional, except when he's mad at me - which is most all the time. Why am I dragging this out, hoping he will come to his senses - what’s the chance of that happening?
I’m a verbal person and need to talk about things, he won’t talk. He just wants me to come home - if I go home I know things will go back to the way they use to be, I can’t go back into that mess now that I have been on my own for over one year. I really do love him, the sad thing is that he knows I love him.
Thanks for letting me vent my thoughts
Welcome any suggestions.

Cynay

Hey there....

Its not a bad thing that he knows you love him, there is nothing wrong with loving your husband.... infact I would wonder about you if you did not love him.

They are probably right in that you have alot of contact with him.... maybe it hurts so much because you starting to come to some decisions and it sounds like your not choosing to continue that relationship. That is ok, your suppose to hurt but once you make a decision it will get easier for you.

*hugs* do something nice for yourself today.

Pick-a-name

Sounds familiar. I am going through it all again,too. He decided to file for divorce and went through with it..........why wouldn't he? I was really still involved;too involved with him...he had the best of both worlds. I was hoping our 30 yrs together;our family,was stronger than his addiction...of course,it wasn't.

I am getting healthier;he is getting sicker. My denial is cracking. I don't know what the future will bring but I told him he we can't be "buddies",etc and him dating other women...that just won't do for me. I think I am finally not waiting around for him hoping it will make him choose to get better;it won't. (Doesn't mean I'm ready to date anyone,because I am not.)

One day at a time.....

It's a difficult place to be, I wish you the ability to let go and let God. That is what I am trying to do.I know for me, that is going to be the only way to move forward. I certainly do not have the answers; I am trusting my HP does and will lead me to a better solution that I could ever imagine.

I am sorry you are hurting,but glad you posted this. I hope you can do something nice for yourself today and everyday!

mazey

It really is awful! Making that final decision. I have made the threat many times and could never follow thru, cuz I "fell" for things will be better. Maybe for a short time, then right back to the same old, same old. For me, this time has felt different. A wise friend said to me during one of my meltdowns, you'll get to a point and you'll just know, and I do. It doesn't really make it any easier, but I'm having very rare doubts. And those are related to aging and being alone if I would get sick or hurt. But, ya know I'm not sure I could rely on him then, cuz his track record for when I have really needed him aren't too good. Do you have any of these feelings? And, you have been with him 37YEARS! That is forever!

Cynay

You know....

Im not sure which is harder, coming to the decision yourself or having that decision made for you.

Either way it hurts.