Can He Just Stop Drinking?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Richton, MS
Posts: 135
Can He Just Stop Drinking?
I left my alcoholic husband Sunday was a week ago. I ask him to try and stop drinking or I was leaving, he basically laughed in my face so I told him if I walk out this door tonight do not expect me to come back until the alcohol is gone. So I left. We have communicated because of the kids and Saturday night he told me that he had stopped drinking and to brink my a$$ home, and that was all he said. The man has been drinking for the past 15 years everyday and he just stopped? I thought that you had to go be detoxed or something. You know throw up, cold sweats, padded walls. I am not even convinced that he has stopped. Anyone had any experience with this kinda thing?
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Lets say he did quit drinking all of a sudden, on his own, after 15 years of abusing this substance, that his body may be physically addicted to.
He did not just lose the attitudes, behaviors, and actions that come with the disease. This is why being sober is not the same as being in recovery.
More importantly that what he says he is doing..how do you feel about this person? How do you feel about yourself?
What is it about his drinking that bothers you?
He did not just lose the attitudes, behaviors, and actions that come with the disease. This is why being sober is not the same as being in recovery.
More importantly that what he says he is doing..how do you feel about this person? How do you feel about yourself?
What is it about his drinking that bothers you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
In a nutshell NO.
If he has been drinking for 15 years, I doubt he can stop in a week
on his own period. Yes, most have us have experience with this kind
of thing, it's called denial and manipulation.
Have you gone to an alanon meeting yet?
If he has been drinking for 15 years, I doubt he can stop in a week
on his own period. Yes, most have us have experience with this kind
of thing, it's called denial and manipulation.
Have you gone to an alanon meeting yet?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
What was the reason you left? Was it the drinking or his behaviors and thoughts/treatment of you that was the problem?
If he stopped cold like that, congrads to him. If he can continue to be sober, more power to him.... but what has really changed?
For myself I find that giving things time to prove the change works so much better... They can talk all they want, following up and walking the talk is a whole different view. Also how hard was it to take that first step and walk out that door to seperate? Do you want to "get your a$$ home" only to find your "a$$" having to walk out again?
Are there kids involved?
If he stopped cold like that, congrads to him. If he can continue to be sober, more power to him.... but what has really changed?
For myself I find that giving things time to prove the change works so much better... They can talk all they want, following up and walking the talk is a whole different view. Also how hard was it to take that first step and walk out that door to seperate? Do you want to "get your a$$ home" only to find your "a$$" having to walk out again?
Are there kids involved?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Richton, MS
Posts: 135
My husband, when he is not drinking, is the nicest person in the world. When is is not drinking is very little tho. When he starts to drink he starts to have a big mouth, he angers easily and he will drink and drive with no thought of consequences. He has lost three jobs, not directly related to drinking, but I think that drinking makes him not care about life or what happens. We do have children. My daughter is 5 and my boys are 3 and 16 months. I left because of the effects that his drinking was having on my two older children, especially my daughter. He is not physically abusive, he is mentally and emotionally abusive.
I am not sure where I want to go from here. I wish I could just say the heck with it and move on. I wish there was no such thing as alcohol. But the reality of it is there is and I guess I chose that life when I married him.
I think tho I need to help myself before I go back. Even if he stops drinking there are issues that I need to work on with myself. I need to learn to like myself again. Everything has been about him and the kids for so long that I forgot me. I need to focus on ME AND MY KIDS.
I Don't know to much about being sober and being in recover stuff so please help educate me.
The nearest alanon is about 45 mins away.
And to answer Cynay's question Walking out the door with my children was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt like I was betraying him. When we married I said for better or worse, In sickness and In health and I betrayed that vow I made to him. I still have so much guilt inside me. I am working on that, but I am not sure it is going away anytime soon.
I am not sure where I want to go from here. I wish I could just say the heck with it and move on. I wish there was no such thing as alcohol. But the reality of it is there is and I guess I chose that life when I married him.
I think tho I need to help myself before I go back. Even if he stops drinking there are issues that I need to work on with myself. I need to learn to like myself again. Everything has been about him and the kids for so long that I forgot me. I need to focus on ME AND MY KIDS.
I Don't know to much about being sober and being in recover stuff so please help educate me.
The nearest alanon is about 45 mins away.
And to answer Cynay's question Walking out the door with my children was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt like I was betraying him. When we married I said for better or worse, In sickness and In health and I betrayed that vow I made to him. I still have so much guilt inside me. I am working on that, but I am not sure it is going away anytime soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((life))) You have not betrayed him.
No, those feelings didn't go away quickly for me, either. I think what you are doing is courageous; try to remind yourself of that each morning. I remember early on our doctor said to me the most loving thing I could do for AH was take care of myself and let him do the same. I didn't really believe it at the time, but I was so broken I was ready to do contrary action - anything to get my life out of the ditch it had gotten into.
If you can make that meeting, do. If not, can you check out other resources in your area? Keep posting here, you'll find lots of love and support. I found face to face support so helpful, so I hope you find some, even if it's with a counsellor who specializes in addiction.
I hope kindergarten improves for your daughter this week as she starts to makes some friends.
Take care.
No, those feelings didn't go away quickly for me, either. I think what you are doing is courageous; try to remind yourself of that each morning. I remember early on our doctor said to me the most loving thing I could do for AH was take care of myself and let him do the same. I didn't really believe it at the time, but I was so broken I was ready to do contrary action - anything to get my life out of the ditch it had gotten into.
If you can make that meeting, do. If not, can you check out other resources in your area? Keep posting here, you'll find lots of love and support. I found face to face support so helpful, so I hope you find some, even if it's with a counsellor who specializes in addiction.
I hope kindergarten improves for your daughter this week as she starts to makes some friends.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You have not broken your wedding vows hon. Your still married, you are not dating/sleeping with anyone else...... ALL you did is protect yourself and your children.
NO GUILT.
What happens in the future you just dont have to worry about today.... that is then.
If walking out that door was the hardest thing you have had to do, why would you be in a hurry to put yourself into a position to have to do it again. Not only you, BUT those kids too.... going back and forth is just as hard on them. I dont see any reason that you could not just take 6 months and work on yourself while he lives seperate and works on himself.... you both might see things differently then and it will give some times to get perspective.
((( hugs))) I know its hard hon... It has been two weeks since my love dumped me..... but all I have to do is today.... and that is all you have to do too.
NO GUILT.
What happens in the future you just dont have to worry about today.... that is then.
If walking out that door was the hardest thing you have had to do, why would you be in a hurry to put yourself into a position to have to do it again. Not only you, BUT those kids too.... going back and forth is just as hard on them. I dont see any reason that you could not just take 6 months and work on yourself while he lives seperate and works on himself.... you both might see things differently then and it will give some times to get perspective.
((( hugs))) I know its hard hon... It has been two weeks since my love dumped me..... but all I have to do is today.... and that is all you have to do too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
(((LIFEOUTTHERE))) Glad you are here.I hope you find it as helpful as I have. There are many very caring people who have been through this,too.
Sounds like getting to the meetings might be a problem for you now. I did lots of reading (still do) and that has helped me understand addiction and the problems that go with it for me and the addict in my life.
Have you read "Under the Influence" or "Getting Them Sober" series??? I find them both so helpful, I reread them often. GTS has sections of several of the books free online that you can preview before buying at http://www.GettingThemSober.com There are lots of other great books, and info online,too. Reading and posting here is something I usually do several times a day...it helps me ALOT! I hope you will stick around here and look forward to getting to know you.
What you did was hard, but the right thing. I couldn't do it for myself, but knew I had to do it for my kids. It is the best for your husband,too.
hugs
Sounds like getting to the meetings might be a problem for you now. I did lots of reading (still do) and that has helped me understand addiction and the problems that go with it for me and the addict in my life.
Have you read "Under the Influence" or "Getting Them Sober" series??? I find them both so helpful, I reread them often. GTS has sections of several of the books free online that you can preview before buying at http://www.GettingThemSober.com There are lots of other great books, and info online,too. Reading and posting here is something I usually do several times a day...it helps me ALOT! I hope you will stick around here and look forward to getting to know you.
What you did was hard, but the right thing. I couldn't do it for myself, but knew I had to do it for my kids. It is the best for your husband,too.
hugs
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Al-anon would be a tremendous help for you. Is there any way to get to meetings, even if it is every couple of weeks? You will meet people there there you will be able to call for information and support. You will get more help, faster, through Al-anon than any other method. Perhaps you can phone the contact number and explain your situation - maybe the contact person would be willing to talk to you over the phone.
You really need to reach out for help and assistance right now, because if you don't, you might find yourself gravitating back into a very bad situation.
In the meantime, though, you should read up on the disease. There are a lot of stickies here with excellent information.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
Click here and read the stickies at the top of the page.
Also, some good books were suggested above. The more information you have right now, the better you will be able to resist bullying and manipulation, and do what is best for you and your babies.
Keep posting here, too.
God bless!
You really need to reach out for help and assistance right now, because if you don't, you might find yourself gravitating back into a very bad situation.
In the meantime, though, you should read up on the disease. There are a lot of stickies here with excellent information.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
Click here and read the stickies at the top of the page.
Also, some good books were suggested above. The more information you have right now, the better you will be able to resist bullying and manipulation, and do what is best for you and your babies.
Keep posting here, too.
God bless!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Drinking and driving??
And not afraid of the consequences??? Yikes! Do you realize that if he is driving drunk and smashes into someone's vehicle (and they survive but sue the pants off you) that you are held jointly liable? They'll go after both of you. I hope you have the maximum insurance coverage possible, liability-wise. I think that would be a deal breaker for me. Just knowing he's out there drinking and driving and not caring would scare the heck outta me! I think I'd see an attorney and start legally separating myself from this guy.
If my husband commanded me to get my a$$ home, I'd make sure I stayed as far away as possible! Jeesh!
If my husband commanded me to get my a$$ home, I'd make sure I stayed as far away as possible! Jeesh!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
My husband tried this a few times, too. Once he even managed to stay sober for 4 months. He was a miserable jerk the whole time. He never wanted to stop drinking, he only wanted to appease me so the status quo could continue.
Finally, after I kicked him out and he came to realize that I was seriously not going to be with him anymore, he decided that was not what he wanted for his life. I know this is not the norm, and I am one of the lucky ones.
It sounds to me like he is trying to appease you. Stop drinking long enough to get what he wants. It took a long time for my marriage to get to the point where I wanted it to end. How can fixing it only take a week or two? If you think about it, it just doesn't make sense. What's the rush? Are you in a hurry to go back to the way things were? Sounds like he is..................
L
Finally, after I kicked him out and he came to realize that I was seriously not going to be with him anymore, he decided that was not what he wanted for his life. I know this is not the norm, and I am one of the lucky ones.
It sounds to me like he is trying to appease you. Stop drinking long enough to get what he wants. It took a long time for my marriage to get to the point where I wanted it to end. How can fixing it only take a week or two? If you think about it, it just doesn't make sense. What's the rush? Are you in a hurry to go back to the way things were? Sounds like he is..................
L
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
My AH was not able to get sober, despite his best intentions, until he started taking antabuse. It may seem to us as simple as just not picking up the bottle but if you look at the messages left on the boards by people trying to quit drinking, it's clearly not that simple.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Richton, MS
Posts: 135
I am in no hurry to jump back into the frying pan. Just want to know if anyone had been threw something similar. We are at my parents home and my kids are doing great right now. Just need some encouragement and advice from people who have actually been in this kind of situation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Originally Posted by gypsyrose
My AH was not able to get sober, despite his best intentions, until he started taking antabuse. It may seem to us as simple as just not picking up the bottle but if you look at the messages left on the boards by people trying to quit drinking, it's clearly not that simple.
So yes, it is that easy. Will your husband need to take antabuse for the rest of his life? I don't know anything about the drug at all.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Judy,
Here's the short version of what Antabuse is all about.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disulfiram
Interesting excerpt from the above article--
One weakness with Disulfiram and similar treatments is that if not taken under supervision an alcoholic will often not stick to the treatment, since it is easier to give up the drug than alcohol. Even when strictly taken the negative effects will rarely break the drinking patterns of a chronic alcoholic. In some extreme cases, patients with subcutaneous disulfiram tablet implants have been known to cut or dig out the tablet to avoid its effects. For these reasons disulfiram is not in itself a cure for alcoholism and is usually only indicated for select patients who wish to remain in an enforced state of sobriety during other forms of treatment, such as support groups and psychotherapy.
Here's the short version of what Antabuse is all about.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disulfiram
Interesting excerpt from the above article--
One weakness with Disulfiram and similar treatments is that if not taken under supervision an alcoholic will often not stick to the treatment, since it is easier to give up the drug than alcohol. Even when strictly taken the negative effects will rarely break the drinking patterns of a chronic alcoholic. In some extreme cases, patients with subcutaneous disulfiram tablet implants have been known to cut or dig out the tablet to avoid its effects. For these reasons disulfiram is not in itself a cure for alcoholism and is usually only indicated for select patients who wish to remain in an enforced state of sobriety during other forms of treatment, such as support groups and psychotherapy.
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