maliika

Hy! I'm going to tell you my story(my side of it anyway)...because I have to find a way to make our marriage work.
I met C. in Romania 3 years ago, in the club I was working at, as a waitress. We were both on rebound : I had just broken up with my boyfriend after a 6&1/2 year long relationship and he was still recovering from his divorce.We started out as friends but ...it was a little more than that.Needles to say we moved in together and 2 years later we were married, and now it's been a year since we got back to the states.Nice happy ending right? WRONG!!!
I was so happy to be with him, I had so much fun seeing the world through his stories...I was meeting so many new and interesting people that I didn't care that he was an alcoholic. I thought that I will eventualy "make it go away". Silly little girl!
So...just like in any romance the rush died down and for the past year I woke up to see who my husband really is.He is miserable when he's sober: he's bored, depressed, he doesn't care about anything that might go on around him, he does not see me.On the other hand, when he drinks he acts like I'm the world to him, he laughs, he makes plans, he's happy...he's in love with me once more.
He said he wants to stop and I agreed to help but I don't want to help him.I know I should support him and encourage him to stop mostly because he's gaining a lot of weight because of the alcohol and he's health is not that great to begin with but...he's my husband only when he's drunk , when he's sober he's a stranger.
I love him and it hurts when he looks right through me.Even so...I stopped drinking ( I have not had a drink in a month) to try and push him without actually pushing and I'm going to the gym 5 times a week also to get him to follow without nagging.But is that the best I can do? Am I beeing selfish?

If anybody has a word of advice ...please

Other people told me to leave him because he loves the bottle more than he'll ever love me ...but I want to save my marriage, make it work .

megamysterioso

Welcome to SR and I'm glad you found us!! Yes, those initial sparks of a new, fresh relationship eventually wear off whether your partner is an alcoholic or not! If your AH wants to stop drinking, he will take the necessary steps on his own to do so. To me, you can be supportive while remaining detached (hitting the gym, focusing on yourself as you have been etc.). If you are concerned that you "will not like him sober," please try and put that thought to the side for now. Your AH more than likely acts the way he does when sober b/c he does not know how to cope with life in general or himself WITHOUT a drink in hand. If you want this marriage to work and you think he's sincere about getting help, he will go through a lot of changes during recovery. He will be getting reacquainted with himself all over again and he may not be the "same guy" he is NOW when he is "sober." I hope that makes sense. Recovery would be wonderful for him. I wish it on every addict on the planet. It would be the most loving and healthy thing he could do for himself. If you're worried that this would somehow "change" your marriage, it definitely will. But, don't you think it could change it for the better also??? Seems to me that if you like him most when he's drunk, then it's not an ideal marriage anyway. All the best.

pmaslan

Sounds to me that you married a stranger.
It is not wonder that he acts the way he does sober,
when he is drunk he knows you.
Do you want him to stay drunk?
Do you really enjoy him that way?

denny57

Welcome Maliika

Sounds like you're doing positive things for yourself and that's a great start - and like Mega said, about all you can do at this point. If he said he wants to stop, then, just like you, he can start taking some positive steps on his own to do it. Talk is talk. You are doing the walk.

Hang in there and look forward to getting to know you.

maliika

Thank you for the replies and the advice. Yes pmaslan...he may act as a stranger in many ways but I knew he was an alcoholic with more problems than I was ready to handle when I we got married. I love him enough that I want to learn how to deal with it and help him if possible.
denny 57 , megamisterioso...thank you.

Zoey

I felt my A was too serious, too uptight, lots of anxiety when sober. He was always quick to laugh and see humor sober, but then back to serious, miserable perfectionist.
I believe he had found that booze took away the anxiety and relaxed him so
that life felt normal and better yet relaxed and fun. Who wouldn't want that??
With AA we learn how to not take ourselves so seriously, a good diet helps very much with emotions. A good hypoglicemic (sp) diet and vits help the anxiety.
Is he also a workaholic??

In AA we learn to live life on lifes terms, something it seems not many of us know. (There are other programs, but I only know about AA)