StandingStrong

I've been having all sorts of issues with my boudaries lately. So instead of trying to lump them into one huge post - I think I'll just sort them out.

Here's an example of one of the boundaries I am having problems with.

Ah and I have discussed many times that I don't want him to drink when he has the kids at his home. Because of his DUI and his not having his license, I don't worry that he will drive with the kids or anything.

Ah has a short temper - and in the past, he could be very verbally abusive as well as just plain mean (to the kids and myself). For a long time, I didn't feel that the kids were safe from this happening again. I do feel better about this issue as time has shown (so far) that it hasn't happened (possibly because he's living with his parents now and possibly also because the kids don't say much, if anything, to ah in regards to his drinking). However - there have been times that the kids have come home from their visits and told me that Ah had went out and that they had smelled alcohol on him. They did not like this and were upset that he drank.

I have spoken to Ah about this many times. Just a few weeks ago, I explained to him again how his drinking still hurts his kids. I told him how they do not like that he drinks when they are there, etc. (Let me clarify that Ah goes out on Wednesday nights and plays poker and has drank, he's also went out golfing and drank, and attended a cookout and drank - the kids were left at his parents house so he was not drinking in front of them). Anyways......even after we have talked, Ah has done it again.

Just last week, Ah and I had talked and this subject had come up again. I have told him the last two times that if he continues to drink when they are there that they will not be coming up anymore. That I will not just sit back and allow him to hurt them in this way. I have also told him that if the kids feel hurt, I will be in his face about it (meaning telling him about it) as it is my job to protect and defend my children when they are hurt!

Well, daughter came home today and told me that when Ah came home from his poker game on Wednesday that he smelled like he'd drowned himself in mints. (which implies to both of us that he was trying to cover the smell) However, as I've posted here before, my daughter tends to just accept AH's drinking. She knows that she can't change him, that he lied about stopping, etc.

So, I guess I have to wonder here - do I stop allowing the kids to go up there since he continues to drink as I had told him that I would? Or should I just step out of it since they are teenagers and know that he is this way and they still choose to go up there?

Any thoughts?

prodigal

You mentioned that the kids are upset at times when their dad comes home smelling of booze. However, you also said they don't seem to mind it that much and your daughter pretty much accepts that her dad drinks. You've set a boundary, he's crossing it with no regard for you, and I assume your children are under the age of 18. That would make you the guy with the power to call the shots if you feel your kids are being exposed to a less-than-healthy environment. How upset would they be if you told them for the time being there would be no visits with their dad? Have you explained to them that you set this boundary and their dad is not respecting it?

miss communicat

Dear SS

A few thoughts:

1. Actions will speak much louder than words.
(I'm talking about you:your actions, your words. Be firm. Say less.)

More than twice in your post you say that you and your AH have discussed and/or talked about how his drinking makes you and your children feel, that you have had these go rounds "many times".

Why so many times? Why do you discuss this with him, why do you repeatedly explain to him that if he drinks such and such will happen? and then act surprised when he goes ahead and drinks anyway? He drinks, he is alcoholic.

2. You are training your kids to be the alcohol police. Perhaps you could show them a different model of behaviour...Be firm. Say less

3. Serenity Prayer applied here: Accept that he drinks. Its out of your control. Change what you can: visitation according to if and when his lifestyle changes.

Protect your children by living healthy lives without him in for now.

Just my thoughts...hope it is helpful.

minnie

Hon, a boundary needs a consequence. Where are the consequences of him drinking around the kids? Apart from another talking session?

The key is really what your children want. If they can accept his drinking and are prepared to see him, even if he has a drink, then I'm not sure what you can do. If you stop them seeing him, then it is you they might resent, rather than him.

Jazzman

I forget, how old are your children?

Grasshopper

May i suggest ala-teen for your children.
My kids tell me today,that they had more issues with me,when they,were younger,than,with, their father.,when i stopped drinking. Im alcoholic,myself.When i stopped,i plowed into hubs drinking,making a bad situation,worse,for a time.My,,kids, somehow understood,Dad,.But couldnt understand my,self-rightousness,against him.And the fights we have about,his, drinking.My kids are the ones who taught me to love,unconditonally.And acceptance,tolerance.

escape artist

i would suggest al-ateen for the kids as well. they need to learn how to assert boundaries too. HOwever, it will not do anybody any good to "go after him" and tell him what he is doing. he allready knows what he is doing. He just needs someone to btch at him so that he can justify why his life is so awful and he should have another drink. you set your boundaries, you follow through, and you smile and be happy (fake it til you make it) and then it all falls on him to carry his own load of self-loathing, anger, pity and hate instead of you or your kids. this is the only time he will have to sit in his pain and deal with it, one way or the other. consistency is key and your happy life without his drama or chaos, may be the only thing that will let him wish to come to the other side.

mfisher

If your your kids are teenagers let them make the choice. It sounds like they have their own opinions.
As long as they have an escape plan and know not to get into car with him.
Discuss the options, let them know that you will support them in whatever they decide. Alateen good suggestion or any support system that can remain objective.
Before you know it they will be adults and with have to deal with him as adults, which is a whole nother ballgame. My kids are 19, 21, and 23.
I ran the buffer zone for along time and wished I had turned the decisions over to them sooner. I know it is our instinct to protect and control, but this is truely out of your control.