JessicaNAJ

I went on vacation last week with my kids (and my parents). It was great. A week of swimming, hiking, boating, fishing and building camp fires. It was soooooo relaxing and something I really needed.

Some people say they want to get away, leave everything behind. But can that really happen? Could I get away and leave everything behind?

Of course not, but my time away did help me to clear my head and alleviate the drama and mad thoughts going through my mind. I focused my whole week on me and enjoying my vacation with my kids. I barely thought about G the whole time and didn't realize it until it was time to come home. I had so much anxiety thinking about coming home...anxiety about the drama and chaos and craziness. And it dawned on me, the only thing I have to fear is myself. If I choose to NOT welcome and accept the chaos, drama and craziness, there will be none. And there was nothing but peace when I got home.

G called yesterday morning (I was still in bed b/c I took 2 xtra days off). He asked how our vacation was. I told him it was good, we had a good time. Before I could tell him anything else, he starts with how much $h!t he's gone through with work and how his "friend" is screwing him over, blah blah blah. I politely asked him to call me later (I didn't want to hear this!)...and I thought when he called back MAYBE I could tell him a little bit more about our vacation. I haven't heard from him since...and I'm ok with that.

I remember about 6 years ago, I found out where G's dad was staying. I went to see him and told him about my son and that me and G were married. All he could talk about was himself....and that's what my phone conversation with G reminded me of yesterday.

Do I think that G don't want anything to do with us? No. I think he's so lost in his addiction that he can't/won't find his way out. But it's not up to me to control him being responsible or not. It's not up to me to hold him above water. It's not up to me to "make" him feel like a better person. These are things he can only do for himself.

My kids need a strong male role model. My kids need someone to look up to....do I really want them to look up to a man that puts drugs, alcohol and irresponsibility first, and his family second? Do I want my kids to look up to a man who can't/don't take care of his family? NO!!!! My kids need to know how to grow up responsible and how to take care of what is important to them. My kids need to know that family must ALWAYS come first. Do I want my kids to grow up watching their mom "try" to hold on to something that is hidden beneath the shadows of addiction? No. I want my kids to grow up strong and it's up to me to show them how.

As for me....I'm happy seeing them happy and knowing that I'm doing the best I can for them. It made my heart feel so good to be able to have such a good, carefree, time with them this last week.

So, is it possible to go away and leave everything behind?? NO..You must face your problems to conquer them. And little by little, that's what I'm doing.

LaTeeDa

Good post Jessica. No matter where I go, I bring myself with me.

pmaslan

Glad to hear your vacation was relaxing and enjoyable.
No we can't leave it all behind but, we can get away for awhile.
Glad you had the opportunity to do just that.

Pick-a-name

Thanks for the good post,Jessica.

I was wondering about you and how you were doing.....I got my answer,you sound good. Glad you had a good trip!

p.s. Interesting you pointed out about you FIL,G,etc.I am starting to notice the same thing going on with some of me inlaws,etc,too. I guess it's always been there,but more noticable. ha My son pointed it out to me months ago and I noticed the same thing you described.

Live

Sometimes getting away is just what we need. I am very happy for the great time you had and the perspective it brought you.
hugs,
live

StandingStrong

Jessica, it's nice to hear a good post from you. You sound as though you are doing well.

I have found for me, that when I step away and take myself out of the situation, I can see things so much more clearly. However, it's when I get back into the same normal routine (House, work, etc) that I find that my thoughts and feelings want to return to that same old pattern. It's coming back after having stepped away where I realize that I really have a lot of work to do in struggling to keep moving ahead and not stalling my recovery.

I am not telling you this to depress you - I just wanted to share my thoughts with you.

Now, that you are realizing so much - another hard step must be taken and that is maintaining your growth and allowing yourself to keep growing.

Take care Jessica.

JessicaNAJ

As I plan to do. I think I've accepted the first step That's a great feeling.

Live

And, hey, take some time away anytime you need to! It just keeps getting better!