wiscgirl30

I have been on here before, usually when I do something really bad when I drink. Every time I decide Im not goin to drink, or at least not get drunk....but yet I still do. Friday night I was going to have a couple. Ended up getting so blasted that I dont remember coming home, we were staying out of town with friends. My 12-year-old son told me that I was talking to invisible people, hallucinating (which I tend to do when I that drunk), and I also told him I hated him and wished he could go to a foster home... I dont remember hours and hours of the night. So I decide Im not goin to ever ever get drunk again. So what did I do last night? Just TWO nights later??? Dont remember getting home. Think I hit on the married bar owner whom I just became friends with he and his wife recently. Then made a drunken ass out myself AGAIN in front of my son and his friend....who happens to be the bar owners son. Then I didn't wake up until 8:45, when I was supposed to start work at 5 a.m... Then slept all day and didn't get out of bed till 5 p.m. What IS WRONG WITH ME??? Why do I do this to myself??? I am killing my body, hurting my kids, missing work...making an ass out of myself...yet I do it over and over again and again! I KNOW I Have a serious problem..... I just am so embarrassed and upset and I Really really hate myself right now....

livefortoday

Hello Wisc,
Iremember drinking like that. The total insanity of the "I'm not going to drink today" only to succumb to the first drink a few hours (if I was feeling strong) later. The thinking of ways not to drink today and the next second, the very next thought, plotting how I would get the next drink. Manipulating fights with my husband so I would have an "excuse" to pick up the drink. Waking up and realizing that I was supposed to open the shop, an hour ago, and noone else would be there. Sneaking out of apartments in the middle of the night because I couldn't pay the rent (but always could pay the bar tab). . Years of not knowing what happened the night before, the day before, how I got home, where was my car, who did I call last night, and the neverending search for clues as to whether or not my husband was still speaking too me or if we had fought the night before, the triangle of liquor stores where I bought my booze so noone knew how much I was actually buying, fabricating stories about "company" that I was having to justify the amount of booze I bough in a single day, hiding the drinking, drinking before we wnt out and after we got home, the blackout's coming ever mre frequenlty until I didn't know if the first drink or the fifteenth was when the blackout would come. There ishope and there is a solution. For me,, the solution came in the form of AA and the 12 steps. There are others who have found other solutions, but this is what has worked for me. By working the 12 steps and developing a relationship with a power greater than myself, I have not had to have a drink in 5 years. You can find a meeting in your area by looking in the phone book. Be proud of yourself that you have reached out for help, that can be the hardest part of all. It sounds as if it's clear to you that your drinking is not normal and that you can't control yourself when you drink or stop drinking once you have started. Once I was at this point in my drinking, the love and support that I found in the rooms of AA gave me the courage to face one day at a time sober. Best of luck and keep reaching out. tk

undrunken

I cannot speak as one with a lot of sobriety, but I know that self-hatred is never a good thing. You are among some really successful people and a whole bunch more who feel tremendously screwed up as well. We are all here for one another, and we all want a good life. I hope you are feeling better soon.

wiscgirl30

Hey Live, that is SO ME. (The drunken phone calls, not knowing if someone was mad at me...) I know I dont want to ever feel that way again...

Thank you both for your comments..... I appreciate any prayers...

livefortoday

Wisc, When I went to my first AA meeting a woman walked up to me after the meeting and said "You don't have to live that way anymore." I thought she meant the booze. She did mean the booze, but to not have to live in the fear and tension I caused all around me has been a huge relief in sobriet, amongst a gazillion other things! You can do it! tk

mygirls_mylife

Yep, I remember that. Im still new to sobriety, but let me tell you what. I FEEL GREAT. I haven't insulted anyone in a drunken stupor, I haven't slept with anyone I dont know, I am not waking up with mysterious bruises and the list could go on and on. ON AND ON. Its amazing. Besides being pregnant I havent gone this long without a drink (or twenty) in 17 years. I am 32 and my life is just beginning.

As live stated AA is working for me as well. It can be intimidating at first, sure. But it works if you want it and work it. It sounds to me like you are truly fed up with the life you are living. Give yourself a new one; a fresh start. It is NOT TOO LATE. Its not too late to mend your relationship with your son. Do it before it IS too late.

You have found a great place in SR. Between my new sponsor, AA and getting and giving help here at SR I have found a new way to live and it does NOT include alcohol.

Hope you stick around,
Star

CarolD

Welcome back to SR!

Blackouts are a sign of middle stage alcoholism
according to Dr. James Milam in
'Under The Influence'
He explains what happens to our brain on Page 119.

The information in that book finally got me sober;
God and AA keep me there.

Take care..there is help and hope and healing!..

leviathon

Wow, what a powerful thread. THere is so much compassion and insight on this one page. That is wonderful.

I too recall the self hatred and self loathing. It was one of the catalysts for change, however, it was not until I embraced the desire for that change that it could have any effect. I had to choose not to live like that any longer.

Peace, Levi

mygirls_mylife

Exactly Levi, We have to desire that change. I was sinking into an abyss and most everyone could see it except me. I sit here shaking my head, because I am just sooo thankful for my new lease in life. I truly hope, wiscgirl, that you find the inspiration to "stop the insanity". My girls were my inspiration. They gave me the desire to stop. AA SR and God are helping me stay that way.

Star
P.S. I went to a meeting tonight and it always fills me with a new resolve, new excitement and new hope. Oh, its great! Thanks for letting me share.

wiscgirl30

Thanks everyone. I am going to look for a meeting today. I was up most of the night trying to rethink what happened on Sunday and of course nothing will come to me. It just sucks. I feel achy and yucky still. I HATE it so much. Last night about 6 p.m. I went down to the bar and had a pepsi so I could find out what happened and found out I got a ride with the bar owner in a cab and he dropped me off on the way home. Another guy was there who was like "Every time I have seen you (3 times) you were falling down wasted, and that is not attractive, you are actually pretty now that I see you this way" (sober). Ugh. No kidding, cant be attractive falling down like an idiot. I definitely am going to go get and read that book, Carol, thanks, because I would like to know why this happens. The first time I drank at 14 I blacked out and it never stopped...

indigo

Glad you're back and with a new resolve, we're always here when you need us.
hugs indigo