Domestic Abuse: Get Out of the Victim Role
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Domestic Abuse: Get Out of the Victim Role
Excerpted from the book Whose Face Is in the Mirror? The Story of One Woman's Journey form the Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True Healing by Dianne Schwartz. It is published by Hay House and available at bookstores.
Bob, my therapist, asked me, "Do you know how to stop being a victim?" Obviously, I still didn't know the answer to that question and gave him a blank look.
"This is how you do it," he told me. "You stop being a victim!" In a nutshell, there was the answer to a lifelong problem. You make up your mind that you are tired of being in the victim mode, and you just stop doing it. We don't have to be abused to be a victim. We might be the one who others contact to do their dirty work-the gophers, so to speak. They take on a project that requires a lot of footwork and know we will be willing to do it for them because we can't seem to say no.
Our fear of confrontation can also put us in the victim mode. Our friends can treat us rudely, canceling plans at the last moment in favor of something better that's come up, and they understand that we won't express anger. We will simply accept their actions without a word of complaint. We will be there for the next event, smiles and all.
We may still be connected to our parents because they hold the family purse strings, even when we are in our middle-age years. We bend and comply, as they not only tell us how to live our lives, but how to raise our children as well. They know we aren't going to argue or break free because we need their financial help. We've grown used to that extra financial bonus they sometimes throw our way, and we allow them to interfere because of it. We remain the victim.
We allow a man whom we work with to make sexually degrading remarks to us because we are fearful of rocking the corporate ladder. He has learned, through repeated efforts, that we are going to smile and treat his words as a joke. We will even change jobs to escape him, rather than face him head-on.
Our children become tyrants who rule our homes with their aggressive behavior and rebellion. We fear what might happen if we put our foot down and restrict their actions. We hold our breath, just waiting for the day when they are raised and out of the house.
We haven't learned that love and respect go hand-in-hand. When we remain the victim, or in the victim mode, we haven't set any boundaries for ourselves. We have no clear-cut or defined lines drawn in the sand that tell others we are not willing to allow them to tread on our self-respect. We may complain about the actions or words of others, but we do nothing to change them.
Sometimes, we will use game playing to get a response from those who don't treat us fairly. We grow silent, waiting for them to respond and ask what is wrong. We detach for a short period of time, waiting for the apology. We feel sorry for ourselves and cry, hoping they will feel bad when they see our tears. We write long letters, which are never delivered, explaining how we feel, the pain they have caused, and the results of their offenses. We never have a face-to-face confrontation, setting our boundaries in concrete. We believe these offenders are mind readers. How will they know and understand if we don't tell them?
When we've set our boundaries, we have to be careful not to use them as a ploy to get even. This only opens the door for more pain. If there is a person in our lives who continually hurts us, it's acceptable to simply walk away. If our explanation is only going to cause arguments and strife, we don't walk down that pathway again. We find a new path. We may have grown accustomed to arguing with certain people, and this is just another reason to do it. If we know we're right, we don't offer previous offenses to explain our case. We use our legs and feet to walk away.
This is about changing. Change is something we are very fearful of. Why else would we remain with an abuser? Our victimization is deeply rooted. It is also a part of us that we have grown familiar with. But it isn't comfortable, and eventually we will understand that familiarity and comfort can be two very different things.
I was familiar with my father's verbal abuse-so familiar that it made me feel strange during those brief periods when he was actually nice. It was a side of him that was rarely seen by me, and I didn't know how to deal with it. If he had always been kind and soft-spoken, his rages would have frightened me. But it was the raging I had grown familiar with, so the periodic affability was not comfortable.
We have to examine when the familiar is no longer comfortable or not something we want in our lives. We need to look at the value of it and what it brings to us. Is it something that reaffirms our belief that we are undeserving of kindness or respect? Is it something that keeps us in the victim role? Is it something that keeps us from having to make a change? Does the familiarity harm our spirit?
I'm very comfortable with my current husband, David. We have a set pattern when he comes home from work. We talk about the day's events, his job, my writing, our children, and other things that may have taken place that day. If it's summer, we sit on our front patio, have a cocktail, and watch our horses grazing in the front pasture. I'm also very comfortable with it. All of these patterns make me happy and content. If he came home angry and verbally abusive every single day, I would be familiar with it, but not comfortable. Do you see the difference?
We literally teach others how to treat us. We do this by accepting and conforming to their actions and behavior. Now they're familiar with our reactions. They've learned how far we will be pushed, what trigger words to use, and which buttons to push-all because we haven't demonstrated that it isn't acceptable.
Actually, defending ourselves can be somewhat intimidating at first. We may be tempted to back down and seek others' approval, after telling them we aren't going to tolerate their behavior anymore. We detest the feeling of not getting their acceptance, but after we've done it the first time and refuse to back down on our commitment to change our victimization, we begin to sense a feeling of power. We discover that this new way of living really works! Then, our self-respect begins to turn to self-love. Along with these new emotions, we regain our power. It is something we will not ever lose again.
All of these new feelings will start to bring about change-and we learn that change can be good.
Bob, my therapist, asked me, "Do you know how to stop being a victim?" Obviously, I still didn't know the answer to that question and gave him a blank look.
"This is how you do it," he told me. "You stop being a victim!" In a nutshell, there was the answer to a lifelong problem. You make up your mind that you are tired of being in the victim mode, and you just stop doing it. We don't have to be abused to be a victim. We might be the one who others contact to do their dirty work-the gophers, so to speak. They take on a project that requires a lot of footwork and know we will be willing to do it for them because we can't seem to say no.
Our fear of confrontation can also put us in the victim mode. Our friends can treat us rudely, canceling plans at the last moment in favor of something better that's come up, and they understand that we won't express anger. We will simply accept their actions without a word of complaint. We will be there for the next event, smiles and all.
We may still be connected to our parents because they hold the family purse strings, even when we are in our middle-age years. We bend and comply, as they not only tell us how to live our lives, but how to raise our children as well. They know we aren't going to argue or break free because we need their financial help. We've grown used to that extra financial bonus they sometimes throw our way, and we allow them to interfere because of it. We remain the victim.
We allow a man whom we work with to make sexually degrading remarks to us because we are fearful of rocking the corporate ladder. He has learned, through repeated efforts, that we are going to smile and treat his words as a joke. We will even change jobs to escape him, rather than face him head-on.
Our children become tyrants who rule our homes with their aggressive behavior and rebellion. We fear what might happen if we put our foot down and restrict their actions. We hold our breath, just waiting for the day when they are raised and out of the house.
We haven't learned that love and respect go hand-in-hand. When we remain the victim, or in the victim mode, we haven't set any boundaries for ourselves. We have no clear-cut or defined lines drawn in the sand that tell others we are not willing to allow them to tread on our self-respect. We may complain about the actions or words of others, but we do nothing to change them.
Sometimes, we will use game playing to get a response from those who don't treat us fairly. We grow silent, waiting for them to respond and ask what is wrong. We detach for a short period of time, waiting for the apology. We feel sorry for ourselves and cry, hoping they will feel bad when they see our tears. We write long letters, which are never delivered, explaining how we feel, the pain they have caused, and the results of their offenses. We never have a face-to-face confrontation, setting our boundaries in concrete. We believe these offenders are mind readers. How will they know and understand if we don't tell them?
When we've set our boundaries, we have to be careful not to use them as a ploy to get even. This only opens the door for more pain. If there is a person in our lives who continually hurts us, it's acceptable to simply walk away. If our explanation is only going to cause arguments and strife, we don't walk down that pathway again. We find a new path. We may have grown accustomed to arguing with certain people, and this is just another reason to do it. If we know we're right, we don't offer previous offenses to explain our case. We use our legs and feet to walk away.
This is about changing. Change is something we are very fearful of. Why else would we remain with an abuser? Our victimization is deeply rooted. It is also a part of us that we have grown familiar with. But it isn't comfortable, and eventually we will understand that familiarity and comfort can be two very different things.
I was familiar with my father's verbal abuse-so familiar that it made me feel strange during those brief periods when he was actually nice. It was a side of him that was rarely seen by me, and I didn't know how to deal with it. If he had always been kind and soft-spoken, his rages would have frightened me. But it was the raging I had grown familiar with, so the periodic affability was not comfortable.
We have to examine when the familiar is no longer comfortable or not something we want in our lives. We need to look at the value of it and what it brings to us. Is it something that reaffirms our belief that we are undeserving of kindness or respect? Is it something that keeps us in the victim role? Is it something that keeps us from having to make a change? Does the familiarity harm our spirit?
I'm very comfortable with my current husband, David. We have a set pattern when he comes home from work. We talk about the day's events, his job, my writing, our children, and other things that may have taken place that day. If it's summer, we sit on our front patio, have a cocktail, and watch our horses grazing in the front pasture. I'm also very comfortable with it. All of these patterns make me happy and content. If he came home angry and verbally abusive every single day, I would be familiar with it, but not comfortable. Do you see the difference?
We literally teach others how to treat us. We do this by accepting and conforming to their actions and behavior. Now they're familiar with our reactions. They've learned how far we will be pushed, what trigger words to use, and which buttons to push-all because we haven't demonstrated that it isn't acceptable.
Actually, defending ourselves can be somewhat intimidating at first. We may be tempted to back down and seek others' approval, after telling them we aren't going to tolerate their behavior anymore. We detest the feeling of not getting their acceptance, but after we've done it the first time and refuse to back down on our commitment to change our victimization, we begin to sense a feeling of power. We discover that this new way of living really works! Then, our self-respect begins to turn to self-love. Along with these new emotions, we regain our power. It is something we will not ever lose again.
All of these new feelings will start to bring about change-and we learn that change can be good.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 08-20-2002 at 10:20 AM.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Success and Self-Esteem
What is success? In terms of changing your life from the cycle of abuse to the cycle of personal responsibility, success is any movement toward safety and well-being. Any movement. It is not necessary to always complete the cycle in order to be successful. Setting yourself free is a process full of tiny success steps. Success, no matter what its size, makes you hungry for more. It drives you to do it again and again, creating a force that carries you to more success and higher self-esteem.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is what you think and how you feel about yourself.
High self-esteem means you think well of yourself. Low self-esteem means you think poorly of yourself.
How do success and self-esteem work together?
Success and self-esteem feed each other. Success increases your self-esteem and self-esteem leads you to more and more success. By taking charge of your life, you stem onto the upward path of personal fulfillment.
How is self-esteem developed?
Your self-esteem is developed by your impressions of yourself based on your successes, your failures and other people's opinions, comments and actions toward you. That is why words and actions toward children are so important: They form their early identity. In a perfect world, we would each think well of ourselves. In the real world, most of us struggle to believe that we are valuable.
The following messages are typical of those that build or lower self-esteem. Mark the messages in either column that resemble those you have adopted yourself.
Messages that build self-esteem:
You are gifted and capable.
You are desirable.
I'm lucky to have you in my life.
You are bright, attractive, sensible, valuable and powerful.
You are able to be a great wife (mother, student, person).
I'm here to help you.
You're no bother.
Add more ...
Messages that lower self-esteem:
You'll never amount to anything.
Nobody would ever want you.
You are lucky to have me.
You are stupid, ugly, brainless, worthless, a loser, good for nothing.
You're an awful wife (mother, student, person).
You're on your own.
You drive me nuts.
Add more ...
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is what you think and how you feel about yourself.
High self-esteem means you think well of yourself. Low self-esteem means you think poorly of yourself.
How do success and self-esteem work together?
Success and self-esteem feed each other. Success increases your self-esteem and self-esteem leads you to more and more success. By taking charge of your life, you stem onto the upward path of personal fulfillment.
How is self-esteem developed?
Your self-esteem is developed by your impressions of yourself based on your successes, your failures and other people's opinions, comments and actions toward you. That is why words and actions toward children are so important: They form their early identity. In a perfect world, we would each think well of ourselves. In the real world, most of us struggle to believe that we are valuable.
The following messages are typical of those that build or lower self-esteem. Mark the messages in either column that resemble those you have adopted yourself.
Messages that build self-esteem:
You are gifted and capable.
You are desirable.
I'm lucky to have you in my life.
You are bright, attractive, sensible, valuable and powerful.
You are able to be a great wife (mother, student, person).
I'm here to help you.
You're no bother.
Add more ...
Messages that lower self-esteem:
You'll never amount to anything.
Nobody would ever want you.
You are lucky to have me.
You are stupid, ugly, brainless, worthless, a loser, good for nothing.
You're an awful wife (mother, student, person).
You're on your own.
You drive me nuts.
Add more ...
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