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indigo's healing thread of hope

Old 03-03-2005, 11:11 AM
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indigo's healing thread of hope

Salut,

I decided to allow myself a thread of hope and healing and watch my progress and my setbacks. This thread is not just for me it's for anyone wishing to share their own healing and growth.

hugs indigo

After a while
You learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

And after a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

you really are strong...

you really do have worth.

And you learn

and you learn,

With every goodbye,

you learn.

i've forgotten who wrote this.

Learning to be free......
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Old 03-04-2005, 06:09 AM
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Be Impeccable With Your Word

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.


Don’t Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.


Don’t Make Assumptions

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement you can completely transform your life.


Always Do Your Best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment: it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self abuse and regret.

The four truths of the Nagual
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Old 03-04-2005, 01:57 PM
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Thanks Indigo, Great food for thought. I've found actions that you list, can many times change the course of my day from bad to good. Don W
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Old 03-06-2005, 04:48 AM
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Learning To Love Ourselves
Codependence is a dysfunctional defense system that was built in reaction to feeling unlovable and unworthy - because our parents were wounded codependents who didn't know how to love themselves. We grew up in environments that were emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile, and shame based. Our relationship with ourselves (and all the different parts of our self: emotions, gender, spirit, etc.) got twisted and distorted in order to survive in our particular dysfunctional environment.

We got to an age where we were supposed to be an adult and we started acting like we knew what we were doing. We went around pretending to be adult at the same time we were reacting to the programming that we got growing up. We tried to do everything "right" or rebelled and went against what we had been taught was "right." Either way we weren't living our life through choice, we were living it in reaction.

In order to start being loving to ourselves we need to change our relationship with our self - and with all the wounded parts of our self. The way which I have found works the best in starting to love ourselves is through having internal boundaries.

Learning to have internal boundaries is a dynamic process that involves three distinctly different, but intimately interconnected, spheres of work. The purpose of the work is to change our ego-programming - to change our relationship with ourselves by changing our emotional/behavioral defense system into something that works to open us up to receive love, instead of sabotaging ourselves because of our deep belief that we don't deserve love.

(I need to make the point here that Codependence and recovery are both multi-leveled, multi-dimensional phenomena. What we are trying to achieve is integration and balance on different levels. In regard to our relationship with ourselves this involves two major dimensions: the horizontal and the vertical. In this context the horizontal is about being human and relating to other humans and our environment. The vertical is Spiritual, about our relationship to a Higher Power, to the Universal Source. If we cannot conceive of a God/Goddess Force that loves us then it makes it virtually impossible to be loving to ourselves. So a Spiritual Awakening is absolutely vital to the process in my opinion. Changing our relationship with ourselves on the horizontal level is both a necessary element in, and possible because we are working on, integrating Spiritual Truth into our inner process. It doesn't have to be a religious higher power. It can be your own inner self. The life force within you that lets you breathe, gives you thoughts and lets you sparkle! Unlocking that inner self is the key.)

These three spheres are:

1. Detachment

2. Inner Child Healing

3. Grieving

Because Codependence is a reactive phenomena it is vital to start being able to detach from our own process in order to have some choice in changing our reactions. We need to start observing our selves from the witness perspective instead of from the perspective of the judge.

We all observe ourselves - have a place of watching ourselves as if from outside, or perched somewhere inside, observing our own behavior. Because of our childhoods we learned to judge ourselves from that witness perspective, the "critical parent" voice.

The emotionally dishonest environments we were raised in taught us that it was not ok to feel our emotions, or that only certain emotions were ok. So we had to learn ways to control our emotions in order to survive. We adapted the same tools that were used on us - guilt, shame, and fear (and saw in the role modeling of our parents how they reacted to life from shame and fear.) This is where the critical parent gets born. It's purpose is to try to keep our emotions and behavior under some sort of control so that we can get our survival needs met.

So the first boundary that we need to start setting internally is with the wounded / dysfunctionally programmed part of our own mind. We need to start saying no to the inner voices that are shaming and judgmental. The disease comes from a black and white, right and wrong, perspective. It speaks in absolutes: "You always screw up!" "You will never be a success!" - these are lies. We don't always screw up. We may never be a success according to our parents or societies dysfunctional definition of success - but that is because our heart and soul do not resonate with those definitions, so that kind of success would be a betrayal of ourselves. We need to consciously change our definitions so that we can stop judging ourselves against someone else's screwed up value system.

We learned to relate to ourselves (and all the parts of our self - emotions, sexuality, etc.) and life from a critical place of believing that something was wrong with us - and in fear that we would be punished if we didn't do life "right." Whatever we are doing or not doing the disease can always find something to beat us up with. I have 10 things on my "to do list" today, I get 9 of them done, the disease does not want me to give myself credit for what I have done but instead beats me up for the one I didn't get done. Whenever life gets too good we get uncomfortable and the disease jumps right in with fear and shame messages. The critical parent voice keeps us from relaxing and enjoying life, and from loving our self.

We need to own that we have the power to choose where to focus our mind. We can consciously start viewing ourselves from the "witness" perspective. It is time to fire the judge - our critical parent - and choose to replace that judge with our Higher Self, who is a loving parent. We can then intervene in our own process to protect ourselves from the perpetrator within - the critical parent/disease voice.

(It is almost impossible to go from critical parent to compassionate loving parent in one step - so the first step often is to try to observe ourselves from a neutral position or a "scientific observer" perspective.)

This is what enlightenment and consciousness raising are all about. Owning our power to be a co-creator of our lives by changing our relationship with ourselves. We can change the way we think. We can change the way we respond to our own emotions. We need to detach from our wounded self in order to allow our Spiritual Self to guide us. We are Unconditionally Loved. The Spirit does not speak to us from judgment and shame.

One of the visualizations that has helped me over the years is an image of a small control room in my brain. This control room is full of dials and gauges and lights and sirens. In this control room are a bunch of Keebler-like elves whose job it is to make sure that I don't get too emotional for my own good. Whenever I feel anything too strongly (including Joy, happiness, self-love) the lights start flashing and the sirens start wailing and the elves go crazy running around trying to get things under control. They start pushing some of the old survival buttons: feeling too happy - drink; feeling too sad- eat sugar; feeling scared - get laid; or whatever.

To me, the process of recovery is about teaching those elves to chill out. Reprogramming my ego-defenses to knowing that it is ok to feel the feelings. That feeling and releasing the emotions is not only ok it is what will work best in allowing me to have my needs fulfilled.

We need to change our relationship with ourselves and our own emotions in order to stop being at war with ourselves. The first step to doing that is to detach from ourselves enough to start protecting ourselves from the perpetrator that lives within us

i am replanting my broken flowers
hugs indigo
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Old 03-06-2005, 07:01 AM
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Examples of some of the Children you might find inside are:

The Playful Child
That self that is naturally playful, creative, spontaneous and fun loving child. This self longs to play. Many of us have forgotten how to do this without guilt or anxiety that as adults we must be doing something that is worthwhile.

The Spoiled Child
That part of us wants what they want and they want it now, and if they don’t get what they want, they throw temper tantrums.

The Neglected Child
The child self that was always left alone without much nurturing and love. They don’t believe they are lovable or worthwhile. They don’t know how to love. They are depressed and want to cry.

The Abandoned Child
This child self has been left in some way like divorce or adoption or just left because the parents were kept busy working. They are always fearful that they will be abandoned again and again. This part of the self is starving for extra attention and reassurance that they are safe and okay. This self is very lonely.

The Fearful Child
This part has been overly criticized when they were small. Now they are anxious and are in panic much of the time. They need lost of encouragement and positive affirmations.

The Unbonded Child
This Inner Child never learns to be close to anyone. They are isolated. Intimacy feels alien and scary. Trust is a basic issue.

The Discounted Child
This is a part of the self that was ignored and treated as though they did not exist. They don’t believe in themselves and need lots of love to assist and support them.

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Old 03-06-2005, 07:14 AM
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For all our lost children:

~ Child Within ~
The child in her once again surfaced as she sat staring out the window into space. She took no notice though, her focus was lost out in the realm of possibilities. The familiar feeling of depression settled in around her like an old blanket, almost comforting in a peacefully sad sort of way, reminiscent of days spent sick, resting on the couch with mediocre T.V. movies playing all day long. Restful misery. She hardly sees the gray sky any longer her thoughts are gone so far into dreams of the future, and holding mindlessly onto the past she wanders onward, only to find herself chained to her fears and insecurities. The child in her begins to cry, curled into a tight ball in her stomach - her heart is heavy with the loss of something unknown. Innocence perhaps, or something deeper. She has become lost, wandering aimlessly, unable to commit to a path, or even to not committing, leaving all avenues open and taking none, stuck at a crossroads, moving only with her eyes. She wants to escape, to be free of her self-made prison, to run away, wondering and hoping that maybe the next place she goes will hold some enlightening answer to her unasked questions. Praying for a miracle, and not believing. Forgetting to travel to the one place she is farthest from - Afraid to go within, to trust, to feel, her self.

Eventually she returns to reality, eyes refocus on the moment. Misery and fear once again squashed into submission, all but forgotten yet lingering like a plague on her soul, slowly eroding her joy, her love, of life. And reappearing in nightmares, haunting that child within.

~ Adriyel Paymer ~
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Old 03-08-2005, 05:57 PM
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Thank you Indigo

I'm going to read through this a little better when I'm more focused, but one line popped out for me.

"We need to own that we have the power to choose where to focus our mind."

I've been working hard on this one and it is helping. It takes a lot of energy at first, but once I practice it with a certain issue it starts becoming automatic.

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Old 03-10-2005, 08:03 PM
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Morning Glory, I agree. That statement hits my problem right on the head. The ability to choose and re-focus my mind I find difficult. I have many successful moments but, hope someday it's automatic. I think this is the fustrating part. Knowing we have the power, yet not using it. And knowing a solution, yet not working it. By that I'm talking about, I know the solution is to go to meetings and ask for help but, many times I CHOOSE not to follow that. And in the end suffer and wonder why I didn't follow directions. Indgo, this is a wonderful thread. You put so much thought and feelings into your posts. Thank You, Don W
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Old 03-11-2005, 06:50 PM
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Hi MG and Indigo, All day I have been trying to refocus my mind each time my mind wanders into past behavior. This is really difficult like you said. I even went so far as to pick out a cloud or a tree and check out its' features. I was surprised that once I noticed and refocused, my mind was perfectly happy to go onto something pleasent.
On the bus to my treatment I even played an old game that came to mind. We kids used to play it on trips. It was called alphabet. You had to wach for signe and find the letters in order. This broke a cycle which sometimes ruins my day. There has been some problems at work. This was happening often. When this happens my mind will expect a problem when I get to work. By the time I get to work I'm stressed out.
Many times for nothing. Anyway, your suggestions about refocuing worked. Now, to make it a normal practice. I'm off for the weekend but, before I go I'm going to start a thread using an assignment I was given by my VA counselor. Don W
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Old 03-11-2005, 06:51 PM
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Indigo, you have grown so much, this was beautiful! *hugs sister*
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Old 03-21-2013, 01:43 AM
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Indigo, thank you for your posts, they remind me of the beauty that can exist in our walk with the divine.
Don, I admire your tenacity and know an extraordinary fate awaits you
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Old 04-15-2013, 09:31 PM
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Thank you for this thread! So grateful I came across it. Just what I needed to read and "hear" today. I hope you don't mind if I print it out. You are a great writer Indigo; what eloquent clear meditations.
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