Day1ncounting

Hi All,

Was wondering if I’m alone here?

I gave up drinking 2.5 years ago, and if you find my other thread you will see what a struggle it was for me. I obsessed about having done the most horrible things when blackout drunk. Things that I would never do sober. Now I am aware that although your inhibitions are lowered when drunk, you are not going to change personality to the extent that you would knowingly commit crimes that you wouldn’t dream about sober. However, with the Pure O and the blank spots my mind has created the worst possible scenarios that could have happened during those hours. From sexual assault to hit and runs.. the list is endless. There was never any evidence to suggest such things ever happened but because I don’t remember I feel the guilt and shame as if they did.

I have tried many forms of talk treatment(CBT, ERP etc)but haven’t really found anything that really helps. I feel so responsible for the irresponsibility of my drinking that I’ve kinda convicted myself and am punishing myself daily as a result.

I am finding hypnotherapy helps with self forgiveness but I have the massive surges of overwhelming guilt that seems I may be stuck with for life.

Is there something out there that could help I’m unaware of? Ironically I know a drink would take it all away immediately but would make it 10 times worse the next day - so I know that is not and will never again be, the solution.

Thanks for reading.

Dee74

hi and welcome back Day1ncounting

I wasn't sure what Pure O was so I had to look it up.
I would not give up on finding a medical professional who might be able to help.

I can only add some common sense that, if you'd done anything really bad, you'd know about it 2 and a half years later.

I know how hard it is to forgive yourself (and I don't have any OCD issues) - but I try to live my life right now as a kind of living amends and I have managed to let the shame and guilt go.

I really hope you can too

D

Day1ncounting

Hi Dee,

Thanks very much for the response. Il
update the other thread soon as well, just didn’t want to burden a now, happy thread with the same old rhetoric. Life is definitely much better overall.

The official diagnosis is “High functioning General anxiety disorder with OCD tendencies”. Seems the best way to treat it is with medications which I cannot take in my field of work BUT I will not continue to work to find a way to actually enjoy my life a little more. Just at the moment even if I’m having a wonderful day my brain decides to throw in a memory, or lack thereof to ruin a perfectly good moment. And I will dwell
on that thought over and over until who knows when. Then shifts to another memory. Pretty debilitating stuff.

il keep at it.

Dee74

I think support helps a lot, so I'm glad you're back here

D

anxiousrock

I do this as well, constantly. But Dee is right, 2 years later you would know!